Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Throwback...Tuesday - "Boston Sports Guy" Edition

I have been debating retiring an 18 y/o email address of mine. I rarely use it, and most spam gets through because Yahoo! is poop. I decided to take a trip down memory lane and peruse some old mail folders I set up for this address. I found myself in a "Jokes" folder I created at some point, which has a total of 19 emails in there, deposited between 2000-2011. I guess I have high standards, except when making friends.

The oldest email in this folder caught my eye, as it reminded me of a different age. It was an email chain, and I was in the fourth wave of recipients. It was the old Boston Sports Guy's review of the AVN awards show from July 2000. Before he came to ESPN, I would only see his writing when folks would forward things like this to me. Thankfully, FOG:TB Sammy the Bull forwarded it on and I kept it.

There are some funny, dated references in the article (E! True Hollywood Story, Spice Channel, Janine). And I think the Sports Guy was only about 30 when he wrote this.

In honor of Mr. Simmons (and in honor of pornography), I am reposting his article below. Enjoy.


A recap of the 2000 AVN Awards

Note to reader: This is our first installment of the new BSG feature  "Culture Pop." Basically I'll be writing every few weeks about things that  interest me from the pop culture scene -- The Real World, summer movies,  wrestling, concerts and so on -- and hopefully I won't get fired by my bosses for an occasional non-sports column. In my defense, I'm posting "Best Links" every day AND writing 3-4 sports columns a week, so I should have the luxury to write about weird things every once on a while.


Last week I was visiting a friend's house and he showed me a tape of this year's AVN Awards show from Las Vegas, which the Spice Channel airs every spring. Quite simply, it's the most captivating TV show of all-time -- a 25 out of 10 on the "Unintentional Comedy Scale." Bizarre movie titles. Glazed expressions. Drunken, disorderly conduct. Disarming sexual tension. People taking themselves far too seriously. It's like the MTV Movie Awards on acid. If the people running HBO were smart, they would buy the rights to this thing and air it next year and every year after.

Of course, within five minutes I was furiously scribbling down notes on napkins for a potential column. I tried to remember as many highlights and comedic moments as possible... here were some:

Chloe won Best Actress and thanked her Mom, who was actually in attendance. I'm not making this up. Chloe's eyes roll back in her head while she has sex and I'm convinced she's completely insane. She also laughs like a truck driver. NBC needs to give her a sitcom ASAP; I would definitely watch it.

Mr. Marcus and Shayla LaVoe presented an award together and you could have cut the sexual tension with a knife. I'll take a flying guess here and say they took care of the problem after the show. Mr. Marcus is a black guy who wears his baseball cap backwards and looks like he should be in Shaq's posse. I think he was my favorite presenter on the whole show. You couldn't even make up a porn name better than Mr. Marcus.

Anari Vachs won "Best Female Performer" and had that glazed, cross-eyed, "I appeared in one too many movies last year and took one too many money shots" expression going. She seems relatively intelligent though. She actually used a few four-syllable words in her acceptance speech -- no, none of them were Latin -- and thanked her husband, who's probably in therapy as we speak.

(Note: Between the announcement of each winner and the winner's speech, Spice would interject a "spicy" clip from the winning performance. Very strange to see Anari thank her husband after we've just seen her getting flipped around like a flapjack by two guys.)

Veronica Hart won Director of the Year or something... she used to be an X-rated star in the late-70's, the glory years of porn. Veronica still looked pretty hot but she's like my Mom's age now. It's good to see someone remain in the business for 20-plus years. I wonder if she still keeps in touch with Seka.

Speaking of old-timers, Nina Hartley was in attendance and apparently celebrated her 75th birthday last week. She played the slut who was married to Little Bill in "Boogie Nights." Every time they showed her I kept expecting William H. Macy to be sitting next to her with a red wig and a pissed-off look on his face.

I should mention here that every time the cameras showed a female star in the audience, they would invariably pull up their dress or pull down their top. It's like they had no idea what else to do and they couldn't just sit there and feign interest in the awards. Very strange phenomenon. This is also Reason #1,978 why HBO should televise this thing every year.

