Saturday, March 26, 2016

Rappers Are In Danger

KRS-ONE's lyrics are timeless. "Sound of the Police," "Bo! Bo! Bo!," and "Who Protects Us From You?" are all 20+ years old but these anthems against police brutality are relevant today. "P Is Free," "Love's Gonna Get'cha," "Drug Dealer," and "Illegal Business" are also 20+ years old but still reflect the impact of illegal drugs on American life.

Also relevant is his 1995 single Rappaz R.N. Dainja in which he states "Some rappers like to come to the party, hopin' to leave with somebody, check, I come with skills and I leave with your motherfuckin' respect."



Simply put, MCs can't stay out of court.

The latest rapper to put down the mic and file a complaint is Andre Roxx, whose real name is Marques Andre Johnson. Andre Roxx (not to be confused with Greg Rocks) is a member of the Midwest Killa Beez. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but he asserts that this makes him an "affiliate" of the Wu-Tang Clan--apparently there's a West Coast Killa Beez and presumably other directional Killa Beez consortia.

This is relevant because there's a guy named Andre Johnson who goes by Christ Bearer (not to be confused with Paul Bearer), and he's a member of the West Coast Killa Beez. In a haze of drugs and depression, Christ Bearer decided to cut his penis off and commit suicide by jumping out a window. He was successful in all but one aspect of this endeavor: he survived the fall. A reattachment procedure failed, but he's past the depression and in a good place, positing "I'm alive, penis or no penis."

You can intuitively see why this story is newsworthy. Somewhere along the way though, the injured party's identity got garbled. "Wu-Tang affiliate and Killa Beez member Andre Johnson" was confused with "Wu-Tang affiliate and Killa Beez member Marques Andre Johnson" and the penile puncture was attributed to the wrong rapper. Various media outlets reported that Andre Roxx sliced his schlong when it was really Christ Bearer who diced his dong.

You can see how this might happen--I've addressed this exact situation before (in the comments). These types of details are important, at least to Andre Roxx. As an initial matter, Andre Roxx was in a Pennsylvania jail when Christ Bearer mutilated his manhood and jumped out the window at a party. While this provides factual cover for Roxx, his fellow inmates didn't appreciate this nuance and took it as an invitation to start "threatening, harassing and attacking him." He wound up in protective custody and isolation.

Once released he "made thousands of telephone calls, to every disc jockey and promoter he knew, as well as cold calls to clubs and promoters, but was unable to generate any interest." The take-home here is that if you're going to present yourself as a tough-as-nails MC from the streets of Shaolin, you have to have fully intact genitals. Indeed, Bar Stool Sports opined "How can you be a rapper without a dick? What's even the point? Would be like being a blogger with no hands."

Despite the fact that most if not all of the media outlets covering this story corrected the self-immolator's identity within a day or two, the Wu-Tang Clan went so far as to renounce Andre Roxx on their website, stating "This M*********** Ain't Got S*** to do with The WUTANG Brand" next to a photo of Andre Roxx (and not Christ Bearer). He thus lost his Killa Beez status, and with it the opportunity to make $2000-$4500 per performance, with bookings occurring 4-6 times a week.

Predictably, social media commentators piled on. Upon the online release of his next single, people commented stuff like "This shit so hard make me wanna hack my dick off and jump off something tall" and "Look, it's the dickless wonder" and "bye bye Johnson" (a play on his last name).

Perhaps the most painful impact is on his social life, "as many people who might otherwise be social or romantic connections do not want to be seen in public with him." Everyone swipes left on Andre Roxx because they think he's cockless.

So he did the only thing he could do. He hired a bankruptcy lawyer and filed a complaint in Federal court in Delaware. Well, I suppose he could've hired a commercial litigator or, heaven forfend, an IP litigator to handle the potential soft IP causes of action. Instead he has two counts of libel and a false light invasion of privacy claim. Negligent infliction of emotional distress might've been a nice count to include and maybe something like a Lanham Act violation for improperly tarnishing Andre Roxx's brand, but who knows what the laws of Delaware look like. It's not like they're available online or anything.

