Friday, January 09, 2009

Slow news day in Fort Pierce?

I'd email this to Mark this morning with my usual sarcastic subject line of "take a wild guess where this occurred?", but I am quite certain he is still sound asleep with visions of Timmy Tebows dancing in his head. So instead I'll tackle this one, though I'm sure none of you will even give a crap about this.

Let's start with this - how is this item even worthy of a news "article"? Did they put it up simply as a punchline? I mean, I started laughing even before I finished the headline...

Visitor defecates on Fort Pierce woman's porch

FORT PIERCE — A 31-year-old woman on Wednesday found a likely unwelcome surprise on her porch -- a human bowel movement with an "overwhelming" stench, according to a police report released Thursday.

"Likely unwelcome surprise"? I'm most certain a human bowel movement on your porch is an unwelcome surprise, but that's just me.

The victim told investigators the doorbell to her home in the 700 block of Beach Court rang, and she saw a red Jeep Cherokee blocking the driveway. However, she didn't recognize the vehicle, so she didn't answer the door.

I guess she didn't realize red Jeep Cherokees are to home poop delivery what pink Cadillacs are to home cosmetic delivery.

A friend stopped by shortly afterward and told her a "human bowel movement" sat on the porch, describing the odor as "repugnant." Toilet paper also was on the porch "where the suspect attempted to clean themselves."

Hold on. (1) - Did the friend actually use the term "human bowel movement"? Who the hell talks like that? (2) - Since when do doorstep defecators bring toilet paper with them? Rhymo, can you hep us here?

The victim told police a neighbor indicated a heavy-set woman drove off in the red Jeep and that she was selling Mary Kay products.

Um, OK, you might not believe me, but I wrote that Mary Kay joke above before scrolling down and reading the entire article. So I'm keepin it in.

The victim told investigators the smell was "overwhelming and she had to clean it as soon as possible."

Police have no suspects and collected no evidence at the scene.


No evidence? What about the steamy, smelly human bowel movement sitting on the porch? Police also confirmed there is no truth to the rumor the lady called the shit "poop".

21 comments:

rob said...

first poop post of the new year. guess the holidays really are over.

and, man, what a good time to be a gator. four major-sport national championships in as many years is pretty sweet. not as sweet as a william and mary education, mind you, but pretty sweet nonetheless.

rob said...

i think thom brennaman's tebow ball-washing was hall of fame worthy, for what it's worth. masterful in its sycophancy. and that's coming from someone who likes tebow quite a bit - can't imagine how it sounded to people who don't like the kid.

TJ said...

Thom was an embarrassment last night, on so many levels.

Greg said...

I'm so glad that Rhymo pointed out the fat kid in the OU band with the afro (Spafro?). I saw it every time.

Rhymenocerous said...

The fat kid was like a Mexican Jonah Hill.

As Tim Marlin used to say "Everybody loves the happy fat guys. Noboby likes angry fat guys."

Whitney said...

Check out Thom Brennaman's wikipedia page today (it will be edited soon, I am sure).

"On January 9th he openly professed his love for Tim Tebow on national tv and asked how he could get a seat on the Tebowner."

Rhymenocerous said...

The announcers were horrendous last night. Charles Davis had one rant where he kept sidetracking himself and wouldn't stop talking. He was babbling about something inane, but got distractedby a time-of-possession graphic. He segued right into that, even though it was something innocuous like 23 to 20 minutes. He then segued back into something else. He eventually left the crap sandwich of a ramble in Brenneman's hands, who thankfully was able to talk about the next play.

Couldn't they have pulled Jeannie Zelasko out of storage, staple-gunned her wig du jour to her head and let her handle some of the event?

The Fox guys made it look like Fox doesn't handle college games very much. Oh, wait...

Rhymenocerous said...

Does the ESPN BCS gig kick in next year? That will make things much better. I'm a big fan of Brent and Herbie, although I still suffer from Keith Jackson withdrawal.

jerome said...

CNN Headline - 'Cancer-free' baby born in London.

The UK medical health system sure has come a long way. It seems like it was just yesterday all Brits were born with cancer, typhoid fever, and gonorrhea.

rob said...

and scurvy. don't forget scurvy.

TJ said...

And horrendous teeth.

TJ said...

You know, after Brennaman's game-long knob job on Tebow last night, I don't want to hear a lot of bashing of Dickie V's dook love. At least Vitale wasn't trying to saint J.J. Redick while he had his balls in his mouth.

Rhymenocerous said...

"Anybody who puts JJ's penis in their mouth, even if it's only for 5 minutes, is a better man for it. That diaper dandy's dork is unbelievable, baby!"

- Dick Vitale, February 2006

TJ said...

Super scintillating sensational semen

Mark said...

Brennaman was bad but Charles Davis was a televised abortion. I have no idea how he got thar gig with Fox. He was a fucking sideline reporter for Sunshine Network (and a bad one at that) and then all the sudden he's the color guy for the BCS games. Uggh.

Mark said...

So...TJ. How much of an ass did you feel like when Percy Harvin was running wild last night?

TJ said...

Go read all the comments from last night. I'll wait...

Now did you find where I conceded I was a dummy very early in the game?

Mark said...

Oh, I saw it last night. I just felt like rubbing your nose in it a bit. I'm feeling pretty smug tonight.

Fwiw, I know Tebow's great and I love him but my love for Percy far outweighs it. Probably my favorite Florida player ever (sorry Lito).

TJ said...

It's been a really long, miserable week...but then Journey's "Separate Ways" just came on. It's amazing how one song can brighten my mood every fucking time I hear it. You go Steve Perry.

TJ said...

Mark, not saying you necessarily need to pick a new location, but you might want to make sure you are cognizant of who your neighbors are:

A funeral home might be a place for eternal rest, but police say an Arkansas man saw an opportunity to build a methamphetamine lab undisturbed by the living.

There was just one problem—the funeral home was across the street from the sheriff's office.

Mark said...

By the way, I'm more than a little disappointed that none of you took the time to click on the link I included in the first mention of Tim Tebow in yesterday's post. If you had, you would've seen that I left all of you a present. Some fun shots of the, um, well endowed young lady who ended up all over the ebays last year after she was captured in a pic with Tebow.