Because, fuck Rob, that's why...

There's waaaay too much Christmas (or Gheorghe-mas) cheer around these parts for my liking. I don't have time for that shit. Not when Florida is poised to take on Alabama in the most hyped SEC Championship game in...maybe ever. Not when our own resident Kim Jong-Il is an Alabama fan with a proclivity for taking shots at my education, my drug habit and my home state. I'm always filled with hate, but this week is a special week. I'm a living, breathing hate machine right now and its all reserved for Rob, Saban and the rest of the Tide nation. Even that kid from the "I hate Tennessee" youtube clip. They can all die and go to hell as far as I'm concerned. Just as soon as they finish slapping around their wives, of course.



Oh, and I hope Terrence Cody chokes on a chicken bone tonight.

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 3rd Day

As we continue our celebration of all that’s commercial and consumerist, we look back fondly at some of the moments that brightened our lives in 2008.

On the first day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
A fat guy in a jer-sey

On the second day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

On the third day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

First, David Schneider’s buzzer-beater saved William and Mary’s Tribe from an ignominious defeat at the hands of Georgia State in the first round of the CAA Basketball Tournament. Then it was Nathan Mann’s turn, as the senior guard beat Old Dominion with a three-pointer in the waning seconds. Finally, and most unexpectedly, Laimis Kiselieus hit a last-possession leaner to beat heavily-favored VCU and send the Tribe to its first-ever conference final. That they lost a hard-fought contest to George Mason was immaterial, as a grateful G:TB noted at the time.

The Tribe’s run was all the more improbable coming as it did against the historical backdrop of William and Mary’s Mr. Bean-like basketball legacy. The 2008 Tribe exceeded the school’s postseason win record by two – we’d never before won as many as two games in a single CAA tournament. As we wrote on the day after the loss to Mason, “For the briefest of moments we were allowed to pretend we belonged, to plan trips to the Boise or Sacramento or Tacoma subregionals, to shout ourselves hoarse watching a game that actually mattered, and to dream. Generations of us had never even allowed ourselves to dream. When we talk about this team, that’s the thing we’ll remember – not that they finally fell short, but that they let us dream, hope, and care.”

And that, boys and girls, is the magic of Gheorghe-mas.

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 2nd Day

If today is Wednesday, this must be post MIII. Those there are Roman numerals that stand for Most Irrelevant and Inane Idiocy. In honor of this special post, we continue our march toward Baby Jesus, the Festivus Pole and the Festival of Lights.

So sit back, light a fattie, give somebody a mouth-kiss and enjoy Day Two of the Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas. On Day Two, we subscribe to the "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" school of originality, originally made famous by Lord Thomas of the Doobievilles, who set an unofficial internet record by posting 839 consecutive YouTube videos as blog entries. By "don't fix it" we mean posting new unflattering photos of another member of the editorial staff, of course.

On the first day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
A fat guy in a jer-sey

On the second day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Coming Soon!

Well, it seems implausible, but somehow Blogger screwed us and deleted our draft post of our reviews of the new GN'R album Chinese Democracy. We're going to redo them and have it up soon. I'd say look for it by December 15 at the latest!!

In the meantime, enjoy your 12 Days of Gheorghe-mas.

Mini Superfan Update

Coming off yet another multiple overtime heartbreaker at Liberty, the Tribe (3-4) faces the Ramblers of Loyola (IL) (3-4) this evening in Chicago. Loyola's a little bit confounding, to be honest with you. After losing their season-opener to something called Rockhurst, Jim Whitesell's boys hammered Georgia by 21, which remains the Bulldogs' only defeat. The Ramblers backed that win up by getting their doors blown off by Purdue, narrowly beating Western Michigan, suffering back-to-back 20+ point maulings to Cornell(!) and St. John's, and beating Holy Cross. Dr. Jekyll, meet Mr. Hyde.

Danny Sumner (20.7 ppg) and David Schneider (18.0) are both in the CAA's top 10 in scoring - the first time W&M can boast such a feat since...a really long time ago. The Tribe really needs this one, as they kick off conference play against a sure-to-be revenge-minded VCU squad on Saturday. I'd like to say the good guys bounce back tonight, but W&M's always struggled in Chicago (note: possibly an invented nugget).

