Sunday, December 21, 2008

G:TB's Week 16 NFL Picks

Look at Dennis getting us started...now, does anyone else plan to pick a game?

I like Miami -4 at Kansas City and Philly -5 at Washington. I also like long walks on the beach, being tickled just right, and potpourri. I'm Dennis, and that's one to grow on.

Everybody's favorite random drunk, Greg, is back in my neck of the woods for a week or so. And in between pissing in the lobby of the local Sheraton and telling girls he was a minor league hockey player last night, well, we talked a little football. Greg says the Bucs (-3) are locks to beat San Diego today and keep their playoff hopes alive. I say Greg is a no good drunk who may or may not make out with his brother when they're reunited over the holidays. I also watched enough Brian Griese last week to know that the Bucs don't have Frosty's chance in hell (The (snow) man did some unspeakable shit with that corn cob pipe) with him under center. Fortunately, it looks like Garcia will get the start today. So, I'll go against my better judgement and take the Bucs (-3) at home.

I haven't picked two games in some time but I doubt TJ's going to pick any games since he's likely too busy texting Rob about W&M basketball. And Rob's not going to pick any games because he's playing Littlest Pet Shop with his girls (the size of the toys finally makes him feel like a grown up). And Whitney, well, who the fuck knows what that guy is doing. Other than getting drunk on some obscure micro-brew and listening to Springsteen bootlegs whilst masturbating to tapes from this, of course. Admittedly, thats a pretty full day for the old guy so we'll cut him some slack. However you slice it, it means I have to pick another game. Hey, the Texans have been hot lately...and the Raiders have been a pile of hot shit all season long. Looks good to me. Houston (-7.5) over the Silver & Black.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 10th Day

On the tenth day of Gheorghe-mas
Six gifts worth giving
Four awful words
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

2008 was a banner year in Gheorghedom. We broke through the critical mass barrier, adding celebrated pundits Rhymenocerous and Mark to create the internet’s first mega-micro blog (defined as having more writers than readers). The multi-mentioned William & Mary Tribe hoops squad had the best postseason in school history, and our coverage led to a G:TB mention in the W&M Alumni Magazine – on the same day we celebrated George Carlin’s Seven Words. Sorry, Mom. GTB staffers met Sugar Ray Leonard, Michael Litos, Extra P, and our namesake. We gained actual female readers. We dealt with the difficult issues of our time: hangovers, heightism, mustaches, and recently, in a very special GTB post, lactation. As we close the book on this eventful annum, we look forward with a renewed sense of (no) purpose and a commitment to windmill-tilting and lunatic populism. But until Baby New Year waddles into view, a brief look back at the things that tickled our sporting fancy in 2008:

Usain Bolt breaks the sound barrier. GTB's a sucker for the Olympics, and Bolt's performance in the sprint events went beyond dominant, past plaid, all the way to interstellar. His paradigm-shifting performance changed the way we think about the limits of human physical ability. Only slightly less impressive was the sychronized drum/dance/acrobatics of what appeared to be the entire population of China in the Opening Ceremonies.

Roger Clemens and O.J. Simpson feel karma's cold kiss. Our disdain for the Texas Con Man is as long-documented as it is irrational. That disclaimer noted, there were very few stories in 2008 that warmed our bully-hating hearts more than the grotesque dance between Clemens, Brian McNamee, George Mitchell, and the U.S. Congress. And if Clemens is the object of rob's lunatic disdain, O.J. Simpson is Teejay's white whale. Ahab finally got his man.

Tommy Smyth says 'onion bag'. We've never been above a little (more than a little) 'you had to be there' humor. In an inside joke for 3 or 4, we had a spirited liveblog commentary over at Mark's old stomping grounds during the UEFA Champions League Final between Manchester United and Chelsea. Early in the match, I offered Mark a bottle of Jameson's if the word 'onion' was uttered at any time during the telecast, after Mark made mention of Bill Raftery. And during extra time, the brilliant Smyth broke off an 'onion bag', clear as day. Cracking good match despite the fact that ManU won on penalties, and an excellent waste of a few workday hours. And someday Mark may even see that bottle.

Earl Boykins and Dustin Pedroia stand tall. The 5'5" Boykins became the Italian league's highest-paid cager, while the 5'9" (give or take 3 inches) Pedroia went one better, capturing the American League Most Valuable Player award.


Alabama becomes Gatorbait. In a terrific game that may have exceeded the hype, Florida defeated Alabama, 31-20, in the SEC Championship game. In an awe-inspiring feat of prognostication that will never, ever exceed the hype that we'll give it for the next several decades, Mark and I both predicted that exact result.

David Tyree channels Lester Hayes. In a most unexpected Super Bowl, the Giants' Tyree made one of the more improbable big-game catches of all-time, pinning the ball to his helmet while Rodney Harrison clawed desperately at him. (Seriously, look at that picture. How in hell did Tyree hold that ball without a Hayesian amount of stickum?) Lost somewhat in the excitement of the catch is Eli Manning's desperate scramble to avoid a sack on the play that ultimately defined the Giants' comeback.


