Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mark, quit your current job immediately

Work Jerry found the perfect gig for you.

"A Denver alternative newspaper recently posted an ad for what some consider the
sweetest job in journalism — a reviewer of the state's marijuana dispensaries and their products."

That's right Mark, someone in the Mile (cough) High City would like to pay you to review the local medical marijuana businesses. I would say you're an extremely qualified candidate, what with your love of the reefer and your top notch writing skillz honed at that bastion of academic learning you supposedly graduated from...

Dammit, as I go to cut and paste more of the article I see the Mile High joke was just too easy, as it's basically the title of the soon-to-be-written column (unless said writer gets so high he passes out with his face in a bag of funyons).

"The Denver paper, Westword, has already has gotten more than 120 applicants, many of them offering to do the reviews for free. When the newspaper settles on a permanent critic for its new "Mile Highs and Lows" column, industry watchers say, it will be the first professional newspaper critic of medical marijuana in the country."

Had to include this as well, because I always get a good laugh at the exotic names of good bud:

"Sites such as marijuanareviews.com and weedmaps.com boast thousands of users who dish on the merits of various strains, from "White Widow" to "Afghan Gold Seal," which is cheap but one critic warns "delivers a very heavy stone with the same degree of munchies to go along with it.""

So Mark, I don't know what you're waiting for, your dream job awaits. And if you're ever struggling with writer's block, you can always look to this guy (er towel) for advice and guidance.

59 comments:

Dave said...

i can't stop looking at that picture. and i can't stop looking at my patch of scaly, drying poison ivy. i need some beauty in my life.

rob said...

is there anything in this life more predictable than steve phillips getting suspended for inappropriate sexual behavior? other than dave fixating on disgusting bodily functions, that is.

TR said...

Phillips seems to be into the BBW ladies. She is not svelte. I bet Omar Minaya has a much sexier, sluttier mistress.

zoltan said...

As does Jessica Biel, according to Geoff's publicist.

TJ said...

I hope Phillips holds one of his patented fake press conferences to address the allegations.

Marlin said...

So. . .um. . .looks like Yanks/Phillies. Not going to be any fights in the stands at those games, no sir.

Bloomberg may want to request national guard support now.

Marlin said...

The letter from the ladyfriend to Phillips' wife is priceless.

http://tinyurl.com/yj2gvyz

"You see I'm the woman he's been seeing for awhile now, and I'm not just some ranom girl he had sex with in parking lots"

I'm sure that made Mrs. Phillips feel much better about the whole thing.

Geoff said...

She received a previous letter from another woman:

"Mrs. Phillips, there is no reason to be alarmed. I'm just some girl your husband has sex with in parking lots."

Context helps, Marlin.

zoltan said...

"I may be only 22, but I'm not stupid"

No you aren't. Not at all. You aren't batshit crazy either.

Marlin said...

Well, that does make it slightly better, but likely does not remove the sting of having a 22 year old production assistant write you a letter that lectures you about you "loveless" marriage after noting that that Phillips likes riding bareback post vasectomy.

Geoff said...

Can Steve Phillips live, people? Why else do you get a vasectomy?

TR said...

Several Lammie alumni have had some genital "work" done, more to limit further procreation than to ride bareback, I think.


But I'm a bit different. My genital work consists of one scrotum piercing. And a tattoo of the Jolly Roger on my taint.

Marlin said...

Maybe we should cut him some slack. He did put together the worst World Series outfield in baseball history.

Used Shea Stadium urinal cake to the first (other than Whit)person to come up with all three without looking.

TR said...

Agbayani!

TJ said...

Was Operation Shutdown in that outfield?

Marlin said...

Fat Benny Agbayani was in left and may have been the most productive of the tree that year.

Still not sure how that team made it to the WS. On tom of a terrible OF, they had Mike "0 for the playoffs" Bordick at short.

Jerry said...

Was Timo(sil) Perez in there? I knew the Hawaiian Hammer, but I'm kind of ashamed that I couldn't rattle these guys off.

Marlin said...

Teej, that was D-Bell's last season in Flushing, but he sprained his ankle in game one of the division series and did not play again. He would not have played very much anyway due to the rookie that was getting most of the PT in right.

Marlin said...

Timo was there.

zoltan said...

Whoa whoa whoa. I can't work for an anti-bareback blog.

TR said...

Cedeno?

Marlin said...

Jay Payton

TR & Jerry each get half a urinal cake.

Marlin said...

Settle down Z. Nobody is anti-bareback, just anti-batshit crazy 22 year olds who write letters to spouses about their husband's bareback escapades while noting distinguishing groinal area birthmarks.

Geoff said...

It does seem like there is a correlation between crotchally located birthmarks and philandering.

Mark said...

I'm going to apply for that job but I think that Travis Henry has the inside track on it (speaking of guys who enjoy crazy 22 year olds and unprotected sex). One problem with this job though...how do you ever get another job afterwards?

Mark said...

And I did graduate from Florida, twice. Asshole.

TJ said...

Can you hear me standing and applauding from here?

rob said...

somebody get teejay a sedative, stat.

TJ said...

Perhaps someone can write a review of a great, low-key place to get said sedative? Hmmmm, yeah, maybe, mmmmkay?

Whitney said...

Someone needs to explain to Steve Phillips that he's no Dave Letterman, and coming clean a la Michael Douglas will get her away from him but will also, in fact, lead to his termination.