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas

In these, the most holy and wondrous of times, the G:TB team wishes you and yours a joyous and extremely ridiculous holiday season.

Today, in our 1,000th post, we return to our annual tradition, bringing the world the Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas:

On the first day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
A fat guy in a jer-sey

Today We're Gonna Party Like It's 999

Because a) I'm tired of looking at that disgusting orange and blue color scheme, which will cause me to be violently ill for at least the next week (and probably all of Saturday night) and b) we need to get this post out of the way to set up our 1000th post celebravanaganza, a little baseball news that hits close to home for G:TB's elders:

Red Sox Select Bogar to Replace Alicea on Staff

Generally speaking, this is the sort of midwinter's agate that's easily ignored. But Tim Bogar holds a special place in our hearts. We wrote about it back in July (and, yes, it's so slow and we're so groggy this morning that we're quoting ourselves):

In September 1991, the Tidewater Tides took on the Richmond Braves in the final week of the season. G:TBer Whitney, our friend Chris and I made the short trip down I-64 to meet Whit’s mother and stepfather for a leisurely afternoon at the ballyard. Normally, a late season minor league ballgame wouldn’t hold much allure, but two events made this one noteworthy. First, by the 3rd inning of the game we realized that the Tides’ Tim Bogar was switching positions every inning. He took the mound in the 9th having played everywhere on the field, and then proceeded to strike out the leadoff man before hitting the next batter in the head. At which point the entire stunt took on a decidedly less whimsical bent.

Far more amusing than Bogar’s misadventure was the action that took place in the stands.The aforementioned Chris stands roughly 6’6” with a wingspan to match. Midway through the contest, lefty Kelvin Torve lofted a lazy foul ball towards our bleacher seats midway down the third base line. Were we not there, the ball would have landed in Chris’ seat. The big fellow stood to his full height, spread his legs in a textbook block out of Whitney’s mom, and clapped his hands together while talking a full menu of shit – and he’s an accomplished shitriloquist. The ball descended gracefully, landed in his waiting (and freakishly large) mitts…and bounded 15 rows forward into the waiting hands of an 8 year-old boy. Whitney’s mom led the parade of grief givers for the rest of the game, and when we returned to campus to share our story, the local sportscasters beat us to it, showing footage of our friend’s ignominious moment at 6 and 10.

When these two teams get together, throw out the blahblahblahblah....

If you're watching college football today, and you should be (be a man and tell your wife to hang the fucking Christmas lights herself), you're likely to hear that phrase, or some iteration of it, a couple dozen times. Its old, unoriginal and bland but, you know what? Its largely true. Rivalry games in college football have a long history of memorable moments, game deciding plays and, most of all, monumental upsets that end up destroying one teams season while simultaneously reshaping the way fans look at the underdogs' otherwise disappointing season. Want proof of this? Simply look at the Florida-FSU or the Auburn-Alabama contests being played today. A win for either Auburn or FSU would both be devastating to the favorites and historically joyous for the the underdogs.

That, is precisely why I'm a nervous wreck for Florida's trip into Doak Campbell Stadium in just under 3 hours. I was actually supposed to be in attendance for this game but my girlfriend fell ill over the holiday and we decided against making the trip. Its just as well. If Florida had won I wouldn't have been able to share my joy with any fellow Gators I actually knew, and if Florida loses, oh God, I might end up in a Tallahassee jail for the felonius assault of multiple garnet and gold wearing rednecks. Sometimes, its just smarter to play it safe when rivalry games are concerned.

With that said, I've got some things to do in order to get ready for today's full slate of football, booze and hate so I'll end this with some notes on the rivalry game (Rob, feel free to chip in with some of your Iron Bowl thoughts in the comments) which will command the lion's share of my attention today. Florida-FSU, of course.

