The NFL playoffs start today! My beloved Bills kick off at 1:05 pm against the Colts. Both zkids will be out of the house until 2:45 so I will be able to enjoy most of the game without being heckled for food or Robux.
I'm a little nervous. Josh Allen played amazing football this year, but the last time he played in a playoff game he took at least 18 months off my life with this play:
And I'm not being hyperbolic. Apparently I made all sorts of loud crazy/angry noises, prompting zwoman to run into the room. She found me on my knees, pulling my hair, with my face tomato red like our friend ED209. I blacked out for a few seconds of that tantrum. My cardiologist wasn't happy.
Hopefully Allen won't do stupid stuff like that today.
The other angst-inducing aspect of this game is the Frank Reich factor. When I raised this issue to a few friends from high school, my boy Lumpy Kris, aka Willie Lump Lump, posited "Frank Reich should walk onto the field with his cock out!!! I'm Frank Reich, I own this place!"
The Colts are kinda vanilla, they don't do anything particularly well on offense but they average 28.2 points per game, good for ninth best in the league. Their defense allows the tenth fewest points per game, so they're well balanced. This might not be an easy game. Hopefully Reich keeps his cock in his pants.
KRS-ONE's lyrics are timeless. "Sound of the Police," "Bo! Bo! Bo!," and "Who Protects Us From You?" are all 20+ years old but these anthems against police brutality are relevant today. "P Is Free," "Love's Gonna Get'cha," "Drug Dealer," and "Illegal Business" are also 20+ years old but still reflect the impact of illegal drugs on American life.
Also relevant is his 1995 single Rappaz R.N. Dainja in which he states "Some rappers like to come to the party, hopin' to leave with somebody, check, I come with skills and I leave with your motherfuckin' respect."
Simply put, MCs can't stay out of court.
The latest rapper to put down the mic and file a complaint is Andre Roxx, whose real name is Marques Andre Johnson. Andre Roxx (not to be confused with Greg Rocks) is a member of the Midwest Killa Beez. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but he asserts that this makes him an "affiliate" of the Wu-Tang Clan--apparently there's a West Coast Killa Beez and presumably other directional Killa Beez consortia.
This is relevant because there's a guy named Andre Johnson who goes by Christ Bearer (not to be confused with Paul Bearer), and he's a member of the West Coast Killa Beez. In a haze of drugs and depression, Christ Bearer decided to cut his penis off and commit suicide by jumping out a window. He was successful in all but one aspect of this endeavor: he survived the fall. A reattachment procedure failed, but he's past the depression and in a good place, positing "I'm alive, penis or no penis."
You can intuitively see why this story is newsworthy. Somewhere along the way though, the injured party's identity got garbled. "Wu-Tang affiliate and Killa Beez member Andre Johnson" was confused with "Wu-Tang affiliate and Killa Beez member Marques Andre Johnson" and the penile puncture was attributed to the wrong rapper. Various media outlets reported that Andre Roxx sliced his schlong when it was really Christ Bearer who diced his dong.
You can see how this might happen--I've addressed this exact situation before (in the comments). These types of details are important, at least to Andre Roxx. As an initial matter, Andre Roxx was in a Pennsylvania jail when Christ Bearer mutilated his manhood and jumped out the window at a party. While this provides factual cover for Roxx, his fellow inmates didn't appreciate this nuance and took it as an invitation to start "threatening, harassing and attacking him." He wound up in protective custody and isolation.
Once released he "made thousands of telephone calls, to every disc jockey and promoter he knew, as well as cold calls to clubs and promoters, but was unable to generate any interest." The take-home here is that if you're going to present yourself as a tough-as-nails MC from the streets of Shaolin, you have to have fully intact genitals. Indeed, Bar Stool Sports opined "How can you be a rapper without a dick? What's even the point? Would be like being a blogger with no hands."
Despite the fact that most if not all of the media outlets covering this story corrected the self-immolator's identity within a day or two, the Wu-Tang Clan went so far as to renounce Andre Roxx on their website, stating "This M*********** Ain't Got S*** to do with The WUTANG Brand" next to a photo of Andre Roxx (and not Christ Bearer). He thus lost his Killa Beez status, and with it the opportunity to make $2000-$4500 per performance, with bookings occurring 4-6 times a week.
Predictably, social media commentators piled on. Upon the online release of his next single, people commented stuff like "This shit so hard make me wanna hack my dick off and jump off something tall" and "Look, it's the dickless wonder" and "bye bye Johnson" (a play on his last name).
Perhaps the most painful impact is on his social life, "as many people who might otherwise be social or romantic connections do not want to be seen in public with him." Everyone swipes left on Andre Roxx because they think he's cockless.
So he did the only thing he could do. He hired a bankruptcy lawyer and filed a complaint in Federal court in Delaware. Well, I suppose he could've hired a commercial litigator or, heaven forfend, an IP litigator to handle the potential soft IP causes of action. Instead he has two counts of libel and a false light invasion of privacy claim. Negligent infliction of emotional distress might've been a nice count to include and maybe something like a Lanham Act violation for improperly tarnishing Andre Roxx's brand, but who knows what the laws of Delaware look like. It's not like they're available online or anything.
Andre Roxx requested a jury and as usual I think being impaneled in this case would be a hoot. And the closing argument will be a snap. After Andre Roxx takes the stand and drops his pants to establish his unmarred member to the jury, his lawyer can simply state "His junk's in place so he wins the case." Or "His dork ain't cut so it's open and shut." Or "His pecker is viable so defendants are liable." The closing really writes itself.
Day two of Gheorghemas did not go all that well for the Tribe faithful. While Big Gheorghe delivered "a pair of revenue sport blood feuds" on Saturday, the Tribe left the field of battle as the bloody one suffering a respectable loss to a top 10 UVA hoops team and a flat out butt whooping' at the hands of the Richmond Spiders footballers. Mrs. Marls & I were at the the Richmond game and only the opportunity to hang out with Matty O and everyone's favorite Richmond lawyer/lacrosse coach made up for the poor performance on the field.
I think Gheorghe felt bad that that his day two gifts were such busts so he decided to go with something more tried and true. In that spirit, the big man broke from tradition and gave us exactly what that other 12 days thing calls for....three french hens.
The above picture came from a google image search for "three french hens". Do yourself a favor and do NOT do a search for "three french cocks" unless you want to see something worse than TR's nasal polyps.
Initially, while I appreciated the thought, I sort of thought that Gheorghe had laid another gifting egg with these Gaulish oven stuffers. I realize France has had a tough time of late and deserves a little love from the big man, but what were we going to do with continental lady foul? Then I remembered that each of the the Twelve Days of Christmas supposedly had had some secret meaning for Renaissance catholics living in England. While Snopes has debunked the myth, I thought Gheorghe might be trying to get at something, so I looked up the story. Sure enough, the three french hens supposedly represented Faith, Hope & Love. Given all that has been going on in this screwed up, broken world of ours I can't help but think that little baby Ghita offered the perfect gifts at a time when we needed it most.
On a side note, Wikipedia reports that french hens are heavy birds with a good sized muff, which should make Clarence happy. The Wikis also report that British cocks are between 9-11 pounds. I'll assume that the ladies for G:TB will be planning their next road trip to London.
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