We Got Next

Word on the street is that newly elected President Barack Obama plans to replace the fabled (if somewhat anachronistic) White House bowling alley with a basketball court, in keeping with longstanding Presidential prerogative.

Until now, my pickup hoops dream has been to get invited to Cal Ripken's house to play at his legendary gym, complete with full scoreboard and NBA team uniforms. I'm reconsidering now, though - it'd be more than a little cool to take POTUS off the dribble.

Thoughts, boys and girls? What's your fantasy run?

Sorry Folks

Teejay's winging his way down the coast this morning, headed for Orlando and a few days of wearing socks with sandals and trying hard not to kill his coworkers. He left me in charge, but requested we begin the day with this:


Who am I to refuse our Doofus Overlord a little good cheer?

Barack the President

Near the confluence of the three mighty rivers, a confluence of a different sort, as new President-elect Barack Obama and William and Mary’s own Mike Tomlin share a moment last week. If Obama’s half as successful in Washington over the next few years as Tomlin’s Steelers were on Monday night, we’ll all be smiling.

For my (meager, at least apparently compared to the GTB commentariat) money, the best line of Obama's victory speech last night, "And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too."

You didn't come here for politics, so the customary silliness, poop jokes, and YouTubes will resume in short order.

Photo courtesy of the D.C. Sports Bog via Friend of G:TB Shlara.

"Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye"

When a bit's this good, why let it go? Come join in the fun and games as cnn.com's new political wunderkinds (that would be us) break down all the races you wish you were watching instead of Musgrove/Wicker for one of Mississippi's Senate seats. As a wise man replied all this morning, "Inanity is our forte, so I don't see why we wouldn't proceed"...

Urban Meyer vs. Mark Richt
Weekend polling swung heavily toward Meyer as this battle of smarmy, Teutonic ballcoaches neared the finish line. Pundits wonder whether Meyer’s gratuitous use of timeouts will hurt him as the voters take pen in hand to make their final decisions. The winner of this runoff likely faces the uber-slime of Alabama’s Nick Saban to see who represents the South in the Big Election in January.

Chris Berman vs. Scott Van Pelt
In this corner, a caricature of a caricature of a once-relevant icon. In this corner, a neurotic, goofy, humbly affable sportscaster. Let’s get ready to rummmbllllllle.

The Escape Club's "Wild, Wild West" vs. Neneh Cherry's "Buffalo Stance"
The Escape Club hit #1 with "Wild, Wild West" in 1988, and gave the world one of the most overquoted lyrics ever, or at least until January 1, 1990 hit. Neneh Cherry also hit #1 in 1988 (I think, I'm too lazy to scour Billboard.com) with "Buffalo Stance" and was roundly criticized for performing the song 8 months pregnant on some British Seacrest-type show. I'm going Cherry by absentee ballot W...mainly because I forgot how awful the Escape Club video was.

Spencer Hawes vs. Etan Thomas
Been a rough couple weeks for young Hawes, one of the NBA’s most outspoken Republicans, as his Sactown Kings opened the season 0-4 and his home state of Washington has been bathing in a deep indigo hue. Free versing Thomas, on the other hand, stepped back on the court after spending 2008 recovering from heart surgery and logged serious hours working for the progressive side of the political aisle. While both of these gentlemen will wake up tomorrow playing for miserable basketball teams, at least one of them will be happy about the electoral college.

Stephon Marbury vs. Sanity
This race has surprisingly tightened up in the last week as Mr. Marbury has managed to avoid saying/doing the typical insane things a Starbury is prone to do. Despite falling behind early by unveiling a tattoo of a logo on his head, he has climbed back into the race, despite accumulating a pair of DNPs and not even dressing for his team's third game. Pundits suspect Marbury will emerge victorious, forcing Knicks management to trade or cut him. At that point, look for Mark Cuban or Phil Jackson to swoop in, sign the man and allow all parties to wallow in the Marbury's resurgent lunacy.

