Thursday, April 30, 2009

The 15% Rule

There's a scandalous new book coming out about Alex Rodriguez and steroids. Yeah, I know. You're probably racing over to Amazon.com to pre-order it. ESPN.com just posted a report that included some of the juicy details.

And while I mentioned in the comments of the post just prior to this that my biggest problem was deciphering what the hell "B---h T--s" meant (see the prior post for why it was such a struggle), I read on and was just flabbergasted. Not at the audacity of the rampant steroid use and web of lies covering it up. Hell, no, I figured that much.

But here is one of the outlandish tidbits about A-Rod from the upcoming book. (There were only 3 mentioned, this must be a dandy):

"• A-Rod was hated at Hooters, where he tipped the minimum 15 percent."

What??? He was "hated" because he tipped 15 percent? What melodrama. I get it, he has a ton of money, but what if the service was shoddy? I've been to Hooters; it can be hit or miss with the rocket surgeons hoisting trays there, and even if he got preferential treatment, what if they were annoyingly ass-kissy or bimbotic? He should give more simply because he can afford it? Does he buy an iPod from the Apple store for $1000 just because he can afford it?

And it's not like he stiffed the wait staff. It's not even like he gave 10%. 15% is the standard. 20% or more is earned, dammit, not charity work. I almost always give 20%, if only because the math is easier, but I certainly don't begrudge people for giving 15% (unless they're dining with me, and then come on, dude).

When Rob and I were delivering pies in Williamsburg for the Hut lo those many years ago, Bruce Hornsby's dad routinely gave a $20 bill on a $19.70 pizza order. Thanks, jackass. And even then, I wouldn't say we HATED him. We would just try to dodge that delivery and give it to Big Bruce or one of the pedophile couple.

Anyone at Hooters who "hated" A-Rod not because he was a namby-pamby whose presence on their favorite team's roster doomed them and whose contract was Exhibit A on what is wrong with baseball but because he only tipped 15% needs a desk job, and pronto. And they need to watch Reservoir Dogs and realize what some customers do.

And Selena Roberts, author of the book, just piling on -- when the fact that he's a milquetoast juicer should be enough --well, she'd better tip 22 fucking % every time out for dinner or beers after this. After all, with her book advance . . . she can afford it!


94 comments:

Geoff said...

That is surprising...the part about Whit being a bad tipper.

zoltan said...

When I delivered for Paul's I routinely received no tip whatsoever. Always hook up the delivery guy.

zoltan said...

And why is A-Rod eating at Hooters?

zoltan said...

And this is the most cockamamie thing I've read in a while. The US government is going into business with the Canadian government, Fiat, and a bunch of retired autoworkers??

[Chrysler] and government officials had feared that a bankruptcy would stain the brand, shake customer confidence and erode sales, but the administration said it would seek to use the process to create a new Chrysler company. Its ownership would be divided, with the company's union retiree health fund receiving a 55 percent stake, Fiat would claim as much as a 35 percent share and the United States would take 8 percent. The Canadian government would receive two percent.

Whitney said...

Maybe A-Rod asked the writer to put that in there so people would think he wasn't such a snooty patootie.

rob said...

yeah, um, my parents don't know i delivered pizzas. i lied to them after they forbade me to use the car to do so. told them i was waiting tables. so, if they come in here, everyone pretend whitney's talking about a different rob, mmmkay?

Marlin said...

Looks like the Wren movment is gaining steam. . .

http://tinyurl.com/dndnt2

zoltan said...

Our school sucks. As does that Wren article.

TR said...

I delivered for College Delly a few times. People usually tipped very well. As I'm sure Whit and the other Rob will attest, you get to see the other side of the 'Burg when you do this. You get to deliver to unbelievably shady people in crappy hotel rooms, where you realize what a hotel room looks like in the middle of a drug/booze/sex binge.

I never delivered to the Hornsbys, but I did get mocked by Bruce. When I was working in the kitchen and there were no dishes to watch on my Friday night shift, Dean would make me watch the lot so people didn't park there and go to Paul's or The Leaf. I would usually go to work immediately after a papal election, so it was fun to sit on a curb in the lot, smoke butts, watch traffic and make $4.25 per hour.

