Sunday, December 05, 2010

War Dreams: Greasetruck Style

When Harold Ramis and Bill Murray visit the Army recruiter in Stripes, the recruiter asks if they are homosexuals. Harold Ramis replies, "No, but we're willing to learn." I like his attitude. It's true that John and Russel didn't really have a clue about the Army, but at least they were willing to give it a try. Occasionally, I feel the same way (not about trying out homosexuality, but about joining the military).



We've been at war for nearly the last decade, and although I don't agree with the reasons we are over in Afghanistan and Iraq, I do feel like I'm less a man because I haven't served. I have missed out on the ultimate experience: warfare. I've never disassembled an M-16 or driven a tank or shot a flamethrower. I've lived in the Middle East, but instead of rooting out terrorist cells and defusing IED's, I was eating cheap falafel and teaching Romeo and Juliet.

 Hopefully, I will always lack this ultimate experience, because though I'm not as old as the narrator of this new Greasetruck song, I am close. It is too late for me, unless the war comes to our soil, and if that happens, I'm definitely screwed. I don't own any guns, and while-- unlike the narrator-- I have shot a gun, it was twenty years ago. G:TB founder Rob was with me, and we were shooting skeet, and we were not very accurate (perhaps Rob can verify, but I vaguely remember someone shooting a bunch of drying towels full of buck-shot holes . . . I'm not sure who it was).

I've got no survival skills to speak of, because instead of learning manly things like how to fix machinery and live off the land and use automatic weapons, I followed the advice of John Cougar Mellencamp and forgot "all about that macho shit and learned how to play guitar." If you listen closely, you'll hear me play an extremely macho solo for the entire length of this song. The style is classic Greasetruck: with pitch-shifting in both directions, and not one but two monologues.

War Dreams by Greasetruck


I dream of going to war.
I dream of going to war.
Bivouac on a foreign shore.
Tell a tale the girls can’t ignore (and they usually ignore me).


I want to drop some bombs (I never dropped a bomb).
I want to shoot someone (I never shot no one).

I’m only half a man-- just like John Wayne and Frank Sinatra.

I dream of going to war.
I dream of going to war.
Pull the pin, hit the floor.
But I just turned forty four. (I spend a lot of time indoors)

I want to be a man (in Afghanistan).
I want to claim some land (I lack in land).

I want to drive a tank through the desert sand.
I want my meals from a can.

I dream of going to war.
Do my tour, get me some.
I dream of going to war.
But I never shot a gun.
(I don’t even know how to load a gun. Or how to take the safety off. Or what to do about recoil.)

I do not own a gun-- I can’t shoot no one
The revolution will come (and I’ll have to run).

I can’t protect my wife and sons . . .
I’m good at having fun-- that won’t help no one.

I need to attend one of those volunteer militia training camps in the Midwest. I don’t know how to shoot a gun or skin a deer or start a fire in the rain or crawl through a trench or protect myself from mustard gas. I don’t own any camouflage. I don’t know how to peel back properly during an ambush. I don’t even actually know what the word “bivouac” means. When the barbarians storm the gates, will I be able to protect my family with absurd songs and humorous anecdotes? With my prodigious vocabulary and my ability to provide synonyms?  Will my knowledge of science-fiction prove useful? This is doubtful.

The revolution will come (I’ll be overrun).
I should have learned to shoot a gun (instead of having fun).
How can you fight the Hun (when you can’t shoot a gun).

I dream of going to war.
I dream of going to war.
But I just turned forty four
I just turned forty-four

So maybe I’ll get a Harley instead. Or a jet-ski. Or a mistress. That sounds far better than combat. I could never deal with one of those Full Metal Jacket hard-ass Sergeants. It’s too late for me toughen up. If I was I was the protagonist of that Cormac McCarthy book, The Road, protecting my son after the apocalypse, the book would be seven pages long. I wouldn’t make it out of the cul-de-sac. My son would end up being a catamite. I really need to get myself some automatic weapons. And I need to learn how to use them.

66 comments:

Mr. Truck said...

it's easy to write a post when the giants are winning this game so handily.

rob said...

i'm fairly certain i was the one who shot the towels. and immediately handed the gun to joe. that's the last time i've pulled the trigger of a firearm.

rob said...

the towels that were hanging off the corner of the deck of joe's parents' house. so technically, i shot joe's parents' house.

rob said...

dwayne bowe, stop sucking

zman said...

You and rob shot skeet together, but you allege you have no interest in dabbling in homosexuality?

zman said...

McNabb plays like Rob Johnson.

T.J. said...

Browns/Dolphins are who we thought they were...

T.J. said...

How many total turnovers in Vikes/Bills? 6?

T.J. said...

Rob, so sad to hear the Arian Gonzalez deal to Sox fell through...

And you all need to see Donald Driver's beast TD.

zman said...

