Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I Go to the Indiana State Fair...and Survive (Barely)

Some of you may remember I had a pretty fun time at the fair last year, so I figured this time around I'd chronicle my gastronomical conquests in picture form for our loyal readers (right now rob is sobbing in his office, realizing this is the post that pushes his LeBron extravaganza down the page). No more intro required, let the gluttony begin...

Arrive at the fair

It's 95 degrees and humid as shit. I'm a moron and didn't wear a t-shirt. Land war in this blunder. Tough start to day.

Regular corn dog, small diet Pepsi

I mean, it's the fair. You've got to start with a corn dog. And you have to be careful in your corn dog selections - they need to be fresh out of the fryer or else they're not worth it. If you go to a stand that only has corn dogs rotating on a rack, move on. It's not like you're limited in corn dog stand choices.

Pick up free Blow Pop from Better Business Bureau of Indiana at ridiculous Expo Hall

The BBB slogan? "Don't Be a Sucker". Seriously folks, the team of monkeys you had working around the clock couldn't come up with something better? [Note: Blow Pop was eaten as "dessert" exactly 12 hours later]

Sample Shoup's new hogburger

It's freakin' delicious. Went back through the line two more times.

Photo op with Indiana state hero Veal Armstrong...and a talking goat

Stepping into the different animal barns at the fair is like walking through a portal into another dimension. A dimension of denim and poor dental hygiene. Hard to describe, but entertaining as all hell.

Pulled pork BBQ sandwich from the Indiana Pork Association, another diet Pepsi
You like how I keep getting the diet sodas, as if that's gonna make a difference?

Snack on other people's absurd World Famous King Taters

What exactly are they, you say? Take a look.

Fish fry (jackson pollock white fish), yet another small diet Pepsi

The fish fry stand had zero shade around it. I almost passed out waiting for this item.

Ribeye steak sandwich at Indiana Beef Association tent, a Lemonade

Starting to develop some serious stomach issues at this point, had to stop halfway through this sandwich as I had the meat sweats. Genuine concern is starting to show on the folks I am at the fair with. Burgess Meredith urges me on.

Deep fried pizza, more diet Pepsi

In six hours I've developed diabetes and have surely clogged three arteries. And a big middle finger to deep fried pizza. What a disappointment. I assumed we would take a slice of pie, dip it in a fryer, and then hand it to me. Nope - the dough is simply fried and then lathered with marinara sauce and some cheese. Of course I still ate the whole damn thing.

Deep fried cookie dough

Anyone had a portable defibrillator?

One chicken tender, one fry, one ping only

By now we are at the Keith Urban concert at the fair (I would never be called a country music fan by any stretch, but I have now seen this guy twice, and he puts on a damn good show). Apparently, if you are a female going to a Keith Urban concert, you wear daisy dukes so short the pockets show and cowboy boots that make you like like an Amarillo whore. And you wear that no matter what shape or size you are. I was partially blinded by some of the sartorial choices.

Exit fair.
Victory pose. Note corndog stick in right hand.

Obviously, I have no choice but to go back next year. However, I need your help in deciding how I'll entertain myself in Year 3, without ended up in the ICU of St. Vincent's.


TJ said...

Yes, I am fully aware the formatting is a debacle right now. Working on it.

Too Good For You said...

Good. I was concerned a coworker would start emailing you otherwise.

rob said...

hey, if anything was going to push lebron down, i'm glad it was that. i'm also very, very tickled by the thought of the people coming here from external links to the lebron thing and seeing you in your glory.

rob said...

and the formatting is fannntastic. like you did this post in crayon.

rob said...

the next to last picture is a little bit of a cry for help.

TJ said...

The chicken tender photo? Oh yes.

Meredith said...

edible aneurisms...what's not to love.

Sophia Stuart said...

Deep fried cookie dough? Uh, that sounds amazing

TJ said...

I think you ladies need to get back to work.

Whitney said...

I believe TR mentioned a "Pork Tent" also being present during his review of the AVN Convention, but I think it was vastly different.

zoltan said...

I got heartburn just from reading that post. TJ has about 15 pounds of fried plant matter permanently lodged in his colon.

TJ said...

We are now the top entry on ghoogle if you type in "amarillo whore"

That didn't take very long.

jerome said...

Next year - more pics of the public. That's better than the freak show....or is it the freak show?

TJ said...

Year Three: TJ Meets the Troglodytes

rob said...

the pony picture is now my favorite.

Michael said...

TJ, where are all the pictures of the tail? Indiana is a hot bed of talent. How did you get into the fair with a collared shirt on? I thought that they weren't allowed.

I'll go with you next year if you give me some notice.

Don't think that the timing of the fried cookie dough eating escaped these eyes. well played.

TJ said...

I did that just for you Michael.

And as Work Jerry and now you have suggested, photos of the attendees at the fair will be next year's focus. Sometimes thought it is hard to tell the guy with the shaved head/three foot mullet that I need him to pause for a photo so I can post it to the internet and mock him mercilessly.

And yes, there were certainly some attractive dames at the fair...

Shlara said...

TJ--that was both funny and gross.
And, why didn't you get your photo taken with the butter cow sculpture?

Mark said...

The pony picture should be TJ's Xmas card. I'm sure his wife would understand.

I'm disappointed there wasn't a deep fried snickers tent, or a deep fried White Castle stand. Step your game up, Indiana State Fair.

TJ said...

Things that you could get that were deep fried:
pizza (rip off)
cookie dough
milky way
reeses peanut butter cups

TJ said...

Mark, strong move by your Cardinals to sign Smoltz. Coming back to the National League and escaping the AL East is going to ease his pain.

Mark said...

Some PEDs would probably be more helpful. Tough to get too excited about that move, imo. I mean, maybe he gives them a few quality five inning/3 earned kind of starts but really, I don't expect much.

TJ said...

If he would swallow his pride I still think he could excel as the 8th inning guy for them in front of Franklin.

TJ said...

I'd like to run over the "think with your dipstick jimmy" guy with a bus. Then throw it in reverse and back over him again to make absolutely sure he could never irritate me again.

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