Most of the staff is out of town today (an infrequently used euphemism for impotence), so I've been given the honor of collecting our guys' picks and posting them. The good thing is that I don't actually have to make any picks, since I've proven myself way out of my element. Enjoy what the keen minds at Gheorghe have brought you this week, and as always, good luck deciphering whose is whose without name tags:
Minnesota (+3.5) @ Tampa Bay
I don't know why I keep picking Bucs games. It’s not like I know what I’m doing when I pick these games, or even what day it is, thanks to Teejay Brand Tobacco. But here’s a trivia question for you: who leads the NFL in rushing? Nope, not Clinton Portis any more, not L
aDainian Tomlinson (now that he’s completely mediocre he’s stripped of the “LT” title; he’s more “LD” these days), not Mike Alstott... no, it’s Adrian Peterson, the only man with over 1,000 yards to date. How do my beloved Butt Buccaneers hold him off? They don’t. He runs hog-wild around, over, and through the Tampa D like Geoff in a Dupont Circle laundromat after too much pink zinfandel. The Bucs instead rely on the inevitable, eventual downfall of Gus the kicking mule. Hear me now and believe me later: Gus throws for 275 yards, 2 TD’s, 4 INT’s, and one head-butt of the pirate ship. And one of those picks comes back for a TD... or I eat a big steak-n-tot breakfast burrito from Sonic.Also worth noting: I use multiple paragraphs every time I review a game. Why can't I be more succinct? Well, fuck you, Burr. Take the Tampax out of your ass (still talking to you, hair gelly donut) and take Tampa to cover (now speaking to everyone).
Dallas (-1.5) @ Washington
This pains me. After the Skins go and face the peril in Dallas, coming out victorious, they now have to host the Cowgirls with one arm and one leg lopped off. ‘Tis but a scratch, so says Jim Zorn, but we know better. It’s too perilous. Cowboys 19, Redskins 10. (I bet you’re gay.)
Oakland (+10.5) @ Miami
The Raiders are poop. Not a little bit poopy but total and utter excrement. Poop like the Jets’ drafts from Johnny “Lam” Jones well into the modern era.
(And Burr, blow me for making fun of my use of YouTube and then doing it yourself. You love me. Smile, you love me.)
But what do we know about poop? Sometimes it gets on your shoe, and that makes you angry. Not enough to ruin your day, but enough to agitate you. Not enough to win this game
, but enough to stay within 10.5 points and agitate the ‘fins. Not enough to take the title like Magnum T.A. against Tully Blanchard in the 1985 “I Quit” Cage Match, but enough to be pests, like Ole & Arn Anderson. It’s like creeper dope , the kind you dismiss as total rag because your high school cousin bought it, but then when you’re laughing out loud at reruns of Kenan & Kel on Nickelodeon at 4 in the morning, you start to realize that while still crap at its core it can still tweak reality and make its presence felt. That’s the Raiders. Seed-filled, stem-filled, nearly-oregano, cheap-assed rag weed. God bless em. Raiders.Baltimore (+6.5) @ NY Giants
Gang Green won last night, vindicating me and elating fellow G:TB mastermind TeeJet. Sunday will be the other Meadowlands inhabitants' time to shine, which doesn’t make anyone around these parts all that pleased. The Giants are like the peep show jerk-off bin in Times Square; lots of folks in other parts of the country don’t want to believe that they exist, but they get the job done, even if it ain’t pretty. Brandon Jacobs reminds me a good deal of the menu at a recent “Feats of Eating” battle in which I took bronze. By that I mean he’s a side of beef, a huge rump roast, one andouille, and two meatballs all served on a plastic tray with “Rahway Sheraton” printed on it. Look for a pair of trips into the soft, wet, pink, promised land for him. (Sorry, Cinemax Late Night was on last night.) Joe Flacco, meanwhile, reminds me far too much of the horrendous gas I had after 3AM Jack-in-the-Box in Spartanburg, SC on Spring Break junior year. Make what you will of that comparison.