Hashem Thabeet did this.



Peter King finally comes to his senses.
And Art Monk finally gets into the Hall of Fame.

Stephen Curry gets his mom some much-deserved airtime. Dell, you funky homosapien. First Steph goes all Teen Wolf on Georgetown and Wisconsin, then little brother Seth starts killing fools for Liberty. All the while, you roll into arenas all around America with Mrs. Curry on your arm and a whole nation of Hokies praying you have a third son.


David Schneider wreaks vengeance. Yes, William & Mary basketball gets a disproportionate amount of coverage here. Yes, we've already covered Tribe sports at least twice in the 12 days. Yes, it's a little bit pathetic. But Schneider's jumper at the buzzer to beat Georgia State in the first round of the CAA Tournament was the best sports moment I saw live this year, and it kicked off a thoroughly improbable and dizzying 4 days of dreaming the impossible dream. And it is our blog, and you will listen to every word we say.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 9th Day


On the ninth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Nine Head-lines We Want (in 2009)

Listed below are some headlines that we, the weary masses of sports fans, hope to receive in 2009. May the gods of karma shine their light upon us.

1) Favre, Clemens* Reveal Relationship, Move to Brokeback Mountain (with Brett’s Wranglers in tow).
These two people need to go away. Nobody wants to hear about their steroids, their love of the game, their spouses, their hometowns, their strong arms or their Hall of Fame careers and/or their love of substances. Please leave now. Thank you. Remember guys - it can be like this. Always.
*Roger, not Kellen

2) Bud Selig Chokes on a Brat, Has Near-Death Experience, Relinquishes Position as Commissioner of Major League Baseball
Mr. Selig has done very little of substance to steer the league out of its strike-related doldrums. A drug-filled power surge and a combined six world titles from the league’s most storied franchises (New York and Boston) did more to bring attention back to the sport than anything Mr. Selig did. He will be known as the clueless parent who ignored the kids’ needle and pill habits, a man who decided an All-Star game tie was fair, whose qualification for the position consisted of guiding the Brewers to a generation of mediocrity. You are the anti-Gheorghe, Mr. Selig. And don’t you ever kid yourself otherwise. Ever.

3) Undefeated Team from non-BCS Conference to Play for National Title
One of the more overlooked aspects of the current NCAA football set-up is that a non-BCS conference team has ZERO chance of winning a national championship. In 2008, there were 119 Division I-A teams, 65 of whom played in a BCS conference. That means there were 54 teams with no chance of winning the title in their sport. Boise State and Utah ran the table this year, with wins over legitimate programs such as Michigan, Oregon State, BYU, TCU, Oregon, Hawaii and Fresno State. Yet they won’t play for a title. It makes no sense to have a landscape where 45% of the competition doesn’t have a chance, especially since every one of the 1,424,789 Division I basketball programs has at least a snowball’s chance at a title.
(Editor’s Note: We refuse to use the new bogus FCS initials the NCAA is foisting upon us and, in fact, denounce foisting in all forms not related to drinking, peer pressure and hitting on women).

4) Jerry Jones Goes Bankrupt, Forced to Halt New Stadium Construction (and Botox Treatments), Puts Cowboys Up for Sale.
I know very little about the current state of his finances. But I do know he’s a pompous oilman who is in the midst of building an exorbitantly expensive stadium. He’s heavily exposed to a commodity whose price has fallen 75% from its peak earlier this year, and he’s heavily indebted at a time when nobody is interested in lending unless it carries usurious terms. Lenders have started playing hard-ball with him amidst his next round of plastic surgeries, leaving him and his face hanging in limbo, as seen in the photo to the right.

5) William & Mary Football Ramps up Aggressive Recruiting Techniques to Stay Competitive in Colonial Athletic Association
The Tribe has always put a competitive squad on the field, thanks to coach Laycock’s prolific offensive schemes, but the defense has rarely looked staunch by any means. The brain-trust on the Hampton Roads peninsula needs to start picking off some of the home-grown talent that’s retreating to the land of the Dukes and the Spiders. If it means dropping admission standards a bit to get a cornerback, so be it.

6) Liu Chunhong, Chinese Olympic Weightlifting Hero and Gold Medalist, Denies Rumors of External Genitalia
We all know the story of Ms. Chunhong’s Olympic record-breaking feats (previewed here and recapped here), but little has been said of the person behind the singlet. More specifically, the gender of the person behind the singlet. Let’s hope the rumblings in Beijing are nothing but malicious rumors propagated to bring down a legend.


7) Mark Cuban Buys the Chicago Cubs.
Old money hates the guy because he’s a tool, but he’s a likeable tool, the kind of guy we could relate to if we rolled with billionaires. Cuban would be a major upgrade from current owner (and current d-bag) Sam Zell. This marquee franchise needs a reason to feel good about itself these days.

