Hot August Mornings

Neil Diamond thanks the Lord for the night time, but this guy (Editor's note: author pauses to point two thumbs at himself) thanks the Lord for the morning time. And cable TV. And my DVR. For the confluence of these inventions will allow me to satiate my growing thirst for EPL soccer.



While the hot-shot bachelors amongst the tens of our readers will do things this weekend like (Editor's note: author pauses to prepare his Bennett Brauer impersonation) "drink at bars," "see live music" and "score with chicks," the author will do things like "get infant feces on my hand," "fold laundry" and "drink scotch alone on my couch." But the saving grace of my weekend will be back-to-back mornings of EPL heavyweights in action.

On Saturday morning, ESPN2 will show Man U's third match of the season at 9:55 AM. The Red Devils will match up against a feisty Wigan United squad that I know nothing about. They have a new coach, they had an impressive two-nil win over Aston Villa in their first match, and followed that up with a shut-out loss to Wolverhampton in their second match.

Man U, also 1-1 on the season, hopes to bounce back from a shocking loss to recently promoted Burnley on Wednesday. The team has lost some of its firepower from last year due to the departure of the flamboyantly talented hooker-loving Cristiano Ronaldo and the Argentinian spark-plug striker (and fan-favorite) Carlos Tevez, who was like the team's Vinnie Johnson, minus the short shorts. And jump shot. Man U is also hurting on defense, as ageless keeper Edwin Van Der Sar will be out a couple months after thumb surgery. Back-up keeper Ben Foster was shaky in sparse playing time last season. He will have to step it up in a big way if Man U wants to repeat this season.

Other Man U players to watch:

Nemanja Vidic - The bruising Serbian stopper was voted the team's player of the year by his teammates. He is a brute on the back-line, a superior version of the US' Oguchi Onyewu, with some Ivan Drago mixed in. He stepped up last season while fellow defender Rio Ferdinand suffered with some injuries. He is the uber-swarthy fellow at left in the picture above.

Dimitar Berbatov - The enigmatic striker was showered with the fans' jeers for most of the season as his seemingly laconic play disappointed them, in contrast with Tevez' constant energy. Berbatov even found himself on the bench a lot as Man U charged ahead late in the season. But he remains a lethal striker with a cannon foot. He will be under a lot of pressure to replace Ronaldo's goal-scoring production and make things happen up front with Wayne Rooney and new addition Michael Owen.

If this match-up doesn't whet your whistle, you can watch another great match at 11 AM on Sunday morning. The Fox Soccer Channel will show Chelsea facing off against Clint Dempsey's Fulham squad. Dempsey was recently re-signed by Fulham and has become a fixture on the field. So it makes it that much more fun to root against Chelsea.

As hated as they may be (by your humble author), Chelsea has a fantastic pool of talent. Up front, Didier Drogba is one of the most skilled strikers in the world, despite perpetually featuring some of the worst hair you'll ever see. He's seen on the left in the picture to the left, next to Belgian native (and Everton player) Marouane Fellaini, who is included because, well, you have to include an afro like that. Anchoring the middle of the field is German Michael Ballack, a guy who plays the game the way it should be played - extremely physical every second of the match, yet not a dirty player. He cemented his reputation as one of the best players in the world at the 2002 World Cup, where, as a 25 year-old, he helped lead Germany to the finals. He is now past his prime, but he's still a lock-down player, almost like a Ray Lewis type.

So saddle up to the telly, gents. With a DVR and a cup of hot joe, you can buzz through each match in less than two hours.