Sunday Filler

Nobody loves Cocaine Bear more than me. But we needed something new here at G:TB for an NFL Sunday that, frankly, is kind of bland. Well, at least until you get to the Patriots-Broncos game at 4:15 which might actually break the internet. Hopefully Al Gore is on call.

A couple days ago, an email conversation between TJ, Rob and I (I know! The Tiny Dictator AND the Doofus Overlord. I felt pretty important for a few minutes there.) eventually led to mention of the Avis "Stack Cheese" commercial. Of course, TJ immediately went and looked it up and sent us a link. Not surprising. What was a surprise was the Teej saying he'd never seen said commercial. What a shame.

Then it occurred to me that some other members of the G:TB family may have somehow missed out on the comedic brilliance of this commercial. If you have, you don't have to live in the dark anymore.

Exquisite Filler

I think we know why Sam Hurd was moving so much weight.  And I can't believe it's taken this long for us to conceive this post.

RIP, Christopher Hitchens

Hitchens wrote with a pair of giant balls*, constantly swimming against the tide of conventional thinking. If you read enough of his work, you were certainly offended at some point, though you were undoubtedly enlightened at other times.

Professional writers will do a much better job over the next few days elucidating his impact, so I will endeavor instead to direct you all to some of his work so you can decide for yourself. So may I suggest you all go to this site, should you want to read some of his best work for Slate.

Cancer sucks. Hitchens' recent comments that he wanted to be awake when dying to make sure he fully participated in the full spectrum of the human life cycle show his determined spirit amid a grim prognosis.

*not meant literally, because that would be gross and less efficient. I'm pretty sure he wrote with fingers, using pens, pencils and modern technology.

Cleveland Does Not Rock

I was in Cleveland for work on Tuesday and found out it most certainly does not rock. That Drew Carey is full of shit.

The two videos below sum up the city fairly well.

Here's the first. It is not as funny as the second, but it allows embedding.

The second video can be found here.

This Week in Wrenball: As You Wish

As Tony Shaver's band of merry men find themselves mired in the fire swamp of a promising season turned into an Asian land war, close observers of the program blame a combination of early-season injuries and a crisis of confidence.  Tonight's contest against Division III Wesley (or, as they're known more familiarly, Dread Pirate Roberts) may well be an opportunity for the reeling Wrens to take a baby step in the right direction.

W&M comes off a much-needed 12-day layoff nursing a 1-8 record and wounds associated with a pair of 'to the pain' whippings at the hands of Richmond and Georgia State. It says something (and not something good) about the Tribe's season that the early media notes for tonight's game focus on W&M's free-throw shooting acumen - W&M is 3rd in the CAA and 64th in the nation with a 72.6% success rate. Soon, the SID will be handing out participation medals and halftime snacks. Anybody want a peanut?

The Tribe follows up tonight's game with a trio of out of conference tilts, heading to Columbia, MO to take on Missouri before coming home to face a tough Iona squad and traveling to take on Miami (OH) before New Year's Day.  Think they'll head into conference play in January on an upswing? It'll take a miracle.

In other CAA news, this week's CAA Bloggers poll finds VCU consolidating its hold on first place after an impressive home win over Richmond. Let it be known that G:TB was the first blog to give the Rams the nod for the top spot.

1. VCU (9)
2. George Mason (2)
3. Georgia State
4. JMU
5. ODU
6. Drexel
7. Delaware
8. Northeastern
9. UNCW
10. Hofstra
11. William & Mary
12. Towson
(first place votes in bold)

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Five

On the fifth day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Five Awesome Gifts
Four Smokin' Rock Chicks
Three Blogging Concepts (Sports, Drinking, Elitism)
Two Footie Stories
And a Doofus on a Pony

A popular moniker for this time of year is 'the season of giving'. And that, to a certain extent is true. But, we all know that Christmas (or in in this case Gheorghe-mas) is often about getting as well, especially for kids. With that in mind, I thought I'd run down my Top 5 favorite Christmas gifts of all time.