NY Times Crossword Puzzles vs. Video Billiards
Otherwise known as the battle between the two things Rhymo enjoys doing most while squeezing out a deuce, this race has ebbed and flowed in recent months. The Times has suffered from lack of consistent visibility next to the sofas in his company's reception area. Without being present, it is hard for Rhymo to pilfer it for his mid-morning squat while chatting with the receptionists. Billiards has been making inroads, but the poor shot selections of the computer foe takes some of the fun away from winning. It's like winning at pool against a mentally challenged person. Or Isiah Thomas. Look for the stalwart Times to win out in this battle of porcelain perched time wasters.

Lemmy vs. James Hetfield
Pollsters are somewhat surprised by the tightness of this race (and of Lemmy's pants). While Hetfield has far more name recognition and a much larger fortune, Lemmy's prodigious success with the ladies and equally remarkable facial hair has made this a much closer contest than late polling may have suggested.

The Happening vs. The Movement of Man
From the establishing shot of the chili cheese dog moving inward as seen from Man's (the protagonist so named to reflect the ironic apathy towards the film's subject - as if everyone in the world might someday experience this!) mouth to the final sequence of the excrement moving outward as seen from Man's colon; the technical symmetry of this masterpiece is paralleled only by the director's passion in squeezing every ounce from his actors. My ballot is cast.

TJ's love of YouTube clips vs. Something that would require actual thought and effort
It's a Reagan/Mondale-esque landslide victory for, well, I'm sure you know...



Races the G:TB staff may be covering throughout the day:
Starbucks vs. Dunkin' Donuts, PC vs. Mac, Kobe vs. LeBron, John Candy vs. Chris Farley, Rocco vs. Buttman, boxers vs. briefs...

G:TB's Election Eve Coverage

According to cnn.com, this gentleman is one of the 5 percent of Americans who remain undecided about their choice in tomorrow's Presidential election. Also, this man drives with his blinker on for miles at a time, routinely finds himself trying to pay with cash in the EZPASS ONLY lane at toll plazas, takes 17 minutes to successfully place his order at the Taco Bell drive thru, and talks on his cell phone while waving to his friends when he's sitting behind home plate at televised baseball games.

Note: no candidate endorsement implied by this post. Just pointing out that this guy is a moron.

[Kinda reminds me of this guy:

Know what I mean, Vern?]

G:TB's Week 9 NFL Picks: Saaaaaaved by zeeeeero!

For some reason I feel like buying a Toyota...

Miami @ Denver (-3.5)

Courage. It elevates mere men to something greater. It’s also how Dan Rather enigmatically closed his nightly broadcasts, but that’s not really relevant to the point. The courage to stand alone as those around you clamor against your conviction is among the most vital pillars of our ruggedly individualistic society. This week, friends, I stand before you in full knowledge that the rest of my colleagues hurl brickbats against the fortress of my gambling knowledge, assailing the forthcoming selection on the grounds that Wildcats trump mountains and mediocrity knows no geographic distinction. The vigil of the courageous is a lonely one at times. Nearly as lonely as the vigil of the stubbornly stupid.

Once more into the breach, then, gentlemen, with the Broncos covering at home.

Tampa Bay (-9.5) @ Kansas City
By now I think we all realize how bad the Chiefs are. And sadly, its not just the product on the field. Just look at Carl Peterson and company's recent decision making. They chose to let an elite pass rusher who had cleaned up his life get away in free agency while also deciding to retain the services of a good, not great, tailback who has a penchant for excessive drinking, violence towards women and a complete lack of respect for authority (Which brings up the question? What the hell was going on when Larry Johnson was in Happy Valley? Was he running absolutely fucking wild whilst the coaching staff and athletic department covered it all up or did he lose his ever loving mind when he got away from Dad and Joe Pa? But I digress). The point here is that Kansas City should be glad that Detroit wasn't relegated to the Arena League or else they'd be the laughingstock of the NFL. HOWEVA, there's not a chance in hell the Bucs will score enough points on the road in one of the league's loudest venues to cover this spread. Not with Jeff Garcia hop, hop, hopping his way around the pocket and surely not with Michael Clayton dropping passes and cutting off routes. The Bucs are a good team but they depend on their opponents' offensive miscues for big offensive days of their own and Kansas City will be just average enough to cover in Arrowhead.

