Sunday, September 08, 2013

Dropping Science, Art, and Pants

We welcome the National Football League back into our lives today, and prepare to surrender our Sundays to the self-serious pomp and pageantry orchestrated by its media partners. And while we celebrate the game and its attendant rituals, we at G:TB pause today to also pay homage to one of the NFL's under publicized sideshows. As we hunker down on our couches, in our bars, at our stadiums with grilled meats, rich cheeses, lagers, ales, chips, dips, and any number of other delicious and gastrointestinally punishing fare, let us today remember one of our own.

Gentlemen (ladies, you want no part of this), today we fart.

In his new book, Curious Behavior, Yawning, Laughing, Hiccuping, and Beyond, Robert R. Provine examines flatulation from both scientific and artistic perspectives. Provine, Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, confesses that he was initially skeptical of his subject matter.

"My foray into fart science is a bit timid. The mere inclusion of the topic threatens to lower my intellectual tone. A confluence of circumstances forced the subject on me.", explains Provine in an excerpt of his book presented in Salon.com. But Provine's no shrinking violet, and we as men are better for it.

His fart-based work ranges from the surprisingly sublime to the predictably ridiculous. Provine profiles Joseph Pujol, a Frenchman who performed at the famed Moulin Rouge under the stage name Le Petomane (translated as 'fartomatic'). Pujol was the most famous and highly compensated performer in Paris at his peak in the late 19th and early 20th century. I tried figure out how to paraphrase Provine's description of Le Petomane's act, but I don't know how to top this:
Le Pétomane’s act was full of novelty, comedy, and virtuosity. At his peak, Le Pétomane easily outearned the great actress Sarah Bernhardt, his closest contender. And what was the act of this artist who “pays no author’s royalties”? He would begin with a series of ordinary farts, describing each in turn— a little girl, a mother-in-law, a bride on her wedding night (weak) and on the morning after (loud), tearing cloth, cannon fire, and thunder. With a tube inserted in his rectum, he would smoke a cigarette or attach a flute and play tunes. But his real artistry was accomplished au naturel.

Le Pétomane’s repertoire included animal sounds— a rooster crowing, a puppy, a dog with its tail caught in a door, a blackbird, an owl, a duck, bees, a tomcat, a toad, a pig, and musical instruments including violin, bass, and trombone. The climax of Le Pétomane’s performance was a stirring rendition of “La Marseillaise” that brought down the house. He made audiences delirious with joy, writhing in their seats, tears streaming, with some fashionably dressed and corseted women so overcome that they were carried into hallways to be revived. Amazingly, no part of his performance was faked, as he once demonstrated in the nude before a panel of earnest and curious physicians.
The author's treatment of the subject is wide-ranging and thorough, spanning Roman laws against flatulence to detailed descriptions of the biological causes and variety of farts, and name-checking Louis Armstrong and Wynton Marsalis. Writes Provine with respect to the latter, "An adventurous musical acquaintance acknowledged that a tone can indeed be produced by farting into a trumpet, creating a middle C, but further details were not forthcoming from this wary pioneer of the butt-trumpet."

I bet Peter Konz can clear a room
Provine also digs into more sobering matters, explaining, "On a more serious note, a gassy gut can be fatal, as it was for a patient having a colonic polyp cauterized. An electric spark caused the patient’s bowels to detonate, blasting out the colonoscope and ripping a six- inch hole in the patient’s large intestine" In other words, gaaaaaah.

Humans aren't the only animals that fart, as anyone who's ever had a dog knows well. But Provine tells of a creature so advanced as to use ass-gas as a communications mechanism. "So far, signaling by fart is reported only in certain herring."

Which is a shame, because there will come a time this afternoon when Matt Ryan puts his hands under Peter Konz's taint and the Superdome crowd is in full throat, making verbal communication next to impossible. A well-timed burst of gas could speak volumes.

If only Ryan were an herring.

119 comments:

rob said...

wazzu beat usc last night? bwahahahaha.

zman said...

3 1/2 hours until the Doug Marrone era begins! Can't wait.

zman said...

What's the record for picks In a game, and by how many does Revis shatter it today?

Mark said...

I put a little something on Wazzu, replaced the Oklahoma pick in my actual bets. Danimal & I agreeing on that game worried me. Didn't think they'd win though. Wow.

Mark said...

Was at the gym and NFLCountdown was on the TV. Two thoughts:

- Is Cris Carter wearing his HOF jacket?

- I don't think Ray Lewis really wears glasses.

T.J. said...

twitter tells me ray lewis was acting all high and mighty about the aaron hernandez situation.

are you fucking kidding me with that shit?

T.J. said...

zman, I am starting the Bucs defense against my Jets this week...CANTWAIT for the Genochise to turn the ball over 5 times.

Marls said...

The twitters just advised that Weenie skydived into Zable for yesterday's W&M game.

T.J. said...

