Friday, December 31, 2010

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Eleven

On the Eleventh Day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me an 11 point comparison of U2's guitarist vs. G:TB's Doofus Overlord

(More than) ten past-year memories...


Nine Clips You Tubin'
Eight Wren-based Nuggets...
A Seven Point Loss;

Six games worth watching (and picking);
Five Combined Wins;
Four Compliments For T.J.
;
Three French Hens;
Two Dope-ass Rhymes (and a whole mess of sub-par ones as well);
And a Doofus Dancing (Amidst a Really Long and Grumpy Analysis of the New Kanye West Album)
.




TJ has lots of nicknames. Doofus Overlord. TeeJay. The Teej. DJ Toil. Big Pasty. Greazy Bacon. Baby Peanitz. I like to call him Teedge. I don't think Teedge has ever done H, but if you put H in Teedge you get The Edge. Or a pale tweeked-out doofus with needle tracks and an empty bank account.

Maybe it would be better to say that if you take the H out of The Edge you get Teedge. Which is not to say that H is altogether bad -- it gave us "White Light White Heat" and "Waiting for the Man."





I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about Teedge, but I guess he's my muse as he inspired the 11th Day of Gheorghemas 2010. On Day 11, Big Gheorghe gave to me an 11 point comparison of U2's guitarist vs. G:TB's Doofus Overlord.

Musical talent

We have to get this out of the way. I'm not much of a U2 fan, but The Edge manages to make hundreds of millions of dollars selling his music. Rolling Stone put him at #24 on their list of the top 100 guitarists of all time. Hardcore G:TB readers know how I feel about RS and their ranking systems, but this accolade has to count for something.

Teedge makes tens of guys groan in disapproval with his musical stylings at OBFT. Even when Teedge limits himself to playing the radio his performance is subpar.

Advantage: The Edge

Coolness

The Edge is a goddamn rock star. He's the guitarist for the biggest rock band on the planet. His band is so big that they have their own stamp. He's married to some much younger belly dancer. He's actively involved with numerous charities, and he contributed songs for the stage adaption of "A Clockwork Orange."

Teedge is ... I'm not sure what he is. His job involves sending lots of emails and attending lots of meetings, and it requires a Blackberry and pleated-front khakis. He holds the title of Doofus Overlord at what is at best the fourth-biggest Gheorghe Muresan-inspired blog on the planet. He went to William & Mary, where he hung out with me.

This isn't even close.

Advantage: The Edge

Dancing ability





Advantage: Teedge, all day

Irish taxi driving

Teedge is an accomplished Irish taxi driver, but The Edge is actually from Ireland.

Advantage: tie

Sekshul prowess

As previously stated, The Edge is a goddamn rock star married to an underaged belly dancer. Chances are he gets it done with more ease and aplomb than Tiger Woods.

Teedge is surprisingly successful with the ladies, given his physical limitations. And by that I'm not referring to his bizarre head-to-shoulder-width ratio, ghostly complexion, Shaquesque feet, or beachball belly. I refer instead to his ample supply of slim-fit condoms.



It's likely that both Teedge and The Edge suffer from the Irish Curse so rockstardom carries the day here.

Advantage: The Edge

Sartorial splendor

Teedge likes to rock a Bills jersey over festive attire. The Edge likes to wear a skully over all-black clothes.








Advantage: Teedge (the Bills jersey is an unfair advantage, even if it's an OJ jersey)

Humor

I can't find a single image of The Edge where he's trying to be funny. Teedge is always trying to be funny and typically succeeds. For instance:



Advantage: Teedge

Drinking ability and overall tolerance for inebriating substances

The Edge is a goddamn rockstar and rockstars party like, well, rockstars. But have you ever partied with Teedge? I remember the time Teedge vomitted blood and then drank a beer to settle his stomach. Even now as an old man he puts on otherworldly performances at OBFT. Even when he doesn't get the dosages right and he can't form sentences, Teedge is always up late, hanging out, in it to win it, hoping someone else will order the pizza, looking for cornhole, and losing at poker.

Advantage: Teedge

Mustache



Advantage: Teedge (all day)

Sports Knowledge

Teedge knows lots about sports. It has been said of Teedge that he:

1) Is phenomenal.
2) Knows his stuff.
3) Knows Everything.
4) Nails it.

"Nails it" could also apply to the "sekshul prowess" category above, I'm not sure, but I'm including it in this category and if you don't like it go to hell, this is my Day 11 Gheorghemas post. Go get your own.

Teedge appeared on sports talk radio three times (look under "What is Gheorghe" on the right). He is Le (Petit) Coq Sportif.