5. Limited Edition Michael Jordan Silver Basketball - I was not a huge Michael Jordan fan as a child. I tended to lean more towards players with whom I could identify in some way. Smaller guards, white guys, etc. It wasn't that I didn't respect Jordan. I did. He was the finest basketball player of the era and eventually became universally acknowledge as the greatest basketball player in NBA history. That wasn't the only thing he was the greatest at though. Jordan was also the greatest celebrity endorser of all time. How else do we explain a man who hasn't played professional sports in nearly a decade still selling shoes, underwear and numerous other products? Not surprisingly, Jordan also endorsed a line of basketballs. My love for basketball truly blossomed in junior high and it was during this time that I asked for (and received) a limited edition silver basketball from Spalding, or Wilson or whatever company Jordan was endorsing at the time. The brand isn't important. Frankly, neither is the fact that Jordan signature was screen printed on it. This was a really nice basketball, and it looked cool as hell.

In terms of hours used, this was probably the #1 present I ever received. Did I mention how cool it looked? (Unfortunately I couldn't find a picture of it).

4. As anybody who follows this blog, or my twitter feed (@BadNewsHughes), knows, I am a lifelong St. Louis Cardinal fan. My entire immediate family other than myself was born in St. Louis and the large majority of my extended family still reside in the greater St. Louis metropolitan area. So, it should come as no surprise that I was an enormous Ozzie Smith fan as a kid. He's still probably my favorite athlete of all time (and possibly a large reason why I have worn a beard for much of my adult life, possibly). It was a perfect match really. He was a short, fast, slick fielding shortstop who struggled at the plate. I was all these things as well. Though, I certainly hit worse and fielded the position of shortstop a little less slickly. Nevertheless, I craved all things Ozzie as a kid. Baseball cards, posters, jerseys, anything. Now, if you can remember back to the mid-1980s you'll recall a short-lived craze of player specific wristbands that featured the ubiquitous slogan of the day, 'Say No to Drugs' (A quick aside: Darryl Strawberry wore two of these wristbands, nice.). These were all the rage for a season or two and seemingly every marquee player (and some average players too) had their own which featured a stitched likeness of themselves along with a stitched in signature. These wrist bands were large, very hard to find and (in the mind of a 10 year old kid) really, really fucking cool. So you can imagine my excitement when one these showed up on the Christmas tree on Christmas morning in 1987:



3. Liquor: Seriously, who doesn't like liquor. If you're ever in the market for a Christmas gift for me, you can't go wrong with liquor. Or a bag of papal ballots.

2. I was a late comer to the game of basketball. My father played soccer in college and I was a Cardinal and baseball card fanatic as a child. So, soccer and baseball were the chosen sports of my early youth. Somewhere around the 8th grade I fell completely in love with basketball. I had played a little bit of city rec league basketball up to this point, but really only to keep myself busy (and because I loved, and still do love, athletic competition). Yet, for whatever reason, that all changed in 8th grade. I stopped playing every other sport and focused solely on basketball. It consumed me. So much so, that my parents later had to make up a basketball curfew for me. 10 pm on the weekdays and 11:30 on the weekends, lest our neighbors call the police to put a stop to the constant rhythm of a bouncing basketball that was keeping them awake. Other than the curfew though, my parents couldn't have been more supportive. Though I'm sure it broke my old man's heart a little to see his son give up soccer, a game he was more naturally talented at than basketball, he never once uttered a word of complaint or protest. In fact, he went the other way. Attaching floodlights to the house to give me better lighting for shooting, and even going behind my Mom's back to help me spray paint a bright red 3-point line on our otherwise spotless driveway. To put it simply they supported me endlessly without being overbearing. And nothing embodied this support more than when, during Christmas morning of that 8th grade year, I opened an envelope to discover that my parents were sending me to the Carolina Basketball School. They could've easily sent me to the camp put on by the local D-2 school, or even to some other smaller Florida schools like Stetson or UCF. But they didn't. They knew my heart was set on Chapel Hill. So they ponied up the money. Even offered to drive one leg of the trip (with Greg's Mom driving the other…while she made us listen to SAT vocabulary tapes), and did so happily. I guess you could say I rewarded them by never falling out of love with basketball and working my ass off to improve as the years passed, but that never really mattered to them. They just loved seeing their son love something so fully and purely. My week in Chapel Hill at the Carolina Basketball School still ranks as one of the greatest weeks of my life. (plus, I got two of the awesome Carolina Basketball School shirts that Mike D is rocking in this video)