Prediction: Giants cover, winning 23-14.
Tennessee (-3) @ Jacksonville
I’m really not too good at this whole “gambling” thing. It’s why I don't actually wager money on these picks, just the good name of my good friends at Gheorghe. (Except Mark, whom I loathe. So should you.) Whenever I have a notion on who will win, I threaten to call Swint’s bookie, only to choose instead to merely mention it in a G:TB comment and soon thereafter see that prediction rendered idiotic. It's all part of why I keep my job down at the Wonka factory rather than go into bookmaking.
I like to root for the little guy, ‘cause, y’know, I’m wee. I root for the oppressed. I’m not
talking “little guy” like Little Danny Starfucker or “little guy” like the Coney in Whitney’s underjohnnies. I’m talking underdogs. Like Barack Obama, baby. (Memo to Geoff: it wasn’t just a nightmare . . . the man of color is president. Deal with it.) It’s like Jay Barker used to say: “Red . . . 32 . . . hey, Auburn . . . Fuck you.” Jags win this outright, rendering all the talk about the Titans going undefeated about as relevant as Titanic. (Which, yes, I saw in the theater. Screw you, Mark. I'm old and gay.)
Posts
179 comments:
top notch, top notch.
Brilliantly done, Mr. Lester.
And I could not be prouder that we got a mention of Tully Blanchard and the Anderson (Andersen?)brothers. Why can't I remember who the fourth horseman was during their evil reign in the NWA? Too bad I don't have my old Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazines anymore.
For the record, I have never been to South Carolina (other than driving through it), though I have had horrendous gas at all hours in most every state I've visited.
Bravo sir. Spot on.
And for the record, I'm not more succint because I have important things to say and my knowledge and wit can only be wittled down so much. Believe me, my picks start out much longer.
Without cheating, can anybody tell me where Gameday is tomorrow morning? Or for what game?
Harrisonburg, VA for Tribe/JMU
NCAA is going to be pissed when Corso puts on the Headdress.
You're not as far off (size wise) as you might think.
Didn't know if any of the futile superfans had seen this:
http://misterirrelevant.com/index.php/2008/11/14/jmu-football-is-rated-above-notre-dame/
W&M's got a lot to gain this weekend it seems.
Well done Whit. Despite the ever increasing fear the weather will trap me in Charlotte tonight I got a hearty chuckle out of this.
And here's hoping you go 0-5.
I think I read it's HBCU weekend.
It is Jerry, and it will feature Florida A&M (and their awesome fucking band and nattily attired head coach) verus YOUR Hampton Pirates.
Get. Excited.
Go Rattlers.
I'm 95 percent sure Michael Phelps is standing three feet away from me at my gate. And I appear to be the only one who has even noticed.
I agree Jerry.
Aand TJ...are you going to say something? Or just tell your internet friends about it.
OK, I cheated. Hampton/Florida A&M? Really?
I assume the reason for the question relates to the fact that logically they should be at the Swamp this weekend.
How many visits have have they made to G-ville this year?
The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. I assume that ESPN has been looking for a while to do game day from a HBCU and the slate of games this week gives them a good opportunity to do that without blowing off a school they have done gameday from numerous times.
I always thought that the ESPN 2 should do a scaled down Game Day 2 from a big matchup at smaller 1-A or 1-AA schools. Montana/Montana State, Appy State / GA Southern, ect.
Its not him. I asked. And his doppleganger has the same lack of personality as Phelps.
He probably tires of that question TJ. And you are kind of scary looking.
I don't really care that Gameday isn't at UF. In fact, I rarely care. I mean, its a nice advertisement for the school but it doesn't affect the atmosphere on/around campus in a tangible way. I just found it odd that they'd choose Hampton-FAMU for their location this weekend.
Also, I like the Gameday 2 idea but it seems like it would be quite costly for the amount of viewers it would attract. And who would host? Jesse Palmer? If so, lets make it happen.