- I hate Tennessee, Georgia and Miami, but I absolutely loathe FSU, their fans and pretty much everything associated with the city of Tallahassee. I started attending Florida when FSU was in the middle of their historic run of top 5 finishes and decade long run of brutal ACC raping and pillaging. As a result, I spent many of my early years as a Florida student looking up at FSU in the national rankings and, more often than not, losing at the hands of the Seminoles to close out the regular season. I've never attended a Gator win in Doak Campbell and once had a beer thrown on me by a Nole who was celebrating a clinching score for FSU over Florida (not in Doak, at this shitty bar that's right next to Doak). So, you see, I fucking hate FSU with every fiber of my being. (Also, my entire immediate family went to or owns season tickets to the Noles. My hate is deep rooted and strong.)

- As I said earlier, I'm worried about this game. FSU was embarrassed last year in Ben Hill. They've lost 4 straight to Florida and they have a chance to ruin an otherwise amazing season for the Gators. You couldn't ask for more motivation for FSU in this game, or a better environment in which to exact revenge. If FSU comes out of the gate firing on all cylinders and the crowd in Doak gets behind them, I'm not convinced the Florida's offense doesn't revert to its early season form. (When the Florida offense is good, it is great. When it struggles its a colossal clusterfuck. There is no in between.) Oh yeah, there are also rumors on gator message boards (from reputable sources) that Florida is coming off its worst week of practice since the week before (wait for it) Ole Miss. So that's great.

- The announcers are going to talk a lot about Myron Rolle, and rightfully so. What he's done as an athlete and scholar is an unbelievable feat. But when the announcers start blathering on about how he has to decide whether to go to Oxford or the NFL next year, just go ahead and mute your TV. This isn't a tough decision. Rolle's a brilliant student with a bright future. He's also a very average safety with questionable instincts. He's lucky if he gets drafted before the 5th round. Percy Harvin has a decision about whether or not to enter the NFL Draft. Myron Rolle has a decision about whether or not he's going to start referring to cigarettes as fags or not. Sorry folks, these are the facts.

- You'll hear the announcers talk about how a lot of these guys played with and against each other in high school, which is true. However, the more interesting story line in this game is the number of Gator players who grew up as FSU fans. Guys like the Pouncey twins, Chris Rainey, Deonte Thompson and super frosh Jeff Demps. Florida has dominated FSU in recruiting in recent years and the results should show on the field as the game wears on. ( I look for Demps to play with a special chip on his shoulder and maybe even gets his hands on a punt based on this).

- Florida's defensive line is banged up coming into this game. DT Lawrence Marsh is questionable and his backup, Matt Patchan, is out. The rest of the defense is supposed to be healthy and they'll need it to make up for absence of the teams' most consistent d-lineman and its most active reserve. Besides Marsh and Patchan, the rest of the Gator team comes in to today healthy, but its worth watching the play of the aforementioned Pouncey twins to see where their heads are at after an extremely rough week for their family.

The Pounceys, as much as Tim Tebow, are the heart of the Gator offense and team as a whole. If they come out focused, inspired and ready to play, then I think the Gators can overcome the multitude of factors going against them this afternoon. If not, well, Florida fans will be talking about could'ves and should'ves next week in Atlanta.

Hey, Hey, Hey

Thanks to The Big Lead, the long-running mystery of the current whereabouts of Raj from What's Happening!! has been solved:

No wonder Ocho Cinco keeps changing his name. I wouldn't want Dee to be able to find me, either.

Cool It Now...G:TB's Week 13 NFL Picks

Hold your hats, ladies and gents. The editorial staff of G:TB is back with a whole new edition of picks. Enjoy!

