The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Eight

 On the eighth day of Gheorghemas, Big Gheorghe gave to me

Eight Hot (or Lukewarm) Takes
Seven Books For Reading
Six Footie Jerseys
Five musicians from San Antonio known as the Sir Douglas Quintet
A four-part Japanese life strategy (as told by our man in the OBX)
Three 80's Baseball Sports Looks
Too Many Entries,
and a Cameo That Will Go Down in History

Eight Hot (or Lukewarm) Takes: 

1) Go watch a football doc with your kids! We are doing a whole lot of TV watching as a family these days, since recreation options for the kids are limited. Both are doing outdoor paddle tennis clinics, one is doing a basketball clinic, and one will start on-line chess soon (though he doesn't know yet and will make a fuss, but will end up loving it). We recently watched the Tua doc produced by FS1. It's a one-hour review of his journey from Hawaii to the NFL. You will come away liking him and his family quite a bit. The guy really seems grounded. So he'll torch the Jets for the next fifteen years. You can watch the one-hour doc on-line here. 

2) And then go watch a football series! When you are done with the Tua doc, I recommend watching the HBO Sports mini-series The Cost of Winning. It tells the story of St. Frances Academy, a high school football powerhouse in inner-city Baltimore that is bankrolled by a wealthy hedge fund guy. The doc was filmed in Fall 2019, and many of the players highlighted are now in college (many at big-time programs). It's easy to have a knee-jerk reaction to a football factory high school, but learning the back story of the kids and learning more about the grim realities in that part of Baltimore may change your view. 

3) Go watch a sports doc with your spouse! Wife and I recently started the four-part Oscar Pistorius doc on ESPN+. We're halfway done. It's worth watching. South African accents amuse me. The backstory is fascinating - his disability, his rise to fame, his trial, and his ability to date the hottest blonde women in the country. The story around his celebrity status and the awful crime is riveting. Lots of parallels to Orenthal James. 

4) The USDA's dietary recommendations are hot garbage and you all should consider a low-carb diet. A recent study was released that further validated the benefit of a low-carb diet. The study entailed putting patients with Type 2 diabetes on a "nutritional ketosis" diet for two years. Patients had lower cardiovascular risk and better body weight figures than the control group. The findings are here. The USDA's 2015-2020 Dietary Guidelines continue to call for grains and low-fat dairy as staple foods. I bet those fools still think Fish Oil is good for you. (spoiler: it's not) 

5) Denver Riggleman seems like my kind of Republican. The Rig-man is a Congressman representing the 5th district in Virginia, a comically gerrymandered area that approaches the yards of a few of our readers. He is not afraid to piss off fellow Republicans. This means he probably has no shot of having a successful career in Congress. He has become a pariah in his party for officiating a same-sex wedding (sweet blazers on the dudes getting hitched) and speaking his mind about the election. He was on a Bulwark podcast yesterday (h/t to Zman for getting his pal TR a one-year subscription to Bulwark+) and appeared amazingly coherent and fact-based in his comments. What he had to say about being concerned about the future of his country and the future of the Republican party was not comforting. I'm guessing some of you Virginians are already aware of him. The podcast is here. 

6) It's (about to be) a good time to be a Jets fan. No, really. The team's awful season will be over in less than three weeks. The team has nine picks in the 2021 draft, five in the first three rounds, and two in the first (they have Seattle's pick, which is projected at #25 now). The two top picks from 2020 look like winners (stud LT Mekhi Becton and talented WR Denzel Mims). And my neighbor (and awful coach) Adam Gase will soon be gone. Salary cap experts predict the team will be second in available money for free agency at $76 million (nerd out and review the info here). And the team should be able to get a quality coach who likes the idea of Trevor Lawrence and lots of cap room. NFL teams can turn things around quickly. Hop on the bandwagon now. Plenty of room. 

