Friday, January 23, 2009

Lance Armstrong, C'mon on Down!

Congratulations Lance Armstrong! You have joined Brett Favre and Roger Clemens on the short list of famous athletes who squandered all the goodwill they ever earned. For that reason (and several others), you will headline the inaugural class of the G:TB's Anti-Gheorghe Hall of Fame.

Mr. Armstrong, you are a contrarian pick. Some folks know you as a legendary cyclist and an advocate for cancer research. But those memories are fading fast. What's being left in the flotsam is a picture of an over-the-hill athlete desperately trying to stay relevant.

Nobody gives a poop if you are riding a bike in Australia. So put away your Schwinn. And how about coming clean regarding your enhanced race performances in the past? The entire rest of the field was doped up to their eyeballs, yet you bested them all after battling cancer? Really? That's the silliest thing we've heard since somebody tried to convince us Liu Chunhong was a woman. Maybe you were sipping from Floyd Landis' magic Jack Daniels bottle all those years.

So you're probably wondering why we nominated you. Fair enough. First, it's for using your love of fame and your front as a cancer research advocate as a platform for sticking your distorted johnson into every B-list female celebrity you meet at parties. Second, we picked you because you walked out on your wife (pictured above) and children after THEY STOOD BY YOU FOR YEARS AS YOU FOUGHT CANCER. I'd have to revert to unprecedented font sizes to get this point across with appropriate vigor.

Men don't care about cycling. And they are tired of you hogging the front page of papers, magazines and web sites. Women loathe you as well. You lost their support when you abandoned your family for tramps like Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson and an Olsen twin.

When I have to make poop and I turn to my wife's US Weekly for some mindless on-the-potty reading to occupy me for 15 minutes, I want to see celebrity sluts with big breasts, little bikinis and hard nipples. I do not want to see a photo shoot of you jogging in Malibu with movie stars. The only Malibu dude I want to see while I'm taking the browns to the super bowl is my boy B-Rad.

For a guy who is allegedly focused on finding a cure for cancer, you seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time trying to get into the tiny pants of an Olsen twin. For that, we say shame on you. And we welcome you to the Anti-Gheorghe Hall of Fame, population you.

15 comments:

zoltan said...

Make poop?

Samantha said...

A-friggin'-men.

rob said...

look at rhymo making friends with the distaff side of the aisle.

jerome said...

what, no love for the jetsam?

Rhymenocerous said...

Little known fact almost none of you will care about:

Before joining Metallica, Jason Newsted played bass in a metal band called Flotsam and Jetsam.

rob said...

aha! i knew that. it's one of the very, very few pieces of metal trivia i know.

rob said...

right along with the anecdotal evidence of mike piazza snorting certs he thought was cocaine at a ratt concert circa 1986 or so.

Rhymenocerous said...

I respect Piazza a little bit more because he's a metalhead. I remember an SI article about him way back in the day where he showed off some obscenely expensive stereo system he bought. It was well into 6 figures for the system.

And anybody with the tiniest semblance of interest in metal (or the 1980's hair metal days) should buy Klosterman's Fargo Rock City. Muy hilarious.

rob said...

i read klosterman's 'killing yourself to live' and have meant to read more. his stuff is uniquely good.

TJ said...

Hey, shocker, the Chieves fired Herm.

TJ said...

Not to rain on Rhymo's parade but any decent Metallica fan knew that, and yes, amazingly, I am a pretty big Metallica fan.

zoltan said...

The Chiefs are looking to hire Shannahan. Maybe someday he'll coach the Chargers to complete his sweep of the AFC West.

Check out "Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" if you like Klosterman.

Whitney said...

"So put away your Schwinn."

Boy, have I heard that too many times in my day.

TJ said...

I enjoy Rhymo's ability to work Liu Chunhong into virtually every post he does.

TJ said...

Mark, Rhymo - did you see who Mel Kiper has the Jets taking in his first mock draft?

Percy Harvin.

That would be some nice synergy for the GTB editorial staff.