The viewership issue is the reason why it has to be all human/school interest and not much analysis. Anybody interested in listening to Joe Schad break doen the Miami - FSU game can watch the original gameday. On the otherhand, if you have an interest in watching toothless frat guys at Appy State chugg beers, tailgaters serving martinis at Harvard/Yale, very attractive coeds at Furman, or Whitney shotgun beers on the porch at college delly while eating a hot holly, Gameday 2 is the show for you. Features like "Walk of Shame of the Week", where they profile the trip back to the dorm by the girl that J Palms tagged on friday night, would be staples.
The ebbs and flows of Jesse Palmer's brief life are really quite astounding. He went from highly touted high school QB to a platooning Gator who lived in Spurrier's dog-house to a 3rd string NFL QB to a very famous and pretty likeable reality show star (at least according to my wife) to a genuinely insightful and entertaining college football analyst.
Hopefully, he's now picking up the lady scraps that Kirk Herbstreit would've mowed down a decade ago.
I know I've said this before but the amount of ass that Palmer didn't get at Florida is/was a fucking crime. He was, simply put, a dork.
A guy I went to grad school with was a WR on the same teams as Palmer (his wife was the "spy" on Jesse's version of the Bachelor) and he had number of stories about Jesse completely botching the chance to bed horny/drunk coeds. The guy had to set Jesse up on numerous dates. Which, for any QB at UF during the Spurrier era, is completely ridiculous.
He's like the bizzarro Grossman...that guy partied non-stop and did waaay better with girls than he would've if he had turned out to be anything else in life.
Palmer was also the victim of Bruce Smith's career record-breaking sack.
3:30 until the Tribe cagers tip off the 08-09 season. Any insight from the futile superfans regarding the PSU game?
That fucking was Phelps that prick...
Phelps was in Birmingham on Wednesday.
Teej, you should have just walked up to him, given him a dollar and walked away without saying anything.
Are the Crispin brothers still at PSU?
Yes, they panhandle down by the athletic center on Tuesday and Thursdays.
Just catching up before dinner...Rhyme, I can't believe you compared dorky Jesse the Bachelor to hottie Kirk Herbstreit. Jesse is the Sea Dogs to Kirk's Red Sox.
just got back from philly, so i missed most of the first half of the tribe game. from what i've seen in the second half, effort won't be an issue, but making shots might be, especially against teams that are able to effectively extend their defense. they'll beat some teams they shouldn't by getting hot from the perimeter, and they'll lose a few they shouldn't when they're cold.
pouring out a little of my 40 for fire joe morgan this evening:
http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/11/post-1377-relatively-short-goodbye.html
vmi 111, kentucky 103. zoinks.
Billy Gillespie seems to have trouble with, how you say, early season non-conference opponents. In my expert opinion, this doesn't bode well for the matchup with UNC early next week.
Even without the hyper gay muppet, Carolina by 35.
Oh TJ, that got me.
And, for the record, I'm entirely too nervous about the UF-USC game for it to be over 4 hours away. Playing against Spurrier always scares me and I really think this game's going to be close deep into the 4th quarter. Sometimes, I kind of hate Saturdays.
the myron rolle story is a great one. shame his knucklehead teammates on the offensive side of the ball can't take a lesson.
Corso is out of hand. And I love it.
jimmy clausen - program savior.
The paragraph on creeper dope was brilliant.
$137.5MM/6 years is a lot of money to pay for a 6'7" 290 pound pro athlete, regardless of the sport. It's insane money for a 28-year-old pitcher.
Myron Rolle is a very smart kid. And a very overrated safety. And, I can't wait for the video of the FSU brawl...
I enjoyed Fowler saying it went down at "high noon".
Rutgers up 21-10 at the half. They could've benefitted from a Louisville upset against Cincy last night.
Tribe and JMU just got underway. Over/under for this game would be set in the low/mid 60's...
Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets me as excited/nervous as the CBS College Football music.
Spurrier...fuck off asshole...
Brandon Spikes...best LB in the country?