1. Each Christmas since I've become an adult, I have made a habit of buying myself a Christmas gift. There are two reasons for this practice. A: I like me, and B: I know what I want. And since I know what I want for Christmas, I always ensure myself of getting at least one thing that I want for Christmas. In fact, I've already gone ahead and purchased a gift for myself this year. Some people have said to me that this practice is anti-Christmas and that by buying myself a gift, I am missing the point. These people can blow me where the pampers is. I will buy myself whatever I damn well please. It's Christmas and it's my fucking money. Anywho, since I know what I want for Christmas, it should come as no surprise that my all-time favorite Christmas gift came from me. This gift was none other than my eldest dog, Tinsley. Tinsley's parents were owned by two of my closest friends and he was born on November 28, 2001. I didn't actually see (or name) Tinsley until mid-December when I returned home from Gainesville after completing exams. I spent much of that Christmas break helping take care of Tinsley and his 9 siblings and then, at the end of Christmas break, brought this 6 week old puppy back to Gainesville with me. Tinsley was not my first dog, but he was the first dog that I had purchased, owned and solely taken care of. Tinsely's recently turned 10. He's far less active (Ask Geoff about Tinsley as a puppy. I'm pretty sure he still has nightmares.) and far more grey than he once was, but he's still the best dog and the best Christmas present I've ever received.

Worlds Collide, You Write the Caption

Official G:TB muse (Gheorghe Muresan) meets official G:TB punter (Zoltan Mesko) and official G:TB tiny dictator (rob). Or something like that. I'll let you write the caption.

Parental Advisory

My kids have been holy hell on wheels over the past month or so. Fortunately, they're a bit more naive than Dave's miscreants.  They got the following letter in the mail today, and believed every word:

Elf Laboratory Behavioral Observation Workgroup (ELBOW)

Santa’s Workshop, North Pole, NP

December 12, 2011

Katy & Reilly

Dear Katy & Reilly:

 

As you know, the Elf Laboratory Behavioral Observation Workgroup (ELBOW) is responsible for monitoring the behavior of children across the globe to ensure that Santa’s sleigh is packed with the appropriate gifts.  In most cases, ELBOW simply observes and does not communicate with individual children.  However, each year, ELBOW finds it necessary to reach out to certain children to ensure that they understand the importance of their actions. Usually, this happens when children who are usually on the ‘NICE’ list behave in a manner that places them in jeopardy of placement on the ‘NAUGHTY’ list.

We regret to inform you that ELBOW has observed both of you exhibiting an increasing incidence of the following negative behaviors:

·       Yelling at each other and your parents;

·       Not listening to your parents and not doing what you are asked when you are asked; and

·       Being mean to each other.

Please consider this letter a warning. If your behavior does not improve between now and Christmas Eve, ELBOW will be required to inform Santa’s Sleigh Loading Team that you have been naughty, and that the required actions should be taken with respect to your presents.  Santa very much wants to visit your house and bring you the gifts his team has selected specifically for you, but his visit to your house is entirely dependent upon your behavior.

Fortunately, you have the power to influence ELBOW’s recommendation in this matter. Simply begin behaving in the polite, positive, and cheerful manner ELBOW knows you are capable of behaving, and ELBOW will once again recommend that you be included on the list of nice children.  Please feel free to write me or Santa at the address above should you have any questions or wish to let us know how you plan to address the concerns in this letter.

Thank you for your attention to this matter, and have a Merry Christmas.

Sincerely,

RUDYARD EARTOPS

Rudyard Eartops

Chief, ELBOW Communication Branch

Tony Hawk Filler

This is why we need a Gheorghe-mas Day 5, and fast:

Daddy Was a Bankrobber

Moran Cerf is a noted neuroscientist and thinker of big thoughts. He's also a bankrobber.  My Christmas wish is for Dave to do something like this. Enjoy.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Four

On the fourth day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Four Smokin' Rock Chicks 
Three Blogging Concepts (Sports, Drinking, Elitism)
Two Footie Stories
And a Doofus on a Pony

Our love of rock babes is reasonably well documented. From Neko to Jenny Lewis to Feist, Zooey Deschanel, and Avril Lavigne, we're suckers for a pretty girl with a little bit of attitude and a microphone.  For Gheorge-mas this year, we give you a quartet of ladies (a sextet, if you count each of Pistol Annies - heh heh, he said 'sextet') who brought it in 2011.