8) Mitch Gaylord, Janet Jones-Gretzky to Produce American Anthem II, starring Shawn Johnson and the Hamm Brothers.
Self explanatory. And awesome. And inevitable.

9) Gheorghe Muresan Signed to 10-Day Contract by New Jersey Nets.
Yi Jianlian needs a big man to educate him on the cultural morays of America so he can continue adapting to Western culture. It would be Gheorghe’s second stint with the team, so you wouldn’t even bother telling him to stop calling Devin Harris Lucious. But seriously, what better chick magnet and wing man can Yi have than Gheorghe? Yi turned 21 on October 21st, so 2009 will be the first year when he can party it up legally in all of the two fine establishments in the Rutherford area. These two men should live together and ESPN should have a reality series about their daily goings-on, with Gheorghe leading the charge in their active days and slut-filled nights.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Dunk of the Day

According to rob and Rhymo, this Josh Smith dunk is worth viewing, though the Zapruder-esque quality of the clip makes it difficult to see the first time around. The replay does it justice.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 8th Day

On the eighth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Eight maids-a-milking?
Seven clips you-tubing
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Three Richmond wins
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

We know, we know. By day eight you’ve come to expect more clever parody, but on this day of Gheorghe-mas, we’re keeping it organic. As we approach the extended eve of the birth of your…pause…favorite beat writer’s 2nd child, and second round of breast feeding classes, we thought it made sense to provide a quick public service announcement. Don't worry, it is what you’re thinking - lactation appreciation to stir into that Egg Nog and sip over the holidays. With a little whimsy sprinkled on top like ground cinnamon. Mmm, delicious!

G: TB: Fun Facts: Part 1: We like our women disease-free, busty, and cheap.

1. Breast milk is proven to reduce the risk of diseases and illnesses in both children AND mothers – most notably SIDS in infants and breast, cervical and ovarian cancer in mothers.
**Breast fed babies have a proven reduction in the onset of allergies, diabetes, and obesity later in adolescence.
**Humans are the only species that will rely on another animal’s milk for survival. Why? Well, there are a number of reasons that get fairly philosophical which we’ll avoid in this space. But, it is a fact that human babies are and will never be allergic to human milk. So, what’s the problem here?

2. Any boob guys out there? New mothers will see their bust size increase easily on average from 2-4 cup sizes when breast feeding. And let’s take it a step further - women actually burn calories by breast feeding. So, not only will your baby mama be more voluptuous, but she’ll stay trim around the edges without even releasing a latch (Note: for follow-up reading on achieving an optimal latch, please contact this gentleman for materials and diagrams).

3. Good formula is really expensive at best and deadly at worst. Not to mention getting extremely risky in the production stages – both fiscally and legally. There have been over 30 formula recalls in this country alone in the past 20 years – luckily with minimal mortal impact. China hasn’t been so lucky. They’re currently in a formula fiasco that has left hundreds of infants critically ill and dozens dead – with 20 people behind bars for knowingly skimping on production efforts to keep costs down. The Chinese black market is now swimming in breast milk.

Now that you’re armed, let’s get dangerous in 2009.

With the economy likely to struggle well into next year, let’s consider some job opportunities in the lactation industry:

1. Wet Nurse – dual income households and adoption are on the rise, convenience and biology provide the demand. Hell, you can buy breast milk on Craig’s list. If we put our minds to it, we could make the U.S. the Saudi Arabia of the mother’s milk market. I know about a billion Chinese women that are reading with interest…

2. Wet “Nurse” – a known fetish in the escort world, and it sure came in handy for Clive Owen in the little-known pulp doozy, “Shoot Em Up”. Although, I have a feeling most of these professional types don’t look much like Monica Bellucci does in that film.

3. Lactation Consultant - like a therapist, but with even less medical education and experience.

4. Sports Medicine – in the fallout of the steroids era, sports trainers, dietitians and chemists have been looking for an all-natural substitute to give professional athletes that edge they clearly need. It’s been discovered that breast milk, when broken down to its essential elements with specific proteins and vitamins isolated then remixed, will give similar effects to that of any anabolic steroid.

Merry Gheorghe-mas to all!!

So That's What Jodeci Has Been Up To

This may be a pathetic ploy to insert some new labels into the bowels of G:TB, but it's hilarious nonetheless. I thought that Jodeci was finished after K-Ci and Jo-Jo took off and became famous as a duo, but I guess they are still available for weddings...

