I'd email this to Mark this morning with my usual sarcastic subject line of "take a wild guess where this occurred?", but I am quite certain he is still sound asleep with visions of Timmy Tebows dancing in his head. So instead I'll tackle this one, though I'm sure none of you will even give a crap about this.
Let's start with this - how is this item even worthy of a news "article"? Did they put it up simply as a punchline? I mean, I started laughing even before I finished the headline...
Visitor defecates on Fort Pierce woman's porch
FORT PIERCE — A 31-year-old woman on Wednesday found a likely unwelcome surprise on her porch -- a human bowel movement with an "overwhelming" stench, according to a police report released Thursday.
"Likely unwelcome surprise"? I'm most certain a human bowel movement on your porch is an unwelcome surprise, but that's just me.
The victim told investigators the doorbell to her home in the 700 block of Beach Court rang, and she saw a red Jeep Cherokee blocking the driveway. However, she didn't recognize the vehicle, so she didn't answer the door.
I guess she didn't realize red Jeep Cherokees are to home poop delivery what pink Cadillacs are to home cosmetic delivery.
A friend stopped by shortly afterward and told her a "human bowel movement" sat on the porch, describing the odor as "repugnant." Toilet paper also was on the porch "where the suspect attempted to clean themselves."
Hold on. (1) - Did the friend actually use the term "human bowel movement"? Who the hell talks like that? (2) - Since when do doorstep defecators bring toilet paper with them? Rhymo, can you hep us here?
The victim told police a neighbor indicated a heavy-set woman drove off in the red Jeep and that she was selling Mary Kay products.
Um, OK, you might not believe me, but I wrote that Mary Kay joke above before scrolling down and reading the entire article. So I'm keepin it in.
The victim told investigators the smell was "overwhelming and she had to clean it as soon as possible."
Police have no suspects and collected no evidence at the scene.
No evidence? What about the steamy, smelly human bowel movement sitting on the porch? Police also confirmed there is no truth to the rumor the lady called the shit "poop".