Friday, October 30, 2009

Be Afraid

In the midst of G:TB's customary frivolity and lightness, we've occasionally been called upon to man the barricades, to stand firmly against evils so great that they threaten our very existence. Mustaches, for example. And redneck Floridians.

Several months ago, we warned the world of the threat posed by the Large Hadron Collider, which was poised to create a black hole so powerful the planet would be sucked into its vortex and all matter instantaneously crushed to the size of Daniel Snyder's conscience. Apparent technical delays thwarted the LHC's nefarious mission. Or so we thought.

In reality, contend a pair of leading scientists, the Collider's chilling intent is so anathema to human existence that the power unleashed by the machine is traveling back in time to turn itself off.
In a theory reminiscent of the time travelling film Back to the Future, the theoretical physicists Holger Nielsen, from Denmark, and Masao Ninomiya, from Japan, have concluded that its discoveries could be so "abhorrent to nature" that they are coming back to stop their own creation.
Setting aside the fact that Back to the Future is entirely the wrong analogy here, G:TB encourages all good people to be on the lookout for rogue Higgs bosons dressed as politicians. The life you save may be your own. Or Linda Hamilton's.

And you thought G:TB was just a stupid blog about rapping muppets, futile hoops fandom and Tim Tebow.

24 comments:

Mark said...

Realy? Nobody liked my Grady Little Halloween costume joke?

Fuck you guys.

rob said...

i loved it, actually, but i was playing softball so i didn't see it until this morning.

feel better, sparky?

TJ said...

I enjoy Grady Little jokes immensely.

Mark said...

No Rob, no I don't.

rob said...

i got called out on a triple last night for allegedly missing first base. allegedly. then i dropped a series of f-bombs and almost got run from the game. and after winning the first game to set up a winner-take-all final game for the league championship, we lost 31-2.

that help, mark?

zoltan said...

I wish I had a degree in physics. It's a license to say bullshit without getting called on it. Can you imagine if, in response to your previous post, I said "This is abhorrent to nature! Surely this discovery will travel in time to destroy its own creation."? But if I was a physicist you'd say "Huh, zoltan might be on to something here."

Mark said...

Yeah. The thought of you acting (and looking, I'm sure) like a 12 year old after you were called out puts a little bit of a hop in my step. Also, anybody losing 31-2 makes me chuckle. How is that even possible?

zoltan said...

And if I had a degree in physics I would also know God's preferences regarding various forms of matter:

He said that his theories may even provide a "model for God" who "rather hates Higgs particles, and attempts to avoid them”.

Whitney said...

Willie Nelson played at Handley High last night. I guess that settles it once and for all that it's a cooler school than James Wood. Eh, Dan?

Whitney said...

So this is the first I've heard of this, but there's a movie coming out next summer called The Expendables. It stars:

Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham
Jet Li
Dolph Lundgren
Bruce Willis
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Eric Roberts
Mickey Rourke

I'm thinking there may be some pyrotechnics and bad puns? Maybe?


Although apparently Ravi Shankar is in it, so maybe it's about peace and sitar music?

TJ said...

THE EXPENDABLES is a hard-hitting action/thriller about a group of mercenaries hired to infiltrate a South American country and overthrow its ruthless dictator. Once the mission begins, the men realize things aren’t quite as they appear, finding themselves caught in a dangerous web of deceit and betrayal. With their mission thwarted and an innocent life in danger, the men struggle with an even tougher challenge - one that threatens to destroy this band of brothers.

zoltan said...

Shouldn't Schwarzeneggar be, like, running California, or something? And Carl Weathers wasn't available?

Mark said...

Carl Weathers is busy trying to stop Craig T. Nelson from destroying what's left of Detroit with his brutal crime empire.

mayhugh said...

Mark's stock just rose. I mean, really, with Rambo V in the works - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1206885/ - what's stopping us from an Action Jackson II? Or even an Action Jackson Jr.?

Dan said...

willie was in town playing in a tribute to patsy cline...very cool. she lived pretty close to handley - in the "city" if you will. james wood cooler, much more country. handley is all city folk.
in blacksburg visiting a nephew before he graduates. i'm college'n it. went to game last night. lying on couch hungover while nephew and his roommies still sleep. my wife is home painting our laundry room and taking care of m'boy. should i feel guilty? i thought someone here, of all places, could make me feel better about myself.

Dan said...

i get home sat at about 1. i have/had tix to uf/ga game, in a suite mind you (b/c that's how i roll bitches) how do you think my wife would handle it if i "swung by" the game for a few hours before coming home after missing m'boy's 1st real halloween? enough from me for the day. happy friday.

Mark said...

As an older friend once told me Dan, the fight doesn't start until you hit the door. Plus, it may be your boys 1st real Halloween but it's also Tebow's last UF-UGA. When you put it to her like that, I'm pretty sure she'll understand.

TR said...

Is this Gheorghe: The Blog or TMQ? What's next? Haikus and disturbing comments about cheerleaders 30 years younger than the author?

zoltan said...

So ... 15 years from now you won't make disturbing comments about cheerleaders who are 30 years younger than you? Sure. And you won't laugh at farts either.

zoltan said...

I would do this for Halloween but I'm too cheap to buy a segue (otherwise you can't move). And I'm too insecure to dress up like that.

http://tinyurl.com/yzohm3f

rob said...

scoff now tr
wait until the higgs returns
no more cheerleaders

TR said...

T-M-Q creepy
Creepy like Lester Burnham
May get shot in head

(google it if you don't get it)

Dennis said...

This time travel premise sounds eerily similar to the one from "Primer" - a clever little device film from a few years back. Made by some guy in his basement for like $30K. Maybe he wasn't so far off on his assumptions....

And speaking of low budget films; this Paranormal Activity thingy is legit.

Whitney said...

If you have a segue, Zoltan, you might as well dress up as Gob Bluth.