We first heard of Dum Dum Girls when they covered The Smiths' There is a Light That Never Goes Out. The pleasure and privilege was ours when we heard more of their stuff.  Here's 'Bedroom Eyes', a whole different perspective of life on the road.



The Givers play unapologetic bubblegum pop music, and Tiffany Lamson makes me feel kinda funny, like when I'm climbing the rope in gym class.



St. Vincent, aka Annie Clark, has the kind of voice that makes a strong man stop in his tracks. Or so I assume. It makes a lesser man like me sit down and take a deep breath.



Finally, the Pistol Annies are a trio of lady badasses, including Miranda Lambert of Gunpowder and Lead fame. Please, Annie, don't hurt 'em.

This Week in Wrenball: The Healing

Old friend Dave Fairbank* of The Daily Press takes Tribe head man Tony Shaver's temperature today and finds the coach surprisingly sanguine. Says Shaver, “I’ve said it before, but I really like this group. What I would hate to be in is a position where so many things have gone wrong that I don’t enjoy going to practice every day. But I really like this group. They give an honest effort, and we all feel like it’s going to turn for us.”

Shaver's optimism is based in large part on Quinn McDowell and Tim Rusthoven finally recovering from injuries that have kept both from playing to their full potential to date.  Having the two vital contributors able to fully practice has given the Wrens more in-squad continuity, though they've yet to test it against real-game bullets.

We want to believe, but we're reeling from back-to-back 30-point waxings at the hands of Richmond and Georgia State. As a wise, wise man once said, "lotta ball left".  We're going to take deep, cleansing breaths for the rest of the calendar year lest we sprain something and pray to the god of shooter's rolls that the turning of the calender page will mean good things for the Tribe.

In the meantime, here are the the results of this week's CAA Bloggers Poll, where several others have joined yours truly in backing VCU as the league's top team:

1. VCU (3)
2. Mason (4)
3. ODU (1)
4. JMU (1)
5. Georgia State
6. Northeastern
7. Delaware
8. Drexel
9. Hofstra
10. UNCW
11. William & Mary
12. Towson
(first place votes in bold)

* Fairbank probably doesn't remember it, but we shared several beers at Paul's Deli after the final game of the Tribe's miserable 5-6 1991 campaign. He, the veteran scribe, me the young W&M Sports Information Office intern, and a passel of other ink-stained wretches. We're pretty tight.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Three

On the third day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Three blogging concepts (Sports, Drinking, & Elitism)
Two Footie Stories
And a Doofus on a Pony

Remember the first week of December a year ago? Whew. It was enough to wear some folks out. What a week + Tribe playoffs.

Friends, Gheorgheans, blogophiles, lend me your eyes;
I come to praise Jerry’s Wheelhouse, not to bury them.
The blogging that men do lives after them;
The snarky snideness is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Geoff and Jerry.

Let it be taken as a compliment that, for as many epithets as G:TBers hurled at the Wheelhouse through the years, the majority of the staff continues to inquire about the extended absence / early retirement of our counter-blog. The latter half of last year saw the tandem blogcycle featuring Geoff and Jerry begin to slow, but their December 4, 2010 random-post-as-epilogue stunned the local ‘sphere. Where as Rob and I shuttered Misery Loves Company in 2009 with an end-of-the-baseball-season adieu we hoped would bookend our seven years of chronicling, you don’t often hear farewell speeches that close with:

“We might also see some wildcat with QB/WR DJ Mangas behind center.”

It certainly left some questions unanswered. While other FOG:TB blogs like What Mark Is Doing, Drunk and Stupid, Dave’s Quote of the Day, and that fortnight of vitriol Hot Action ran their course and faded out appropriately, the Wheelhouse went out on their own terms, or at least their own wives’/TV addictions’ terms. While it wasn’t exactly like the cancellation of “Arrested Development” or “Family Guy,” I’d say it was at least like “Sports Night” or “My So-Called Life.” Or “Post.” A little premature.

And so we look back and salute our blogrades. Hip, hip, hoogay. (That was from Mark.)

Jerry’s Wheelhouse began as inconspicuously as Jerry himself, conceived on a hot, drunken Saturday night in August in a sweaty, suburban apartment. In one concise, inaugural post, however, he managed to (a) reverse the Curse of the Bambino and (b) set the stage for what the next six years of Wheelhouse posts would bring: pissed off people writing about watching sporting events on television and drinking, mostly making fun of everyone involved. And being thoroughly contrarian. The formula was set, and it worked.