G:TB’s First Annual Conrad Efraim Selection:

New York Jets (+5.5) at Buffalo Bills
The name Conrad Efraim may not ring a bell to you. It should. It is the given name of Teej’s wrestling hero, S.D. “Special Delivery” Jones. Mr. Jones was a hard-working wrestler for many years in the WWF. He toiled in the nether-regions of the sport – famous enough to be cheered, skilled enough to put on a good match, yet absent the sufficient flair required to be a consistent winner. He was lumped in with the (pre-killer B’s) B. Brian Blairs, Iron Mike Sharpes and Steve Lombardis (aka the Brooklyn Brawler) of the wrestling world in the 1980’s. He staged some memorable bouts against the likes of “Dr. D” David Schultz, Adrian Adonis and Ken Patera. He always came up short despite putting on a good show for the audience. He was such a memorable performer that Counting Crows' frontman Adam Duritz wrote a song about hanging out with the guy in an effort to impress Courtney Cox. I think.

Mr. Efraim passed away yesterday in Antigua, suffering a heart attack at the age of 63. May we all stain our rugs tonight, pouring out some of our 40 ouncers in memory of our homey.

We will honor Mr. Efraim’s spirit with this week’s pick. We focus on a blue-collar team that shows promise, yet lacks the flair to reach the top. That team is the New York Jets. They show flashes, they seduce their fans, yet they ultimately can’t get the job done. I speak of their season, and I speak of their game this week. Getting 5.5 points against a Schobel-less Buffalo squad is too enticing to pass over. Yet the Jets face their own injury problems. Multiple players have suffered concussions recently. ILB David Harris got nicked up last week and will miss the game. Jerricho Cotchery and Tony Richardson are suffering from various ailments and will be less than 100%. Blocking tight end Bubba Franks will also be out. And QB Brett Favre has played like he is mentally impaired.

The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will keep it close. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will give fans a reason to think they can pull off the upset. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will ultimately lose. Jay Feeley will end up as a goat in this game, as his atrophied leg will fail to provide the “Special Delivery” needed in a close game. Take the Jets to keep it close – Buffalo 16, Jets 13.

Philly @ Seattle (+5.5) and Pittsburgh @ Washington (-1.5):
Picks - Eagles and Steelers
There's a song originally written by Phil Ochs many moons ago called "Here's To The State of Mississippi". It's a song filled with anguish of the common man as he is deceived, tormented, and misguided by those that govern him. It has mutated from its primal form over the years to fit the current times in which it resides (e.g. "Here's To The State of Richard Nixon", "Here's To The State of George W.", etc.) - all of which reflect the same sentiment of communal negativity. In the spirit of forthcoming change (and to make this bit work properly), G:TB will not only change the lyrical content of this simple, but brilliant piece; but the theme as well. The current state of Pennsylvania has become that of overwhelming jubilance and hope culminating with this past week's World Series victory for the Phillies. It has the Penn State Nittany Lions, who are poised to bring JoPa a National Title at the age of 112, after having beaten the Bucks at the Horseshoe for the first time in 30 years. Finally it has two NFL teams that are teetering on greatness...

Here's to the lads of Pennsylvania
They're laying olive branches as they open the prison door
Their bellies bounce inside them as they pick you up off the floor
No they don't like taking prisoners in their private little war
Behind their broken badges there are martyrs and more
Oh, here's to the land you've torn out the heart of
Pennsylvania, there's no other country to be part of...

Booze, Booze, Booze and, oh yeah, some football squeezed in there too...

By the time you read this, I'll be in Jacksonville and, more than likely, extremely drunk. Ask a Florida fan what their favorite thing about the last weekend of October is and they are almost certainly going to say the Florida-Georgia weekend/World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (or Fantasy Fest is they're gay like Burr). Not only is it a weekend that features more booze per square mile than any other college football weekend you've ever laid your eyes on, but its also the perfect embodiment of SEC Football in its overall display of fan passion, football tradition and flat out redneck ridiculousness. If you can't tell, I absolutely love everything about Florida-Georgia weekend. And, I'm really looking forward to this year's edition, and the University of Florida settling some unfinished business come Saturday at 3:30.