Miami @ St. Louis – pick ‘em
The Parcells factor has been well documented over the last 20 years, but it has never been more ubiquitous than in 2008. The defense is playing tougher, the offensive chicanery is chicanering and Chaz Sexington, serving as the commodore of this offense, is steering this offensive as coolly and steadily as a Somalian pirate at the helm of a Saudi supertanker. The Linehan factor, on the other hand, is more of a wildcard. It encompasses losing, excuses, porous defensive play, hurricanes and more losing. He has taken a mediocre Rams squad and made them an epic disaster. St. Louie fans are booing, Marc Bulger is crying, and Chris Long wishes he was still banging co-eds in the parking lot of the South Street Brewery in Charlottesville. The Rams defense hasn’t hit anybody hard since Leonard Little was drunk and behind the wheel several years ago. With no home-field advantage and no weather issues, Chad will share the love with Ted, Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike. That’s right. In addition to his playmakers, he will get New Edition involved. So cool it now, you’ve got to cool it now, ooooh watch out, you’re gonna lose control. Pick the Fins. (Ed. Note: Mark's an idiot and wrote about the St. Louis-Miami game too. The pick's the same but Mark's an egomaniac and wants you to read his slant on things so he's refused to take down his pick. What an asshole.)

Tennessee (-11) @ Detroit
The early match-up on Turkey Day features the hopeless, hapless, winless Lions against the faux juggernaut Titans. The Lions have shown an ability to take an early lead, but an inability to not suck after taking the lead. They have little talent on either side of the ball, and a fan base that has been feeling down on itself ever since the Insane Clown Posse jumped Eminem 9 years ago. Their beloved Lions are playing so badly that both Alex Karras and George Papadapolis are rolling over in his grave. And neither are dead yet. And most fans are employed by the Big Three automotive companies, who lack both the ability to compete and the ability to seek financial assistance from DC (the district, not the Geofferson).

This burdensome burden rests heavy on the backs of the Lions as they face a 10-1 Titans squad tomorrow. Unfortunately for the Titans, they were slapped around last week by a Jets squad that punched them in the mouth and exposed several flaws. Their run defense is not impenetrable, their offense will abandon the run early and their receivers allow more balls allow more balls to slip through their hands than a Tijuana hooker on a Saturday night (Or TJ on a Tuesday night). These weaknesses will still be in Jeff Fisher’s dyed head as he prepares for the game. And Detroit will muster their last vestiges of self-respect as they avoid being embarrassed on a national stage. Look for them to cover…yet lose by 10. Take the Lions.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay (+3.5)
Wait a minute, the Bucs are the division leaders, two games better than the Saints in the win column and are playing at home, yet somehow the Saints are favored in this one? (Additional fact that makes this line even more odd: The NFC South has only lost two homes games all year.) I'd like to get all upset and talk about how the Bucs aren't getting any respect but, you see, I like the Saints in this one. Don't get me wrong, I think the Bucs are a better team, but I also think the Saints are especially dangerous now that their collective backs are against the wall. Simply put, I just don't think the Bucs will be able to score enough points to keep pace with a Saints offense that resembles an Arena League team the way they throw it all over the field. By the way, does anybody know any Charger fans? Do they start breaking things whenever they hear somebody mention Drew Brees or when Brees appears on their tvs? I know I would if I was them. I mean, now that its evident that the Chargers window is closing quickly, wouldn't just drive you fucking insane to know that your GM willingly gave up Drew Brees in favor of Phillip Rivers? Can you imagine what the San Diego offense would've/could've been like these last few years if AJ Smith had just re-signed Brees? My god, we're talking one of the all time great offenses here. Well, it seems I've gotten a bit off topic here. Anyway, like I said before, take the Saints.

Miami @ St. Louis (even)
There are some strange lines this week, with this one being the strangest. Did anybody else see Miami give a resurgent New England team all they could handle last Sunday? Has anybody else seen how historically bad this Rams team has been all year? Has anybody ever noticed how completely fucking gay the Dolphin's helmets are? The dolphin on the helmet is wearing a helmet too? Why? Is it a retarded dolphin that wears the helmet for protection or something? Also, why does the helmet that the dolphin is wearing have an "M" on it? If its a Miami Dolphin helmet then it should have the Dolphins' symbol on it, no? Does this dolphin play for the University of Minnesota? I'm really confused.