7) My favorite guilty pleasure song these days is an 18 year-old Busta Rhymes/Mariah Carey sex jam. At the end of last summer, the wife and I went out for outdoor cocktails at a nice joint in Asbury Park with another couple. I was 2-3 drinks deep and in the proper headspace when I excused myself to use the indoor restroom. As I walked in, I heard a smooth beat I hadn't heard in quite some time. It was playing LOUDLY. And it was awesome. Busta and Mariah. Go figure. Busta Rhymes has been in my life since early 1992, when my friends and I bumped Leaders of the New School cassettes in my Dodge Caravan. Always liked the guy. This song is mesmerizing to me. The beat is sick. His singing is very amusing (kinda bad, but still fun). And the lyrics are all about lovemaking, like he is paying homage to Barry White. I downloaded the song on the spot and promptly forgot I did. A month or so later, I found it and have been enjoying it. I want you all to play it and think of me the next time you're making sweet sweet love. On second thought, no need to think of me mid-coitus. Post-coitus is fine.  

8) I really really dig the Sturgill Simpson country record. Almost every music fan I respect loves the guy. I have it on my To Do list to get through his catalog. I even drunkenly committed to go see him at MSG in May 2020. That didn't happen. Not sure why or how, but I ended up downloading his 2020 album Cuttin' Grass - Vol 1. It's good!  It's filled in when I want to hear country-ish tunes these days. The musicians are top-notch and the banjo gives a dash of bluegrass sound that my ignorant ears like. 

Joe Montana is Laughing

Leonard Marshall played defensive tackle for the New York Giants for 10 years, and for the Jets and R**skins for one season each. He went to the Pro Bowl twice, he was named NFL Defensive Lineman of the Year twice, he won the Super Bowl twice (including XXV against my beloved Bills), and he almost killed Joe Montana once.



He recorded 83.5 sacks and 711 tackles. It's safe to say that he had a good career in football.

Like many retired professional athletes, Marshall began a career in business after hanging up his cleats. In particular, Marshall became the Director of Strategic Initiatives and Brand Ambassador for ED Healthcare LLC, a pharmaceutical company that specializes in the manufacture of sildenafil (the active ingredient in Viagra) to treat erectile dysfunction. To put it another way, Marshall started selling boner pills. At the price of $4.95 a pill! Through telephonic hotlines! He now lives on Prospect Avenue in Hackensack, NJ.

I know this because Marshall filed a complaint in the Superior Court of New Jersey, Essex County Division, against ED Healthcare alleging that he was fired for telling the CEO that two female employees said they were sexually harassed by one of the EVPs. According to the complaint, the CEO "explicitly stated to [Marshall] that he was terminating [Marshall] because [Marshall] had conveyed the aforesaid sexual harassment complaints to him." Apparently the EVP was particularly terrible to one woman, he allegedly "repeatedly touched her breasts, asked for pictures of her in sleep wear, put his hand up her skirt, and used sexually explicit language ...." This is bad stuff but are we surprised given that this company sells hard-ons? Maybe he was all hopped up on boner pills? Or he was just trying to act presidential?

The plot thickens: "In further retaliation for [Marshall's] protected activity, Defendants cut [Marshall] out of all financial benefits due him from sales of Sildenafil by and on behalf of ED." I bet he isn't the first guy to be cut off due to ED. Marshall also claims that he "suffered and continues to suffer career damage, economic loss, damage to his reputation and emotional distress, as well as physical pain and suffering." I guess selling boner pills didn't damage his reputation? And his 12 year stint in the NFL didn't lead to any physical pain?

In fact, his 12 year stint in the NFL did lead to physical pain as Marshall described in this interview where he advocates for legalizing marijuana. Actually that's not 100% accurate--Marshall advocated for legalizing cannabidiol, a marijuana extract sold by ... wait for it ... a company owned by the CEO of ED Healthcare! It all comes full circle (or maybe it doesn't if you've been cut off from your sildenafil supply).

