Viva Columbus

While we await the Doofus Overlord's opus on his trip deep into NASCAR country, a brief bit of outrage for you in advance of this evening's US/Mexico hexagonal qualifier.

U.S. defender Matt Besler was given a yellow card in Friday night's loss to Costa Rica, meaning that he's suspended for tonight's match. Skip ahead to the 5:38 mark in the video below to see what Besler did to earn the caution:



Joel Campbell, karma is a bitch. Watch your back.

Tonight's match kicks off at 8:00 from Columbus Crew Stadium. It's televised on ESPN. No excuse for a patriotic bunch like you not to watch it. With a win and a nearly-certain Honduras win or tie against Panama, the U.S. books its ticket to the World Cup.

Dropping Science, Art, and Pants

We welcome the National Football League back into our lives today, and prepare to surrender our Sundays to the self-serious pomp and pageantry orchestrated by its media partners. And while we celebrate the game and its attendant rituals, we at G:TB pause today to also pay homage to one of the NFL's under publicized sideshows. As we hunker down on our couches, in our bars, at our stadiums with grilled meats, rich cheeses, lagers, ales, chips, dips, and any number of other delicious and gastrointestinally punishing fare, let us today remember one of our own.

Gentlemen (ladies, you want no part of this), today we fart.

In his new book, Curious Behavior, Yawning, Laughing, Hiccuping, and Beyond, Robert R. Provine examines flatulation from both scientific and artistic perspectives. Provine, Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, confesses that he was initially skeptical of his subject matter.

"My foray into fart science is a bit timid. The mere inclusion of the topic threatens to lower my intellectual tone. A confluence of circumstances forced the subject on me.", explains Provine in an excerpt of his book presented in Salon.com. But Provine's no shrinking violet, and we as men are better for it.

His fart-based work ranges from the surprisingly sublime to the predictably ridiculous. Provine profiles Joseph Pujol, a Frenchman who performed at the famed Moulin Rouge under the stage name Le Petomane (translated as 'fartomatic'). Pujol was the most famous and highly compensated performer in Paris at his peak in the late 19th and early 20th century. I tried figure out how to paraphrase Provine's description of Le Petomane's act, but I don't know how to top this:

Le Pétomane’s act was full of novelty, comedy, and virtuosity. At his peak, Le Pétomane easily outearned the great actress Sarah Bernhardt, his closest contender. And what was the act of this artist who “pays no author’s royalties”? He would begin with a series of ordinary farts, describing each in turn— a little girl, a mother-in-law, a bride on her wedding night (weak) and on the morning after (loud), tearing cloth, cannon fire, and thunder. With a tube inserted in his rectum, he would smoke a cigarette or attach a flute and play tunes. But his real artistry was accomplished au naturel.

Le Pétomane’s repertoire included animal sounds— a rooster crowing, a puppy, a dog with its tail caught in a door, a blackbird, an owl, a duck, bees, a tomcat, a toad, a pig, and musical instruments including violin, bass, and trombone. The climax of Le Pétomane’s performance was a stirring rendition of “La Marseillaise” that brought down the house. He made audiences delirious with joy, writhing in their seats, tears streaming, with some fashionably dressed and corseted women so overcome that they were carried into hallways to be revived. Amazingly, no part of his performance was faked, as he once demonstrated in the nude before a panel of earnest and curious physicians.

The author's treatment of the subject is wide-ranging and thorough, spanning Roman laws against flatulence to detailed descriptions of the biological causes and variety of farts, and name-checking Louis Armstrong and Wynton Marsalis. Writes Provine with respect to the latter, "An adventurous musical acquaintance acknowledged that a tone can indeed be produced by farting into a trumpet, creating a middle C, but further details were not forthcoming from this wary pioneer of the butt-trumpet."

I bet Peter Konz can clear a room

Provine also digs into more sobering matters, explaining, "On a more serious note, a gassy gut can be fatal, as it was for a patient having a colonic polyp cauterized. An electric spark caused the patient’s bowels to detonate, blasting out the colonoscope and ripping a six- inch hole in the patient’s large intestine" In other words, gaaaaaah.

Humans aren't the only animals that fart, as anyone who's ever had a dog knows well. But Provine tells of a creature so advanced as to use ass-gas as a communications mechanism. "So far, signaling by fart is reported only in certain herring."

Which is a shame, because there will come a time this afternoon when Matt Ryan puts his hands under Peter Konz's taint and the Superdome crowd is in full throat, making verbal communication next to impossible. A well-timed burst of gas could speak volumes.

If only Ryan were an herring.

"To The Pain" Pick 'Em: Week 2

Well, here we are ago...another round of Danimal vs. Mark, for the opposite of all the marbles. Despite jumping on a slow boat to China, Dan was able to get his picks in before the commies limited his access to Al Gore's world wide web. Regarding that trip, he seems really fired up: "Am excited to be missing the 2nd wkd of cfb with another trip to China. Going dark in 3….2…..1….."



