Thursday, September 25, 2014

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Previews the Ryder Cup

As always, it is a great privilege and a distinct honor to have an opportunity to grace this corner of the blogosphere.   I can remember the days when this space was only populated with clip art and poop jokes, but look what it’s become?  Now it’s the internet’s preeminent one stop shop for crippling insecurity disguised as bravado, guys bloviating about their love of obscure bands that they’ll abandon at the first hint of popularity, and pedantic, unsolicited advice without a hint of self-awareness…and GIFs and poop jokes.  Congrats all around.



Now, on to the business at hand: The 2014 Ryder Cup Matches, this year played at the PGA Centenary Course at Gleneagles resort, somewhere in Scotland halfway in between Glasgow and Edinburgh.  This is only the second time the Ryder Cup has been played in Scotland, and the first time since 1973.  So, we’re in Scotland, so this is a links course, right?  Wrong.  It’s a pretty well Americanized resort type course—no holes on the water, no pot bunkers (Sorry TJ), no massive greens with inexplicably short flagsticks.  It’s actually a Jack Nicklaus designed track, so as long as you like hitting a fade and guys with oddly high-pitched voices, you should be all set.  So why didn’t the Euros pick a links course so they could watch Phil Mickelson’s tits flop in the wind all week?  Because even their players hate links golf, and that’s probably because it’s generally a pretty miserable experience.
Now, to the teams.  Team America consists of the following diverse group of moneyed white males who reside in Orlando or Scottsdale (Ryder Cup records and World Ranking in parenthesis):
Team USA
Captain: Tom Watson – Eight time major winner, one of the greatest golfers of all time, who is almost equally as beloved in the UK as he is at home. He successfully captained the US to victory at the Belfry back in ’97, and he told Paul Azinger to go fuck off somewhere else when he called him up last month and offered unsolicited captaining advice.  What’s not to like?
Keegan Bradley (26; 3-1-0) – His only loss was last year’s singles match against Rory McIlroy. He’ll thumb wrestle Rickie Fowler each evening for the rights to sleep at the foot of Mickelson’s bed.
Rickie Fowler (10; 0-1-2) The hottest golfer in the world over the last six months not named Rory, Fowler’s first Ryder Cup experience involved a lot of bad golf and character building.
More of this Jim Furyk. Less of the other one.
Jim Furyk (4; 9-17-4) How the Christ is Jim Furyk the #4 ranked golfer in the world?  Do the world rankings only count rounds played Thursday thru Saturday?  Also, can we please sit Furyk during four balls this year?  He’s posted a career 1-8-1 record in that format over the years, with that one win occurring during the Clinton Administration against Jesper Parnevik and a Make-A-Wish kid, I believe.
Zach Johnson (16; 6-4-1) In addition to being an exceptionally uninteresting human, Johnson played out of his tits in the last Ryder Cup, going 3-1, only losing a squeaker in singles to Graeme McDowell.
Matt Kuchar (9; 3-2-2) Undefeated in team play, winless in singles.  Terrified of being alone.
Hunter Mahan (21; 3-2-3) Still recovering from swallowing his tongue during the 2010 Ryder Cup.
Phil Mickelson (11; 14-18-6) Phil is below .500 in all three formats, which is hard to figure out.   Maybe it’s because he hits it sideways too often, or maybe it’s because he had placed wagers on the other guys. Hard to say.
Webb Simpson (33; 2-2-0) Hasn’t really been relevant in a couple years.  Pretty sure he’s only on the team because Watson couldn’t find Brandt Snedecker’s cell phone number and Jason Dufner threw out his back banging his incredibly hot wife.  Might want to give her a follow on the ole Instagram, gents. 