Antonio Pierce's wife and Mets sportscaster Jocelyn Maldonado was having none of it when a Post reporter showed up at her house for a comment about her husband's alleged hijinks. See, before Pierce and Plaxico Burress went to a nightclub (where Burress shot himself), they went to Head Quarters strip club where Pierce was taped canoodling with a mysterious woman. Maldonado slammed the door in the reporter's face after saying, "That's not even him." Still, the Post claims it was—and that the woman later drove Pierce and Burress to the hospital on the fateful night. The strip club video is also given more romance novel treatment in today's Post, which recounts the play-by-play of how the Giants lineman "leans in to kiss her while briefly stroking her buttocks." We wonder if he tried that move on Maldonado at their Maui wedding in May while '90s R&B group Jodeci played their hit "All My Life" as the couple's first dance.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 7th Day

If we didn't get a seventh day up soon, I feared Gheorghe-mas might be headed the way of Chrismukkah (look how confused Whit is in the corner). So in attempting to save Gheorghe-mas I asked the editorial staff what they'd like to see from my go-to source of content/filler...

On the seventh day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Seven clips you-tubing
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Three Richmond wins
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Mark might have been granted two clips, but he had to get all mouthy:
"I'd prefer both but I know you are a busy and important man who's flooded with literally tens of requests for content per month."


I was sent two excellent commercial choices (well, actually three, but we'll get to that in a moment). This one just beat out the Avis "I stack cheese" ad.


Whit was really excited about this one, something about we should have more sports on this blog. I don't know, I wasn't really listening.


Dennis went fresh and topical.


Rhymo-O really brought it with this, well, I don't know what this is actually.


And on this seventh and glorious day of Gheorghe-mas, how else could we finish?

Whoa

Presented without comment

Monday, December 15, 2008

Apologia

Gheorghe: The Blog offers our sincere and humble regrets for the dearth of remotely interesting content over the past, well, five years or so, really. But especially of late. There's no particularly compelling excuse, other than the fact that we're fairly lazy and unusually busy. Mostly the former, though.

The 12 Days of Gheorghe-mas will almost certainly continue soon, and we may even make it all the way to 12. In the interim, we commend to you Wheelhouse Geoff's agonized Redskins take, even as we wish it were more agonized. That team's not worth the words wasted on it.

Also, this paddleball game:


Sunday, December 14, 2008

pick some games jerks

the minimalist version...


yeah, you heard me

okay, assmunch, we like the steelers on the road getting points (2.5) in baltimore.

Lions @ Indianapolis (-16.5)

I'm picking this game only because all of my G:TB colleagues told me not to. That and Dan Orlosky is starting at QB again against a Colts D that's tasted chicken blood again.... Danny will also be on a short leash apparently due to his inability to hit open receivers in practice against no defense. Oh, and the Lions are also not going to play Daunte again this year (for fear that he might throw 2 more TD's at which point a $1 Million dollar bonus kicks in), so it'll be Drew Stanton if things get really ugly. From there it becomes Randy Johnson at 6 AM after a night with his pal Johnny Walker...Colts by three TD's: 28-7.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-3)

The Bucs have managed to go from a potential division clinching game on Monday night (since two wins over Carolina would've effectively given them a 2 game lead in the NFC South) to a possible playoff elimination death match in 6 days. This is quite an accomplishment, even for a franchise with such a storied history of losing and underachievement. Did anybody else read Peter King's story on Derrick Brooks in SI a couple weeks back? For that matter, does anybody even subscribe to SI anymore? ( I had since 4th grade and cancelled it this year. Now I just steal it from my gym. Its a week old at this point, but its not anything in there is groundbreaking news these days anymore. Not with the talking picture boxes and the email machines).

Yeah, I know, Peter King is an idiot and a bit of a nancy boy for my tastes too but, when given the right topic/subject (colonoscopies anyone?), he can be a hell of a reporter. King did a great job of profiling Brooks' weekly routine and mental preparation in order to help explain why he's remained one of the NFL's most consistent and a prolific linebackers despite being older than a number of assistant coaches in the league. It's my guess that Brook's mental preparation, as well as that of his defensive teammates, will help the Bucs' defense rebound after being embarrassed by Carolina last week and lift Tampa to a crucial division win that keeps the Bucs in the thick of the playoff hunt. Atlanta's been a surprise this year and Matt Ryan's far exceeded expectations for most of this year, but he's due for a down game and Monte Kiffin, Brooks and Co. feast on young, inexperienced signal callers. Even with Jeff Garcia possibly out (torn rectum) and the looming possibility of a drunken Brian Griese lobbing balls to the Atlanta defense, I'll take Tampa and the points in the Georgia Dome on Sunday.

and because we have to, we'll take the giants +3 and the eagles -14. suck it, trebek.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Eazy-E loves JMU girls?

Last night was a pretty active night in the comments section of G:TB. Especially for a Friday night (Conclusion: We're old and rapidly approaching boring). I arrived home from an extended happy hour and checked in to find a number of people at home, logged on to G:TB, watching collegiate sports and debating the merits of the women of James Madison University.

Besides figuring out that the various members of this internet establishment, and a wheelhoser or two, really need to get out more. We also determined that, while the ladies of JMU may not be as smart, rich or successful as their counterparts in Williamsburg, they are, in fact, substantially hotter. So ladies of JMU, I'm sending this out to you...