DANIMAL

Well, I’ve cleaned myself off after getting ass whacked last week. If you don’t recall, BadNews Hughes went 3-0 to my oh-fer. Hopefully that will be corrected this week, but until then, go with Marks’ picks.

ND +3.5 at Mich (Dan made sure to send this early in the week, so he could "lockdown" the 3.5-point spread. Little did he know we are not a recognized Sportsbook)
My first instinct with the Irish last week was to no way in hell pick them. But I did. Rees did though have a nice game with no turnovers and a record day in passing yardage with 346 of ‘em. The talk pre-Temple was all about ND’s D with Tuitt & Nix and their 6 other returning starters. Well Temple had 3 drives of over 50 yards (54, 65, & 74). Two of those resulted in missed field goals and the other a touchdown. Temple had 360 some yards of offense. Temple. That’s a concern. Notre Dame missed two kicks of their own, also a concern. One of the kicks could have been made by Oscar Pretorius. Meanwhile, Michigan won its opener by its largest margin in over 100 years. Granted, it was against Central Michigan of the MAC, but a 50-point beatdown is a 50-point beatdown. Michigan is hosting ND after losing last year, and amidst much talk between the two schools and the rivalry that is about to end. Brady Hoke and his guys will be a little more motivated than normal. Throw in a few missed FG’s by the good guys and you’ve got a Michigan win by 5+. MICHIGAN

WVU +20.5 vs OK
The second I saw this, I felt this was a “LOCK”, with or without last week’s showing against the Wrens. I just don’t think WVU is any good at all. Admittedly, the pick is flawed b/c it’s not about how good OK is but how bad WVU is. Well, tough titties. WARNING: This line is inflated entirely as a result of their debut in Motown. Oklahoma is nothing special and is starting a redshirt freshman that completed something like none of his passes last week. Well, not none but 11, 11 of 28 in fact. OKLA

Boston College +3 vs Wake
With this being the first year of this little competition, we haven’t laid down many rules. For example, it hasn’t been established that we can’t pick the Over/Under. The O/U here is 48.5 Both of these teams STRUGGLED against weaker FBS opponents last week. Granted, Villanova is no cream puff but Presbyterian, well, Wake trailed 14-7 at one point and they were 38 point faves, guy! You might see better football in your kid’s shoolyard. You and Julio, watching Pop Warner football, down at the schoolyard. Need some back to school shoes for that your cheeldren….take the UNDER and treat ‘em to something….REAL NAACE!

COMING...SOMETIME...MARK'S PICKS...

So yesterday The Teej emailed me to see if I'd have my picks in on Thursday or Friday. I told him it was most likely going to be Friday afternoon. Of course, he said he was cool with that and added something along the lines of "not rushing you". Fast forward to just after 1 pm today when I see myself mentioned in one of TJ's many tweets. This tweet in particular was for the blog post you're reading, and it was calling me out for being delinquent. My first reaction was "What a dick.". But then I thought about it a little more and realized TJ was probably just reacting to Rob's demand for a new post. So…fuck you TJ. Fuck you worse, Rob. Now onto the picks!

Oregon (-23) @ Virginia- Did you know Cavalier coach Mike London used to be a cop? Well, he was! And you're going to here about that between 10 and 200 times tomorrow afternoon. Especially in the second half when Oregon is rapidly pulling away from Virginia and turning this game into a laugher. Speaking of laughs, Oregon TB and track star De'Anthony Thomas is one of the few athletes worth following on Twitter. There's some of your typical athlete "Rise &Grind" bullshit but there's also some things that give you insight into one of the nation's best players and his personality. He goes by @EATBLACKMOMBA6. Check him out, if you're into the whole Twitter thing. Back to football, De'Anthony Thomas is stupid fast, Marcus Mariota is the best QB that Oregon has had since Chip Kelly took over in Eugune (I know, Kelly isn't there anymore but his offense still is) and, in my opinion, one of the country's best and TE Colt Lyerla is a freak of nature. Oregon's good and they make giving up 23 points on the road look enticing. DUCKS.

West Virginia @ Oklahoma (-21)- Another big spread. I have to admit, when I saw Danimal San took the Sooners I became a little worried. Both of us were clearly influenced by the struggles of Dan Holgorsen and Co. against the #PantlessGriffins last weekend. Now, I doubt Dana will be as hungover for this week's game. Noon starts are murder on him but I also don't think it will matter. The now somewhat overrated Bob Stoops doesn't lose very often in Norman and the Mountaineers aren't very good this season. You know what is good though? The Bridge. I've made it throughout 6 episodes and I'm all in. Why do I bring this up? Because Jame Gumb is one of the main characters on The Bridge. And, to me, Dana Holgorsen looks a lot like a young Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs. THE MOUNTAINEERS PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET OR THEY GET THE HOSE!!!