He may land at MLB Network with Harold "All Hands Meeting" Reynolds. Or, of course, in the MNF booth with Stalking Head Tirico.

Whitney said...

Quick Question for TR: the tattoo of the Jolly Roger on your taint -- the flag or the restaurant?

TR said...

The flag, of course! But only because it undulates when I fart. You may now commence vomiting from that visual.

Jerry said...

Or some grinning dude named Roger.

TJ said...

Thanks, high school coach, for your valuable insight:

The high school coach of Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor says that his former player could be utilized more effectively by Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel.

"They need Terrelle to run more," former Jeannette (Pa.) High School coach Ray Reitz said. "They've put the reins on him and they need to let him go free. When I watch Terrelle play right now, I see a robot."

rob said...

so, um, you guys following what deadspin's doing to espn today? i wish the old ombudslady was still there. they might consider investing in an hr department in bristol.

Shlara said...

1. This photo is disgusting
2. The 22-year old, not exactly hot
3. I love Deadspin's WWL expose

TJ said...

1 - that photo is awesome

2 - she looks like dj tanner after a dozen krispy kremes

3 - stop promoting phillies fan aj daulerio in this space

TJ said...

The Botlon Wanderers, not very good.

TR said...

Teej - Let's put the final nails on the coffin of the Angels of the Anaheim of the Los Angeles before we start on an NL team.

That's what the Angels are called these days, right?

TR said...

It's always funny when you see TJ's computer screen-saver on a web site:

TJ's screen saver

rob said...

shlara, i believe that picture is the product of something known as 'photoshopping'. i recognize someone with your demonstrated fear of technology may not be familiar with such a thing.

of course, i fully expect teejay's children to look a lot like the one pictured.

rob said...

bolton are better than dennis' west ham united, teej. the hammers occupy the 19th spot at the moment, squarely in the relegation zone.

meanwhile, tr's man u whores top the table, just like his yankee whores.

TJ said...

At what point do my dudes get sent to triple A?

rob said...

bottom three teams get sent down (18th - 20th). your wanderers are in 15th right now, with 1 fewer game played than several other teams.

cgormley said...

Here's a some EPL love. Soccer pitch, beach ball and goal. Notice the odd thing there?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzLou-Y0lVM&feature=player_embedded

Jerry said...

Bolton is a curious choice.

Mark said...

When you're breaking news (even EPl news) after the old guys over at PTI, well, you're not exactly breaking news.

Whitney said...

I was tempted to root for Portsmouth. Now I know why. Man U has 22 points. Portsmouth has 3.

Whitney said...

And I believe Teejay selected Bolton because of Michael Bolton and his celebrated catalog, right?

Jerry said...

Whit, for you I'd recommend Sunderland or Everton.

Jerry said...

Portsmouth has been in danger of not being able to meet their payroll throughout the year. Their days in the big league are numbered.

Mark said...

Plus, its shares a name with an absolutely dreaful city in Southern VA. Been there once, never going back.

Whitney said...

I had actually decided to root for Liverpool, which probably explains their disappointing results. It's remarkable what me on your team's bandwagon can do to ruin your season. Mets, Skins, Wizards, now this. Granted, it's a far less passionate following, but come on. I've probably doomed the tribe to a Homecoming loss this weekend as well.

(I don't suppose any of you Class of '99ers will be there?)

Jerry said...

I would've expected you to be drawn to a less glamorous/monied club. They sure are sucking this year. If they don't get out of the CL group stage, they'll be a lot less wealthy next year.

Whitney said...

Uh . . . Mark? Some truly funny people were born in Portsmouth, VA. Truly.

Like comedian Wanda Sykes. And funnyman Patton Oswalt. And humorously bad in 2009 pitcher Josh Rupe. And me.

Mark said...

I'm not a huge Wanda Sykes fan, she has her moments though. Patton Oswalt is good. You, well, you suck. I maintain my stance on Portsmouth, VA.

Whitney said...

Like we needed this. Steve Largent now weighing in on the Daniel Snyder doofuscapade. Highlights:

- Zorn did consider resigning, Largent said, but ultimately decided not to quit on the team.

- "I think what Daniel Snyder was trying to do was to force Jim to resign so he was not liable for his contract any longer."

- "I think it's humbling and embarrassing for the Redskins and the Redskins owner and management that made the decision."

- "To think that you can bring a guy in from a retirement center who is pulling out Ping-Pong balls in the bingo games -- and literally, that is what he was doing in Detroit -- bring him down here for two weeks and say, 'You are going to call the plays for the next game against the Philadelphia Eagles, a division opponent, on "Monday Night Football," ' and think that is going to be successful, that is a joke."


The insults are piling up this week, and it's not just the usual cast of characters (Riggo, SportsBog, Wilbon, Geoff). The sporting world has caught on to what we've know for quite a few years. Snyder isn't a curse; he's worse, because he can't simply be lifted. He's a power-desperate little tyrant who would rather see his team burn to ashes than to succeed and have to give someone else credit for it.

It's time for a hostile takeover. Is the A-Team still around?

zoltan said...

I guess I never checked before, but I didn't realize that life for Redskins fans hasn't been fun since 1992.

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/teams/was/

Jerry said...

NY Post...not afraid to use made up words.

The scandalous and scary series of events began in mid-July, when the handsome Phillips had sex with the shlubby Hundley after meeting her for the first time on assignment in St. Louis.