The Edge appears on the radio but only on crap stations that play pop music and he doesn't actually say anything. He's Irish so he probably only knows about soccer, which is a crap sport. Gaelic football and hurling are Irish too, but I have no idea what they entail. But one sounds like a lewd act and the other is a euphamism for vomitting. All of this means that The Edge doesn't know shit about sports.

Advantage: Teedge

Gheorgheness

The Edge is 49 years old and he calls himself The Edge. It appears that he only wears black. He hides his balding pate under a wool beanie. He doesn't smile. He takes himself very very seriously.



Teedge is a preposterous mess. He writes and Doofus Overlords for Gheorghe: The Blog. He knows Gheorghe.



Advantage: Teedge

Final score: Teedge 7.5, The Edge 3.5

And thus we have scientific proof that Teedge is better than The Edge (in fact he's twice as good, mathematically speaking), which means that under the transitive property G:TB is better than U2. Pretty soon we'll be raking in hundreds of millions of dollars and we'll have our own Romanian stamp.

A joyous Eleventh Day of Gheorghemas and happy new year to you all.

24 comments:

T.J. said...

I can't believe I won. Knowing danimal, he had the Edge -3.

zman said...

Some might say that the categories were skewed in your favor, but those folks are donkeys.

rob said...

this post may cause me to reevaluate the 2010 g:tb mvp.

might not, too.

T.J. said...

Charlie Weis might be the Gators OC?

Oh my.

Greg said...

Tour du Force piece, Zman. Dynamite article. I will be drinking with Teejus in a few.

Whitney said...

And there will be a complete and happy Gheorghemas in 2010. Day 12 set to pop at 6:09 PM.

No peeking.

rob said...

so day 11 and day 12 are the same day? this is really confusing. and appropriate.

Danimal said...

well done. my affinity for the teej has grown yet stronger, which i didn't think possible. would have given the edge to the edge, at least -6 1/2

TR said...

6:09 PM ET is after midnight in Romania. So it's a new day to Gheorghe.

T.J. said...

Ah, Verne and Gary calling the Sun Bowl. Good times.

zman said...

If your wife is 7 monhts pregnant and she says "I can't believe how big I am" the correct response surprisingly isn't "You're going to get a lot bigger before this is over. Don't look at me like that. You wanted a kid, there he is."

Danimal said...

IRIIIIIIISH!!!!!!!

Mark said...

First beer of the day...tasty. Jacory Harris' first pick of the day...equally tasty.

Charlie Weis in jorts? Not very tasty, but I like it.

Danimal said...

Charlie is big into tanning....look for him in Gainesville in 2011

TR said...

Hey The Teej - Here is what to root for on Sunday: Jets win, Ravens win, Colts win, Steelers loss, Chiefs loss. That puts the Jets at 5 and has them playing at KC next week. And that means the Ravens, as the 6th seed, would play at NE if they beat the 3 seed Colts. That means Jets would travel to Pitt, not NE in the divisional round.

I think it's likely that this exact turn of events will occur.

Mark said...

The Chefs are pretty good at home, TR. Be careful. And Jacory Harris can't be the starting QB at Miami next year. Not if Al Golden cares about winning and rebuilding the program.

Dave said...

long live the teedge! i would much rather down beers with the teedge and a bottle of ketchup at tortugas than party with mr. edge.

heading out to my favorite party of the year-- my friends set their clocks four hours ahead and we fool the kids into thinking they've stayed up until midnight (i think we use bangkok's ball drop off the laptop) and i get so drunk that i forgoet the clock is set back that i think it's actually new year's as well, pass out at ten and get a full night's sleep.

Mark said...

Future wife's birthday is today. We're doing our 3rd Annual NYE/Birthday Party & Beer Pong Tournament. Winning team gets engraved beer mugs. I won last year so I'll be drinking from my 2009 mug all night. Once I go pick up the keg and liquor, that is.

Mark said...

San Diego State is ranked 7th in the country? That seems...aggressive.

T.J. said...

I'm excited for FSU/Cocks...anyone else?

T.J. said...

If you're 22, balding and within (tiny) earshot of the Teej...should you piss him off?

T.J. said...

Oh, and wearing a choker...

TR said...

I too am at a party w/ beer pong. First NY Eve party for us since 2006. I will pass out at 2 AM, our babysitter will make $100 and I will wake up with hyper kids and a splitting headache at 7 AM. But the scotch is tasty right now, so I'll focus on that. After I'm done blowing out my friend's basement bathroom, that is.

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