Western Kentucy (+13) @ Tennessee- Do you know who coaches Western Kentucky? Bobby Petrino. Yes, that Bobby Petrino. The same guy who quit midseason on the Atlanta Falcons and blew up the most promising season in the last 40 years of Arkansas Razorback Football when he crashed his motorcycle because a young assistant from his office was sitting behind him on said motorcycle and went for the reach around (at least that's always been my guess). So, Bobby Petrino is pretty clearly an awful dude. An awful dude who's an extremely good football coach. This job is just a stopover for Petrino. His track record of success at the college level is just too good to ignore. Somebody is going to come calling for Petrino this offseason. I guarantee it. Until then though, Petrino can make you some money. He beat the spread, and Kentucky, last week. He's going to do one, and possibly both, again this week. Butch Jones has the Volunteers moving in the right direction but you don't recover from 4 years of Derek Dooley overnight. HILLTOPPERS.

Fantasy Football 2013: In Spiller We Trust

So, it seems Team G:TB has a favorite fantasy football player this year, Buffalo Bills running back C.J. Spiller. Despite Spiller being a member of a downtrodden franchise with an untested rookie at quarterback and a dude who captained Syracuse last year as his head coach, quite a few of us found it necessary to add Spiller to our 2013 fantasy rosters. This can only mean one thing for poor Mr. Spiller (and our teams): CATASTROPHIC DISASTER.

The Curse of G:TB is very real, so you can expect Spiller's knee to implode sometime during his Week 3 contest with the laughable Jets "team". Let's take a look, then, at which of us will have a sad when Spiller inevitably goes down and ruins our fantasy season:

zroster:
As it was explained to us in an email, zman is in an "an ancient home run league. Not standard or PPR." What the fuck does that mean, you ask? I'll let him explain: "You get points for TD with bonuses based on length. Out of position scores (e.g., rushing TD by a WR or QB) count double. Before you tell me this is stupid, note that the league is over 20 years old and back then scoring was a pain in the ass without the internet." It should be noted that zman wisely added Fred Jackson as the handcuff to the Spiller selection, 'cause he's a Bills fan, and knows what is going to happen to poor Mr. Spiller.

Teej roster:

I'm in a PPR keeper league, and because of my rock solid second-to-last showing last year had the #2 pick in this year's draft. The guy picking #1 surprised me by taking Calvin Johnson, so I was actually left with a quandary: take Spiller, or LeSean McCoy, who I had just assumed would be the only viable back left for me at #2. Because I waffled and took Spiller over McCoy, you just know Spiller is going down. However, I too took Jackson as a handcuff.

Mark roster:

Mark is apparently too lazy to send us his entire roster. Or tell us whether he is in a PPR or Standard scoring league. Asshole.

Clarence roster:

Actually, Mark looks great compared to Clarence, who told us he does have Spiller on his fantasy roster, but apparently can't manage to take a screen shot of his team. Solid work, chief. [AFTERNOON UPDATE: Clarence has risen...and sent his roster.]

Anyone else out there in the G:TB Universe have Spiller on their roster? Want to commiserate with us chumps before the injury occurs? Join us in the comments and let us know.

#PantslessGriffin - let's make this hashtag a thing

So, during William and Mary's almost victory over West Virginia on Saturday, I took to twitter to remind the college football viewing community that the Tribe's mascot is actually a horrific mythological creature who has lost his pants. All of his pants. Folks were both appalled and entertained, including Holly Anderson over at Grantland. She even noted that she would love to see the #PantslessGriffin hashtag become a thing, and who am I to object. Therefore, as part of the process, I've jazzed up the image below, just to get the ball rolling...


Free Photo Editor

By the way, this is just filler for the filler I have coming later this morning. POST COUNT, BITCHES.

Copenhagen: It's More than Just Danish and Dip

If you paid close attention to the comments last week you might recall that I went to Copenhagen for a few days. At rob's insistence I've posted up this post in which I conclude that Copenhagen gets it done.

The flight from the eastern US to Copenhagen is painfully long and expensive. My pain was partially assuaged by the beautiful stewardesses on my Scandinavian Airlines flight. If you go be sure to fly SAS. Sure, one of the plane's landing sensors broke on the way there, necessitating a landing in sunny Gotesburg Sweden to get it fixed before we could land in foggy Copenhagen, and the plane that was supposed to take me home broke so thoroughly that I had to wait 2 hours for a replacement plane to arrive from China ... but the women of SAS make the risk worthwhile.

Beautiful women are a theme in Copenhagen. Even with my detour through Sweden I arrived at my hotel 5 hours before my room was ready, which gave me time to roam the streets and absorb the sights. Everyone gets around on bicycle in Copenhagen, so everyone no one is fat and all the women have toned legs. The locals are genetically blessed with flawless skin, blond hair, long legs, and straight teeth. The time spent biking in the sun gives them all a uniform tawny sheen. Remarkably, none freckles or moles, just evenly bronzed dermis all around. I got a leisurely lunch of steak and fries at an outdoor café, drinking beer in the sun and watching relentless streams of perfect blond girls pedal by. They were so abundant that you could start a Tumblr as specific as "pretty blonds with braided ponytails and blue skirts on bicycles" or "pretty girls with platinum blond hair wearing green adidas on bicycles" or "pretty girls with sandy blond hair carrying a guitar on a Cannondale" and get three entries every two minutes.