There were digressions from this established mean, of course. Political ramblings. Hookup stories (usually someone else’s). Pictures of hot chicks. Pictures of Wheelhousers in mustaches riding motorbikes in Greece with other guys. Attempts to start new blogs and petitions to do even more. (Aborted attempts.) There was even an attempt to form a Justice League America superblog that would team several Gheorghers (like Superman, Batman, and the Atom) with the Wheelhouse duo (Robin and Black Lightning). It was to be called DNP: Coach’s Decision, and there was even a rough cut of the new website. Like many of our endeavors, it was a dodo, flightless and doomed to extinction.

In the end, these heat of the moment side projects were nothing more than Asia compared to the regular, roundabout output of Yes that the good people of Jerry’s Wheelhouse brought us. Who can forget these classics?

• Jerry explains European soccer. In plain English.
• Geoff made the Skins fans among us laugh and wince with the Top 100 Embarrassments of Daniel Snyder. (Somewhat aped by the CityPaper years later.)
• Geoff recounts mayhugh’s wing-eating extravaganza.
• Jerry displays football genius in articulating what no football commentator pointed out.
• Then Jerry isn’t so prescient. (But he wasn’t terribly wrong in the specifics.)
• And finally, Geoff’s masterstroke, his What’s Now post.

Though we tend to rag the Wheelhouse (aka “The Birdcage”) like fraternity brothers do, that the G:TB staff compiled those selections from memory speaks to the regard in which we hold these dudes and their entertaining works. (That we went to extraordinary lengths to rattle the ‘cage, even creating a fake blog and bloggers to take them down a few pegs . . . well that says something, too, I guess.)

There were the recurring segments – the Ryder Cup previews, the counterpoints on the Mets, the anti-homerism on the Redskins, and the football picks, which we looked forward to each week. Always worth a few chuckles. And then we at Gheorghe challenged Geoff and Jerry to a picks contest, on which we had no business winning.

The comments kept us involved, sometimes too much so. In some cases, the comments were fodder for more creativity than the original post.

In the end, it was a place where relatively like-minded people kept us entertained. For me, a guy who doesn't visit that many commentary websites or listen to "talk radio," it was one of a few places where I get insight, laughter, and statistics. And fashion tips. (Brown shoes with blue suit?) Losing it was like losing CBS back in the days of the three networks, two independents, and 95 channels of static. Not good.

When pressed for quotes on our missing chums over at the Wheelhouse, Team G:TB had this to say in tribute:

"The Wheelhouse . . . canned beer taste in the bottle world of blogging. Delicious."

"I'll never have an issue with a man who personally knew Big John Studd."

"The Wheelhouse is gone??"

"One man writes on a couch, in a Giants starter jacket with Haddaway blaring in the background. And with it, the Wheelhouse begins. In comes Geoff, the Brooks Brothers-clad Felix Unger to Jerry's Oscar Madison. Magic was made, words with written (in some order). Since 2004, they have been the Ace and Gary of our blogging universe. Good bye Wheelhome, you are missed. All you did was weaken a country today, Jerry and Geoff. (well, you did this a year ago, so actually, thanks a lot for all the shit this nation has gone through in the past 12 months)"

"They're in a better place now. Buried at Arlington."

"Beneath that veneer of subtle contempt, often-brilliant analysis, and contrarian worldview, I always thought the Wheelhouse was a cry for help. I hope those guys found what they were looking for."

"As for me, you may ask how I will remember them, what I thought of them. Unfortunately there I run out of words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn to the words of another splendid bugger who reminds me of them in his buggery: W.H. Auden. This is actually what I want to say: 'Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood; For nothing now can ever come to any good.'"

"Jumped the shark in '07, really. But oh, yes, when the writing was in their . . . uh . . . really good place for excelling at it . . ."

"Two great tastes that go great together."

"We are gathered here today to pay final respects to our honored dead. And yet it should be noted, in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life, the sunrise of a new world; a world that our beloved comrades gave their life to protect and nourish. They did not feel this sacrifice a vain or empty one, and we will not debate their profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of our friends, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, theirs were the most... human."

"Sports, Drinking, & Elitism . . . yep."