DUFNER SAYS "OH YEAH"
Bubba Watson (7; 5-5-1) Expect Watson to be paired with Simpson this weekend—they were paired together twice in 2012 and won 5&4 both times.  Gives them a good opportunity to talk about growing up in the South, the pros and cons of being baptized in a river or which state has the best sweet tea/soul-crushing racism in the southeast.
Jordan Speith (13, first Ryder Cup) Speith put up some pretty incredible putting numbers this year.  There are more than 20 different putting stats measured by the tour, and he is in the top 5 in almost all of them.  He was first in percentage of holes with one putt, with 46%.  He played 1796 holes and one-putted 809 of them.  That’s not of this world.
Jimmy Walker (19, first Ryder Cup) – Was really hot this Spring, and then remembered he was Jimmy Walker. Let’s just pair him up with Furyk and send them out against McIlroy and GMac as sacrificial lambs.
Patrick Reed (27, first Ryder Cup) – He won three times on tour this year.  He’s chubby. His wife caddies for him. This exhausts all my knowledge of said person. Also, he  put up a couple rounds in the 80s over the last few tournaments, which was almost good enough to get second in the Ladies Member Guest, had  his schedule permitted him to participate in that lovely event.  
So not exactly murderer’s row.  But, an average ranking of 16.3 means we have the team with the superior ranking in this match up—and the team with the lower average World Ranking has won the last five Cups.  Additionally, the team with the number 1 ranked player in the world is 1-4 when the number one ranked players has been in the matches.
Team Europe
Captain: Paul McGinley


Rory McIlroy (1; 4-3-2) He’s good at the golf, and this time he even brought his alarm clock.  Still seems like he can be mentally fragile at times…but the results of late don’t really back that up.
Thomas Bjorn (30, 3-2-1) He’s old, and grumpy and folds faster than Superman on laundry day when the pressure is on.  
Sergio Garcia (3, 16-8-4) If you give two shits about golf and aren’t following Dan Jenkins on twitter, you’re doing it wrong.  Other than being crusty, cranky and insanely funny, he also shares my (everyone’s?) hatred of Sergio, and whenever he’s in contention, does this bit on twitter.  

Martin Kaymer (12; 3-2-1) It’s a little known fact that Martin Kaymer is secretly one of the funniest, animated and jovial guys in professional golf.  Just kidding! He’s actually a robot that Hitler commissioned from some Third Reich scientists shortly before his death. Team Europe has to plug him in next to Rory’s Nissan Leaf after each round.
Graeme McDowell (18; 5-5-2) How has Team Europe been winning all these Ryder Cups with the incredibly average win-loss records from their top players?  Oh, I know…its cause their shitty players play out of their tits in the Ryder Cup.
We're gonna lose to this guy, huh?

Ian Poulter (38, 12-3-0) Ian Poulter has the best winning percentage in the history of the Ryder Cup.  Better than Ballesteros, and Montgomerie, better than Palmer and Nicklaus.  It does not make sense. His last six finishes this year were as follows: Tied for 23rd, Missed Cut, Tied for 58th, Missed Cut, Missed Cut, Missed Cut. But that notwithstanding, everyone knows that this weekend he’ll go 4-0-0 while wearing plaid capri pants and a camisole.  
Justin Rose (6; 6-3-0) People sleep on Justin Rose.  His singles match against Mickelson in 2012 was the real backbreaker in that collapse, and it’s hard to kill Phil for the loss.  He shot 66…Rose just shot 64, including birdies on the last two.
Henrik Stenson (5; 2-3-2) Do we really think Henrik Fucking Stenson is the 3rd best player in this field?  I’m pretty sure the players don’t.
Lee Westwood (44; 18-13-6) Hey, it’s Lee Westwood! When he’s not busy being a smug prick, we’re used to seeing him playing awesome golf on the Saturday of a major and then crapping all over himself.  He should sue Jim Furyk for stealing his bit.  I hope they get matched up for singles on Sunday and they can halve the match with 88s.
Jamie Donaldson (26, first Ryder Cup) I believe Jamie Donaldson plays third base for Oakland A’s, so he seems an odd captain’s pick…but I guess they do it different over across the pond.
Stephen Gallacher (34, first Ryder Cup) You might remember him as Sandy Cohen, the dad on The O.C.  He also plays golf…apparently.   Much like on the O.C., Sandy. I mean Stephen serves as a moral center, often guiding and supporting his teammates through their problems, bringing them both wisdom and a well-placed sense of humor.
Victor Dubuisson (23, first Ryder Cup) There’s a storied history of Frenchmen in the Ryder Cup…Thomas Levet, Jean Van de Velde… Frenchie Fuqua.  They all sucked it up and then sat quietly in the corner of the team room sipping port.
So team Europe, huh?  Lots of Major winners and guys with weird accents.  Average world golf ranking: 19.9
With the exception of Sergio and Rory, most of team Europe has been playing like dogshit over the last few weeks, and the bottom third of their roster is very weak—even weaker than Jimmy Walker and Patrick Reed.  The US is also undefeated in Ryder cup’s without Tiger Woods since 1997…so there’s that.   I think the U.S. takes the Cup back. So there’s some pretty earth-shattering analysis. If you want a deeper dive, go read Johnny Miller’s piece on it in golf Digest.  I haven’t read it, but I’m guessing it’s mainly about how none of these guys are as good as Johnny Miller was, and their swings are all wrong and they fold under pressure.
So, the matches begin at 2:30am Friday morning, which is an incredible ass-ache. I’m planning on taking the day off Friday and showing up on Jerry’s doorstep around 8 am, in time for the second set of Friday matches.  The Sunday singles matches mercifully start at 6:35am Sunday, and will be over before the NFL kicks off for the day.  
Until Friday morning, I’ll just be in my basement watching youtube clips of eagles soaring with Lee Greenwood playing in the background. Ok, let’s go get em.