Friday, December 12, 2008

TGIFiller

rob insisted we post something this morning. So this is something. Last night, as I was headed from my work holiday party to my wife's work holiday party, I had the lovely experience of being drenched by not only the shitty freezing rain hitting our area, but by the ole "car drives through puddle" move. It was every bit as shitty as you might imagine. Looked kinda like this:

I feel super this morning. No semblance of walking pneumonia at all.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What you gonna do when Darko runs wild on you?

I hate to interrupt the Gheorghe-mas festivities going on (not true), but I absolutely could not let another day pass without posting this clip of Darko Milicic and his 24 inch pythons (give or take 12-15 inches) ripping his jersey to shreds in frustration over a foul call two nights ago.



That's right brotha, Darko's a real American!

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 6th Day

On this most mundane of hump days, allow the splendor of G:TB to get you through your work day:

On the sixth day of Gheorghe-mas

Big Gheorghe gave to me
Six gifts worth giving
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Four awful words
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Gifts are generally considered fun. Some folks, like us at G:TB, are more into the "getting" of gifts than the "giving" of them, but the whole process is usually kinda fun, especially when the gift-giving is done to the special lady in your life. Or to your wife.

So we celebrate Day 6 with a sextet of holiday gift ideas, ranging from the cerebral to the less cerebral. With Festivus only fourteen days away, you'll want to get your shopping done before you need to prepare your list of grievances for airing.


Gift 1: Leinenkugel' s Sunse
t Wheat Beer
Quite simply, this is the most delicious beer I've come across since I first met the Yuengling brand in the late 1990's. Known as Leinie's, these Wisconsin beers are perfect on hot summer days, and they continue their trend of deliciousness this winter. Buy a 6-pack of them for someone you love. Or for your wife.

Gift 2: Music
Although the audience of G:TB still awaits reviews of a recent epic release, there is still a lot out there that is worth purchasing. In the "worth buying" category, we lump the following: The new Killers (stick to sports chats and ignore your horrendous musical tastes, Bill Simmons), any Killers you don't own (even Sawdust is worth it), the new Hold Steady, The Gaslight Anthem's "The '59 Sound" (so in the wheelhouse of the elder editors' tastes that it's almost eerie), the new Metallica and, of course, the new Slipknot.

Gift 3: Books
Continuing the trend of "things you can lazily buy people on Amazon.com", I present some of the best things I've read recently that I
recommend highly. Or sober. "The Gargoyle" by Andrew Davidson, "The Best Game Ever" by Marc Bowden, "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" by Junot Diaz, "Boys Will Be Boys" by Jeff Pearlman, "The Great Railway Bazaar" by Paul Theroux and "Under the Banner of Heaven" by Jon Krakauer. This list of books I've read is the one positive thing I can show for myself as a newly minted suburban commuter.

Gift 4: Manliness
As men's men, the editorial staff of G:TB needs very little in terms of machismo. But we seek to help out you "lesser men" out there. So allow us to introduce you to a scintillating gift: A chest hair shirt. Ideal for the follically challenged brethren in our burgeoning readership.

Gift 5: Pure Genius
When you think genius and you think comedy and you think of DVD sets, you end up pontificating upon Frank Caliendo. Now you have the opportunity to get all the Caliendo you can swallow in one fell swoop. At the man's eponymous web site, you can buy a gift box containing two DVDs, chocolate and popcorn for a low price. Actually, you may not be guaranteed to get all of the popcorn and chocolate because Frank is packing the boxes himself. But you'll at least get the crumbs. And the DVDs.

Gift 6: Nudie Films

When shopping for the family, I've always found erotica to be a fun gift option. How am I versed enough to make a recommendation, you might ask? Well, I grew up in central NJ with a high school friend who worked in a video store (Yes, it was very much like Clerks). He showed me every disturbing movie offered for rent in this store. Among the deviant material proffered was a serious of films featuring a large, ebony woman named Bad Mama Jama (NSFW link). The films were tame, disturbing and funny at the same time, like most of the women roaming the campus of William & Mary. But the passion, the heartache, the thespian efforts (and the lesbian efforts) were noteworthy. Go indulge yourself today. Just not after you recently ate.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 5th Day

After a weekend off to celebrate the glory of the BCS, wallow in our annual holiday procrastination tradition, trim a tree or two, and bask in some prognosticating genius, G:TB returns to the Twelve Days and to our self-mocking template:

On the fifth day of Gheorghe-mas

Big Gheorghe gave to me
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Four awful words
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Right on cue in support of G:TB12DOG, 5'6", 142-pound Manny Pacquiao hammered the taller and heavier Oscar De La Hoya Saturday night, closing the book on the Golden Boy's career, and striking more than a metaphorical blow for the little guy. Coming just weeks after Dustin Pedroia was named the American League MVP, I'm here to tell you that the Pacquiao victory portends a seismic shift in height relations. No longer will the average-heighted walk blithely through this world. We're coming for the tall next.