You know what else? I'm also really sick of Dan Dierdorf mistakenly identifying formations as the "Wildcat" when they clearly aren't (like when Chad Pennington lines up in the shotgun...thats not the Wildcat Dan, its just a QB lined up in the shotgun). Can't we get an intern or somebody in the booth to give Dan a signal when the Dolphins are actually in the Wildcat formation? I would've thought that Dan would have figured it out by now too, but its clearly not happening and I think its time for somebody over at CBS to step in. You know, like an intervention. Speaking of intervention, have you seen the duster episode yet? C'mon already. Just give in and watch it. TJ did and he's been talking about it for weeks now. You'll have plenty of time this weekend and I doubt you want to spend it all with your family. So, grab a can of duster, sit back and enjoy...It's like I'm walking on sunshine! And taking the Dolphins.

Pittsburgh (+1) @ New England
The Patriots seem to be surging as Matt Cassell is developing to the point where he can captain this well-armed warship. It pretty much clicked for the Pats moments after Norfolk, VA's own Bob Molinaro wrote this in the vomitorium he calls a column in the local paper. It's worth a quick click to see such insight and prescience as:

"Absent Brady, the Patriots are, at best, average. I suspect they'll only get worse as the year progresses and New England's limited offense finds it more difficult to cover up for the failures of the team's aging defense.

Then, maybe, people will begin to see Belichick for what he actually is: a decent coach who carried a modest portfolio until he lucked into the greatest quarterback of the current era, if not of all time.

Without Brady around to pull the fat out of the fire and take New England to four Super Bowls, would Belichick be recognized for his game-planning wizardry or simply as a dour, suspicious, hoody-wearing crank?"

Since Mollie wrote that in October, New England has gone 4-2; the two losses are at Indy (who seems to be resurging themselves) and against the Jets, everyone's pick as top AFC team right now. Both losses were by three points, with the Jets game going to OT. Seems Norfolk's resident genius was throwing dirt on the Pats' doorstep, not their coffin. That's just impolite. Gracious, is he just not very good at what he does, and he's sullying an otherwise fine newspaper.

Meanwhile, the Steelers are increasingly banged up, on the road, and absent a single win over a true Super Bowl contender this year. (Sadly, the Redskins have fallen from that status.) So, who is G:TB taking??

The Steelers. Thanks, Rob. (He says: "I just have a lot of confidence in the Steeler defense's ability to pressure Cassel and the Patriots have no appreciable run game to slow the Steeler pass rush.") It's the lock of the week. For the love of Pete, where's the damn hide-a-key?

(pick 5 coming shortly...)

Standings Update
It's been a while since we reviewed the standings of this ill-conceived wager. That's probably because for a while the Wheelhomers were doing the math for us, and as you can see, it hasn't been good news for them over the last few weeks. Here you go, boys.

Record thru games of Oct 19, as reported at the Wheelhouse:
"Wheelhouse: 21-14-0
G:TB, LLC: 16-19-0"

Since then:
Games of Oct 26
W: 22-17-1
G: 18-22

Nov 2
W: 24-20-1
G: 22-23

Nov 9
W: 27-22-1
G: 26-24

Nov 16
W: 29-25-1
G: 30-25

Nov 23 (CURRENT TALLY)
W: 32-27-1
G: 34-26

We Gheorghers have gone 16-4 over the last four weeks. Just based on the idiocy trying to pick and post games this week, looks like we'll come crashing back to earth.

Happy Turkey Day, turkeys.

See You Next Tuesday!

Yeah . . . so we're still waiting on a couple of stragglers to give us their take on the new GN'R album Chinese Democracy. Let's do this -- you guys listen to it a few times over the Thanksgiving holiday, and we will post the group review next Tuesday, December 2. Sorry for the delay, but trust us . . . you'll be thankful for it when it's out!

Quick Announcement

Just a placeholder . . . it seems that some but not all of us (not mentioning any names... yet) have compiled their thoughts on the new GN'R album Chinese Democracy. We promise to have it up sometime tomorrow.