I thought Donald Driver was out for the year.

zman said...

Yes, 6 turnovers.

T.J. said...

You're not very good at fantasy football, are you?

zman said...

I should have started Chris Ivory.

zman said...

No. Otherwise Jonathan Stewart and Randy Moss would be on the bench.

zman said...

That was a beastific TD.

zman said...

38 unanswered points.

zman said...

This is all my fault. Last night a friend opined that Chan Gailey should be Coach of the Year for generating so much offense with so little talent. I stupidly assented.

T.J. said...

From 6 to 9 turnovers?

zman said...

I guess that's fratty.

T.J. said...

Bengals!

zman said...

Bengals.

T.J. said...

Bungles.

T.J. said...

Carson Palmer, bama.

Dave said...

rob, i'm glad that was you who shot the towels. i wouldn't want to have the death of a bunch of innocent towels on my conscience.

T.J. said...

Stephen J. McTowlie.

zman said...

Tom Cable wore his bowling league shirt.

Mark said...

Bucs are blacked out again. That's every home game this season. Again, I live 3 hours from Tampa. This vexes me greatly.

No big deal, it's not like it's a big game or anything.

T.J. said...

Tied at 14. Good game. Sorry dude.

Danimal said...

i have the bucs game. or do i have the atlanta game?

Mark said...

Jayson Weth signed with the Nats for 7 years and $126 million? That seems...steep.

T.J. said...

When your the Nats, you're paying that premium.

Danimal said...

apostrophe police?

T.J. said...

I've eluded them down a dark alley...hiding in a dumpster.

Danimal said...

nice finish in process at tigger's tourney...he's pooped the bed today and made it intersting...tied or 1 up going into last hole vs mcdowell

Danimal said...

anyone see that shot?

T.J. said...

Dude...football.

rob said...

no, do tell, danimal

Danimal said...

now in sudden death...but tiger had a downhill lie, 183 yards out - he stuck it about 10 inches....mcdowell put it about 15 feet away but then made the putt...1st hole of sudden death right now

T.J. said...

Oh yes this is quite good...

T.J. said...

Um, Mark, awesome game in Tampa. Go to a bar.

rob said...

i'm gonna fail to make my fantasy football playoffs because i decided to pick up matt cassel and start him over matt schaub. i deserve to lose.

Danimal said...

wow. mcdowell just did it again...drained a 20 footer for birdie...tigger on deck. stay tuned.

Danimal said...

tiger circling the putt. reading. breathing. living. not thinking about whoo-ahs. goatee back. sunday red.

Danimal said...

practice strokes

Danimal said...

addresses

Danimal said...

and...wait for it...

misses and LOSES

Mark said...

TJ - I'd be at a bar if it were that easy. NFL blackout rules extend to DirecTV as well.

T.J. said...

I did not realize that.

Daaaaaagger.

Danimal said...

cult on the 101 - guitar sessions

Mark said...

Apparently, I was going to get the last few minutes of Tampa's game as "bonus" coverage. But the Colts just tied up Dallas at 35 with 30 seconds left. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

zman said...

Creamsicle unis.

mayhugh said...

It's going to be weird not having the Colts in the playoffs.

I watched a total of 7 minutes of the Skins game. Bear in mind I've been hung over all day, and the only times I've left my place are to get my iPod out of my car and then to walk to the mailbox.

Growing up I hated the Bucs' unis. Now they are cool.

Mark said...

Sammie Stroughter!

zman said...

Does Bernanke's lip always twitch this much?

Mark said...

The Bucs unis bring back both good memories (going to the games with my Dad and sister) and bad memories (terrible, demoralizing losses over and over again) but I've definitely grown to love them.

Mark said...

Mother. Fucker.

zman said...

The Falcons have a guy with a flat-top fade. That's fly.

zman said...

It looks like there's 30 years worth of mold growing on the ceiling of Tampa's vistor's locker room.

mayhugh said...

Wheelhouse Jerry - I'd like to submit my request for you to review the NBC debut of "The Cape". It looks like it could be a monumental catastrophe.

rob said...

"business decision" by mendenhall. i like that.

TR said...

The Werth contract will prove to be one of the worst big contracts ever signed.

I can't believe he got 7 years.

rob said...

scott boras is a genius.

TR said...

Mayhugh - sorry to be late on this, but what did the Sunday mailman bring you?

rob said...

connecticut vs. oklahoma in the fiesta bowl. i think even the fiesta bowl's organizer might support a playoff at this point. and no way in hell more than 11 stanford fans travel to miami. in fact, the only games on that slate i'm remotely interested in are the rose and the national championship.

rob said...

it's only a matter of time before someone's killed in an nfl game. not sure what you can do about it, but it's going to happen.

mayhugh said...

I don't check my mail every day, so I had Friday and Saturday in there. Is that weird?