Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Parental Advisory

My kids have been holy hell on wheels over the past month or so. Fortunately, they're a bit more naive than Dave's miscreants.  They got the following letter in the mail today, and believed every word:

Elf Laboratory Behavioral Observation Workgroup (ELBOW)
Santa’s Workshop, North Pole, NP
December 12, 2011
Katy & Reilly

Dear Katy & Reilly:
As you know, the Elf Laboratory Behavioral Observation Workgroup (ELBOW) is responsible for monitoring the behavior of children across the globe to ensure that Santa’s sleigh is packed with the appropriate gifts.  In most cases, ELBOW simply observes and does not communicate with individual children.  However, each year, ELBOW finds it necessary to reach out to certain children to ensure that they understand the importance of their actions. Usually, this happens when children who are usually on the ‘NICE’ list behave in a manner that places them in jeopardy of placement on the ‘NAUGHTY’ list.

We regret to inform you that ELBOW has observed both of you exhibiting an increasing incidence of the following negative behaviors:

·       Yelling at each other and your parents;
·       Not listening to your parents and not doing what you are asked when you are asked; and
·       Being mean to each other.
Please consider this letter a warning. If your behavior does not improve between now and Christmas Eve, ELBOW will be required to inform Santa’s Sleigh Loading Team that you have been naughty, and that the required actions should be taken with respect to your presents.  Santa very much wants to visit your house and bring you the gifts his team has selected specifically for you, but his visit to your house is entirely dependent upon your behavior.
Fortunately, you have the power to influence ELBOW’s recommendation in this matter. Simply begin behaving in the polite, positive, and cheerful manner ELBOW knows you are capable of behaving, and ELBOW will once again recommend that you be included on the list of nice children.  Please feel free to write me or Santa at the address above should you have any questions or wish to let us know how you plan to address the concerns in this letter.
Thank you for your attention to this matter, and have a Merry Christmas.


Rudyard Eartops
Chief, ELBOW Communication Branch


Dave said...

wow. quite a juxtaposition of filler. i'm going to try that with MY kids (the latter filler).

my kids are pretending to believe in santa again as christmas approaches-- they don't want to screw up the getting when it's good . . .

rob said...

my mother occasionally reads gtb - figured i'd push teejay's worthy contribution down the page a bit

Igor said...

Yet another plug from me for the bush administration in Teej's pictures. Especially lately. Met a few dudes in their mid-twenties that have never been with a girl who wasn't utterly shorn. Boo.

Igor said...

And wait a minute... Your daughters have known the secret of where babies come from for years but are still convinced Kris Kringle is watching their every move???

zman said...

I can't believe you sent a cease and desist letter from Santa to your kids.

My friend JP once made the following incredibly badass comment: "The last time I was with an unwaxed woman, she wasn't with me." We have Sex and the City to thank for this mass waxing phenomenon.

Shlara said...

Clever letter Rob--hope it works for you.

And you guys are disgusting.

rob said...

way to go, teejay

T.J. said...

Rob hates muff

rob said...

good timing from 'the atlantic', as well as a tour de force of euphemism: http://t.co/Xsw3PqCO

T.J. said...

Tony Hawk has some good filler.

zman said...

Leave it to literati rob to come up with a relevant reference. For the record, the first time I got my junk waxed it hurt like hell, but now I'm used to it. It's the only way to go.

Mark said...

I've never been with a girl who was full bush. Always landing strip or completely shorn. I see nothing wrong with this.