57 comments:

TR said...

Good read. Hopefully we'll get some excitement. I pulled a Fowler and shaved USA into my body as well, but did it into my back hair.

The Simmons suspension is justified. He was right to state his opinion, but doing it with 69 f-bombs was not the way to do it. I listened to the podcast on my way home the day it came out, probably about an hour after. It's ridiculous that ESPN didn't edit the audio or neg it altogether.

The interesting question is if Simmons can take Grantland with him if he gets canned.

Danimal said...

great one.
the town: auchterarder, pronounced as if you are hokking up a huuge loogey on the front end...like, aaacghhhhhhh-tir-ar-dir

you'd have to back to '91 for a links venue at the ryder cup which ironically was here in the us of a at the ocean course. ryder cups. and the next links venue, also here - 2020 at whistling straits in wiscaaaansin



Danimal said...

spaced out there for a second.

the last go around, i conveyed a comment along the lines of davis love being a big pussy, and that our team would reflect as much, which they ended up doing in spectacular fashion on sunday.

Am big on captains in this thing. Paul McGinley is terrific, loved by all his guys for sure. I have a hard time not picking the US though per Geoff's comments.

I just hope it is uninteresting as I will be able to watch virtually none of it live.



rob said...

got up at 2:30 this morning to watch the action. apparently it doesn't start until tomorrow. stupid reading comprehension.

Danimal said...

what's up with all of that space between my last word and the time stamp?

Jerry said...

I think Patrick Reed fell down twice on swings during one of the FedEx playoffs tournaments. A lot of our guys were really, really bad in the last few of those events.

I've been rooting against Jim Furyk for two years in the hopes that he wouldn't qualify of the Ryder Cup. He's the worst Ryder Cup player in the history of the event and you know the announcers are still going to give you the "you want a grinder like Jim out there" nonsense.

I recall Fowler playing fairly well two years ago, but I could be wrong.

The Golf Channel segment on Michael Jordan heckling Ian Poulter two years ago was pretty good. His putting on Saturday afternoon was beyond absurd and they needed that match to set up their Sunday comeback.

I feel like Zack Johnson has had about 10 televised shots in all of his Ryder Cup matches, but he's the only guy I really trust. Probably Fowler and Kuchar next after that.

mayhugh said...

It has to be good news for the Americans as well as for my own viewing experience that no one named "Molinari" is playing for the Europeans. Those guys are basically 20 year old Sergio after a few caffeine pills.