A couple of other things I liked:
- South Carolina had to move their benches because they were too close to the UF student section and, in the words of Tracy Wolfson, "the fans were saying some pretty crude things". Nice to know things haven't changed.
- Bob Kraft is on the Florida sidelines. You have to like Meyer's style when it comes to who he associates with.
- Ahmad Black is awesome. Always in the right spot...oh yeah, Percy Harvin is pretty good too.
Tribe getting trounced in Harrisonburg. Now 48-17. Not that we expected to win, but a blowout is not helpful... unless it gets the Tribers all enraged next week against the Spiders.
Oh, and thanks to Teejay and some of the Gheorghe illiterati for meeting me out for some revelry last night. Teej had been severely pelted with small rocks by the time I found him, so he was even more entertaining than usual.
And Greg was his usual deeply philosophical and serious self.
hey, guys! just got back from madagascar (2) and, boy am i tired.
now time to commence worrying about why alabama can't beat sly croom.
Non sequitur: Am I crazy to start Ricky Williams at home vs OAK over LaDainian Tomlinson @ PIT (where it may snow and will be freezing cold)? I read what TJ wrote about Tomlinson... (but the question is serious, as I am more than considering the risky move).
risky, but not crazy. meanwhile, i have to choose 2 of slaton, larry johnson, julius jones, mewelde moore, and cadillac williams. and then cut 1 of them, too.
Cadillac & Julius? Cut Slaton? Don't ask me, I'm starting Ricky Williams.
You know, when you recruit guys named Smelley & Succop (actually pronounced "suck-up"), you deserve to be down 28-3 in the 2nd quarter.
leaning slaton and lj and cutting jones. if willie parker was more durable, moore's the easy cut, but parker's tissue soft.
Pau Gasol soft?
And cut Julius Jones.
Julius Jones runs for 100 yds and a TD vs Arizona this weekend, but only if you cut him.
Okay, Cadillac is probably inactive and I now see how much Julius Jones has sucked over the last 6 weeks. Teej is right.
i love watching percy harvin. goodness.
if cadillac is still inactive, i can leave him on ir. problem solved, at least for another week.
lester penis soft, teej.
so google is having an ip address resolution issue, meaning that i keep getting the google espana page when i try to search for peeps pictures. thank god i'm not drunk yet.
After further review, the Buccaneers are screwing you, Rob. Cadillac Williams has returned to the active roster. But if he plays at all it won't be much, according to Jon Gruden.
Hopefully this concludes the "Retarded People Talking Fantasy Football" portion of the G:TB comments. My bad.
maryland doing its part to contribute to the clusterfuckery that is the acc.
mason had to go overtime to win at vermont this afternoon. that's an eyebrow-raiser.
another confidence-inspiring start for alabama against mississippi state.
is it wrong to find college girls in houndstooth inexplicably attractive?
Not wrong at all Rob.
And, um, that was an impressive victory for Florida today, huh? I feel like I should shitcanned every time they play now.
Seriously, I don't quite know how to react to the Gator season as its presently constituted. We are blowing every team we play out in the first half. There's no stress, no angst, no calls to second guess. I feel a little bit lost right now.
assuming alabama beats auburn (that sound you hear is me knocking wood furiously) and florida beats the citadel and florida state, what's the line for the sec championship? florida -4 at least, right? the top-ranked team in the nation will be a decided underdog, and they should be. florida is sick.
florida state in all black tonight. that's not working, sartorially or otherwise.
I've heard its closer to -7 or so. Despite the fact that I have serious, serious concerns about the FSU game, I think that Florida should be favored by about that if things continue to go as they are currently. Like I said earlier, this Florida team is unlike any I can remember (in terms if potency) since the the mid 90s.
following our ongoing story, washington state lost 31-0 to arizona state tonight, falling to 1-10, 0-8 in the pac 10. the cougars have been outscored 440-61 in conference play - they lose the average league game 55-7. there simply can't be a more dreadful major conference squad.
i agree, mark. florida's just better. without javier arenas and some godawful msu special teams, alabama struggles to beat sly tonight. florida is the best team in the country right now.