However, there is one thing about this weekend that's a bit disappointing to me. You see, this weekend was supposed to be even better, more wild and memorable than it promises to be. Two years ago, TJ, Greg, Jerry and Slater flew in to Jacksonville on the Thursday night before the game and, to borrow a phrase from the kinds, it was on. Basically, the weekend started with Slater knocking out some poor underaged Georgia fan for pushing me (Slater had known me for maybe 3 hours at this point) and ended when Greg caught the world's most disgusting nose bleed late Saturday evening. To say the weekend was memorable doesn't do it justice. By Friday evening, our crew had swelled to 10 as one of Greg's rugby buddies later flew into town which was quickly followed by the arrival of two of my friends from my time at Florida (Roberto & Socks...ask TJ). From this point on, it was completely and totally out of control...and we were all set to do it again this year. Sadly, it wasn't in the cards. Jerry's playing Jack Bauer over in Switzerland, Socks has a wedding, Slater's a pussy (his words, not mine) and TJ has to take inappropriate pictures at some state fair this weekend. Roberto will be joining us at some point Saturday morning but, for all intents and purposes, the weekend will consist of Greg, Vitas, myself and a revolving cast of characters we either know or have just met. Just three guys who've known each other since 7th grade getting drunk, acting like idiots and trying like hell to not get arrested (Believe me, its happened to more than one person I've gone up to Jacksonville with for this weekend). And you know what? It might not be the same, but I guarantee that it will be a ton of fucking fun. The fact that Halloween occurs on the night before the game will only make the weekend that much better (Can you say hot Georgia girls in slutty halloween costumes?).

As for the game, I'm not sure how it will turn out. I think Florida should win. Their defense is much improved, the offense is far more diverse, Tebow's healthy and, perhaps most importantly, the Gators have a revenge on their mind. Georgia pulled some bush league shit last year with that planned celebration after their first TD. Honestly, I don't blame them. They've made a habit of getting their asses handed to them by the Gators in Jacksonville over the past 15 years and Mark Richt needed to find a way to energize the players and fans. Mission accomplished. Unfortunately for him, he also awakened the Gator fanbase and pissed Urban Meyer off something fierce. Florida fans had begun to take Georgia for granted a bit. FSU and Tennessee were considered bigger, more important rivals over the past decade and LSU had become a more celebrated conference opponent as well. Thats certainly not the case anymore. Florida fans have a renewed sense of hatred for the Bulldogs and would like nothing more than to beat Georgia and maybe even run up the score a bit. Now, don't get me wrong, Knowshon Moreno scares the shit out of me and AJ Green is the best WR that the Bulldogs have had in many years. On top of that, Georgia's defense is extremely talented and has gotten healthy recently. With that said, I think Matthew Stafford is overrated due to his physical skills (Seriously, Gary Danielson may have an aneurysm on Saturday with all his fawning over Tebow and Stafford) and the general public doesn't quite realize how much more balanced the Gators are as team this year. If I'm right about this game, the weekend will be as memorable as the last Florida-Georgia weekend, albeit for entirely different reasons. If I'm wrong, well, at least I can take solace in a weekend full of booze, Georgia girls and Greg ending the weekend with another spectacular nosebleed...and I'll get pictures of it this time.

Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

We've got a Florida/Georgia post on the way from Mark, and some Week 9 NFL picks to satisfy our readership (I'm even jumping back on the pick train), but for now, a clip that has absolutely nothing to do with Halloween and everything to do with the comedic brilliance that was Animal House:

T.J. Helping T.J.

For some odd reason, T.J. Whosyourdaddy felt the need this week to guarantee that his 0-8 Bengals will not go winless this year:

Bengals wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh told Adam Schefter of NFL Network that his team, currently 0-8, will not finish this season 0-16. “If the season ends and we don’t win a game,” Houshmandzadeh said, “I will walk from my house to the NFL Network studios.”

In fact, in what can only be describe as sadly comical, he guaranteed the Bungles would win TWO games this year. Well, honestly, the guy might be dead wrong, but I thought we'd at least take a look at Cincy's remaining slate to see if we can find those two imaginary wins for my boy T.J...

Week 9: Jags come to town
The Jags just lost at home to Cleveland. Shaun Rogers single-handedly destroyed Jacksonville all day long. They will be one pissed off bunch this weekend. 0-9 here they come.

