Friday, December 10, 2010

G:TB Bills/Browns Preview Part II - Alternatively Titled "Bills/Browns Games are Like Herpes"

Last year's Bills/Browns preview became an internet sensation. I hope that this year's preview will be equally enthralling.

Athletes and venereal disease go hand-in-hand (or dork-in-muff?). Magic Johnson and Greg Louganis have
AIDS. Superstar Billy Graham has hepatitis C. Mickey Mantle's gonorrhea helped him lose the 1961 home run title to Roger Maris and Mike Tyson fought a championship fight while suffering from the clap. And many athletes are reported to have herpes, including Dave Winfield, Derek Jeter, and Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick.

Which smoothly segues into this year's Bills/Browns preview. This game is their fourth consecutive matchup since 2007. The Bills lost all three previous games by preposterously ugly scores of 0-8, 27-29, and 3-6. I see no reason why this game won't be just as ugly as the past three.

That's why this game is like herpes. It keeps coming back every year to blight the NFL's delicates. And it's a blight upon fans too. No one wants to turn on the TV and discover that they have Bills/Browns. There are warning signs before a flare-up -- when the schedule comes out and you see Bills vs. Browns, you say to yourself "I hope I don't get stuck with that shit." It's ugly. It's painful. You laugh at people who suffer from it. Bills/Browns games are, without a doubt, the most herpetic matchup in the NFL.

Luckily there's a cure for Bills/Browns; Cleveland won't finish last in their division this year and thus will likely spare us from Simplex Bowl V (Brought to you by Valtrex ... Valtrex puts the V in Simplex Bowl V!).

The 2010 Bills suck. As the Teedge sagely noted in this space, the Panthers are worse, but Buffalo is terrible. Gutless. Soft. Losers. And many other pejorative adjectives.

Their record is due in large part to their dearth of talent, which is due in large part to their dearth of drafting acumen, which is due in large part to Buddy Nix. Here's how their 2010 draft class performed through 12 games:

1/9: CJ Spiller - 48 rushes/199 yds; 20 rec/82 yds/1 TD; 33 kick ret/817 yds/1 TD.
2/41: Torrell Troup - 9 tackles, 9 assists.
3/72: Alex Carrington - 3 tackles, 1 assist, 1 sack.
4/107: Marcus Easly - has not played (IR).
5/140: Ed Wang - played in 4 games, 0 starts.
6/178: Arthur Moats - 1 tackle, 8 assists, 0.5 sack.
6/192: Danny Batten - has not played (IR).
7/209: Levi Brown - has not played.
7/216: Kyle Calloway - has not played.

To say that things didn't pan out at planned is an understatement. The most frustrating aspect of this drafting debacle is that the Bills took CJ Spiller #9 overall, even though they already had two decent-to-good running backs, and then gave him the ball 68 times over 10 games. What's the point? Getting a kick returner with the 9th pick is a luxury that bad teams (e.g., teams picking 9th overall) typically cannot afford. Perhaps they read my last Bills/Browns post and used the #9 pick on a running back in light of the whole Rob Johnson/Fred Taylor kerfuffle.

As I've ranted ad nauseum, the 2009 Bills could not stop the run and this year is no different. In fact the Bills are worse this year (ranked #32) compared to last year (ranked #31). Which makes Torrell Troup's poor performance particularly painful. When you have the worst run defense in the league, and you draft a DT in the 2nd round, and said DT can't get on the field ... you had a bad draft. Especially when you had the 9th overall pick in a draft featuring a number of good DT. At least Troup looks like a fun guy to bring to all-you-can-eat buffets.

Cleveland has played well of late and I expect them to win handily. Peyton Hillis is listed at 240 pounds; at least five of those pounds have to be the steroids coursing through his veins. He will demolish Buffalo's front seven and should rush for about 150 yards.


The one thing cutting in Buffalo's favor is Jake Delhomme's presence under center. When people think of Jake Delhomme, they think of soul. Not of a soldier, but of soul. Shining in the hearts of men. And crying. Soulfully perhaps, but not soldierly. And not ironically, not at all. And when I say "people," I mean some sad sack Panthers fans with video editing software. Mercifully I'm not one of them. Otherwise I would not only root for the worst team in the league, I would root for the worst team in the league alongside the same mope who put this video together.



So as you watch football this weekend, be thankful if you don't get stuck with a case of Bills/Browns, and be thankful for not being a Panthers fan. Otherwise you're gonna bring yourself down.

Final score: Browns 31, Bills 17

42 comments:

T.J. said...

I like that the Jake Delhomme Tribute video is literally frozen in epic face palm posture.