Some special words. Here's to six years of friends writing stuff about stuff.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Two

On the second day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Two Footie Stories
And a Doofus on a Fake Pony

There's not much to recap from Day One, which appears to be a photo of a constipated Irishman straining to defecate behind a piece of plywood with a hole in it. I can't match that, but I can preview an interesting week of red hot footie action.

The two stories are the divergent paths Manchester City are taking in the two most prominent competitions in which they are participating - the Premier League and the Champions League. In the Premier League, Man City has been pretty much unstoppable, having earned 38 of 42 possible points through fourteen matches. They have a 5 point lead over Manchester United, but a larger psychological lead after they destroyed Man U 6-1 at Old Trafford in October.

The team has an embarrassment of riches in terms of talent, with a deep arsenal of strikers (apologies for the lame pun) that has more than withstood the petulance of Argentinian striker Carlos Tevez (who pulled this nonsense earlier this fall). The team has a world class goalie in English national team keeper Joe Hart and top-notch midfielders in Frenchman Samir Nasri and Spaniard David Silva. Owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan and his $4.9 billion net worth seem to have an insatiable appetite for high-priced players, much like my appetite for Cheez Whiz. He's like the Daniel Snyder of the Middle East, but much much much much much much more successful.

The newest and most exciting of the team's strikers is 20 year-old Mario Balotelli, a Ghanian immigrant who is exceptionally gifted. And batshit crazy. Here's a picture of his girlfriend. She seems nice.

Below are two YouTube clips to present the man in full. But before you read those, read here to learn about the fireworks display he set off in his own bathroom that resulted in a call to the local fire department. You can also read a more heartwarming story here about the time he convinced a young boy to get into his Ferrari (much better than it sounds).





While the team appears to be cruising in the EPL, it is struggling mightily in the UEFA Champions League and is unlikely to escape the group stage of 32 this week and advance to the knockout stage. For a club that is one of the top five in the world (and may arguably be the second-best), to fall on their face this week is a major embarrassment, though one whose pain could be allayed by continued EPL success.

Man City plays in Group A against Italian squad Napoli (2-1-2, 7 pts), Spanish squad Villareal (0-5, 0 pts) and Bayern Munich (4-1 11 pts). Man City has a 2-2-1 record, which puts them in third place with 7 pts. They need to climb past an inferior Napoli this week. However, Napoli plays at pathetic Villareal, while Man City has to host Bayern Munich. Man City needs a miracle tie or win from the Spaniards, who have been outscored 12-2 in aggregate over their first five matches. They also need to beat a quality German side, although it is one that will not likely field their best side, as they have locked up the right to advance.

Many of the sixteen remaining Champions League games from the group stage will be broadcast on the Fox Soccer Channel tomorrow and Wednesday. The Group A matches air on Wednesday.

Bonus soccer news: Clint Dempsey scored the only goal on Monday as Fulham upset Liverpool. The win keeps Fulham ahead in the battle to avoid relegation. Dude continues to be a solid EPL player.

Bonus soccer blog recommendation: sign up to get Grantland Network's Men in Blazers podcast. Two guys talk weekly on the EPL, the Champions League and the US and English national teams. Both are Brits, although one has lived much of his life in the US. The guys are very knowledgeable and do not at all take themselves seriously. Extremely entertaining. Here is a link to their tumblr site, although I'll admit I don't know what a tumblr is. It appears to be missing an e.

Bonus Balotelli girlfriend photos: Here are two of an old flame, Melissa Castagnoli. She seems nice too.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas are back

That's right, our highly successful faux holiday has returned. Though this year more than ever it seems destined to not make it a full twelve days. Sit back, relax, throw on some "Christmas Shoes"...and let your Gheorghe-mas begin:

On the first day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me... 
One Doofus on a Fake Pony

Can someone start working on a Day 2 now? Thanks.

Festive Friday Filler

Enjoy this holiday clip while the G:TB braintrust attemps to get their heads out of their asses in time to prepare this year's Gheorghe-mas feast. We have some especially fun stuff in line this year, if we ever start actually working on it. You could say we have top men working on it...top. men.