Can you imagine how bad it might be in the SEC or the Big 12 for Wazzu?
duke and vanderbilt would make fun of them.
and baylor, who beat them 45-13.
Strangely (or not so much if you really know me), Florida's current dominance really scares me. They feel extremely ripe for a rivalry game upset (ala 1997, in an opposite fashion) against FSU in a couple weeks. I'll be in attendance and if it that happens, I may go to jail for fighting a tallahassee redneck for ruining my year.
not that it'll make you feel any better (because i completely understand the irrationality you describe), but there's no fucking chance florida loses to this seminole team. no. fucking. chance.
and, hey - troy, don't fuck it up.
Too late. Troy has already fucked it up..down 33-31 with 3:30 to play. I have no motherfucking idea how this happened.
through the magic of the google advertising engine, we're now displaying a banner for a spanish gay matchmaking service. bravo, gtb, for your embrace of people of all persuasions. we're enlightened like a motherfucker.
Dios Mio!
i'd have to think that jerry's pretty pleased with the turn of events thus far in the meadowlands.
eli manning's really good in the pocket.
How bout the shitshow McNabb is putting on in Cincy?
Oh, and I'm back on the good coast...and was surprised to see my name appear in every other paragraph on this site. I miss you guys too.
Nice to hear from you Danielle. How's Geoff doing?
We missed you too Danielle. Can you out Geoff on the phone now?
Damn you Mark.
Motherfucker...
whitney's always had a little bit of a thing for geoff.
because i know you guys care, i went with johnson and slaton. the 71-yard td the latter just scored was tasty.
and mcnabb, more than any other so-called big-time qb, is uniquely capable of looking like he's never played the game before.
I contend no decent QB in the last decade has thrown more horrendous worm burners week in and week out. Sometimes it looks like Andy Reid secretly swiched Donovan's footballs with mecury tipped balls.
And yes, I giggled typing "mercury tipped balls".
we're gonna be the #1 ghooghle result for 'mercury tipped balls'.
tribe hoops deadlocked with ohio late in the first half. clash of titans.
I'll the third the motion on McNabb. He's a bipolar QB.
Rob...is the W&M game on tv?
maybe on athens, oh cable access. otherwise, i don't think so.
The Bengals don't want to win this game...but the Eagles are tryng to force them to.
Wow...the Eagles haven't looked this bad in years.
miami's gonna feel pretty stupid losing to oakland after all the 'hey, we don't suck' talk over the past week.
How dumb? As dumb as you felt for picking the Broncos over Miami last week?
oh, no - that's a whole different level of dumb.
i'd be willing to bet my next three paychecks that the Eagles win this game 16-13.
Or...not...?
Okay...McNabb has to be throwing this game.
Sal Rocca's probably gonna lose his job this week...yet McNabb is the one who truly deserves to. Is it Kevin Kolb time?
And seriously, is there anything that makes me happier than the Eagles looking incompetent? I submit that there is not.
This is one ugly game.
tribe got run out of the gym in the second half - 74-55, ohio. not the start we were looking for.
That seems fitting.
football weather in pittsburgh. awesome.
The Graham missed FG...not the Tribe hoopsters getting crushed.
That personal foul call was really awful...and I love it. I'm kinda rooting for the tie.
Sorry...tivo time warp.
I'm really hoping that Arizone loses today so people realize how crappy a team they really are.
Same for Tennessee. But I don't think they're crappy. I "hope" they're crappy b/c the Jets play them next week.
Please please please beat Dallas, Washington. I want that odious franchise buried by the end of this month.
The Steelers just covered on that fumble recovery for a TD.
i just won my fantasy football game on that garbage time td - that's one of the greatest meaningless plays in history.
No they didn't.
I "best bet" the Steelers in my picks pool too, so that's a 3-point swing for me.
what was the ruling? i had to put the kids to bed.