T.J. said...

Those are two very solid labels next to each other zman..."Buffalo Bills" and "herpes". Next edition of the ghoogles will be fun.

jerome said...

Good news WNY the game is blacked out. You received the Valtrex just in time.

rob said...

can zman preview the upcoming panthers/cardinals game, too?

zman said...

Sure, I take requests.

T.J. said...

Can I just post that awesome cripple fight clip from South park as that preview? It's been done before for a epic poo-poo nfl battle.

mayhugh said...

It's either that or your second favorite clip involving giant douche versus turd sandwich.

T.J. said...

Or Muppets rapping.

T.J. said...

Here we go putting together a Gheorghe-mas day of content... excellent...I'll get the clip post in draft.

Squeaky said...

Kerfuffle and herpetic in the same preview. Outstanding.

Dave said...

just showed my students some "murderball" to go along with an essay called "on being a cripple." have you guys seen this documentary about quad rugby? really good.

zman, i wish the giants were as bad as the bills because it generates such great posts-- i still love last year's "loathing" one. nice work.

TR said...

Murderball = great.

Murder = not so great.

rob said...

the smiths' 'meat is murder' = pretty excellent

counting crows' 'murder of one' = pretty dreadful

Dave said...

the phrase a "murder of crows" is great.

the phrase "to eat crow" is not so great.

zman said...

Fooling around with Cheryl Crow would be a great story. Fooling around with Russell Crowe would not.

Danimal said...

what the hell is going on up there inside the beltway? must be a fun week to work in d.c.
happy friday - beer thirty almost!

TR said...

That draft news is pretty bad for you, Zman. I know you were (and stil remain) a huge fan of Wang.

TR said...

I hear you on the beers, Danimal. After working four 12 hour days last week, I put in another 10 hours this weekend and followed that up with 11,13,13,14 hour days.

That said, I am already salivating at the thoughts of the 24 oz. Heineken can I will eat on my train home when I leave at 4:30 today. I found that

TR said...

...I insert sentence fragments at the end of my posts.

The Glove said...

guys, love the site! its great.. me and my buddies made a similar one- check out our site at:

And one for Ostertag

www.andoneforostertag.blogspot

or add us to ur blogroll!

thanks

Marls said...

Who knew that Gary Payton had such love for the Tag.

Dennis said...

I can not, on principle, promote a D-bag like Ostertag. I would, however, allow T-Jay to T-Bag Ostertag...

zman said...

When did TR go to law school?

TR said...

While we're on the subject of beer, my recommendation o' the week is Long Trail Blackberry Wheat. There's a fuckton of deliciousness in each 12 oz. bottle.

Dave said...

any beer with wheat and berry in the title is for pansies. i counter your recommendation with boddingtons pub ale, which has one of those little widget things that makes it taste good.

rob said...

my aunt and uncle used to live near the long trail brewery in vermont, and would frequently bring me samples when they came through town.

that said, dave's right about the lack of masculinity implied by the consumption of berry/wheat beer.

TR said...

i hate you both.

zman said...

You're all wimps. I drink rubbing alcohol.

Squeaky said...

Boddingtons Pub ale is the pansy version of Guinness.

Long Trails' Blackberry Wheat is tasty but if you have more than one in a sitting, you might be a pansy.

You try their Double Bag Ale. Very tasty and potent.

Marls said...

The Zman and Kitty Dukakis, gettin drunk on medicinal spirits since 1988.

Danimal said...

Bourbon breastmilk cocktails for me. Creamy. Nutritious. Cheap.

Mark said...

Breastmilk...you made my daa-aaay!!

Also, Cam Newton probably should've stuck to not giving interviews. His time with Chris Fowler has only resulted in him looking like and even bigger liar than most of us already thought he was.

zman said...

Go uptown and get me some Ethiopian breast milk. I only drink the finest breast milk.

Danimal said...

that's skim milk z...i like whole

Greg said...

And Sheryl Crowe has herpes. It all comes full circle.

Mark said...

Delaware and New Hampshire have struggled mightily to keep my attention this evening.

Danimal said...

A unh score here would make it interesting

Mark said...

Dan...thought you should know you whiffed badly on me & Z's Chappelle's Show/breast milk reference yesterday. Showing your age...again.

Danimal said...

Yeah. That's a whiff. And I don't remember the episode either. I'm an embarrassment.

Igor said...

In a cab on the way to the Army Navy game. Cabbie says there will be 69,000 people at the game. Well all right.

Danimal said...

Cool. U got ur officer's uniform on?

T.J. said...

New post up...it's a glamor shot of me.