Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Cauc Hop: Semifinal Results!

After a lengthy delay, the semifinals of G:TB's First (and likely last) Cauc Hop are in. The results were surprising, sensational, scintillating and superb. So without further Adu, let us reveal the results.

3rd Bass (4) vs. Eminem (1)

This battle between old-school and new-school hip hop stalwarts had the makings of a rout, with the higher seeded Marshall Mathers, master of the improv rhyme battle, seemingly ready to send 3rd Bass back to the section of Oblivion where they've resided over the last fifteen years. However, judges penalized Mathers early for re-using the "your dick is so small, when you try to take a piss, it runs all over your balls" joke he first penned as the character B-Rabbit in 8 Mile. Undaunted by the gravitas of his opponent, an angry MC Serch laid into Mr. Mathers with an unending onslaught of digs aimed at his fights with Insane Clown Posse, his newly waxed chest, his rhymes about closets and his publicly documented divorce.

With a stunned Eminem up against the ropes, Serch made the tag to an antsy Pete Nice. And, to nobody's surprise, Pete Nice kicked Em in the grill and delivered The Gas Face, leaving a dazed and confused and defeated Mathers to stumble back home to clean out some more closets.

In a monumental upset, the bastions of old-school hip hop revel in underdog 3rd Bass' upset victory over Eminem. 3rd Bass surprisingly moves into the finals.

Slug (14) vs. Beastie Boys (2)

In another match-up seen as a likely rout, the Beastie Boys did not disappoint. The trio brought the goods fast and hard, giving the most rapid beat-down seen since Mike Tyson pounded a terrified Michael Spinks into the canvas in 1988.

(Random editorial note - That fight happened in June 1988, meaning we are approaching the 21st anniversary of the fight. Feel free to start feeling very old now.)

Slug barely had time to take off his hoodie before being pummeled. The Beasties coast into the finals, leaving Slug to worm his way back to his hometown of Minneapolis.

So we are left with this final match-up for the Cauc Hop:

3rd Bass (4) vs. Beastie Boys (2)

Stay tuned for the review of this epic old-school battle...likely to come by 2011.

20 comments:

rob said...

i do not believe what i just saw. go crazy, folks.

Mark said...

Jack Buck invites to kindly shut the fuck up, Rob.

rob said...

jack buck is dead, mark. but if he were alive, this result would shock him. dude was a big-time hip hop fan. under-reported story.

TJ said...

You sure we can't add that fat kid's pic into this post too? It's pure joy.

Mark said...

Jack Buck did love hip-hop but he hated short people. So, I feel like I speak for both of us when I tell you to go to hell.

Mark said...

I just noticed all those crackers on the floor in front of the Beastie Boys. Nice touch.

rob said...

overworked mark is a dick. kinda like regular mark.

Mark said...

I'm nothing if not consistent.

zoltan said...

I believe those crackers are matzoh. And Passover starts next week. Challah!

jerome said...

if the NCAA had more 3rd Bass-type upsets I'd pay more attention.

TR said...

75 hours until major league baseball starts its 2009 season.

What superstar pitchers are being rolled out to start the season? None other than Derek Lowe and Brett "The Wife Beater" Myers. Ugly.

TJ said...

Um, Jay Cutler is going to Da Bears?

Whitney said...

Jay Cutler is a Bear. Kyle Orton is a Bronco. And if you didn't read "Bronco" with the exaggerated Hispanic accent that Bob Costas gave it on SNL lo those many years ago... well, re-read it and treat yourself.

Whitney said...

The Pirates lost to Manatee Community College today. Could be a long season for the Bucs.

rob said...

two firsts, a third, and orton for cutler? i'm no nfl personnel expert (though i would be far better than vinny cerrato), but that sounds like an insane price for a talented, immature douchebag.

Shlara said...

Guess who's going to Detroit for the Final Four? ME!!!

TR said...

Know what's worse than getting gum stuck on the bottom of your dress shoe? Getting 2 different cigarette butts stuck on that gum that is on your dress shoe, and having them stay on your shoe for the duration of your 10 minute walk home from the train.

"Who been putting their Kools out on my shoes? These are Persian shoes. From Persia."

Whitney said...

What's Shlara doing in Detroit? . . . So, send her some plane fare and a new pair of pants.

TJ said...

I get OJ jokes.

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