Andre Roxx requested a jury and as usual I think being impaneled in this case would be a hoot. And the closing argument will be a snap. After Andre Roxx takes the stand and drops his pants to establish his unmarred member to the jury, his lawyer can simply state "His junk's in place so he wins the case." Or "His dork ain't cut so it's open and shut." Or "His pecker is viable so defendants are liable." The closing really writes itself.

I'll let you know how this all shakes out.

17 comments:

mayhugh said...

This is tremendous, z.

Anyone interested in the Ward/Barrerra fight on HBO tonight, I expect Ward to get past Barrerra fairly easily even though I don't think he has any business fighting at light heavyweight. Ward is not known for his punching power and I can't see him fighting bigger guys to be the answer. Barrerra is not a true LHW himself, so I think Ward is okay for now. But if he wins tonight his next fight is Kovalev, who can probably walk right through Andre's assault like he was having Skittles thrown at him. You're going to get KO'd if you can't keep a KO artist off you.

zman said...

Don't forget to celebrate Air Max Day.

T.J. said...

Uhhhh, Syracuse is in the Elite Eight? This Syracuse team? Wtf

rob said...

what a crap sports day we had yesterday. gonzaga's dead to me - what a lousy mix of sphincter-tightening and abysmal coaching. i can't believe i have to root for uva. and carolina's going to win the damn tournament, aren't they? oh, not to mention jurgen klinsmann's side's sloppy, undisciplined, uninspired loss to a mediocre guatemala. fuck me.

TR said...

UConn and Miss State in a nail-biter in the ladies' tourney.

Mark said...

I usually couldn't care less whether Gonzaga won or lost but the HBO show that followed Gonzaga throughout March sucked me in. That and my love of all things Sabonis had me rooting for Gonzaga to finally make the Final Four. That collapse was painful to witness.

T.J. said...

Was just given a turntable as an early bday gift. Clarence, Squeaks - closest place for me to get vinyl?

Shlara said...

I learn so much in these legal analysis posts.

And, if you haven't read it yet, I encourage you to check out this transcript of the meeting Trump had with the Washington Post editorial board. It is both the funniest and scariest interview transcript I've ever read.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2016/03/21/a-transcript-of-donald-trumps-meeting-with-the-washington-post-editorial-board/

mr kq said...

Som records on 14th St is cool. Crooked Beat in Adams Morgan has a great selection too.

Buddy Hield gonna get paid.

rob said...

buddy hield going all bizarro 1988 danny manning. almost makes me want to root for kansas so we can see round three.

zman said...

Action Bronson got a book deal and on Vice I just saw him do an in vitro clam bake at a bong factory using a device they made out of bong glass. Things keep getting better for that fatman.

Mark said...

That episode is terrific. Everybody in the bing factory is so baked out of their mind by the end they can barely open their eyes. So it's good that they all have free access to what amounts to low grade flamethrowers.

Mark said...

Devonte Graham is the only guy on Kansas who this game doesn't look too big for. Crazy that he was signed to App State before he blew up as a HS senior.

Wayne Selden and Perry Ellis need to get their heads out of their asses if Kansas is going to win.

Mark said...

Buddy Hield is great. Best college senior I can remember in a very long time. Hopefully he goes to an NBA team with a coach good enough offensively to full exploit his shooting and off ball movement. You could build a good chunk of your offense around that.

TR said...

I watched a couple F That's Delicious episodes from On Demand. Very funny, but his posse is whack. Mayhem Lauren and the fat Armenian dude are unimpressive.

zman said...

Big Body Bes does not add value but Mayhem Lauren is funny at times. But it's all about that Action boss.

Shlara said...

I love that Raftery loves Villanova.
And I love that he calls Jay Wright "Clooney"