The Ghoogles

The latest and greatest from the smorgasbord of searches that brought readers to G:TB from around the globe (more than a few of whom are obviously deranged and frankly scary) :

• "chinese democracy"
• slang click clack
• meg bulger bartender
• meg bulger sideline interview
• firefighters sex encounters
• huggy low down
• curt schilling's wife
• alfonso ribeiro shirtless
• thursdays with maury
• maura sullivan xmas eve in washington
• "christmas eve in washington"
• Christmas Eve in Washington
• christmas eve in washington
• "christmas eve in washington" maura sullivan
• christmas eve in washington song
• "bruce chen" myspace baseball
• stan kasten email phone number
• seasons greetings mother fucker
• steve tevere dismount
• back like cooked crack
• nfl gay
• amen sung at university of maryland football games
• pompatus
• "making fuck"
• i've been to the desert on a horse
• steak and bacon melt subway blog
• snl kevin kline italian flatulence
• what the fuck is robs problem
• beavis butt-head birthday
• bet caa blog drexel
• "bananarammers"
• Randy Newman :Kiss Me
• jason kidd armpit
• What basketball teams do Donnel and Ronnel Taylor play for?
• pizzeria uno bartender bobby moynihan
• what was james madison's favorite game to play in his childhood when he was 5-6
• Ryan Atwood, Fluffer
• every halloween the trees are full of underwear
• fabulous wealthy tarts
• costas buckhead
• beastie boys same old bullshit blogs
• jj hardy girlfriend
• bacon steak um melt subway
• dewon brazelton custody battle
• dick vermeil christmas song 12 days of christmas

I get quite a chuckle out of the (apparently several) poor souls who searched on Maura Sullivan's seminal Christmas Eve in Washington and found themselves sucked into the G:TB vortex.

A Very Special Futile Superfans Holiday

An ignominious autumn Saturday for the alma mater, as the William & Mary football team fell, 23-20, in overtime to arch-rival Richmond after committing 7 turnovers and the Tribe cagers went two better (worse?), succumbing to Navy, 102-99 in triple overtime. The loss to Richmond spelled the end of W&M’s 1-AA playoff aspirations, while the defeat at the hands of Navy may be a foreshadowing of a temporary (definitely temporary – in Tony Shaver G:TB trusts) return to times we don’t like to talk about at cocktail parties.

The Tribe carries a 1-3 record into the Thanksgiving break, when they face a fairly glamour-free set of matchups with Radford, South Carolina State, and either Liberty or Coker (I don’t know what that latter thing is, either). Anything less than 3-0 really isn’t all that good.

Tuesday, November 25 – Radford (2-1) @ William & Mary

As I’ve said before, and will undoubtedly say again, I think it’s phenomenal that Radford University chose to honor the criminally underrated Christopher Lambert with their mascot. The Highlanders (ironically, there are more than one…Houghton College, MacMurray College, New Jersey Institute of Technology, and the University of California, Riverside share the moniker) just gave UVA a scare, which may or may not mean anything, since Dave Leitao’s bunch is fairly dreadful. Nonetheless, Brad Greenberg’s squad is touted as a favorite in the Big South, mostly based on the fact that they return five starters (from a 20-loss team). Three days ago, I’d have written this off as an easy win for the Tribe, but today finds me in a pensive mood regarding the Green and Gold. They should win this one, but it’s no sure thing.

Saturday, November 28 – South Carolina State vs. William & Mary (@ Lynchburg, VA)

The Bulldogs are 3-0 as of this writing, having beaten Erskine, Allen, and Carver Bible College. At least W&M’s playing real colleges. Tribe should roll over their MEAC foe.

Sunday, November 29 – Liberty/Coker vs. William & Mary (@ Lynchburg, VA)

If W&M doesn’t play Liberty here, then something has gone really wrong (for either the Tribe or the Flames). So much so that I’m not even bothering to do any “research” on Coker. I assume it’s a small school from either North Carolina or Virginia, and may or may not be named for something related to coal mining. As for Liberty, hopes are high after the Flames landed Stephen Curry’s younger brother as the cornerstone of a top-50 recruiting class (Really? Liberty? Someone call the NCAA – this smells loaves and fishy, and using divine miracles is clearly a recruiting violation.) For the Tribe’s sake, let’s assume Liberty’s a year away from turning that into success on the court. W&M takes this one by a dozen.