One of my colleagues noted that if he wasn't married he wouldn't leave. And I think he was serious. Another colleague immediately agreed and I guarantee that guy wasn't joking. If you know any young guys who are deciding what to do after they graduate from college, you're doing them a disservice if you don't tell them to backpack through Denmark. You have to see it to believe it. All 7's and above, and based solely on the sounds coming from the room next to mine they engage in robust and vocally demonstrative coitus. And no, I didn't take any pictures of ladies, despite rob's insistence. I'm not that creepy. Our distaff readers will also like to hear that the men in Denmark are similarly blond, tall, fit, tanned, and plentiful. I just didn't pay as much attention to them.

After the shock of the transition from the women in Newark to the women in Denmark wore off, I realized that Copenhagen felt like home. The cobblestones and bicyclists remind me of Nantucket and I wound up in a touristy area much like Downtown Crossing. Also quite Bostonian was the juxtaposition of old and new architecture with the ocean as an omnipresent backdrop:

Then I saw this:

That's right, Copenhagen has a Dubliner! I fit right in. I also fit right in because I visited in the middle of a schmuck-fest. Seriously, here's what I got with my lunch menu:

I think Copenhagen would be a better venue for a schmuck-off than a schmuck-fest, especially given the quality of the women and this "slutspurt" store:

But I'll let the Danes sort that out. Perhaps unsurprisingly, many men carry dip and the breakfast pastries were outstanding. I sampled many and here's my favorite, an apricot confection coated with previously unencountered delicious seeds:

Also excellent was the smoked salmon, which I ate on multiple occasions and which was always impressive. All other foods were made out of cow and they were not as impressive.

Copenhagen was a bit lacking musically. I should have done this, at a minimum for purposes of this post, but I didn't. Instead I went to a record store where they sold actual records. The first one I saw was, natch, this:

You can take the boy out of Teaneck ... anyway, the track listing on this set is impressive:

Less impressive was the rest of the store and its inordinate focus on metal:

In case you're curious, here's the #1 album in Denmark as of last week:

I did my due diligence on Denmark in Denmark and learned that the most famous Danish musical act is ... Aqua! "Who the fuck is Aqua?" you ask! This is Aqua:



Probably not up your alley. Also from Denmark and just as unbearable: Volbeat!



I'd wager that some of you enjoyed that jam; it might even be TR's ringtone. Somewhere in the middle is up-and-comer Carpark North:



Not exactly my kind of thing but it could have some mass appeal in the bland hinterlands of northern Virginia.

If you need one more reason to go to Denmark ... they love cosplay.

So there you have it, a ringing endorsement of all things Danish from the grumpiest guy you know.

Happy Labor Day

Labor Day in the United States, as you know, is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. Ironically, or perhaps fittingly, most of us try to spend it performing as little actual labor as humanly possible.

In that spirit, here's a post that required almost no effort. I promise Clarence that I'll do better soon.

As Labor Day signifies the effective, if not actual, end of Summer, Sirius XMU released Indie Summer Top 15 yesterday. Don't know if I agree with their number one, though the band did release some terrific stuff this summer - I'd have gone with 'Ya Hey' - but, hey, here you go:




Let's hear your favorite songs of Summer 2013 in the comments. I loved Haim's stuff, and Chvrches, too. And I confess that Blurred Lines is a guilty pleasure. What else?

Mats!

Paul Westerberg and Tommy Stinson played together for the first time in 22 years last Sunday. This qualifies as awesome. They'll play two more shows (Chicago, 9/15, and Denver, 9/22) as part of Riot Fest. They also just released a four-song EP entitled "Songs for Slim" to raise money for former guitarist Slim Dunlap, who suffered a stroke last year.



You can stream the entire set here. Pretty good way to recover from a hangover.

Danimal vs. Mark: CFB "To The Pain" Weekly Pick 'Em

"First things first, to the death."
"No. To the pain."
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Mark and Danimal, considering themselves some sort of college football gambling savants, have decided they want to do a weekly college pick 'em post. Who are we to turn down content, so what the hell...when will we ever be in Haiti again? Let's jump right in with the Week 1 picks:

First up, Winchester's finest, whose refusal to follow the rules laid out to him by myself and the diminutive dictator mean we need to post this before Friday night's action. Thanks, Danimal, you big jerk...

W&M + 32 at WVU
At the time of this selection, Thursday at noonish, the line on the W&M/WVU game is at 32. I really want to bet W&M. I hope they make it a game, but at 32…. I. Jes. Cah. Dew’h Capn! 35.5, sure. Despite the shitshow that is Dana Holgorson and all that comes with it, I have to go with the ‘eers. I think there is a great chance I will regret this. As of just the other day, the guy wasn’t even sure who he was going to start at QB. He said he doesn’t know who his team is yet. Throw in the fact they lost I don’t know, 40 points a game with the loss of Geno? Yeah, sure, I’ll take West Virginia.