Week 10: Bye
Insert whatever lame bye joke you want here. Or whatever weird ass photo someone emails you.

Week 11: Eagles come to town
Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Jim Johnson will blitz the shit out of Ryan Fitzpatrick. I imagine that will lead to a 12-31, 179 yds, 2 INTs line for Mr. Harvard...and yet another loss for Houshmandzadeh's Heroes.

Week 12: At Pittsburgh
Thursday nighter vs. Steely McBeam, having played (and most likely been mauled by Philly) four days earlier. If I may steal a phrase from the gents over at Mr. Irrelevant, the countdown to epic fail continues.

Week 13: Ravens come to town
Hold the phone. Might we have something here? Home game against a division rival, most likley 0-10 at this point, playing for pride (I would hope). Perhaps Joe Flacco gives this one away. Perhaps. We might've just found Win #1.

Week 14: At Indianapolis
The Colts will be desperately trying to make the playoffs. The Bengals will be coming off their first win of the season, which sadly will make their millionaire asses complacent. Colts in a laugher.

Week 15: The Skins come to town
As much as I would enjoy saying the Bengals win this one, I simply don't see it. But if they did win, man oh man would I want to catch Czabe Monday morning...

Week 16: At Cleveland
I know what you're thinking, here it is, Win #2. Not so fast my friend. By this point Carson's brother has been installed as Cincy's QB and his game proves to be Leaf-esque. A pick 6 or two, some fumbles...in fact he almost gets Houshmandzadeh decapitated on one throw early in the game. Browns win, setting up this doozy...

Week 17: Hosting the Chieves...get the Futility Bowl t-shirts ready
Honestly, at this point, we could be watching 1-14 vs. 1-14. The Bengals should intentionally lose this game if that's the case. But they won't, and will muster enough offense to beat the hapless Chiefs, who for shits and giggles replace Herm at halftime with Ty to see if anyone notices. They don't. Jordan Palmer outduels Tyler Thigpen. Laughter and tears and vomiting follow.

So T.J., we did it man. I got you to 2-14 (though I still think you should tank and end up 1-15, but what do I know). Something to be proud of, I guess. And seriously, if Marvin Lewis doesn't get fired after this season, I demand a full investigation into what blackmail material he has on owner Mike Brown.

Reader Request

I was told at lunch yesterday that G:TB needed more wrestling interviews. Then I was sent this clip, and after that dose of Mean Gene and Macho Man I might have to agree:

Leon Powe welcomes Delonte West to the 08-09 NBA Season

In emphatic fashion:

Tuesday Afternoon Post

How's that for a creative title? You can find all kinds of nonsense on the internet (witness the picture to the right), and we here at G:TB are happy to provide internet searchers nothing but the best...our latest list of (possibly) satisfied searchers:

neil diamond wrote after killed drifter get an erection
It's a great bit. What can I say. And that is some fantastic sentence structure.

bo jackson barehanded catch
How in the world can there not be a clip of this on the web?

susan clements + moose jaw
I have no freaking clue what this is, but it sounds dirty and could easily have a definition in the urban dictionary.

dwight howard blog
No, no, sorry, you're got the wrong NBA big man. You're looking for the blog with the Magic logo and Jesus fish.

here comes the rooster sabbath
Mersh, you gotta lay off the pipe, man - that song is done by Alice in Chains.

zamfir concert 2008 ny
This one makes no sense at all. It's Pan Flute mania at G:TB.

canadian equivalent to live-aid
Well, I'll be damned, Whitneypedia finally proved useful.

follicular clampdown
Hey, if we can become the internet's #1 source for "follicular clampdown" knowledge, I'll be satisfied.

valentina gaylord family
I have no clue who that family is, but I'm willing to bet G:TB spit out some rock solid Mitch Gaylord info for this searcher. Well done Rhymo, you male gymnast-loving homo.

todd bouman
Mark, I know that's you.

who was charlie when o.j. killed nicole
Boy have you come to the right place...

melissa stark gang
Gang...what? Am I the only one who thinks that search ended a word short?

Dustin Pedroia height contrversy
rob is blushing.