Monday Morning Metal

It's entirely possible I've forced this video upon you before (though I actually think it was TS's other huge hit), but whatever, watch it again and enjoy even if that's the case. I'm a tad busy building a dirty bomb to send to 97.1 WASH FM. Oh yeah, how 'bout those J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets?

G:TB's Week 12 NFL Picks: You Don't Mess with the Zo(lt)han

San Francisco @ Dallas (-11)

Meatloaf is delicious, and underrated. On a chilly fall evening like the ones we're currently experiencing in the Mid-Atlantic, it's hard to beat a warm, moist, perfectly spiced hunk of baked ground beef glazed with a vaguely ketchuppy substance. Sometimes, a stew is nice, too, or a hearty winter soup. You can fuck right off with your sweet potatoes, though. I presume that Meatloaf, the singer, is less delicious, but he's probably equally underrated. I like the Cowboys to cover. And meatloaf. The food.

****************
Indianapolis (+3) at San Diego
Things we know: The Colts' offense is getting healthy. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego Sunday night. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego in 2009. LT is running on empty (but not like Jackson Browne sang about so many years ago). People believe in Peyton's arm more than they believe in Norval's brain.

Peter King likes the Chargers. He busted out the misleading stat that the Chargers haven't lost at home since Week 2. That's because they lost at home on Week 1. Ease up on the lattes, Petey! The Chargers are two games behind a smelly Broncos squad in the AFC West race. That makes them a terrible team. Enough said on that. The Colts will throw and run all over the hobbled San Diego defense in the balmy southern California air. They will have their "we're-definitely-back-in-the-thick-of-the-playoff-race" moment on Sunday night because they are fired up to play in a town named after a whale's vagina. Actually, that's not true. Nobody knows what San Diego means. Take the Colts. And sip on three fingers of Glenlivet while watching the game.

****************
Giants @ Arizona (+3)
You know what's fucking fantastic? The new Steak n' Bacon melt from Subway. I know, I know, Subway is the worst place to get a good sandwich that any of us could imagine and the food there is anything but fresh. Listen to me, disregard everything you know about Subway and get yourself one of these fine flatbread sandwiches. If you are hungover come Sunday morning (and you should be) take a trip up to your local Subway, make sure to never make eye contact with the troll, er, sandwich artist making your sandwich and get your ass back to the house in time for the 1 pm kickoff. I guarantee you it will not only be delicious but also just greasy enough to stem the tide of your "fuck, I'm 30 and this hurts way more than it used to" hangover.

What does all that have to do with this game? Do I have to spell everything out for you people?
See, Kurt Warner is Subway. He rose to prominence in the early 2000s with the Rams (Jared campaign) before quickly falling back to the pack of average NFL signal callers. Now, he's back to shredding defenses ($5 footlooongs) and praising Jeebus at every turn. Sadly, much like the Steak n' Bacon, Warner's resurgence is for a limited time only. He's going to get crushed by a relentless Giants pass rush on Sunday and Arizona's going to be eliminated in the first round of the upcoming playoffs. The Cardinals, like Subway, are only good in comparison to the rest of the NFC West (fast food). Take the Giants.

****************

Philadelphia @ Baltimore (-1.5)

Believe it or not, there is actually a Vegas line for back to back ties in the NFL (that's in the regular season for those classy QB's reading at home). It currently stands at 569 to 1. While I don't think I'd take even those odds, this will be a close game. The Ravens defense has been on a Ray Ray-imposed penance of raw meat and pickle juice since last week's embarassing performance versus the G-boys; so a safety or two will be the difference here. G:TB likes the Ravens in this one. Blackbirds win it 5-3.

G:TB Album of the . . . Time Period

Sunday is the day you've been waiting for! And by "you" I mean you, Bill Bailey. (Bill's more commonly known as W. Axl Rose.)

For Sunday, November 23 marks the day that the long-promised, not-as-long-awaited album Chinese Democracy appears in store. (sic, as it's only available at Best Buy). It's a piece of work that 's been worked on, scrapped, re-scheduled, mocked, announced, postponed, postponed again, mocked some more, finally finished, and shipped to Best Buys around the country for distribution this . . . Sunday? Apparently it's been so long that Axl has forgotten that albums traditionally get released on Tuesdays. Oh, I see, he's being irreverent, like when he donned the corn rows and when he smoked out of that cigarette extension holder thing. Good stuff.