Texas Tech -4.5 at SMU
I know virtually nothing about either of these teams but I think highly of June Jones. It’s a big home opener for the ‘Stangs with two relatively high-scoring teams. This is one of those quick-look gut bets that does wonders for a bookie’s income. A home dog with imo a better coach and a home opener….I am compelled to take SMU.

Temple +29.5 at ND
This is torturous. Whatever wagering “strategy” I take with the Irish each year, I lose. Pre 2012, I was almost always betting on ND against the spread. Last year, I did the opposite…. Both were poor decisions. Last year I didn’t care though b/c they were winning.
Here’s the dillio. I like Tommy Rees. Notre Dame is very fortunate that he is the go-to guy after Golson’s temporary vacation (he’s been suspended for the semester for “poor academic judgment”) You may not realize this, but Rees played in 11 of their games last year and if it weren’t for him, they likely would have lost 2-3 games prior to getting sodomized in South Beach. Their wins against Purdue, Stanford, and Michigan had a whole bunch to do with Tommy coming in as a relief guy to get moving what Everett couldn’t. He’s 14-4 as a starter. He’s a senior this year with some pretty impressive stats – 2nd all-time completion %’age in a season (65.5%); in 2011 he completed 135 consecutive passes without an INT, ironically; if he were to end his career today, he’d be the all-time completion percentage leader at ND. And no, that does NOT include the completions he has thrown to defenders. On the flip side, this same guy threw fourteen (14) INT’s during his 2011 season. I’m trying to remember how many times were in the red zone - it was somewhere between A LOT and WHY IS HE STILL PLAYING. It wasn’t less than 6 for sure and possibly as many as 8. He fumbled the ball 5 times. He was personally responsible for 19 turnovers. N-N-N-N-Nineteen. Nineteen. Somewhat in his defense, he was sacked 13 times and was rushed at least a bazillion. His decision making was let’s say, poor.
My stance at the beginning here was that until Tommy proves me wrong, he will keep the “Turnover” moniker and thus I can’t bet on him/them. But I talked myself out of it. Tommy is going to have a terrific game. He’s all growed up. Plus he has a top-5 defense, a solid receiving corp, and oh yeah, they’re playing Temple. Temple scores a trash touchdown at the end to lose 49-10.
No, no, no. Go with initial instinct. Make him prove you wrong! Remember Tulsa? South Florida? or was it Central Florida? How about the bowl game against FSU? Stinky. They will likely lose the turnover battle. Lose it by 1 and that’s possibly a 10-14 point swing. Ten points equals Temple covering!
Fuck that…it’s TEMPLE! They could lose the turnover battle by 3 but it won’t matter because Temple will not score more than 10 points!
Irish – 42-10. Final final.

And now on to the tattooed one's selections. See Danimal, your combatant actually picked all Saturday games. Thanks for coloring between the lines, Mark.

Toledo (+23.5) over Florida: I don't bet on Florida games. I'm already too invested in the result of a Gator Football game without having money riding on it. And I'd feel dirty if I bet against Florida. That doesn't mean you should feel bad about betting against my alma mater here. I've already expressed some of my concerns with the Gator offense in the G:TB comments but to sum it up, they're missing two starting OLineman and the only experienced tailback. Not a good recipe for any offense, much less one that wants to rely heavily on the running game. On top of that, Toledo returns 9 of 11 starters on offense, including a senior QB who threw for nearly 2,700 yards last year and a tailback that rushed for almost 1500 yards. I don't expect the Rockets to win, but I do expect this game to be fairly close late. Take the Rockets and those 23.5 points and make some drinking money for yourself.

Boise State (+3.5) at Washington: Washington just finished a multi-million dollar renovation project on Husky Stadium, which was already one of the most unique settings in college football. Now, its state of the art and unique. More importantly, Steve Sarkisian has the Washington Football program headed back towards the top of a suddenly very competitive and strong PAC-10 (the second best conference in the nation this year, in my opinion). After struggling to live up to lofty expectations last year, I expect both Washington and QB Keith Price to enjoy success this season. I just don't think they beat Boise in this spot. Boise and Chris Peterson live for these types of showcase games. And they don't get many chances at them. This is the game I'm most excited about on Saturday, which is too bad because there's a 99% chance I'll be hammered by the time this thing kicks off at 10 PM EST. I doubt I'll see the end of this one but I'll take Boise and the points.




Virginia Tech vs. Alabama: (-21): 21 points is a lot of points to lay for a neutral site game between two well known college football programs. That's not nearly enough to scare me off from Alabama. Alabama has been a wrecking ball in these season opening neutral site games. The Crimson Tide also have to best QB they've ever had under Nick Saban and the best collection of skill position players since they could trot out Mark Ingram, Trent Richardson and Julio Jones at the same time. In terms of depth, you could make the case that this group is even better. On the other side, Virginia Tech has never been known for their wide open offensive style. And while Logan Thomas has every physical tool you could ever ask for in a QB, he's not very good at actually playing QB. Alabama rolls.
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Bite Me, Randy Newman: Righting Wrongs

This blog has been in existence for nearly 10 years. We're nearing a million total views of the 2,726 posts we've published. And we owe the world an enormous apology.