Alfonso Ribeiro shirtless
God damn you Whitney.

cameltoe olimpics 2008
Spelling is overrated obviously. Just give the man (or, perhaps, woman) the damn cameltoe they so desperately want. And none of that vintage cameltoe either - it needs to be fresh 2008 'toe.

its christmas eve in washington
My hate for this song is well documented. For those that say I'm overreacting, go here...and wait for this tune. "But TJ", you say, "it's October 28th. There won't be any christmas songs on yet"....ah, Kato, my little yellow friend, you are dead wrong. Butt trifling 97.1 WASH FM started playing holiday tunes LAST WEEK. And you wonder why I want to firebomb the station?

merry christmas kiss my ass kiss his ass kiss your ass
Here's looking at you WASH FM Program Director.

"kansas city tornadoes" team
I guess someone other than Michael Jack is a fan of this team name. I'm still partial to the Blazing Saddles-themed Kansas City club, but somehow I don't think that's making it by the censors.

what does "click clack" mean
At some point we really need to recive a check from Under Armour...or at least a free tee that will cling to my man boobs.

jeff garcia noodle arm
My favortie search term of this entire post.

she has a lazy eye
Survey says...Katie Holmes.

THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA
See Mark, there is a huge demand for all that Florida-based crap I send you daily, about horrendous parenting, electoral fraud, meth day care centers, etcetera etcetera...

dan the man going to work got his tie got ambision
Best. Commerical. Ever. But who the hell spells ambition like that? And it's Glen going to work dear ghoogler, not Dan.

Follow me! Follow me to freedom!
Or is this the best commercial ever?

Come on, these guys were gay?

I find that hard to believe...

The Fall Guy

Reading about other people's college homecomings and their overlarge share of inside jokes, heroically inflated memories, and maudlin remember-whenisms is a vastly overrated thing. So I'll spare you most of the retelling of (4/7ths of) Team G:TB's trip to Williamsburg, VA.

There was, however, a singular element of the weekend that must be recounted in an effort to save the masses from repeating our mistake. In this case, that mistake is now almost 20 years old. To wit, don't make friends with swarthy black Irishmen named Gus. At least if you value your physical being.

The latest installment in an ongoing lesson in inadvisable ideas that are a lot funnier after the fact? A seemingly harmless-sounding shot of tequila, accompanied by salt and lime. Innocuous, no? We've all downed more of Jose Cuervo's elixir than we'd probably care to admit to our parents and employers, I'm sure, and to no real harm. Lick the salt, drink the shot, suck the lime. Easy, peasy.

Change the name of the shot to The Stuntman, keep the order the same but the orifices different and you've got a recipe for moronic disaster. As in, snort the salt (rock salt, not that sissy Morton's crystals stuff) into your nose, drink the shot, squeeze the lime into your eye. Commence laughing and crying until near-vomit with the 6-8 like-minded idiots in your midst. Do not repeat.

And that's...one to grow on.

Fashion is dumb: Pulp Fiction Edition

"Bring out the Gimp."

"Gimp's sleeping."

"Well, I guess you're gonna have to go wake him up now, won't you?"

G:TB's Week 8 NFL Picks

At this point you would think we weren't even trying...

Buffalo @ Miami (+1.5)

This is dumb. Really dumb. I'm about to pick a road favorite to cover against a team that drilled New England and San Diego this season. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Somebody stop me. Wait, New England and San Diego are shadows of themselves for a number of reasons in 2008? The Dolphins lost by two touchdowns to Joe Flacco at home last week? Trent Edwards leads the AFC in completion percentage, is second in passer rating, and has only thrown two picks? Ah, fuck it. I like the Bills.

Arizona @ Carolina (-4.5)

Last time the Cardinals flew East for some hot pigskin action, they were beaten by the Redskins and annihilated by the Jets in successive weeks. Western teams in the Eastern time zone this season are 0-fer. Carolina just took the Saints' lunch money. It'll take more than Anquan Boldin's Steve Austin impersonation to carry the Cards over the Panthers in Charlotte. Gimme some Carolina, and load it up with plenty of sauce.