I suspect that all this and more will come up in Marshall's deposition, and it won't go smoothly. I'll update you as the case firms up.

Patience Is A Virtue/Saturday College Basketball Open Thread

While we all eagerly await Day 12 of Gheorghemas, I thought I would post this video I found of Rob.  I'm not sure if he is trying to have sex with this cat or just playing.  Enjoy...



In totally unrelated news, it should be noted that the NY Football Jets had quite a day.  As was pointed out in the comments yesterday, Kellen Winslow was charged with possession of synthetic marijuana after a witness reported that he was in his Caddy treating his body like an amusement park.  From the gumshoe squad at the NY Post:

According to the report, when cops approached Winslow, he said he was looking for a Boston Market, but couldn’t find it. When police approached Winslow went from “slouched in his seat and moving around” to an upright position. His genitals were not exposed, but officers saw “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console.”

Sounds perfectly innocent to me.  Who doesn't need to get their nads all lubed up before enjoying some fast food rotisserie chicken and creamed spinach?

Not to be outdone by his semi-aroused, quasi-stoned, poultry loving tight end, Jets quarterback Geno Smith apparently went the full Alec Baldwin and got himself kicked off a Virgin America flight for refusing to turn off his cell phone after (maybe) fighting with ticket agents about getting his seat assignment.  

Anybody think Rex Ryan may regret taking that contract extension?

Finally, the Tribal cagers take on the slobbering hell hounds of Jimmy Madison U around 4 PM at the Tribedome in Williamsburg.  W&M is favored by 7.5.  As always bet against Rob's selection.

A Random Act of Kindness in a Savage Part of the Land

As some of you are aware, I was fortunate enough to embark on an unusual seven-day sports odyssey in late August. Over a span of seven days, I went to three different "major" sporting events (using the phrase liberally) in three different states. Two were for work, in different cities, and on somebody else's dime. These events were: Panthers at Jets in an NFL exhibition game on Sunday August 26th, Cardinals at Pirates on Wednesday August 29th and Alabama vs. Michigan in Dallas on Saturday September 1st.

As a fan of all live sports, especially those in new stadiums, I was pretty excited for these events. In retrospect, it turned out to be a less dynamic odyssey than expected. I left the exhibition game before halftime because my 5 y/o and 3 y/o boys were starting to fall apart from the 8 PM start time. I saw little of the Pirates game because we were parked at the bar in the stadium, feeding free booze to a disgruntled group of guys who reconcile working in Pittsburgh by getting violently wasted and being very appreciative that folks come to visit them in that town. I did see a lot of a pretty bad football game in Dallas, but that experience was more tied into soaking in my first major college football game (I'm excluding Rutgers-Louisville), seeing Jerry Jones' impressive palace in Arlington, and pondering what life would have been like had I attended an SEC school for college.

So not any "memories of a lifetime" from this sojourn. Except one. As I was walking into MetLife stadium before the Jets game, a young Latina woman ran up to me. She told me she randomly took a picture of me and my sons on her cell phone because she thought it would be a cool shot. She thought it turned out well and wanted to send it to me. Her boyfriend was with her and they both were genuinely happy to do this. I note that this is extremely abnormal behavior in East Rutherford. So I gave the woman my cell phone and two minutes later, a photo appeared. It turned out that I did have a memory of a lifetime after all.

Bills/Jets Preview - lists of [Gary] Reasons

I'm excited for opening day at the Meadowlands (or whatever it's called now) for several reasons:

1. TR will drive, which means that I can ...
2. Drink lots of Leinenkugel, which is ...
3. Served about 50 feet from our new seats, which are ...
4. No longer in Fireman Ed's section, so I ...
5. Hopefully won't have to deal with too many non-season ticket holding meatheads ...
6. Which will allow me to peacefully rock my Jim & Thurman & Andre & Bruce shirt ...