And Randy Newman'll never see it coming. Mostly because h
e'll be looking over our heads. A bunch of guys in the picture below better watch out, too.

Monday, December 08, 2008

RESTECP



Respect is one of the most ubiquitous themes in modern day sports. No matter where you go, you here athletes and media members talking about respect in one way or another. Everybody wants respect, even those that already have it. For an example of this, look no further than last Saturday's SEC Championship game. Even though Florida was favored by 10 entering the game, the postgame articles were littered with quotes from Gator players talking about how nobody thought they were tough enough or how they had been motivated by people questioning their toughness in comparison to Alabama. You see, thats the thing about respect, you can use it as a means of motivation no matter who you are. You just have to be creative. Michael Jordan was legendary for this, finding slights in innocuous comments that other athletes would brush off and then using those comments to motivate him to destroy his opponents. Nobody used respect better for his own personal agenda than Jordan and nobody displayed how great a fuel the need to be respected could be than he did.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, however, need not be creative in their search for a lack of respect. It's everywhere they turn. The Bucs are easily the least respected good team in the NFL (just look at the difference in the way the Panthers, also 9-3, are regarded about by the media). In fact, I'd make the case that you can't find another 9-3 team in the last 5 years of the NFL that is/was as lightly regarded as the Buccaneers are. And you know what, I don't think this lack of respect is an egregious oversight on anyone's part. I watch the Bucs play every week and even I'm surprised they are 9-3. So, it shouldn't be very surprising that the Panthers are favored by 3.5 points going into tonight's game in Charlotte.

The Panthers are at home, in front of what promises to be a raucous crowd, and the team, as a whole, has been rolling lately. Their rushing attack has been rejuvenated and they've returned to the style of play that took them to a Super Bowl a few years back. The Bucs on the other hand have gone down 18 and 17 points in the first quarter on the road to Kansas City and Detroit, respectively, this season. Of course, they rallied to win both of those games but the Panthers are not the Chiefs or Lions and a deficit like that would surely doom any chances that the Bucs have of winning this game and taking control of the NFC South. Thats why this game is about more than just the division lead. I'm sure the Bucs want respect on a national level. I'm sure they think they've earned the right to that respect. But I'm also sure they won't truly get the kind of respect that they crave if they can't go into their biggest rival's stadium on Monday night and walk out with a victory. It doesn't have to be pretty (and most likely, it won't be) but they have to find a way to win if they're going to get respect. That's another thing about respect, sometimes you just have to take it.

And, as much as I'd like to take Tampa here. Panthers (-3.5)

The Latest and Greatest Ghoogles

While we wait for Mark to pick against his Bucs tonight (and rob to craft yet another timeless "12 Days of Gheorghe-mas" post), I thought I'd share with you a smattering of searches that brought the world to G:TB. As always, some of these make me wonder about the state of humanity:
  • weird things in florida
  • christmas eve in washington
  • ashlyn gere news
  • christmas eve in washington
  • mustache that curls up
  • its christmas time in washington song
  • back like cooked crack shirt
  • myspace pic of Lawrence marsh university of florida
  • bo jackson bare handed catch
  • Ups whiteboard guy twin
  • steve sax divorce
  • mc-late
  • ban longhair
  • Dan Dakich
  • Latham Circle Mall
  • the most wonderful time of the year score
  • bobby moynihan bartender
  • pryzbilla nickname
  • kobe black dick
  • we're gonna have a bachelor party with chicks
  • young female gymast
  • huggy lowdown bama of the week
  • what is stan yagiello doing now
  • carlton banks shirtless
  • John Sebastian welcome back kotter mp3
  • Todd Bouman
  • adam & the ants - blogspot
  • i've been through the desert on a horse lyrics
  • i´ve been through the dessert on a horse
  • christmas eve in washington
  • Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye
  • mike monkees white out
  • oj simpson we have the identity of the real killer
Hey Maura Sullivan, just a thought, but you might want to invest in some search engine optimization software.

Monday will knock you the fuck out...

Well, unless your jaw is strong like Frank Beamer's.



And, my guess is that it isn't. First off, your jaw isn't made of space age plastics like Beamer's. Second, and perhaps even more importantly, this is a man who made his name and built a football program by teaching the finer arts of special teams. What have you ever taught anybody anything? I mean, besides how to take the fast lane straight to shame and years of self-loathing.



I hope you're happy with yourself. Annnywho, its the 5th day of Gheorghe-mas, so somebody will be along later today with some yuletide related tomfoolery to help get you through one of the last Mondays of the year, and I'll be making a pick for tonight's NFC South showdown in Charlotte before the day is through as well. So, you see, if you play your cards right you might be able to get through the whole day without doing anything productive and/or work related. Keep your fingers crossed and we'll see if we can't just make this happen.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Don't Believe the Hype

Depending on when we actually get around to posting this, we're less than two days away from the 2008 SEC Championship, which pits the nation's top two squads in a National Championship elimination game. Sort of a "playoff", if you will.

