Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Previews the Ryder Cup

As always, it is a great privilege and a distinct honor to have an opportunity to grace this corner of the blogosphere.   I can remember the days when this space was only populated with clip art and poop jokes, but look what it’s become?  Now it’s the internet’s preeminent one stop shop for crippling insecurity disguised as bravado, guys bloviating about their love of obscure bands that they’ll abandon at the first hint of popularity, and pedantic, unsolicited advice without a hint of self-awareness…and GIFs and poop jokes.  Congrats all around.

Now, on to the business at hand: The 2014 Ryder Cup Matches, this year played at the PGA Centenary Course at Gleneagles resort, somewhere in Scotland halfway in between Glasgow and Edinburgh.  This is only the second time the Ryder Cup has been played in Scotland, and the first time since 1973.  So, we’re in Scotland, so this is a links course, right?  Wrong.  It’s a pretty well Americanized resort type course—no holes on the water, no pot bunkers (Sorry TJ), no massive greens with inexplicably short flagsticks.  It’s actually a Jack Nicklaus designed track, so as long as you like hitting a fade and guys with oddly high-pitched voices, you should be all set.  So why didn’t the Euros pick a links course so they could watch Phil Mickelson’s tits flop in the wind all week?  Because even their players hate links golf, and that’s probably because it’s generally a pretty miserable experience.

Now, to the teams.  Team America consists of the following diverse group of moneyed white males who reside in Orlando or Scottsdale (Ryder Cup records and World Ranking in parenthesis):

Team USA

Captain: Tom Watson – Eight time major winner, one of the greatest golfers of all time, who is almost equally as beloved in the UK as he is at home. He successfully captained the US to victory at the Belfry back in ’97, and he told Paul Azinger to go fuck off somewhere else when he called him up last month and offered unsolicited captaining advice.  What’s not to like?

Keegan Bradley (26; 3-1-0) – His only loss was last year’s singles match against Rory McIlroy. He’ll thumb wrestle Rickie Fowler each evening for the rights to sleep at the foot of Mickelson’s bed.

Rickie Fowler (10; 0-1-2) The hottest golfer in the world over the last six months not named Rory, Fowler’s first Ryder Cup experience involved a lot of bad golf and character building.

More of this Jim Furyk. Less of the other one.

Jim Furyk (4; 9-17-4) How the Christ is Jim Furyk the #4 ranked golfer in the world?  Do the world rankings only count rounds played Thursday thru Saturday?  Also, can we please sit Furyk during four balls this year?  He’s posted a career 1-8-1 record in that format over the years, with that one win occurring during the Clinton Administration against Jesper Parnevik and a Make-A-Wish kid, I believe.

Zach Johnson (16; 6-4-1) In addition to being an exceptionally uninteresting human, Johnson played out of his tits in the last Ryder Cup, going 3-1, only losing a squeaker in singles to Graeme McDowell.

Matt Kuchar (9; 3-2-2) Undefeated in team play, winless in singles.  Terrified of being alone.

Hunter Mahan (21; 3-2-3) Still recovering from swallowing his tongue during the 2010 Ryder Cup.

Phil Mickelson (11; 14-18-6) Phil is below .500 in all three formats, which is hard to figure out.   Maybe it’s because he hits it sideways too often, or maybe it’s because he had placed wagers on the other guys. Hard to say.

Webb Simpson (33; 2-2-0) Hasn’t really been relevant in a couple years.  Pretty sure he’s only on the team because Watson couldn’t find Brandt Snedecker’s cell phone number and Jason Dufner threw out his back banging his incredibly hot wife.  Might want to give her a follow on the ole Instagram, gents. 

DUFNER SAYS "OH YEAH"

Bubba Watson (7; 5-5-1) Expect Watson to be paired with Simpson this weekend—they were paired together twice in 2012 and won 5&4 both times.  Gives them a good opportunity to talk about growing up in the South, the pros and cons of being baptized in a river or which state has the best sweet tea/soul-crushing racism in the southeast.

Jordan Speith (13, first Ryder Cup) Speith put up some pretty incredible putting numbers this year.  There are more than 20 different putting stats measured by the tour, and he is in the top 5 in almost all of them.  He was first in percentage of holes with one putt, with 46%.  He played 1796 holes and one-putted 809 of them.  That’s not of this world.

Jimmy Walker (19, first Ryder Cup) – Was really hot this Spring, and then remembered he was Jimmy Walker. Let’s just pair him up with Furyk and send them out against McIlroy and GMac as sacrificial lambs.

Patrick Reed (27, first Ryder Cup) – He won three times on tour this year.  He’s chubby. His wife caddies for him. This exhausts all my knowledge of said person. Also, he  put up a couple rounds in the 80s over the last few tournaments, which was almost good enough to get second in the Ladies Member Guest, had  his schedule permitted him to participate in that lovely event.  

