Thursday, August 06, 2009

Worlds Colliding

G:TB's sphere of interest is expansive, spanning sports, facial hair, scotch, and public policy, just to name a very few. Imagine our glee, then, when two of our favorite subjects intersect, and in a manner that's exceedingly absurd. And if the absurdity is of our making, well, so much the better.

Last week, teddy bear/roid monger David Ortiz expressed bewilderment about reports that he'd tested postive for performance enhancing drugs. In a prepared statement, Ortiz said in part, "I have already contacted the Players Association to confirm if this report is true. I have just been told that the report is true. Based on the way I have lived my life, I am surprised to learn I tested positive."

Today, as reported by the Toronto Star, Papi "is still waiting for additional information regarding a positive test for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003. Before last night's game at Tampa Bay, Ortiz said he will share the information, including what was in his system, with the Red Sox and the public. "I'm trying to," Ortiz said. "It's frustrating, but I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. I think about it every day."

The solution, ladies and gentlemen, is as plain as the glove on your hand. We have an active athlete in the middle of a heated pennant race, obviously too busy to focus on what is sure to be a tedious and long-ranging investigation into the truth. In a happy coincidence, we have a retired athlete with several years experience "investigating" specious self-made claims and all the time in the world to pursue the various rabbit trails a thorough examination of Papi's drug story would entail.

Papi, meet O.J. O.J., Papi. If the test ain't there, conviction ain't fair.

23 comments:

rob said...

oj being in jail puts a small crimp in this plan, but only a small one.

TR said...

Maybe OJ is living large in the clink like Pablo Escobar was in Colombia - coke parties, ladies coming and going, still running his criminal enterprise...

Or maybe he's being pounded in the ass like Andy DuFresne.

rob said...

young nattily-dressed black guy that works for me told me my suit/shirt/tie combo had 'nice flow'. i don't know what that means, but i think i like it.

zoltan said...

I think that, in this context, "nice flow" means "that outfit makes you look short."

rob said...

that's certainly a logical conclusion.

Geoff said...

Rob's bean shopping at Sean John again.

Geoff said...

Bean? I don't even haven an excuse for that.

rob said...

keep going, you'll get it.

TR said...

OshKosh makes some fly threads that could work for Rob.

zoltan said...

Garanimals?

mayhugh said...

I'd like to tell you that OJ fought the good fight, that the Sisters let him be...

(yes, I know Simmons used that like a week ago)

On an unrelated note, does anybody wanna drive to AC tomorrow night? With me? Or at least give me your EZ pass?

Whitney said...

EZ-Pass: in the list of Top 10 technological advancements in the last 20 years to make my life better.

rob said...

rashard lewis needs oj's help, too.

Mark said...

And somebody needs to show him how to properly take PEDs. Because, while he's a very good basketball player, his body isn't anything other than the NBA average AND its looked the same for the 6-8 years.

TJ said...

John Hughes just died...someone at corporate already sent the memo re. tomorrow's post.

rob said...

new yankee stadium is a joke

rob said...

like i said, a fucking joke.

rob said...

really, really fucking funny joke.

TR said...

Smoltz is the joke. And Traber is the punch line. Just don't call Melky's shot a cheapie. Anything in the second deck would've gone out in the old stadium. And Posada's would've gone out anywhere.

I would like to see Joba get through 6 innings here to save the pen. Throwing 6 straight balls ain't gonna do it.

rob said...

i wrote the first one after kotchman's homer, but pedroia and damon's were cheap, too. smoltz, sadly, is probably done. traber was done before he started. and i hope joba's arm falls off.

but melky's was a bomb.

rob said...

can these two teams ever play a game that lasts less than 4 hours?

Mark said...

Don't you people have another blog for baseball related banter? I'd prefer that this space be used for it's intended purpose...dick jokes and weed references.

rob said...

there's no fucking chance derek jeter breaks pete rose's record. this is an absurd discussion.

dick joke.

pineapple express.