G:TB Works the Poll

The legend of G:TB appears to be spreading. We were approached last week by Mat Shelton of VCU Ram Nation to participate in a CAA Bloggers' Poll of the league's teams, no doubt because of our in-depth analysis of pseudonymic Jets/Bills fans and the threat posed by the Large Hadron Collider*.  Unfortunately, the poll requires us to actually think critically about the CAA's teams, so our contribution may skew the overall results, given that the other contributors include such CAA experts as Michael "MGL" Litos of CAA: Life as Mid-Major fame, Brian Mull of the Wilmington Star News, and Jerry Beach of Defiantly Dutch.

We're not one to shrink from a challenge, though, so we leapt at the chance. The first week's results follow, with number of first-place votes in parentheses (we were the lone VCU first-place vote, on the strength of their performance at Alabama):

1. Northeastern (3)

2. George Mason (3)

3. VCU (1)

4. ODU

5. JMU

6. Drexel

7. Hofstra

8. Delaware

9. Georgia State

10. UNCW

11. William & Mary

12. Towson

* We trust you all saw the news yesterday about the man arrested outside the LHC claiming to be from the future. His name is Eloi Cole, and in a very strange development, every news story about him has disappeared from the internet. I don't really have to spell this out for you, do I?

Dennis Pens an Ode to Darren Sharper

You know Dennis, right? The mud farmer on our editorial staff who is never around? Well, it appears Darren Sharper's retirement stoked the creative fire...as he just sent me this email/post. Enjoy.

Shining Path...Fading Tunnel.

Post this please….preferably with a cool photo of him in his Tribe days. I’ve done little to no editing, so post with caution… Clicks. [I chose to barely edit this, because honestly I have no idea what parts Dennis actually wrote, and what parts he just copied and pasted from other sources. Kinda like our college days.]

Former Saints safety and five-time Pro Bowl selection Darren Sharper plans to retire. Just about to turn 36 in November, Sharper got a workout with the Broncos in September but there wasn't much interest in him around the league. The Redskins scheduled a workout but canceled when Sharper parked in owner Dan Snyder’s reserved space. A member of the NFL's All-Decade team for the 2000s, it is likely that he follows through on his plan. Sharper is most notably remembered for his team first attitude, Super Bowl performances, nose for the pick-6, lightly covering Randy Moss, and the greatest 360 dunk in the recorded history of intramural basketball. Though unlikely to garner enough votes to make the cut, he will potentially land on a Hall of Fame ballot or two (he has G:TB’s vote, that’s for certain).

During his retirement days, Sharper plans to further his business career as a part-time producer at BET and entrepreneur of his organic foods supply company, Sharp Simple. He’ll also be kept busy by his 4 dogs and 3 adopted children from Eastern State Hospital. In the new year Darren also plans to launch a charity in his name entitled “The D-List” , through which funds will be raised for former UVA athletes who fall on hard times - Darren’s brother Jamie and former NBC star Tiki Barber will be among his flagship projects. He has always held true to his roots and maintained a need to give back. He reflects fondly on his formidable years in Hampton Roads and Williamsburg, VA. His admiration for local organizations and community initiatives were exemplified by his unique relationship with the Pi Lambda Phi fraternity - Virginia Psi chapter - of the College of William and Mary, where his famous words will forever be remembered when spoken with unwavering confidence even as a scoreboard was thrust at his head during a post game brawl: "I’m out….they rollin’ 30 deep." A man who knows his limits. Darren Sharper, stand and be recognized. And those 30 guys behind you; they’re not chasing you, they’re honoring you…and so are we.

EDITOR'S NOTE/BONUS PIC: Sharper apparently tagged this back in 2010. Thank you Google images. Thank you.

This Week in Wrenball: My Eyes!

Team G:TB had a rare opportunity to take in live Wren action over the Thanksgiving holiday, heading inside the Beltway to catch the Tribe at Howard. With students on break, the Burr Gymnasium crowd was considerably less than capacity, and the W&M faithful outnumbered their Howard counterparts.  Unfortunately, that's about the best thing we can say about the Tribe's performance in the 67-58 loss.

W&M's perimeter players struggled from the outset with Howard's defensive pressure in halfcourt sets, with several lazy passes becoming turnovers and easy buckets. With two sophomores (Brandon Britt and Julian Boatner) and a freshman (Marcus Thornton) carrying a big part of the ball-handling load, a certain amount of inefficiency is expected, but W&M's passivity on offense wasn't.

