The Best Game in Football

A wise head texted me this quote from yesterday's Rose Garden press conference without comment:

I laugh in your general direction.

"At what point does America get demeaned? At what point do they start laughing at us as a country? We want fair treatment. We don't want other countries and other leaders to laugh at us anymore."

While America and its increasingly infantile president* hurtles headlong into irrelevance on a wave of stupidity and xenophobic paranoia, the ripples of laughter from the global community growing in volume and frequency (nervous laughter, it must be said, because who the fuck knows when babytrump's tiny brain and giant ego get embarrassed to the point where he bombs someone to make the meanies shut up), we seek solace in dipshittery and sports.

European sports, in this case, though our domestic championship series in basketball and hockey are fun, too.

Tomorrow at 2:45 Eastern, two of the world's biggest football clubs tangle in Cardiff, Wales for the UEFA Champions League title. Real Madrid are gunning for their second consecutive championship and third in four years. No club has ever won back to back Champions League trophies. Opposite Madrid, the legendary Italian side Juventus makes its second finals appearance in three years.

Both clubs have appeared in six UCL championship matches, a record tally. Madrid have won all five of their previous appearances, while Juve have lost four of their five, with only a 1996 win over Ajax to their credit.

Total dick, right?

Beyond the titanic names on the front of the jerseys, some (me) might argue that this is a battle of good versus evil. Real Madrid's historical association with the oppressive rule of Francisco Franco is bad enough, but they feature prettyboy gloryhound Cristiano Ronaldo, and spend like drunken sailors. It's true enough that Ronaldo is a sublime talent, among the most skilled and ruthless goalscorers of all time. But he kinda seems like a dick, you know?

Juventus, on the other hand, while bestriding Italian football like a colossus, is still the squad of hardworking, blue collar Turin (it's possible that I'm overstating this for effect), the center of Italy's automotive industry. Sure, the club has won six consecutive Serie A titles, and we rooted for Roma to overtake them in this, Francisco Totti's final season, but for tomorrow, Juve are a tiny little underdog, battling the forces of darkness and global domination.

They're also battling the forces of Madrid's balanced and deadly offense, led by Ronaldo, but featuring brilliant talents like Gareth Bale (battling an injury), Karim Benzema, Isco, Alvaro Morata, Toni Kroos, and Luka Modric. Madrid have scored in an absurd 64 consecutive matches in all competitions, with 32 goals in 12 Champions League matches to date.

Buffon!

Juventus, though, seem uniquely qualified to stand up to Madrid's offensive firepower. Backstopped by the legendary Gianluigi Buffon, the Old Lady's back line of Leonardo Bonucci, Giorgio Chiellini, and Andrea Barzagli, in partnership with wingback Dani Alves and defensive midfielder Sami Khedira, have conceded a mere three goals in their 12 matches, with nine clean sheets.

Irresistible force, meet immovable object.

We're not one for predictions here, at least not accurate ones, but Juve's defense has been sick. They blanked Barcelona twice in the quarterfinals, and only a late, inconsequential goal from Monaco's Kylian Mbappe in the final leg of the semifinals kept the Bionconeri from recording shutouts in all six knockout stage matches. It says here that the cup heads to Italy on a late tally from the head of the towering Chiellini.

I wouldn't bet on it, though.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Two

On the second day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Two Footie Stories
And a Doofus on a Fake Pony

There's not much to recap from Day One, which appears to be a photo of a constipated Irishman straining to defecate behind a piece of plywood with a hole in it. I can't match that, but I can preview an interesting week of red hot footie action.

The two stories are the divergent paths Manchester City are taking in the two most prominent competitions in which they are participating - the Premier League and the Champions League. In the Premier League, Man City has been pretty much unstoppable, having earned 38 of 42 possible points through fourteen matches. They have a 5 point lead over Manchester United, but a larger psychological lead after they destroyed Man U 6-1 at Old Trafford in October.

The team has an embarrassment of riches in terms of talent, with a deep arsenal of strikers (apologies for the lame pun) that has more than withstood the petulance of Argentinian striker Carlos Tevez (who pulled this nonsense earlier this fall). The team has a world class goalie in English national team keeper Joe Hart and top-notch midfielders in Frenchman Samir Nasri and Spaniard David Silva. Owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan and his $4.9 billion net worth seem to have an insatiable appetite for high-priced players, much like my appetite for Cheez Whiz. He's like the Daniel Snyder of the Middle East, but much much much much much much more successful.

The newest and most exciting of the team's strikers is 20 year-old Mario Balotelli, a Ghanian immigrant who is exceptionally gifted. And batshit crazy. Here's a picture of his girlfriend. She seems nice.

Below are two YouTube clips to present the man in full. But before you read those, read here to learn about the fireworks display he set off in his own bathroom that resulted in a call to the local fire department. You can also read a more heartwarming story here about the time he convinced a young boy to get into his Ferrari (much better than it sounds).