One afternoon, a very tall guy parked his Cherokee in the lot and started walking to Paul's. I told him he had to move his car. He was (justifiably) incredulous that I was a College Delly employee who sat in the lot to nab illegal parkers. He asked me if this was my job. I stammered yes as I realized who he was. He then told me that I was doing a great job and that I'm really good at what I do. He then moved his car. I was left muttering like Floyd in True Romance while lighting another Parliament Light.

Marlin said...

Somewhere in the White House:

Policy Hack: We really nedd to fix this Chrysler problem.

Treasury Guy: The problem is, Chrysler sucks and nobody wants their crappy cars.

PH: Yeah, the're kinda the American version of Fiat. Remember when they tried to sell Fiats in the US in the 80's? WOW, did those cars suck.

TG (Excited): Maybe we can organize a merger between Chrysler and Fiat! They both suck, so that means perfect synergy!!!!

PH (Cautious): Wait, don't both companies have a history of mismanagement and labor problems?

TG: Don't worry about labor issues, we will give the unions a controling share of the company and keep oversight with the federal government. If the government has proven anything over the years, it's that it can run a lean, well managed operation.

PH: That sounds fantastic. You Treasury guys sure are smart.

TJ said...

Now this is customer service:

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. – A Radio Shack employee in Eau Claire is facing disorderly conduct and battery charges for punching a customer.

Police say the customer was trying to return an item Sunday, but the employee wouldn't let him. The customer then asked to talk to a manager.

That's when the 52-year-old male employee began punching the man. A bystander called 911.

Whitney said...

This just in: Chrysler's K-cars will now be made with the Fiat touch. The new line will be called F-cars.

zoltan said...

Chrysler already had F-cars.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chrysler_F_platform

zoltan said...

I made a few deliveries to "Williamsburg Mobile Estates," which was a trailer park, and it was awesome. The scariest deliveries were to the trailer park hidden behind Bob Evans' Country Store. Rebel flags, 3-legged dogs, 60's Airflow trailers with bullet holes in them, the whole nine yards. And I was driving a Japanese car with NJ plates, blasting hiphop and wearing fly kicks.

rob said...

scariest deliver the other rob ever made was to a dark, seemingly deserted house out on a country road near the airport. he may have soiled himself. mimosa drive wasn't any fun, either.

Dennis said...

While I never technically worked in the delivery business (I was fortunate enough to score a job uptown in the white collar district of sports management), I can say, without hesitation, that the scariest "delivery" I ever made was to 3-0-Frat at around 1 A.M. when TR was playing show and tell with his closet door....

TJ said...

"Don't make me hurt your dog..."

Whitney said...

Are you guys kidding me? I thought the scariest place to deliver was Eastern State Mental Hospital. It was a dark, windy road back the the place, and oh, yeah -- people escaped from that place all the time. It was like a minimum security nuthouse or something. So every trip there and back you're thinking some loon in a busted open straitjacket's gonna leap out and jump on your hood for a ride to freedom. At best you get there okay and Nurse Ratched fishes her $13 out of her dress pocket slowly while the cast of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest II closes in with something to ask/tell you and a sly smile.

Shivers.

rob said...

truthfully, i never got the call to deliver to eastern state. guess i was more indispensable than others. they couldn't afford to risk my delivery talents on such a perilous run.

TJ said...

Rob is also the guy that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

TR said...

Was Eastern State the Dillard complex?

Geoff said...

I believe Eastern State was next to Dillard...and they occasionally swapped residents.

Marlin said...

I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the Whitney win.

rob said...

re: marlin - whaaa?

Geoff said...

Can we move the Star Wars conversation t the basement of the science building please?

rob said...

ah, nevermind. thank you, geoff.

Geoff said...

This is a venue for being dorky about sports, not science fiction.

rob said...

wise you are.

Marlin said...

No problem Mr. Geofferson. I will just grab my 12 sided die and be off.

Geoff said...

I hear there's a Magic: The Gathering pick-up game coming together over at the Barnes & Noble. Might want to get involved...

zoltan said...

The Dungeons and Dragons store around the corner from my apartment mercifully went out of business. I no longer have to see or smell the hordes of oddballs that play Magic there for hours.

TJ said...

These are not the droids Geoff is looking for.

Lumpy said...

I can attest to hornsby's parents being bad tippers. they were regulars at the backfin the summer i worked there. never got more than 10%. figured it was b/c they were old- or that i was a shitty waiter...

TJ said...

K Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies...

rob said...

rays' announcer just informed us that tonight's game against the sox is a must-win for tampa. in april. please make it stop.

TR said...

Garza looking tough through 6.

Mark said...

Magic up 15 on the Sixers thru 3. Wish I could say I was confident in that lead...

Mark said...

Just so you know, Ray Allen currently has 41 points. The Celtics have 91. That is all.

rob said...

race card.

rob said...

there's never been a better first-round series than this boston/chicago one, right? it's not possible.

TJ said...

It's absolutely the best playoff series I've ever seen.

Mark said...

I've been as big a critic of Rashard Lewis as there is (for a number of reasons), but he earned a large portion of his rather sizable paycheck tonight. Nice win for the Magicians.

And yeah, you two are both correct.

TJ said...

Let's go double OT for shits and giggles...

TJ said...

Biiiiig Baby

TJ said...

Good god

Mark said...

When did Big Baby turn into a big offensive factor? It can't be more than the last week or so right?

TR said...

This may be the first time I've ever had trouble staying awake for the end of a 7 PM tip-off.

By the time this series ends, Big Baby will be down to overweight from obese. He must be dropping pints of sweat out there.

TJ said...

Glenneth Davis...wow.

TR said...

Is there a name for Big Baby's hairdo? A flathawk?

TJ said...

Greg says Matt Holmes says yes.

TJ said...

make a fucking shot.

TJ said...

Let's go triple...

TJ said...

Hey Brad Miller, try not to choke again...

TJ said...

OK, I say Eddie House three sends us to Triple OT.

TJ said...

Oooooooooooooooooooh

Shlara said...

OMG. I love Jesus Shuttelsworth

Mark said...

I think I love him too...

TJ said...

Nobody fucks with the Jesus...

Mark said...

Well...TJ, Shlara and I ARE here, we might as well go 6 OTs, right?

Geoff said...

With all these car companies offering to pay my car payment if I get canned...there's gotta be an angle to manipulate that, right? Buy 50 cars, get canned and then rent them ut? Oh yeah, that has to work.

Geoff said...

I'm here now. Just finished packing my place up for the big move tomorrow. Is it indicative of a problem that I purposely didn't pack 1 bottle of scotch?

TJ said...

Crack that bottle for OT number four...

Marlin said...

Just got back from the new Taj Mahal of baseball in the bronx.

You guys playing cards?

Geoff said...

The price break down to $1200 lured you in Marlin?

TJ said...

Wow.

Shlara said...

uh-oh

Marlin said...

I lowered myself to set with the peons in a $75 upper deck seat.

TJ said...

It's all on Ray Ray

Mark said...

JOAKIM!!!

Geoff said...

I've only watched a few mins of tonight's game...but if Ray Allen gets a decent look at a 3 here, someone should be fired.

TJ said...

And that someone is Vinny del PooPoo

Geoff said...

If the new Xmen movie was showing for free in my living room, I'd go see if the dishes needed to be washed.

Marlin said...

This is just sick.

TJ said...

This game is exhausting.

Marlin said...

And that Geoff, is what makes you smarter than 95% of America.

TJ said...

No need to encourage him.

Shlara said...

Is Scalabrini that fat, or is there something wrong with my TV?

TJ said...

Didn't I see Next Day Air the first time, when it was called Half Baked?

Marlin said...

TJ,
Are you rooting for the Celts or for a game seven for one of the greatest series ever?

TJ said...

I'm rooting for OT number four.

Geoff said...

I just spotted Bill Wennington with a headset on. He's my favorite Canadian bearded St.John's alum who consistently could drain 15 foot jumpers.

TJ said...

Nice work Kirk.

TJ said...

Wow, you have been drinking,

Marlin said...

Eye of the tiger, nice.

Shlara said...

dagger

Geoff said...

I als just spotted Captain Lou Albano behind Doc Rivers.

TJ said...

Well then...I'm spent...

Geoff said...

Joakim's getting someone pregnant tonight.

Marlin said...

Captain Lou has ALS?

TJ said...

Geoff, let's not box him in, he's getting lots of ladies pregnant tonight.

rob said...

unfuckingreal

Geoff said...

Yes, he considers himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

rob said...

game 7 of this series will be the first nba game i've made a point to watch in years. fuckers have sucked me back in.

Mark said...

I'm sure Stern is elated, Rob.