Is there a typical slot where the strongest pair goes for each team? I know we don't know the other side's lineups beforehand, but there might be something to throwing our two crappiest guys out against Rory/Rory's Partner.

rob said...

that keegan bradley photo is the best thing about this ryder cup. perhaps even more excellent is the fact that it was originally published by golf digest.

mayhugh said...

Speith is a total freaking wildcard in my mind. I did not realize his putting was that ridiculous, though. Maybe it's just his age and his tendency to throw a tanturm off the tee, but he feels a little too Snedeker-y for me. Would not want to count on him in a must-have match.

rob said...

if the yankees actually play their game this evening, it'll be the first time in jeter's career that he plays a home game with the team out of playoff contention. that is insane.

Geoff said...

As to Mayhugh's question, there is a school of thought that posting the first point on the board is important. I bet Watson puts Mickelson and Fowler out first. Just a hunch. Or possibly Watson and Webb, just because they have a very strong history together.

I have tremendous confidence in Jordan Speith. He went 2-2 in the President's Cup last year as a 20 year old. He was paired with Steve Stricker then, I'm wondering who he'll play with this week. It appears Reed & Furyk will be paired together. I'm thinking Speith and Kuchar or maybe Zach Johnson.

Mark said...

I'm not big on golf but 20 different putting stats seems a bit excessive.

Geoff said...

I lied. There's 34 different putting stats.

http://www.pgatour.com/stats/categories.RPUT_INQ.html

Mark said...

Simmons suspension is/was justified. He basically dared espn to do it.

Geoff said...

So there's been this interesting narrative at the Ryder lead up that Victor Dubuisson is kind of insane...and not in a good way. He won't talk to reporters, asks them to leave him alone, and he doesn't really talk to his teammates, and several of them have gone on record saying they don't really know what to make of him. Couple that wiht this slide show of the Ryder Gala last night...and wait for the pic of Dubuisson.

http://www.golfchannel.com/media/2014-ryder-cup-gala-dinner/#slide-1

Geoff said...

Check out the comments on Dubuisson from his teammates in this article:

http://www.golfdigest.com/blogs/the-loop/2014/09/victor-dubuisson-2014-ryder-cup-france-gleneagles.html

Sounds like everyone is dying to be paired up with him:

"Does anybody really know Victor?" asked Thomas Bjorn.

"It's very difficult to know what to make of Victor," was Lee Westwood's assessment.

"He's a bit of an enigma and just a tough guy to get your head round what he's thinking," said Graeme McDowell, who has actually spent a bit of time with Dubuisson over the last few months.

"For most of the guys on the team, it's the early stages of getting to know him as a person," admitted Henrik Stenson. "I'm sure we will get to know him a bit more."

As you'd expect of a detail-oriented individual, European skipper Paul McGinley has gone out of his way to introduce himself to Dubuisson since it became apparent the Cannes-native was going to make the side. But it clearly hasn't been easy. Asked if Victor's "shyness" poses a problem when it comes to team dynamics, the genial Dubliner did concede that it was "a challenge."

"Not everybody is Ian Poulter," continued McGinley.

mayhugh said...

Speith with an even keel guy makes sense. Zach Johnson might be too even keeled.

It's like Dubuisson is doing a bit.

Looking at those pictures, I am reminded that I really wish I could root for Miguel Angel Jiminez. That guy is all the right amounts of everything.

Thomas Bjorn looks 17 different levels of smug.

If the pictures are representative, golfers generally have hot wives.

Dave said...

i have off tomorrow for the high holidays so-- armed with this preview-- i may actually watch a few matches.

Geoff said...

Rich athletes and attractive women? Now I've seen it all...

Danimal said...

at the masters this year (in Thurston Howell III voice), we had an open invite to cross the street and hang out in the IMG house pretty much whenever. the spread was as you might guess, pretty sick. so guess what? we did. and every night, dubuisson was there with a posse of what seemed like very close knit friends and family. every night. they all seemed like very nice & genuine folks. I am guessing that his teammates will end this week with having a pretty good and very positive relationship with him if he decides to let them in.

Danimal said...

and I'm way high on spieth. please don't remind me that's what I said about the jags not too long ago.

Danimal said...

speith

Geoff said...