Mark's a Florida grad and a keen observer of Gator football. I spent a number of my formative years in Huntsville, AL and remain a Crimson Tide fan. I haven't been this nervous about a 'Bama game in years, and I hear from Mark that he's having a hard time sitting still for tattoos due to his own anxiety. The editors at G:TB caught up with both of us this week for our pregame "insights":

1. What scares you the most about Saturday’s game?

Rob: Speed, speed, speed and skill. Not a description of a Keanu Reeves trilogy and the thing that it lacks, but a nod to the fearsome jets on Percy Harvin, Jeff Demps, and Chris Rainey, and the way Urban Meyer deploys them. There’s nobody in college football more fun to watch than Harvin, with the possible exception of Brandon James, though I suspect it’ll be a lot less fun to watch them when they’re blazing around the field against my team. Betting guru Brandon Lang claimed this morning that Alabama can match Florida’s speed. And while he gets paid to watch football for a living and has seen a lot more games than I have this year, let’s just say I’m unconvinced.

Mark: If you know me, you know I stress out about an inordinate amount of things before a big Gator game. Is Percy Harvin’s ankle injury manageable? Will Florida’s current rash of injuries along the defensive line leave the Florida defense susceptible to the run? Do I have enough boom (ht: Greg) to get me through the game? All of these things, as well as plenty of others, will be running through my head over the next 24+ hours. However, the thing that scares me most about this game is how Nick Saban’s schemes and defensive gameplan will affect Tim Tebow. Though he’s had a remarkably efficient year, Tebow still has a long way to go as a QB when it comes to reading defenses and going through his progressions. He can be confused by well disguised coverages and defenses that change looks late in the play clock. At least once a game, Tebow will throw a pass that should be an easy interception. He did this early in the LSU game but the safety misjudged it and it went for a Harvin TD. He did it again early in the Georgia game and it was picked off in the red zone, only to be nullified by an “illegal hands to the face” penalty on the Bulldogs. Nobody in the SEC, possibly the country, is a better designer of defenses than Saban and nobody teaches their secondary to read routes better Saban does. Tebow’s going to make a questionable throw or two early in this game.

What scares me most is the prospect of one (or more) of these throws landing in the arms of an Alabama defender. Turnovers will allow the Alabama offense to play on a shorter field and that’s never a good thing. Florida has to prevent turnovers, thereby forcing Alabama’s somewhat limited offense to consistently have to drive the length of the field in order to score.

2. What single player would you drug like Gus the Kicking Mule in order to keep him from making it to kickoff?

Rob: No brainer. Tim Tebow. While I’m sure Florida has a backup quarterback, I’m equally sure his talents pale in comparison to the Heisman winner’s. I mean, there’s no chance their backup can circumcise orphans with one hand while curing AIDS and legalizing marijuana with the other, all the while having Mark surgically attached to his jockstrap. I suspect he also can’t run through a brick wall unscathed and throw the ball a country mile, either. Watch yourself, Tebow – as Whitney knows, rohyphnol has multiple uses.

Mark: There are a number of candidates for this honor. One could go with super frosh Julio Jones, as he’s the Tide’s one true difference maker in the passing game. Or John Parker Wilson since the Tide has no other signal caller with experience. Or even Andre Smith, as he’s probably the nation’s best O-lineman and the key to Alabama’s powerful and relentless rushing attack. All are fine candidates. However, none have the potential to be the difference maker in this game in the manner that Terrence Cody does. Have you seen this guy? He’s impossibly big (375 pounds), he’s extremely agile, and he plays with a mean streak. Perhaps even more importantly, his size and ability allow Saban to play the 3-4, which is his preferred defensive alignment.

Florida’s got to find a way to keep Cody from consistently disrupting things on the interior of the line if they want to continue to successfully run the ball the way they have over the last 6 weeks. If you want to watch a great matchup tomorrow, direct your attention to the middle of the Alabama defense, where one, or both, of Florida’s Pouncey twins will be smashing heads with Mr. Cody on a play-by play basis. (One note: Rashad Johnson is a beast at safety and if Saban can confuse Tebow, then Johnson's the likely recipient of any of the Heisman winner's errant passes...still though Cody gets the drugs...lots and lots of them.)


3. What do you hate the most about the other team?

Rob: I hate that it’s so much harder to hate Florida than it used to be. Back in the Spurrier days, I used to work up a righteous, seething anger when the Gators would ass-stomp some poor squad and enjoy doing it. But I liked Urban Meyer at Utah because his offense was fun – even if he does seem a bit of a prick (and even then, Nick Saban coaches my team, so it’d be a bit hypocritical for me to cast aspersions on Meyer). And it’s impossible to hate Tebow – even if he may actually be an alien.