Jets 2013 season in two hashtags:

#Drowny4Clowney

#PlayDeady4Teddy

rob said...

weenie also just posted a picture of himself with richard petty on facebook. living large.

zman said...

The Bills committed a penalty before the first snap of the season.

zman said...

And Marrone tree the challenge flag after the second play of the season. I guess they only want to be uptempo on offense.

T.J. said...

The Titans began the year with a safety.

zman said...

And he lost the challenge.

zman said...

Ridley was ruled down by contact but he might have fumbled. The ball was clearly recovered by NE. Marrone still challenged. Not an auspicious beginning.

T.J. said...

Hahaha Lions

zman said...

Spiller turns it over on his second carry of the year. Curse of GTB lives.

zman said...

AP averaging 78 ypc on the season.

zman said...

EJ Manuel's second career pass was a deep duck that should've been intercepted. I'd rather have TJ than EJ right now. Not TJ Graham.

Marls said...

Tough start for Rob's Saints

zman said...

Three Buffalo penalties in 6:30 of play.

Mark said...

My early NFL gambling advice: Bet the over. Taking the over in Eagles/Skins, Saints/Falcons & Packers/49ers.

zman said...

Survivor is still a show? People watch it?

zman said...

Spiller averaging -1 ypr.

Mark said...

Lions-Vikings is an impressive battle of shitty/stupid play.

zman said...

I wouldn't trust Leodis McKelvin to return a bathmat at Bed Bath and Beyond. Why is he still returning punts?

T.J. said...

Mark, so is Stillers/Titans.

T.J. said...

Ridley with a Bills-like fumble.

zman said...

And it stands up on review! The Bills caught a break!!

T.J. said...

Manning scored 59 points for me Thursday night. And in going to lose this week.

rob said...

peyton manning is my fantasy qb. i'm going to lose this week. my opponent is going bonkers - peterson, a.j. green, wayne are killing me.

T.J. said...

Um, rob...

rob said...

whoa

zman said...

This is a disturbing exchange.

zman said...

Bills giving up 5.0 ypc, picking up where they left off. Danny Amendola is the new Fred Taylor.

Clarence said...

Bills!

Red Zone Channel on free preview of Sunday Ticket-- still great.

Clarence said...

3 safeties early in Week 1. ESPN uses "Safety Dance" somewhere in recap. Assured.

Mark said...

I'm so offended. Amendola isn't half the player Fred Taylor was. And the Bills are winning! EJ Manuel doesn't look awful!

zman said...

Amendola and Taylor have similar groins.

Mark said...

You're the male groin expert around here, Z.

Mark said...

So Terelle Pryor ISN'T awful?

zman said...

Groin is my middle name. Brady's upcoming 98 yard 12 minute drive is going to be painful.

zman said...

Buffalo got their SECOND 12 men on the field penalty.

T.J. said...

Fred Jackson outscoring Spiller. Lovely.

mayhugh said...

Carolina continues its absolutely awful record in close games.

And I'm really rooting for the Jets to bet Reavis.

Clarence said...

Bills fans already know the Pats will score here. Foregone conclusion.

zman said...

Marrone doesn't understand how to run the clock out.

zman said...

Mario Williams' super-power is invisibility.

zman said...

Oh there he is. So fucking lackadaisical when the run goes to the other side.

zman said...

Moronic timeout.

Clarence said...

Sorry, Z. Sucks.

Mark said...

Sorry, Z.

zman said...

They called a screen?

Mark said...

Jinx, Clarence. You owe me (a) coke.

T.J. said...

Fucking Jets.

T.J. said...

Bucs defender soooooo dumb

T.J. said...

Oh my. Jets. Super Bowl bound.

Clarence said...

Trumping the stupid play made by the idiot Bengal earlier. Morons ruling the day.

Mark said...

Fucking Bucs.

Mark said...

Texas fired Manny Diaz, their D coordinator. Thanks to USC & Texas for making me feel Bette about the Gators.

Clarence said...

Are "Gators" boobs? That's a new one.

zman said...

Serena is seeing for her 17th major. Barring injury it looks like she should pass Graf's 22. She's a force of nature right now.

zman said...

And she just got broken. I know nothing.

rob said...

teej, you see that nascar is looking into late-race chicanery that may have helped the michael waltrip team get martin truex into the chase? what did you see, and when did you see it?

mayhugh said...

Breaking Bad = Still Awesome.

Mark said...

That's the truth, Mayhugh. I had to rewatch the last scene.

rob said...

i don't know if any of you have seen the video of the 'foul' that got matt besler a yellow card against costa rica and subsequently suspended from tomorrow's match against mexico, but it's some egregious divey shit.

Mark said...

The Roots & Elvis Costello recorded a soundtrack for a made up blaxploitation film. It's streaming on NPR:

http://say.ly/ocr6GV5

rob said...

turn that shit into a post! postcount!

Mark said...

I'm driving on the highway. That's not safe, Rob.

rob said...

excellent point. my bad.