While the team appears to be cruising in the EPL, it is struggling mightily in the UEFA Champions League and is unlikely to escape the group stage of 32 this week and advance to the knockout stage. For a club that is one of the top five in the world (and may arguably be the second-best), to fall on their face this week is a major embarrassment, though one whose pain could be allayed by continued EPL success.

Man City plays in Group A against Italian squad Napoli (2-1-2, 7 pts), Spanish squad Villareal (0-5, 0 pts) and Bayern Munich (4-1 11 pts). Man City has a 2-2-1 record, which puts them in third place with 7 pts. They need to climb past an inferior Napoli this week. However, Napoli plays at pathetic Villareal, while Man City has to host Bayern Munich. Man City needs a miracle tie or win from the Spaniards, who have been outscored 12-2 in aggregate over their first five matches. They also need to beat a quality German side, although it is one that will not likely field their best side, as they have locked up the right to advance.

Many of the sixteen remaining Champions League games from the group stage will be broadcast on the Fox Soccer Channel tomorrow and Wednesday. The Group A matches air on Wednesday.

Bonus soccer news: Clint Dempsey scored the only goal on Monday as Fulham upset Liverpool. The win keeps Fulham ahead in the battle to avoid relegation. Dude continues to be a solid EPL player.

Bonus soccer blog recommendation: sign up to get Grantland Network's Men in Blazers podcast. Two guys talk weekly on the EPL, the Champions League and the US and English national teams. Both are Brits, although one has lived much of his life in the US. The guys are very knowledgeable and do not at all take themselves seriously. Extremely entertaining. Here is a link to their tumblr site, although I'll admit I don't know what a tumblr is. It appears to be missing an e.

Bonus Balotelli girlfriend photos: Here are two of an old flame, Melissa Castagnoli. She seems nice too.

This is Like the Apex of the Vortex....

...just not the apex of the vortex of joint technology. It's the apex of the vortex of the British soccer season for the Big Three clubs in the EPL. Heading into the last six weeks of the season, Manchester United and Chelsea (and, to a lesser extent, Arsenal) are embroiled in a tight race, with the top two teams separated by one point in the standings and Arsenal four back of the lead. Man U and Chelsea have battled each other for the lead all season, while Arsenal pulled off an improbable rally in February and March to climb back in the mix. After a scoreless tie against Aston Villa on January 27th, followed up with a crushing 3-1 loss to Man U on January 31st, Arsenal ripped off six consecutive wins to make up some ground while the other two clubs had minor stumbles. However, they had a poor showing last weekend in a 1-1 tie with Birmingham city and now will need a lot of help if they want to win the league title.

The fates of these three teams will be determined in large part by the events this Saturday. At 7:45 AM, you can point your rabbit ears over to ESPN2 to watch Man U host Chelsea at Old Trafford. A Man U win should make them almost impossible to beat, as they will have only five games left, most against weaker EPL opponents. A Chelsea win puts them in the driver's seat with a two-point lead, while a tie opens up the door for Arsenal, who should be able to dispatch a shaky Wolverhampton squad. In the event of a Man U-Chelsea tie and an Arsenal win, Man U would have 73 points, Chelsea would have 72 and Arsenal would have 71. In this event, look for the fourth-place Tottenham Hotspurs to be a spoiler. They play Arsenal, Chelsea and Man U in three consecutive weeks in mid-April.

But this weekend's slate of matches is merely a portion of the red hot footie action over the next eight days. In addition to EPL matches, Man U and Arsenal both remain active in Champions League play, although Chelsea spit the bit against Inter Milan early last week and was eliminated. We've got a flurry of big Champions League matches starting today. Man U starts a brutal eight-day stretch. The team travels to Germany to face Bayern Munich in the Champions League today, in the first of a two-match series. The team then returns home to Old Trafford for the Chelsea tilt in four days and remains at home to host Bayern Munich three days later. That's three very difficult matches in two countries in eight days. Not an easy task for any squad, let alone a veteran team.

There are three reasons for Red Devils fans to be optimistic. First, Bayern has lost two straight Bundesliga matches and has gone 1-2-1 in its last four to fall out of first place. Second, Man U was able to rest a lot of its firepower in last week's romp over the official team of The Teej, the (Michael) Bolton Wanderers, as Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, Paul Scholes, Michael Carrick and Ji-Sung Park all sat out in the win. Third, last week's win saw the return of injured young striker Federico Macheda, who shows flashes of both Cristiano Ronaldo's artful footwork and John Terry's legendary libido. Macheda, pictured above, was born in August 1991. Commence feeling old now.

There are additional quarterfinal Champions League games today and tomorrow. The Bayern-Man U game is being shown on delay on Fox Soccer Channel tonight, but those of us with work colleagues on the road will be darting raindrops en route to a pub for the 2:45 PM ET start.