Friday, July 03, 2009

A Man Who Wears the 10 lbs. of Gold...

You know those cheesy questions that are normally asked of celebrities and athletes on boring talk shows? The ones like "If you could have dinner with 4 people living or dead, who would they be"? Those questions are fucking stupid. I don't want to waste my time talking to Abe Lincoln or Joaquin Andujar over a chicken casserole. That shit is boring.

If I'm going to dip into the black arts in order to hang out with somebody, I'd at least like to tie one on and see if I can't manage to get us into a bar fight. (I mean, imagine all those assholes who include Jesus in their group of four and how aghast they'd be to see JC knocking back shots of Patron and talking to hookers. Do you really want to be in the same category as them? Well do you?). Anyway, if I had a talk show (any day now) the cheesy question I'd ask is What famous person living or dead would you like to get dirty, stinking drunk with? I feel as though you could probably get a better feel for your guest this way, as opposed to beating around the bush and talking about a fucking dinner party. (I'm guessing Rob goes to dinner parties, and I'm hoping he fucking hates them.)

So, since the rest of the G:TB crew are too drunk, lazy or stupid (or all three in TJ's case) to post anything today you're getting a clip of one of my top answers to this question. Ric Fucking Flair.

If I had my druthers, I'd like to go back to the early 80's and get dirty stinking drunk with Ric. Right around the time of his athletic and celebrity apex. Can you honestly tell me that you don't think a night spent boozing with the Nature Boy in a bunch of bars in the deep south wouldn't supply you with enough ridiculous stories to last a lifetime? At minimum you'd get in a fight, vomit, have sex with some random southern girl in the bathroom, shoot or be shot at with a shotgun, vomit again, snuggle up to Arn Anderson's beard, get in another fight and finally end up with your hair feathered before you eventually passed out to the sounds of Flair screaming 'WOOOOOOOO!' and dancing around like some kind of re-tard.

Dusty Rhodes may have been the "American Dream" but its Flair who lived the American Dream. He took his redneck roots and essentially overdid everything about them, thereby creating an entire image and persona that would position him as the king of the rednecks and, eventually, the king of wrestling. If Ric Flair isn't the epitome of what's great about America then I'm moving with Greg to Dubai.



Enjoy your night...and by all means, have too much to drink for Flair's sake.

38 comments:

Dave said...

is anyone thinking of doing a "lefty" mustache? i'll be the "rghty" to somebody's lefty-- but only if it's someone worth sitting next to at tortuga's.

rob said...

i'm doing a fu manchu. you could do the negative version.

and i do, in fact, hate dinner parties.

this is an excellent independence day feature, mark. i'll be spending the rest of the day trying to figure out my own answer to the question.

TJ said...

Orenthal James Simpson.

A six pack in and I won't be able to stop him from rambling on about the defenestration of Ron and Nicole.

Geoff said...

I have had drinks with Ric Flair...but it took place not in the 80s, but instead in 2006. He was super crazy and loud, and he picked up the tab. True story.

mayhugh said...

I had a shot of patron with Jeff Fahey in the Tequila Bar at Gate D of Dulles Airport about 3 years ago. That guy was pretty okay, too.

TR said...

James Gandolfini bought coke in a bar where I was drinking about a decade ago. He neither drank with me nor offered to share drugs with me.

Best part of the story - He was wearing a t- shirt flip-flops and what appeared to be Jamz shorts. No homo.

Mark said...

I've never been more jealous of Geoff than I am right now. Drinks with Flair would be awesome, regardless of the time or place.

TJ said...

I was sure Mayhugh was speaking of the Ultimate Weapon Jeff Speakman, but alas no...

TJ said...

And I bet Geoff did have a geat time with Flair, Essman too, sadly TJ was his typical asshole alcoholic self and can't confirm because he stood 6 feet from this encounter in his own fucking dumbass donkey coma.

zoltan said...

Farrah Fawcett, circa 1976.

Mark said...

TJ...did you give him money and ask him to play a bar side video game too?

TJ said...

No. Geoff and Essman were so embarassed by my presence I didn't approach.

Yeah, I'm that terrible...

zoltan said...

Steve McNair is dead. He was shot in the head twice. Crazy.

mayhugh said...

If I had met Jeff Speakman, well, life would probably be much different now. Ditto w/r/t Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

Mark said...

Vitas and I were fucking floored by the Steve McNair news. I kept talking about it at this party I'm at and nobody cared. I'm not breaking any news when I say that there is some shady shit going on with this murder. We're all about to learn a whole lot about Steve McNair than we ever thought we woudl.

rob said...

forgot to mention this earlier, but the joaquin andujar mention in mark's post is a little bit of underrated genius. the mcnair shit, though, is a little bit of insane.

Mark said...

See Rob... I don't totally hate baseball...

rob said...

federer's been in 16 of the last 17 grand slam finals. that's remarkable. and if tennis weren't so irrelevant, more people would know that stat.

Geoff said...

So what are we thinking? McNair went over to the girl's place and told her the affair is over, and she shot him and then killed herself?

zoltan said...

Tiger Woods is the Roger Federer of golf. Men's tennis is irrelevant because racquet technology lets today's player do stuff that was previously unthinkable. Almost everyone plays a baseline game too, so most are clueless at the net (Roddick can't even get to the net properly, let alone do something logical there). Many players do all the things you aren't supposed to do, but they're so good they can get away with it. So now when I watch tennis I often wonder aloud "why the fuck did he do that?" It's just hard to follow.

Mark said...

I'm going to have to disagree with Zoltan here. This final is fantastic. Each player's playing at an absurdly high level. The competitiveness alone in this match makes it worth watching. When you include the skill level and shot making involved, well, its pretty historic stuff.

zoltan said...

I was talking about the men's game in general. These guys are playing great tennis. But Roddick's approach and net game makes little sense, from the perspective of a normal human being. It's just hard to understand his strategy. Federer has unlimited shots from anywhere on the court, so he doesn't need a strategy.

Boris Becker said a 5th set is a test of who has more heart, so I'm taking Federer here.

rob said...

this match is absurd. high quality, high tension. roddick's held serve with the match on the line 9 straight times now. that's fairly mentally tough.

zoltan said...

Federer is wisely mixing in some slice and off-speed stuff. I don't know why it took so long.

zoltan said...

That's my point about Roddick, in a nutshell. He can't volley. He takes a full swing at everything, even from the service line.

Shlara said...

I've had the tennis on all morning...and I can't tell you the last time I watched a match. This is riveting. I dunno how they are both keeping their concentration and focus!

zoltan said...

Again. He had no need to smack that to the baseline. Just tap it at an angle across the court.

Shlara said...

I feel so bad for Andy. And, did you guys see the redic suit Federer was wearing to enter Centre Court this morning?

rob said...

the way roddick collapsed in that last game's gonna stay with him for a while.

rob said...

that suit was phenomenal. he looked like he was filming a video with harry belafonte.

zoltan said...

Classy.

Shlara said...

That gold trimmed track jacket is outrageous.
I hope Andy's family won't let him wallow tonight...

Next up: Tiger vs. AK!

Geoff said...

Marion Berry got arrested again...and the price of stamps is climbing ever higher.

TJ said...

Mayor for Life was stalking a woman? Geez, I at least expected some narcotics to be involved in his latest arrest.

rob said...

anthony kim stares into tiger's eyes and blinks. a lot.

mayhugh said...

Tj - would it be better if he was stalking a drug dealer?

TJ said...

Much.

Mark said...

TJ's right. I've stalked a drug dealer or two in my day and I'm the picture of upright citizenry.