I should also mention that many of the categories are a little... different. Let's just say that when you win the award for "Best Oral," it's not because you submitted a really good speech. My favorite category was "Best All-Sex Video" -- no dialogue, no plot, just sex, sex and nothing but SEX! Sounds like my prom night. The Oscars need to add this category next year.

A movie called "The Booty Bandit" and a director named Seymour Butts both captured awards, but for different things. It's hard to believe Seymour Butts wasn't involved in the production of "The Booty Bandit."

(Seymour won "Best Gonzo Video" -- I'm not sure what that means, but I don't think it's something you'd want your daughters involved with.)

Jenna Jameson has had so much plastic surgery that she was almost unrecognizable. They should just start making the "E! True Hollywood Story" about her right now so E! can have it cued and ready to go after someone finds her body in a few weeks.

The ubiquitous Ron Jeremy presented an award. He was referred to affectionately by someone as "The Hedgehog," probably because he weighs about three bills. And speaking of over-the-hill presenters, Marilyn Chambers presented an award and looked bloated and nasty. I can't believe she's still in the business. She looked like that fat single aunt in your family who your Mom always tries to set up with divorced guys.

It was good to see Jonathan Morgan finally get his due as a director. I have no idea why, but the crowd seemed pretty juiced. I think it was like Gibson making the crossover for "Braveheart." He seems like a fun guy.

The least popular star was someone named Alicia Klass, who won Best Starlet last year and almost got booed off the stage during the presentation of Best Starlet this year (she was rambling a bit; the drugs probably weren't helping). You know you're unpopular when porno stars are booing you.

Screw Magazine's Al Goldstein came out later and said, and I quote, "Seeing Alicia Klass on stage is OJ's best defense yet"

(That's another thing you have to love about the AVN Awards - tasteless jokes!)

80's porn queen Ginger Lynn presented an award; she apparently made a comeback and her face looks like someone punched it. She's also about 15 pounds overweight. I felt bad for her. She had that weird Ellen Barkin "contorted face" thing going. It must be great for your self-esteem to make a comeback in the porno industry.

Howard Stern won a "Lifetime Achievement" award and sent a mentally challenged midget named Beetlejuice to accept it on his behalf. I'm not making this up. Surprisingly, Beetlejuice was more coherent than Alicia Klass.

Lexington Steel won for best male performer. He thanked fellow actor Mr. Marcus for taking him under his wing and showing him the ropes. I think he meant that figuratively and literally. He also said that without Mr. Marcus' help, he would have been back in New York working on Wall Street. Apparently this would have been a bad thing.

(Note: They showed a clip of Lex having sex with Chloe and she looked like she was being tortured: "Ahhhhhhh! Arrrrrrrghhhhhh! Aggggggggggggh! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggg!" Lexington Steele is definitely not someone you'd want as The Person Who Dated Your Girlfriend Right Before You.)

The funniest movie titles that I can remember were "Sodomania 28," "Tampa Tushy Fest" and "My Baby Got Back." I can't believe there have been 28 episodes of Sodomania. That's almost impossible. I feel sick.

Julie Ann won an award for best girl-girl scene with Janine... she accepted the award but seemed bummed out that Janine wasn't there as well.
hope they can work it out. This is the second time they've won the award. Number three would be like Bird winning three straight MVP's in the mid-80's.

Some guy named James Bonn won for best actor and sounded like DeNiro in the Bravo Actors Studio during his acceptance speech. I think this guy REALLY thinks he's a good actor. Startling.

(This was the highlight of the show for me -- I love when people take themselves too seriously and I especially love when porno actors take themselves too seriously. Bonn was sincerely excited and made Dirk Diggler's speech at the 2nd AVN awards seem restrained by comparison. I kept waiting for him to discuss karate. At one point he praised director Chris Cramsky by saying, "If you can't act for Chris Cramsky, you can't act." I'm giggling just typing it.)

Julie Ashton hosted the show... she seems really nice. Seriously. I think I would hang out with her platonically. You know, get coffee and stuff.

The show ended with all the females in the audience being invited on stage to dance. Needless to say, there was some grinding and disrobing. This is reason #456,345 why HBO should telecast this thing next year -- grinding and disrobing with the final credits!