It was an illegal forward pass with 0:00 on the clock, so the game ends at the instant the illegal forward pass occurred. The TD run-back didn't officially happen. I am bitter.
well, that's a pisser.
You know how I know that this Redskins-Cowboys game is big? NBC broke out the Fort Minor song for it...
pretty nice run support by smoot there. he'll be talking about that for weeks.
zorn! onions!
So zorny. Balls out.
Smoot...again...
i'm not sure, but i think madden just called flozell adams stupid.
3 starters on the Skins D didn't go to an SEC school.
Sorry...4...got a little excited there.
So, to Rhymo's point, the NFC West has the Cards at 6-4...and then three fucking atrocious 2-8 clubs?
Rob it's your boy...
keep trying to force it owens, tony. kthx.
I'm liking the D'Angelo Hall signing more now...
yeah, i'm kinda ignoring that part, teej. number 23 sure looks nifty, tho.
Smoot, Hall, Rogers and Springs: The Four Corners of the Apocalypse?
Wizard of Oz on TBS...you know, for commercial breaks.
If Sean Taylor was still there you'd have 5 guys drafted in the top ten in the secondary.
al michaels with the strained pop culture reference. kudos, albert.
Because they're so old?
terrell owens has some questionable hands. he got hit pretty good there, but he drops a lot of passes. and he's a bitch, so there's that.
That tie looks like it might keep Philly out of the cellar.
i'd like to do a little night putting with paula creamer.
You go big boy
qb draw. pretty.
Zorn...awesome...
some gibbsian timeout clusterfuckery for old times sake.
The ghost of Joe Gibbs seems to be visiting this particular series.
a circus of clusterfuckery. what the hell was rock cartwright doing?
Enough with the More Taste League...please.
Rock Cartwright...you've built up a ton of goodwill with me...but that was maddeningly stupid.
Oh my god, this IS Gibbs 2.0.
Gibbsian challenge there too.
A tie at halftime would be mildly devastating.
so it appears i may be losing czabe as part of the xm/sirius merger. i'm a bit nonplussed. is he still on locally in the mornings?
What exactly does Honda mean by "The Fit is Go!"? I don't understand.
Drew, haven't you heard?
The bird is the word.
neat.
Czabe is on in the mornings on 1370AM which is tough to get as it is out of Balt. He is on every afternoon from 4-7.
You know what this reminds me of? The Steelers game 2 weeks ago.
Ok Rock...that makes up for it.
Madden loves the word "wedge"
Hiya Teej!
Hi Greg!
Are you already back in the city of brotherly bad touch?
I am! And it's my last week here.
zorn realizes jason campbell can throw the ball 75 yards in the air, right?
Don't look now, but Whitney...er, the G:TB staff...appear to be 4-0 right now.
sadly, it looks like "i" got the jags call wrong.
Oh, well, screw you then rob.
i'm looking for a slant-and-go on this series.
A split screen of uber douchebaggery.
suisham's range appears to be about 40 tonight. right on.
Yikes.
And I hear an awful lot of cheers for Dallas on that TD.
Curious to see how Zorn and the team responds here.
I already know how the Norv Turner-led squad would respond, of course. They'd compete out there, do some good things, do some bad things, and end up losing 28-10.
To Teej's point about the Cowboy cheers, with all of the money Snyder has invested in stupid, hair-brained ideas at the stadium formerly known as Jack Kent Cooke, I'd like to see him have a department of his staff run replay over and over and figure out which seats Cowboys fans are sitting in this game . . . and up those ticket-holders' season rates by $1000. Second offense, you lose your seats.
If they lose this game, which looks like where we're headed, I'm not sure what the difference between this squad and the last 4 years of Gibbs is... Back to back home national TV stinkers on offense. I'm pissed.
People finally figured out you can run on this team. Took 9 weeks, but they finally got it.
Offensive Line has had a peach of an outing.
Gutless
Hard to believe after that 1st drive that our boys'd muster 3 points the rest of the way.
This video is almost as funny as the "Butt-Fumble" Amanda Vanderpool
Post a Comment