HOW IN THE FUCK HAVE WE NEVER CELEBRATED TIM KURKJIAN?!?!?

There are very few people in any walk of life who love what they do more than Kurkjian. His devotion to baseball borders on obsessive - in fact, obsessives border on Kurkjianesque. From 1989 to 2010, he spent 15 minutes every morning clipping box scores from the newpaper and pasting them into notebooks. His giddy, lunatic exaltation ("Wes Littleton got the save!") after Texas' 30-3 win over Baltimore in 2007 is the stuff of legends. I daresay there aren't two dozen more Gheorghey people on the planet.



Kurkjian's passion for his work is enough by itself to make us like him, but he's also among the most self-effacing members of a press corps that's mostly anything but. Can you imagine Chris Berman allowing himself to be subjected to this:



And if that weren't enough, though he's a diminutive fellow, standing a sturdy 5'5", he's noted as a hard-nosed and more than decent basketball player. From 1986 to 1989, Kurkjian was a regular in Cal Ripken's legendarily serious pickup hoops runs. "The reason Cal invites me is that I always pass the ball to the open man," Kurkjian says. "Cal's like that, too. He always wants to get the job done, and he wants it done the correct way."

I'm reminded every time I hear Kurkjian's unique voice how much I enjoy and respect his approach. And more often than not, I'm moved to at least a smile. On Tuesday, I was moved nearly to tears of laughter, when ESPN's Scott Van Pelt dropped his well-honed Baltimore mock-accent on the unsuspecting Kurkjian. Fast forward to the 5:10 mark in this clip. It'll make you happy.

Our sincere, befuddled apologies to both Kurkjian and America for this egregious oversight.

And Bite Me, Randy Newman.

(In other BMRN news, 5'1" Canadian midfielder Diana Matheson of the Washington Spirit - number 9 in your program, number one in my daughter's heart - was named to the inaugural National Womens Soccer League Best XI after tallying 8 goals and 3 assists. I saw her slot a low-angled shot past Hope Solo to give the Spirit a 1-0 win over the latter's Seattle Reign. I think I heard her whisper to Solo, "Bite Me, Randy Newman", as she celebrated the game-winner.)

People of Rosslyn, VA: Please stop trying to poison rob

Seems someone in Rosslyn might be taking squirrel population control into their own hands, and that's not good news for our Tiny Dictator, who is unable to distinguish poison pills from nuts. The folks at the Ode Street Tribune blog are asking you, dear citizens of Rosslyn, to stop poisoning squirrels, Charles Bronson vigilante style.

Oh yeah, this quote cracked me up:

Squirrels face deadly attacks from hawks. Hawks face deadly attacks from their shadows in windowpanes. Don't add to the violence that already exists in the world.

All I'm saying is, you keep knocking off his kind, and rob's gonna send Moose and Rocco to rough you up...

Quick Hitters

On the eve of a new football season, FOG:TB and all-around Renaissance Man Dave Fairbank offers a preview of the Tribe's season-opener/couch-burner at West Virginia in today's Daily Press.

If you're looking for other great coverage of W&M Football, you've definitely come to the wrong place. May we commend to you, though, the really excellent work being done at Shades of 48, which is rapidly surpassing us as the leading W&M sports blog on the internet. Not the leading W&M hoops/dipshittery blog, though. No sir.

Happy 8/26!

From FOG:TB Shlara, a reason to celebrate:

The Tiny Dictator and Doofus Overlord have ceded the floor to me today, and I’d like to invite all of the Gheorghies and FOGTBs to celebrate 826 Day with me. 

 

Today is August 26^th (8/26), which is a special day for the 826National network. (FYI, this is nothing like 4/20, you degenerates…)

You’re not familiar with 826National, you say? Well, let me tell you about it…

Dave Eggers is not impressed with your apathy

826 is a nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting students ages 6-18 with their creative and expository writing skills, and to helping teachers inspire their students to write. The organization is based on the belief that great leaps in learning can happen with one-on-one attention and that strong writing skills are fundamental to future success. With this in mind, 826 provides after-school tutoring, story-telling and book-making field trips, evening and weekend writing workshops, in-school programming, help for English language learners, and student publishing opportunities, all free of charge. The programs are challenging and enjoyable, and ultimately strengthen each student’s power to express ideas effectively, creatively, confidently, and in his or her individual voice.