Atlanta (+9) at Philadelphia
G:TB is drunk on Matty Ice and feels that this 4-2 Falcons squad is not getting its due against the 3-3 Eagles. Much has been said about the strength of the NFC East, but that is a classic example of pundits trying to craft a story too early in the season. Philadelphia has been up and down all year, but remain overhyped because of their one quality win against the Steelers. Atlanta has a couple decent wins this year, on the road against Green Bay and home against Chicago.

Both teams are coming off bye weeks heading into this game. Falcons fans will enjoy the efforts of a rested John "Hamstrings of Porcelain" Abraham. The Eagles will have a somewhat healed Bryant Westbrook ready to go, but he will likely still be less than 100%. Another key item - Eagles fans may be less cruel than normal if their Phillies hold a lead going into Sunday. That means less battery dodging will be needed by Michael Turner and Rowdy Roddy White.

We think this game is much closer than the spread indicates. The Falcons may not win, but they should keep it close. Take the Falcons

Tampa Bay @ Dallas (-2)
I'm not quite sure why I keep picking Bucs games. I mean, I don't have very good luck with them and I've already admitted that my fandom precludes me from seeing things as clearly as I would if I was picking, say, the Carolina-Arizona game. But, with that said, I've been busy today with work, a fantasy draft and discussing fashion with Geoff and TJ in a chat room this afternoon, so I might as well stick to what I know if I want to get this thing finished in time for TJ.

It's been well documented that Dallas is a hot mess. When you're starting a QB who's 40+ and thats not even among your 3 biggest problems, well, you're in a heap of shit. Seriously, want to know how old Brad Johnson is? He was the starting QB for the home team in the first ever college football game I ever attended. I turned 31 two weeks ago, if that gives you any idea how long ago that was. Now listen, I love Brad Johnson...he won the Bucs a Super Bowl, but I have a hard time believing that he's going to carry the Cowboys to victory in this one all by his lonesome. That said, I also have a hard time seeing the Bucs putting up a ton of points against a Dallas front seven that should constantly pressure Jeff Garcia. Additionally, Garcia's noodle arm and the lack of playmakers on the outside for Tampa make it highly unlikely that the Bucs will be able to burn the inexperienced Dallas secondary enough times to make the Cowboys defense stop what promises to be a constant barrage of exotic blitzes (Are exotic blitzes from Asia, or some small Cental American country? What makes them so exotic?). Honestly, this game is probably going to suck. Even if you're a Tampa fan (Greg) you might want to have another game as your primary viewing option come Sunday. I dont want to do this, but I'll take the Cowboys.

Presented Without (Much) Comment

Little article in CNN.com today about the growing trendlet towards tiny houses (really, really tiny, like me-sized tiny). I appreciate the idea of eliminating some of the inefficiency of the modern American home, but there's probably a happy medium. The question for the panel is this: how long could you live in a 154 sq. ft. house before losing your everloving mind?

Yawn and Stretch and Try to Come to Life

Slow absurd news day here in G:TWorld. While you wait eagerly for our next contrived and useless feature, check out William and Mary basketball coach Tony Shaver's video blog (yeah, I know even less than you what that means, but Friend of G:TB Michael Litos did the interviewing) from yesterday's CAA Basketball Media Day. Watch the whole thing - there's a terrific story about VCU coach Anthony Grant and Shaver's son, Austin from last season's CAA Tournament.

Bonus points and/or punches if you know the provenance of the headline.

A Forgotten Gem

Quite a cast in this one: Gheorghe, Lil' Penny, Kilborn...

Money, It's Gotta Be the Shoes

From the Picture's Worth 79 Billion Words File (or the Sports Bog, whichever), a preseason shot of Danny and Vinny. G:TB's crack captioning staff took our best (not really) shots below. We welcome yours in the comments.


“Danny, get Smoot on the horn; time to get mine.”

"Danny, you gotta stop drinking Mountain Dew if you want to lose that gut and get a 6-pack like me. Put your pager down and feel these abs. Right here"

"I don't know why Cooley's so proud of his junk...wait till that cheerleader wife of his gets a load of this!"

“No way. Last time you told me to pull your finger we wound up drafting a punter.”

"Hey . . . these rugburns on my knees keep food on my table, dick."

"This remote doesn't seem to work."