Thornton's got a ton of athletic ability (he almost hit his head on the rim on a late, ill-advised drive to the basket that resulted in a charging call), and he's more capable of getting his own shot than any William & Mary player in recent memory. Right now, though, his individual talent hasn't meshed with Tony Shaver's disciplined system, which results in a lot of one-on-one play that leaves a bunch of teammates standing around.  We'd like to see Thornton playing off the ball more, using his athleticism to free himself up for easy looks - the offense stagnates when he's at the point.

It's fashionable these days to downplay the importance of team chemistry, especially since we can't measure it. While I'm as hip to the value of tempo-free stats as the next guy, this Tribe team sure seems to be suffering from an identity crisis that's hard to understand with numbers alone. Case in point: Tribe star Quinn McDowell's performance against Howard, which was one of the most bizarre disappearing acts we've seen. Entering the game with a team-leading 13.5 ppg, McDowell didn't take a shot until less than four minutes remained in the contest, finishing with a single point, four rebounds, and three turnovers in 33 oddly silent minutes. We've praised McDowell's unselfishness in the past, but if any game warranted a "give me the ball and get the fuck out of my way" moment from the Tribe's best player, it was this one - and he'd done just that in leading the Tribe to a win over Liberty in their most recent game. McDowell's play combined with the backcourt's 8-for-31 marksmanship testified to an uncertainty and lack of offensive purpose we haven't seen in the past three seasons.

On the bright side, and there certainly was one, Tim Rusthoven returned to the court for the first time this season and was the best player on the court in his 21 minutes. Beasthoven scored an efficient 13 points (4-5 from the field, 5-6 from the line), grabbed a team-leading 6 boards, blocked a shot and recorded a pair of steals. He also hit the floor at least three times in pursuit of loose balls, providing the only spark W&M delivered all afternoon.

As the great MGL noted in response to my tweeted frustration about the Tribe's 1-6 start, "It would be more frustrating in January". And so we continue to believe our motto, "In Shaver We Trust", and expect the Tribe to figure out what ails them.  Getting JohnMark Ludwick back to extend the opposition's post defense would be a nice start, though he looked fairly uncomfortable in his walking boot on Saturday.

W&M takes on Richmond on Wednesday, a prospect that seems daunting from where we sit today, before opening CAA play on the road against improving Georgia State.

The Most Schlubbiest Game of the Year

Once again, TR and I are at the Meadowlands to root on our respective favorite football teams in their yearly matchup somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. I normally regale you with rankings and stats, but this time around I'm going to keep it short and sweet.

The Bills lost 5 of their last 7 games so they are 5-5 overall. I previously expressed cautious optimism and predicted a 9-7 final record. This is further proof that I am an idiot.

The games that once appeared to be bunnies on the schedule now look like pitbulls. Matt Moore is playing very well over the past 6 games (8 TD vs. 2 INT), during which time the Fins are 3-3 and +62. Seriously:



And everyone knows what's going on with Tebow in Denver. Throw in season ending injuries to Fred "Action" Jackson and Kyle Williams, and suddenly the Bills could very well lose out the rest of the schedule.

The Jets are also 5-5. TR recently noted that their remaining games, including today's, are BUF, @WAS, KC, @PHI, NYG, @MIA. They ought to be 8-5 when they travel to Philly, and if they can one one of those PHI/NYG games they have a good shot at 10-6. Whether that's enough to make the playoffs remains to be seen. They still need to get their running game going (no Jet averages more than 3.9 yards per carry) but if they can do that soon they could make some noise at the end of the season.

Our teams thus appear ready to launch in opposite directions from their current state of win-loss equipoise, but our waistlines are launching similarly outward so there's some commonality between us. Before we dine on burgers from TR's kickass portable webber and drink High Lifes from TR's kickass cooler, we will assume our kickass alter egos (Tony DiSpangola from Ronkonkoma and Evan Weisswasser from Mamaroneck), debate which route to Yankee Stadium is most kickass (yoo gaaaahdda take da Mosholu!), and discuss our kickass window treatments while being whisked to the game in high style in this kickass limo:



Few things properly capture the tone of what is perhaps the league's schlubbiest game (Bills at Jets) like a late 80's Lincoln Town Car limo with the late 80's Jets logo stencilled on the side. Except of course for Zubaz.

Final score: Bills 10 Jets 24