That sounds like the introduction to a grant letter, because it is. To get a more inspiring explanation of 826, I’ll let our founder tell you about it. If you don’t have 25 minutes now to watch Dave’s TED Prize speech, here’s the Cliff Notes version: 

It started when he was living in Brooklyn, a writer with an unconventional schedule and several friends who were teachers and educators.  There were a lot of kids in his neighborhood—many who came from disadvantaged homes—who needed some extra attention to perform better in school, and their parents either didn’t have the experience or bandwidth to support them.  So when Dave decided to relocate his publishing house, McSweeney’s, in San Francisco, he opened a multi-purpose space for writers and editors as well as a (free) tutoring center for neighborhood students. He found a building on Valencia Street in the Mission District, but there was one catch…the place was zoned for retail, so they had to set up some sort of store, to be in compliance with the regulations. The space was old and had a lot of character, and they realized that it kind of looked like the hull of a ship—so they decided to open a Pirate Supply Store complete with peg legs, hooks, leeches and planks sold by-the-foot. Right behind the Pirate Store, sat the tutoring center, and surrounding the center, the McSweeney’s staff desks. The Pirate Store piqued student’s curiosity, the free tutoring appealed to parents in the neighborhood, and Dave’s writer friends flocked to the space to volunteer. Students flourished and the center became a hipster landmark in the city.

The magic of 826 has spread to many U.S. communities and the network boasts eight official chapters so far: San Francisco, LA, Seattle, Chicago, Michigan—Ann Arbor & Detroit, Boston, New York/Brooklyn, and DC. There are also several international programs inspired by 826 (Australia, Sweden, Italy) and many more U.S. cities taking the steps to build an official 826 program in their community.

Creativity is what sets 826 apart from other writing and literacy organizations—you find it in the programs (songwriting workshops, poetry and novel-writing classes) and the people who get involved (Neil Gaiman, Christopher Hitchens, Fiona Apple, Zooey Deschanel (EDITOR'S NOTE: Wait, did you just say Zooey Deschanel?) and the events hosted by each chapter (Scrabble for Cheaters with Peter Dinklage, Books for Breakfast with legendary sportswriter Bob Ryan, Poker for Jokers with Ira Glass and Michael Ian Black, The Judd (Apatow) and Jon (Brion) Comedy & Music Hour featuring Peter Frampton, Colin Quinn and RZA). Each city’s center has the same whimsical approach, with a local twist (Robot Supply Store in Michigan, Superhero Supply Store in NYC, Time Travel Mart in LA), and all of the writing programs result in a published piece—even for the first-graders at Storytelling and Bookmaking field trips. 826 makes a measurable impact in student performance. And it changes students’ lives.

Hi, Zooey!

I was fortunate to discover the DC chapter several years ago, when they were testing the model as “Capitol Letters Writing Center.” Learned about it in Daily Candy, of all things. (If you don’t know what Daily Candy is…ask your wife.) Literacy has always been an important cause/issue to me, plus I’m one of those annoying do-gooders.  Over the years, I’ve volunteered as an adult literacy tutor (helping an adult learn to read is an incredible experience), served as an after-school tutor, weekly reading buddy and as a volunteer elementary school librarian. I created a massive reading incentive program for the Bullets/Wizards back in the day and even worked at a children’s literacy organization for a few years.  Safe to day, I know a little bit about this issue.  So it was really exciting for me to find an organization that is fresh and creative and just a little off-center, but yet completely substantive. I joined the board in 2011, and it’s one of the smartest decisions I’ve made in a while. The students constantly amaze me with their writing skills and I’ve been able to meet the most fascinating people—826 is like a magnet for creative nerdy types.

Literacy may not be your thing, but if it is, I want you to think about helping out the 826 chapter closest to you. Maybe it’s a donation of $8.26 each month for a year, maybe it’s attending one of the awesome events we host, or maybe you can spare some time to help out—volunteer with one of the writing or tutoring programs or provide some pro bono help (you’re all skilled in something).

And, if literacy isn’t your thing…go find your thing. Do something that makes an impact beyond yourself and your family. Give some serious thought to what matters to you, and where your talents/skills can be leveraged and then find something that matches. You don’t need to commit all of your free time, just some of it. And if you don’t have any free time, find time—this is important. Get involved. It’s time.

Monday Filler

 

Stole this from a friend's FB post a week or two ago. I chuckled. Though I think it should say, "Say You, Say Tea"



 

The Weenie Chronicles

In the second installment, we watch as our mild-mannered insurance salesman jumps out of an airplane and lands in front of 160,000 NASCAR fans and a live national television audience. It's a little bit badass.

It's Your Saturday, Not Your Lawn's

You ladies wanna see my lawn?

My family is tending our very first garden this summer, a 4x8' raised bed featuring tomatoes, cucumber, eggplant, green peppers, and a wide variety of herbs. With the exception of a pair of bewilderingly unproductive summer squash plants, our little plot has thrived. We eat something from our crop with nearly every dinner, and it sure looks like we'll have more tomatoes than we'll know what to do with in a few weeks.

All of this mini-farming has me spending a lot of time online these days seeking advice and ideas on all things green. In the past week, an inspired article caught my eye.

In addition to edible plants, I'm also fairly adept at growing things that cover my lawn. Is it my fault that many of these things aren't what mainstream suburbanites typically consider 'grass'? Crabgrass is green. Clover is green. Chives are green. Why the fuck are you looking down your nose at me because I don't give a rat's ass about your perfect zoysia carpet? Who do I look like, George Toma?