All that notwithstanding, I feel pretty good about the likelihood of a visceral hatred boiling over as soon as I see those hideous metallic blue and orange costumes take the field in Atlanta. I also hate that Mark's answer to this question will contain more colorful uses of the word 'fuck'.

Mark: Besides Rob? Wow, this is tough. It would be easy to say the Alabama fans here. Everybody knows that they are, collectively, a bunch of arrogant, racist, self-entitled assholes who can’t accept the fact that college football can, and in fact has, existed without them (I’ve always been partial to Auburn fans). Think Notre Dame fans without the education, wealth or years of crippling Catholic guilt. Believe me, it’s a bad combination. With that said, its not the Alabama fans that I hate most but the manner of losses that the Tide has dealt Florida over the years. There’s the “Shaun Alexander game” in 1999 when the aforementioned Alexander whipped his dick out in the Swamp and carried a Tide team led by Andrew Zow to an improbable OT victory over a highly ranked Gators squad (which was being led by Doug Johnson…excuse me, I just threw up a little). Later that same year, the Tide completely took apart the Gators in a rematch at the 1999 SEC Championship game, erasing any thought that their win in Gainesville had been a fluke and dashing any hope of an SEC title for Florida.

The worst loss though, took place in Tuscaloosa in 2005. From the very start, Bama absolutely embarrassed Florida. The Tide were bigger, faster and just plain tougher than the Gators in this one and Mike Shula had no problem continually proving this as the game wore one, even calling for a deep throw to the end zone in the 4th quarter with the Tide up 31-3 (Tyrone Prothro, R.I.P.). It was, to put it simply, miserable. I’ve never been so disappointed in an Urban Meyer led Gator team in my life. I’ll never forget that game, that embarrassment and I sure hope Meyer hasn’t forgotten about it either.

(Rob: What, no 'fucks'? That's...surprising.)

4. What’s your prediction?

Rob: For weeks leading up to the game, I dreaded the spectre of a high-flying Florida team demolishing Alabama – the Gators are clicking on all cylinders offensively, and quietly playing excellent defense to boot. As the game draws closer, though, I’m starting to put stock in the quality of Alabama’s offensive and defensive lines, in the idea that John Parker Wilson – as average as he may be – doesn’t make a lot of mistakes (a lot like an unheralded quarterback who led an Alabama team to an unexpected national title in 1992), in Glen Coffee’s talent, and most importantly, in Nick Saban’s ability to scheme defensively.

All that, though, and there’s still a little part of me saying, “Put down the pipe, Mersh. Clinton is right here.” The Tide keeps it close, but can’t keep the Gators down for four quarters. Florida prevails, 31-20. And Mark gets a tattoo of the Pouncey twins on his junk.

Mark: I hate predicting Florida games. I don’t want to jinx anything and, honestly, I’d prefer to talk about the game and leave it at that. That way, I can still sound smart without ruining it all by predicting a result and being comically off the mark. However, Rob’s not letting me off the hook here, so here it is:

Alabama’s defense is going to give the Gators some problems early and force Florida to play the field position game for much of the first half. I think Florida actually goes into halftime down to Bama, something like 13-10. In the second half, Florida’s speed and depth will begin to wear the Tide down and allow for some big plays down the field in the passing game. Florida’s offense gets on track from there and the Gators get a big play out of their special teams as they pull away late and win. Final score: Gators 31- Alabama 20.

Day 4: A Little Holiday Hate

We've been peppering you with (hopefully) fun photos and tales of (almost) excellence, but I need to break up the Gheorghe-mas funfest with my annual warning re. the worst holiday song ever crafted. And based on what I expect of rob and Mark's SEC Championship Game preview, this is going to be one anger-filled day at G:TB. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

On the first day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
A fat guy in a jer-sey

On the second day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

On the third day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey


On the fourth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Four awful words
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey


When I populated this post yesterday as a draft, this was what I left as the placeholder:
"words of hate"

The four awful words referenced above:
Christmas (Fucking)
Eve (Shoot)
In (Me)
Washington (Now)

I think you get how I feel about Maura Sullivan's "Christmas Eve in Washington". It's not so much that her song sucks donkey balls (it does), it's not even that it's sickly sweet and lyrically piss poor (it's that as well), I think the real kick in the mistletoe is that the local xmas radio station chooses to play this song at least once an hour beginning in mid-October (once they shelve the Backstreet Boys and Michael Bolton tunes) despite it's historic awfulness. I get it, we live in (or around) Washington, DC...this woman crafted a holiday song JUST FOR US. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO AWESOME WE HAVE TO PLAY THIS NOW. AND NOW. AND AGAIN.

You know, I thought last year's diatribe covered most of my hate, but then I discovered this song now has its own webpage (which I will most certainly not be linking to) and I got "Bob Knight Choking Neil Reed" mad again. Maura Sullivan, thanks for ruining another Gheorghe-mas. I hope you're happy.

At least O.J. getting thrown in pound-you-in-the-ass prison for 30 years later today will make me a tad happier.