7. Because the Bills are in town!

Various NFL previews opine that the Bills will win between 9 and 11 games, finish second in the AFC East, and, for the first time since 1999, make the playoffs. Most of this is based on big-name acquisitions on the defensive side of the ball. Factor in Kyle Williams' return and the defense should be much improved.

I am less optimistic about the Bills for several reasons:

1. Recent history is not on their side.
2. Ryan Fitzpatrick is still their quarterback.
3. David Nelson is their #2 receiver (sorry Mark).
4. The offensive line is still bad -- they have the same misfits as last year.
5. The improved D-line will not necessarily translate into better pass defense, which I've maligned here before.
6. Chan Gaily and Buddy Nix still work here.

I expect one of their (patent pending) 5-2 starts going into their bye week, followed by one of their (patented) 2-7 finishes. The two losses will be ... Pats and tomorrow's Jets game.

By contrast, everyone expects the Jets to be bad this year, like no more than 7 wins bad. I think they'll win at least 10, for several reasons:

1. The defense will be better; Barnwell said so.
2. I think Chaz Schilens will have a monster year; all this Cro-related "I'm the second-best receiver" nonsense is a smokescreen to cover up Chaz's breakout.
3. Tim Tebow is a better runner than Shonn Greene and a better passer than Ronnie Brown, so if the Jets use him as a running back and toss in the occasional wildcat play they will be in servicable shape on offense. In my clueless opinion, at least.
4. They play the AFC South, NFC West, and a disfunctional Steelers team in week 2.
5. Rex Ryan lost 106 pounds. That kind of life-extending good mojo has to carry through to other aspects.

The Jets will flabbergast the Bills tomorrow with Sanchez and Tebow in the same backfield. Tebow will rush for 100 yards, throw for 100 yards, and account for at least 2 TD. Sanchez will bang some preposterously gorgeous 18-year-old heiress/supermodel/gymnast/physicist/stripper three times using seven positions.

Final score: Jets 24, Bills 13

And lest you think I'm all out of lists of reasons:

The Most Schlubbiest Game of the Year

Once again, TR and I are at the Meadowlands to root on our respective favorite football teams in their yearly matchup somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. I normally regale you with rankings and stats, but this time around I'm going to keep it short and sweet.

The Bills lost 5 of their last 7 games so they are 5-5 overall. I previously expressed cautious optimism and predicted a 9-7 final record. This is further proof that I am an idiot.

The games that once appeared to be bunnies on the schedule now look like pitbulls. Matt Moore is playing very well over the past 6 games (8 TD vs. 2 INT), during which time the Fins are 3-3 and +62. Seriously:



And everyone knows what's going on with Tebow in Denver. Throw in season ending injuries to Fred "Action" Jackson and Kyle Williams, and suddenly the Bills could very well lose out the rest of the schedule.

The Jets are also 5-5. TR recently noted that their remaining games, including today's, are BUF, @WAS, KC, @PHI, NYG, @MIA. They ought to be 8-5 when they travel to Philly, and if they can one one of those PHI/NYG games they have a good shot at 10-6. Whether that's enough to make the playoffs remains to be seen. They still need to get their running game going (no Jet averages more than 3.9 yards per carry) but if they can do that soon they could make some noise at the end of the season.

Our teams thus appear ready to launch in opposite directions from their current state of win-loss equipoise, but our waistlines are launching similarly outward so there's some commonality between us. Before we dine on burgers from TR's kickass portable webber and drink High Lifes from TR's kickass cooler, we will assume our kickass alter egos (Tony DiSpangola from Ronkonkoma and Evan Weisswasser from Mamaroneck), debate which route to Yankee Stadium is most kickass (yoo gaaaahdda take da Mosholu!), and discuss our kickass window treatments while being whisked to the game in high style in this kickass limo:



Few things properly capture the tone of what is perhaps the league's schlubbiest game (Bills at Jets) like a late 80's Lincoln Town Car limo with the late 80's Jets logo stencilled on the side. Except of course for Zubaz.

Final score: Bills 10 Jets 24