Please don't undermine my manufactured story based on rumor and innuendo with actual facts.

Geoff said...

If I had to guess the guy who is most likely to be a team cancer for our side, I'd obviously go with Bubba Watson...with Patrick Reed as a potential dark horse.

Hearing that in the Europe team room Kaymer and Stenson are sitting in a corner together quietly building a ham radio.

Geoff said...

The name of the bagpipe group leading in the golfers at the Ryder opening ceremony? The Red Hot Chili Pipers.

Geoff said...

Now Scotland's answer to Edie Brickell is performing. Everyone looks cold and confused. But there is a massive crowd. Scottish people love golf..and even golf related ceremonies that are almost completely uncontaminated with any golf.

Geoff said...

Weather report for tomorrow--chilly, very windy. Advantage: Europe.

rob said...

wow, 28 comments before noon. you guys really love the ryder cup. or dufner's wife.

Geoff said...

Match 1: Watson/Simpson vs. Stenson/Rose
Match 2: Fowler/Walker vs. Kaymer/Bjorn
Match 3: Speith/Reed vs. Gallacher/Poulters
MAtch 4: Bradley/Michelson vs. Garcia/McIlroy

Lots of surprises there...and match 4 came into place nicely.

Geoff said...

Well, 26 of the comments are me.

Greg said...

In Scotland, they call it "Goff". You see? Without the "L".

mayhugh said...

It's more about patriotism than golf. Geoff's preview was a great read, but I would read just about any preview of a competition of US versus THEM

rob said...

is that first session four-balls or foursomes?

rob said...

or whatever vs whatever?

Danimal said...

I like the move of getting our rookies in there quickly.
That last match....oh boy.

mr kq said...

Quality preview. Been following Aduff99 for a bit. Her man gets absolutely crushed in the comments.

I'll go FIGJAM for team cancer. Shitty form plus big ego = trouble thar. Not to mention the majority of players think he's a db.

Greg said...

Stupid Europeans!!! I hate them so much!!!

U-S-A!!!

Geoff said...

Robert, tomorrow morning (tonight?) will be fourballs aka best ball. Afternoon will be foursomes aka alternate shot. Playing alternate shot with FIGJAM doesn't sound like much fun.

Danimal said...

who was that little hottie mc'ing the opening ceremony? I'd like to cook her up some bangers & mash! yeah vavy yeah!

prediction: poulter loses his ryder cup magic this week, going no better than .500.

Geoff said...

Poulter has been playing like garbage, and pairing him with Gallacher seems an odd move. His press conference comments yesterday fell somewhere in between "supremely confident" and "world class asshole."

Danimal said...

he's a bit of a plonker

Shlara said...

I like Rickie
And, Danimal--can I work for you so I can hang out at the Masters next year?

zman said...

I feel like tonight's crowd at the stadium should be rowdier.

zman said...

Of course he did.

zman said...

They all look so old.

rob said...

they're all younger than clarence.

Clarence said...

Triumph sucks. That's what my friends on the Washington football team say.

mayhugh said...

It's still all RGIII's fault, obviously. Can't wait to see what new angle the locals' take on why their team is horrible.

Danimal said...

See ya on sunday webb

Marls said...

Kegan, off the cart path? Really?

Danimal said...

figjam and keegan are going to give this away aren't they?

Danimal said...

got my new computer machine a couple of weeks ago...a little dell latitude ultrabook. added a monitor here in the office on Monday which is turning out to be HAAA-UUUUUGE! How did I function without 2 monitors? it's a game-changer. epic. and that's before throwing in a major sporting event airing.

Danimal said...

jimmy walker drains a 5-footer on 18 to halve the match! they were down 2 with 5 to play!
DYNOMITE!!!

FIGJAM DOING A CLEMSON

mr kq said...

Right on queue Figgy pushes a 4 footer. Nite nite.

Danimal said...

Faldo is a jackass.

And Zack Johnson - I noticed last night in the ceremony that someone really needs to clue him in to the need for some clippers up on that head.

rob said...

bigjam, amirite?

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