Squeaky said...

I'm delivering training to a group within UMUC (U. of MD, University Campus) today through Wednesday. Boring for you all and no big deal but they cancelled Monday night classes for all students.

The reason: Monday night football game between Skins and Eagles. The stadium is less than a mile away from campus and they are worried about traffic. Is this bush-league or what?

rob said...

no, it's pretty smart. that area is a shitshow after skins games.

zman said...

I would say bush league but for the fact that night classes are typically for commuters. If it's just a night class for resident students (like my old Organic Chemistry II lab from 6-9 pm) then it's bush league.

mayhugh said...

I can't believe how scared I am going in to this game. I'm nervous just watching RGIII in warmups. I don't know if I can take this for a substantial part of the season (hopefully).

mayhugh said...

Is Trent Dilfer trying to look like Pitbull?

mayhugh said...

Robert Griffin just compared how he feels tonight to Will Smith in Hitch. And it almost worked.

mayhugh said...

Ryan Kerrigan is a point machine. Sucks for the D, though. They have to get back on the field.

T.J. said...

Rough start for the Skins offense. Yikes.

Squeaky said...

Sitting in cafe and wingery (is that word) in Largo, MD. Zmam and Mark would like the beats they are dropping during commercial breaks. I'm out of my element. But digging the music. And two for one Bud Margarita's which look nasty.

mayhugh said...

Not what they needed. They need a 9 minute drive.

mayhugh said...

This game has been on for an hour and we're not out of the first quarter.

mayhugh said...

WHAT THE FUCK

Clarence said...

This version of the Slins feels like home. Crappy, sucky home.

Marls said...

Daddy only beats you because he cares

T.J. said...

At this pace, game will be over by 11:30. It started at 7.

Clarence said...

Old man take a look at my life

mayhugh said...

I'm going to the gym at 9, which should be around half time. This is freaking agonizing.

Clarence said...

Watching the Eagles reminds me of a movie rec: Silver Linings Playbook. Worthy.

Clarence said...

Also, watching this version of dropback RGIII is like watching Rocky not go southpaw in Rocky II. Without the great jabs. Or Rick Vaughn in ML2 or Indiana Jones when he was under the spell in Temple of Doom. I hope we revert to the offense that is dangerous and effective.

mayhugh said...

The only thing that can make this better (i.e. worse) is Griffin taking things into his own hands and ripping up his knee.

T.J. said...

Skins defenders faking injuries like the Italian mens soccer team.

Clarence said...

Yep yep. Game on.

mayhugh said...

Alright, let's get some offense going.

mayhugh said...

If they are playing like a Rocky movie, I hope this drive is the "What are we waiting for" part of Rocky II.

mayhugh said...

Wait, when did Griffin take his brace off?

T.J. said...

I mean, if you're not gonna even cover guys...

mayhugh said...

or block them...

T.J. said...

So glad I drafted Spiller over McCoy.

mayhugh said...

I already hate Chip Kelly and his stupid faces.

Squeaky said...

Just realized it's two for one on all drinks at this place. Even on the Abita's I'm drinking. And someone just won the 1st quarter pool. Did not know gambling was legal in bars in MD. And the more they play music for every commercial break the more the concept grows on me. I don't get out much.

mayhugh said...

This is sickening.

T.J. said...

Wow. This is ugly.

Jerry said...

Damn I wish Chip Kelly went somewhere else. I love this. It's awesome. If this were outside the NFCE they'd immediately be my #2 team.

Jerry said...

Oregon is going to take over the world.

T.J. said...

Man, even Cobra Kai is failing tonight.

Jerry said...

And they're still going with tempo. It's fantastic. Open field, McCoy, Vick, Jackson. I need to take a shower.

Mark said...

Of course McCoy is going to be awesome this year. And Spiller is going to run for 800 yards. Chip Kelly is fun. Glad the Bucs missed on him and hired Schiano.

Mark said...

Squeaky- bars often run drink specials for MNF. People like to go out and watch football. Glad you're getting to experience it.

Mark said...

So we're all just cool with looking the other way on JJ Watt eating HGH for breakfast, right?

Shlara said...

Teej--there's some controversy with that NASCAR race you attended on Saturday. Someone manipulating the outcome? Smells like pro wrestling...

T.J. said...

Yep. Some serious shenanigans going on...

zman said...

FYI, there was a tennis match tonight. It was pretty fair until the third set when Nadal somehow or other demolished Djokovic's will to live from 60 feet away, then cruised through the 4th set for the Dubya.

amanda young said...

I agree with that.. Its gonna be good record..amanda vanderpool model

T.J. said...

Hello Gheorghies. This Chris Berman guy kinda sucks, eh?

T.J. said...

Go away, Amanda.

Clarence said...

Hi, Teej. Berman/Dilfer is a treat.

T.J. said...

They make me miss the Mike and Mike...and Mike...booth.

T.J. said...

Philip Rivers giveth, and he taketh away.