Next year I'm keeping a running diary. Or I'm going. One or the other.


rob said...

man, simmons was a crap writer back then. and i loved him.

i have more than 83,000 unread emails in my yahoo account, which turns 20 years old in august. maybe it's time to ditch that thing.

zman said...

Can't wait for the C&D letter asserting copyright infringement.

rob said...

i've got a lot of faith in our legal counsel, z

zman said...

The Skins are going to pay Kirk Cousins $19,953,000 next year. That's less than only Newton and Brees in terms of cash spent. That's $424,532 for each of his career 47 TDs. I'm so dumbstruck I'm giggling.

rob said...

for the second time in my life, i voted in the virginia republican presidential primary. last time, i voted for john mccain, who lost to george bush, who might've been the worst president in our nation's history. this time, i voted against donald trump. forgive me, gheorghies. i might've just broken america irreparably.

Dave said...

bad move, rob. you don't want to admit that you voted against trump in a public forum, or you're going to end up on the wrong side of his wall.

Dave said...

i, for one, welcome our new insect overlords!

TR said...

There are parallels that can easily be drawn b/w Trump's populist ascension and Hitler's beer hall Ascension to power. The most terrifying parallel is seeing increasingly "establishment" folks get behind Trump for their own devious reasons. My fat fuck of a governor comes to mind. I've read two biographies of Hitler, as that backstory is fascinating and terrifying.

Writing a full-fledged article on this topic might break the Internet and get me put on the wrong side of the wall next to Rob.

TR said...


rob said...

fuck. dave is right. fuck.

Dave said...

on a lighter note, face-swapping apps are all the rage right now at our school, and if you swap my face with my friend stacey's hair and head it makes brad pitt. seriously. i'm putting it up on SoD in a day or two.

zman said...

When the recipe says "flip halfway through baking" you should definitely flip halfway through baking no matter how much you've been drinking.

I think daves Brad Pitt comment is a humblebrag?

I have an idea for a trump/Christie post but no one will read it.

Clarence said...

Zman, franchising Cousins was the only option. $20MM for one year is shockingly prudent compared to their deals of the last two decades. The opportunity to see him for 16 more will, we hope, be the chance to determine whether he's fit for long term inking.

zman said...

I get it Clarice, it's just nuts that a guy with 47 career TDs will make more in one year than league MVP Boomer Esiason or SB champion Phil Simms made in their careers.

rob said...

i always imagined i'd get more enjoyment out of watching the modern republican party self-immolate.

rob said...

but i am drinking a ballast point big eye bomber. i think i like this even more than sculpin.

Mark said...

Not sure why you'd choose to bail the Republican Party out, Rob. I loathe Trump but if enough people take your route then that could help lead to Rubio winning the nomination over Trump and possibly winning the general election.

I could certainly be wrong but I can't see Trump winning enough Dem and Independent votes to take the election.

rob said...

it was symbolic, mark. i hear you, but even if rubio had won here, he wasn't going to win anywhere else. trump's the gop nominee. which is staggering.

rob said...

and while i think trump represents the gop reaping what it's sown, his rise is unquestionably awful for america.

Mark said...

I'm with you on the seeming inevitability of a Trump nom. It is still staggering to see the reality of it though. Less so when you consider the way the GOP has evolved over the past 8 years. The parties leaders have only themselves to blame.

Anybody checked on Geoff? Is he busy planning the formation of a new political party or just drinking heavily?

Mark said...

And yes, it's terrible for America, Rob. We've given too large a segment of this country too much credit for too long.

rob said...

as it turns out, kasich will likely cost rubio the win in virginia. which makes me a fucking genius.

zman said...

51,859 Virginians voted for Ben Carson. That's staggering too. And I'm loving this self-immolation.

zman said...

Has any GOP candidate won a primary with more than a mere plurality yet?

rob said...

oklahoma blew a 26-point lead at home against baylor. desperately trying to hang on.

TR said...

If you look closely at Christie standing pensively behind Trump, you can see his soul actually dying.

TR said...

Mr. and Mrs. Cruz like them some botox.

zman said...

Cruz's jawline is amazingly vague.

TR said...

I have decided Tom Crean is an a-hole b/c of the way he chews his gum. There are other reasons to think he's an a-hole, but his gum-chewing etiquette is sufficient.