Anyway, I don't know if there's any truth to the rumor that Axl just wanted a free Dr. Pepper (get yours online starting Sunday), but it's happening. Of course, lost in all of this is the music, and whether it will be reminiscent of the glory days of Slash, Izzy, & Duff or just dreck that the assemblage of GN'R wannabes who now comprise the roster churn out. We shall see (hear).

Gheorghe: The Blog / Music Division, despite the tone of this post, is going to take the high road and give Chinese Democracy the benefit of the doubt. We will purchase the record (that was for you, Mark), each take an extended listen, and conduct a group review of the album. This way you'll know whether it's worth the money to buy (or effort to pirate). We're cool like that . . . plus, it's been a rather dry autumn for album releases.

The review of Chinese Democracy will be posted on Gheorghe on Tuesday, November 25. Get fired up!

Something to hold you over until the Picks Post

It's not even Thanksgiving people, and yet this holiday gem was awaiting me as I flipped stations this morning on my way to the cracker factory:

Screw you 97.1 WASH FM.

King of the Dorks

In which we continue to celebrate the sublimely mediocre and the depth of human spirit required to keep marching forward despite overwhelming evidence that it's pointless.

Texas Tech/Oklahoma is sucking nearly all of the oxygen out of the college football atmosphere this weekend (I'll be in Norfolk celebrating the Tribe's effort against Richmond, so here's hoping Whitney and I can get the kids to bed and the wives distracted enough to watch it), but there's another bragging-rights game that is fascinating for a far different reason.


You'll hear a lot of noise in the next few weeks about one win making a team's season, as the Michigans, Auburns, and Armys of the world try to rationalize dismal campaigns. In the confrontation between Horshack and Screech, it might actually be true.

The 0-10 Huskies of Washington travel out to the Palouse to tangle with the 1-10 Washington State Cougars in the annual Battle for the Apple Cup. UDub is a bad, bad football team, as their winless record eloquently attests. Lame duck coach Ty Willingham's boys have been rolled by teams good and bad, only staying within single digits in losses to BYU (28-27) and Stanford (35-28). They've lost each of their last six Pac-10 tilts by more than 20 points.

But there's bad, and then there's Wazzu. The Cougars have already set a Pac-10 record for most points allowed in a season, with 533 - and they have two games still to play. They haven't kept a conference game within 25 points all season. Scratch that. They haven't kept an FBS game within 25 points all season (their lone win came against a bad FCS squad in Portland State). Wazzu is the worst team in the history of modern major-college football.

WSU's so bad they're a 7 1/2 point underdog. At home. Against a winless team. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Lay the lumber, Danny. Bet the farm. Round up all the apples and make Daddy a pie, 'cause Ty's getting himself a W this week.

And as a sad and cruel coda, both teams still have to play another game after this shitshow. UW goes to California to close their season, while WSU goes to Honolulu to take on Hawaii in what may well be the worst FBS game in 2008. Next to, you know, the Apple Cup.

It's the title of this article that really got me

Driver loses control after sneeze, hits river

BOSTON (AP) - An untimely sneeze nearly cost Andrew Hanson his life. The 42-year-old Weymouth man told authorities that a sneeze caused him to lose control of his pickup on Soldiers Field Road and plunge into Boston's Charles River on Tuesday.

Hanson was able to wade to shore after escaping from the truck, which was partially submerged in 4 feet of water. He was not seriously injured but was taken to a hospital as a precaution.

Lawrence Callahan of the Massachusetts Department of Conservation and Recreation said Hanson told him that after he sneezed, "the next thing he knew he was in the river."

I mean, I guess he's lucky he didn't sneeze and hit, oh, a tree I guess. Or a brick wall. Or the broadside of a barn. But really, not to play semantics here, but can someone really "hit a river"? A river, especially the Charles, is pretty hard not to "hit" if careening out of control in Boston. Am I being a callous pissant this morning? Absolutely.