Now, thanks to the giant brains at Scientific American, I've got ammunition.

Author Ferris Jabr (note: may not be a real person, given that name) bought a new home last year, and set to creating the perfect American greenscape. Until he stood back and asked these critical questions:

Surveying my garden, my impulse to rip up a flowering cluster of so-called weeds and replace it with a monochromatic mat now struck me as somewhat selfish and completely uninspired. Given a plot of land beside one’s house to use as one wishes, why turn so much of it into a lawn? Why must a lawn consist solely of uber-green, short-cropped, nearly identical blades of grass? What is a lawn anyways?

Jabr goes on to answer the latter question with a deeply researched history of the American lawn. What was once symbolic of great wealth became a societal norm with the advent of the first planned communities in the late 1940s. Since then, an entire industry has arisen to goad us into believing that we're less than men if we can't grow and maintain lush turf, and HOAs across the land exist to ensure that we conform, or else. (Not mine, though. I'm the President. Because I don't want to live in a place with lawn nazis.)

The lawn of my dreams

But according to Jabr, "...the consequences of our obsession with pristine grass lawns may undercut any benefits. In addition to depriving both native pollinators and honeybees of wild habitat and food—and thereby threatening our agricultural system—lawncare guzzles water, spews smog and soaks the earth in potentially harmful chemicals."

In fact, Jabr continues, "A conventional lawn is also a complete perversion of grass’s typical life cycle."

His solution, and that of a growing number of scientists: flowering swards of low-growing broadleaf plants. As soon as I figure out what that sentence means, and convince my wife that I'm not a complete lunatic, I'll never mow a lawn again.

Friday Filler/Friday Night Fun

As most of you know, I live in a little beach town in Florida. It's perfect for me. I can walk two blocks east from my house to the Atlantic Ocean or go one block west and hit the Indian River (it's actually not a river but an Intracoastal Estuary, but whatever). The weather is generally pretty great and the lifestyle is laid back. One major drawback to where I live is that no good live music ever comes to town. When I was growing up The Wailers used to play a yearly show on the deck of one of the local beachfront hotels (where the Teej  & Mrs. Teej stayed earlier this year) and last year Fishbone played at a local bar, but by in large if you want to see any live music of renown you have to travel to Orlando, or farther.  As I've gotten older, I make it to less and less of these shows, especially if they occur during the work week.

Somehow, tonight is the exception to this rule. One of my favorite hip hop acts and one of the better live shows in hip hop, Atmosphere, is playing at an outdoor venue Cocoa Village as part of the Kickin' Up Dust Tour. Also playing will be Slighty Stoopid as well as West Coast underground hip hop stalwarts Eligh and The Grouch. I can't emphasize enough how rare this is, or how excited I am.

Atmosphere is a pretty unique group in hip hop. They hail from Minnesota and were one of the earlier underground/independent label hip hop groups to enjoy critical and (light) commercial success (They also had a distribution deal with Epitaph records at one point. A first for a rap group). The first time I heard Atmosphere was back in Gainesville when I heard The Woman with the Tattooed Hands.



It was, and still is, unlike any rap song I'd ever heard. From that point on, I tried to get my hands on any new music from Atmosphere. Then they released God Loves Ugly which still ranks as one of my all time favorite hip hop albums. Slug and Ant have somehow found a way to make "emo rap" without sounding like whiny complainers. If it sounds odd, that's because it is. It's different but very good. If you're in Minneapolis and they're playing (Rob) or they come to your town, I encourage you to check them out. And because it's Friday, here's one of my personal favorites that also happens to go well with most of our preferred Friday evening activity.



Enjoy the weekend, Gheorghies.

Clarence is right, this is very Gheorghey

Dueling banjos, via Funny or Die:

Steve Martin and Kermit the Frog in "Dueling Banjos" from Steve Martin

Not too shabby, fellas.

Metal Up Your Ass Wednesday (Evening) - Worlds Colliding Edition

Ever wondered what Pantera would have sounded like with David Allan Coe singing for them? If so, this is for you.  This is from 2006, but I just stumbled onto this yesterday (thank you for Liquid Metal, Sirius). 

David Allan Coe is no Phil Anselmo, but his country inclinations add an interesting twist to Pantera's southern-infused metal (they hail from the Dallas area).  The album was recorded in 2004, before ex-Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrell Abbott was murdered. 

As usual, I am wildly late to the party on something (just started getting into LCD Soundsystem this year), but this is fun enough to share, especially for those of us who used to wail out the lyrics to "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" at 1:55 AM at the Green Leafe in the mid-90's. 

Gheorghe or Not Gheorghe: A Debate

Please enjoy Nate Robinson's airport freestylings at this link. When you come back, we'll play point/counterpoint:

Point: Nate Robinson is a silly dude, which is pleasing to our sense of whimsy.

Counterpoint: Nate Robinson is goofing off in an airport, a place most people want to get the fuck out of as quickly and distraction-free as possible.

Discuss.