So not exactly murderer’s row.  But, an average ranking of 16.3 means we have the team with the superior ranking in this match up—and the team with the lower average World Ranking has won the last five Cups.  Additionally, the team with the number 1 ranked player in the world is 1-4 when the number one ranked players has been in the matches.

Team Europe

Captain: Paul McGinley

Rory McIlroy (1; 4-3-2) He’s good at the golf, and this time he even brought his alarm clock.  Still seems like he can be mentally fragile at times…but the results of late don’t really back that up.

Thomas Bjorn (30, 3-2-1) He’s old, and grumpy and folds faster than Superman on laundry day when the pressure is on.  

Sergio Garcia (3, 16-8-4) If you give two shits about golf and aren’t following Dan Jenkins on twitter, you’re doing it wrong.  Other than being crusty, cranky and insanely funny, he also shares my (everyone’s?) hatred of Sergio, and whenever he’s in contention, does this bit on twitter.  

A 68 by me, Sergio--not quite enough to do the full flamenco on Dan Jenkins' head, but I make more metaphors with you at the PGA. Yes? No?
— Dan Jenkins (@danjenkinsgd) July 17, 2011

Martin Kaymer (12; 3-2-1) It’s a little known fact that Martin Kaymer is secretly one of the funniest, animated and jovial guys in professional golf.  Just kidding! He’s actually a robot that Hitler commissioned from some Third Reich scientists shortly before his death. Team Europe has to plug him in next to Rory’s Nissan Leaf after each round.

Graeme McDowell (18; 5-5-2) How has Team Europe been winning all these Ryder Cups with the incredibly average win-loss records from their top players?  Oh, I know…its cause their shitty players play out of their tits in the Ryder Cup.

We're gonna lose to this guy, huh?

Ian Poulter (38, 12-3-0) Ian Poulter has the best winning percentage in the history of the Ryder Cup.  Better than Ballesteros, and Montgomerie, better than Palmer and Nicklaus.  It does not make sense. His last six finishes this year were as follows: Tied for 23^rd, Missed Cut, Tied for 58^th, Missed Cut, Missed Cut, Missed Cut. But that notwithstanding, everyone knows that this weekend he’ll go 4-0-0 while wearing plaid capri pants and a camisole.  

Justin Rose (6; 6-3-0) People sleep on Justin Rose.  His singles match against Mickelson in 2012 was the real backbreaker in that collapse, and it’s hard to kill Phil for the loss.  He shot 66…Rose just shot 64, including birdies on the last two.

Henrik Stenson (5; 2-3-2) Do we really think Henrik Fucking Stenson is the 3^rd best player in this field?  I’m pretty sure the players don’t.

Lee Westwood (44; 18-13-6) Hey, it’s Lee Westwood! When he’s not busy being a smug prick, we’re used to seeing him playing awesome golf on the Saturday of a major and then crapping all over himself.  He should sue Jim Furyk for stealing his bit.  I hope they get matched up for singles on Sunday and they can halve the match with 88s.

Jamie Donaldson (26, first Ryder Cup) I believe Jamie Donaldson plays third base for Oakland A’s, so he seems an odd captain’s pick…but I guess they do it different over across the pond.

Stephen Gallacher (34, first Ryder Cup) You might remember him as Sandy Cohen, the dad on The O.C.  He also plays golf…apparently.   Much like on the O.C., Sandy. I mean Stephen serves as a moral center, often guiding and supporting his teammates through their problems, bringing them both wisdom and a well-placed sense of humor.

Victor Dubuisson (23, first Ryder Cup) There’s a storied history of Frenchmen in the Ryder Cup…Thomas Levet, Jean Van de Velde… Frenchie Fuqua.  They all sucked it up and then sat quietly in the corner of the team room sipping port.

So team Europe, huh?  Lots of Major winners and guys with weird accents.  Average world golf ranking: 19.9

With the exception of Sergio and Rory, most of team Europe has been playing like dogshit over the last few weeks, and the bottom third of their roster is very weak—even weaker than Jimmy Walker and Patrick Reed.  The US is also undefeated in Ryder cup’s without Tiger Woods since 1997…so there’s that.   I think the U.S. takes the Cup back. So there’s some pretty earth-shattering analysis. If you want a deeper dive, go read Johnny Miller’s piece on it in golf Digest.  I haven’t read it, but I’m guessing it’s mainly about how none of these guys are as good as Johnny Miller was, and their swings are all wrong and they fold under pressure.

So, the matches begin at 2:30am Friday morning, which is an incredible ass-ache. I’m planning on taking the day off Friday and showing up on Jerry’s doorstep around 8 am, in time for the second set of Friday matches.  The Sunday singles matches mercifully start at 6:35am Sunday, and will be over before the NFL kicks off for the day.  

Until Friday morning, I’ll just be in my basement watching youtube clips of eagles soaring with Lee Greenwood playing in the background. Ok, let’s go get em.