Wednesday, June 09, 2010

We Have A Winner!


After carefully evaluating the one entry received for the First Annual G:TB Circus Peanuts Diorama Contest, we at G:TB are pleased to announce that we have a winner!  It is the sample entry, constructed by Mr. Truck, with toy soldiers, the requisite circus peanuts, and Sriracha hot sauce (which is much gorier than ketchup). Congratulations, Mr. Truck:  may you never have to eat a circus peanut again.

To be honest, I thought the circus peanut diorama contest was destined for the annals of "G:TB columns that  promise recurrence but then never recur."  For example, remember this one? But yesterday my colleague Stacey tossed a bag of circus peanuts on the communal food table in the office.  She was hoping someone might make a diorama out of them, but then something better happened: we got to watch a circus peanut virgin eat his first peanut. Within moments, he became angry, and despite my fun facts from the original post . . . America's oldest candy! . . . four million ponds sold annually! . . . very difficult to get the right consistency! . . . he was appalled that people actually ate them on a regular basis.  He described their flavor as "dusty Peptol Bismol" and complained of a strange "coating in his mouth."  Not bad, although I think my description was more poetic: "their texture, when fresh, is that of congealed shaving foam, and once stale, a hard plastic shell forms around their dissolving guts . . . they taste like rotten bananas sprayed with Clorox."  That's beautiful writing.

A few other circus peanut veterans went ahead and revisited the flavor of the circus peanut-- which was also entertaining-- and someone made the inevitable Freudian slip and called them "circus penis."

This got me thinking.  Obviously "icing" is the Epitome of Douche. But tossing a bag of circus peanuts on the table is not nearly as retarded, and you get some of the same entertainment value.  And, it is SFW.  So I am going to start carrying around a bag, and attempt to "peanut" people (which sounds a lot dirtier than "icing" someone).  I think the rules are similar to "icing" in that if they have some other kind of ridiculous candy on their person, they can force me to eat my own circus peanut and I will also have to sample their candy (those stupid dots of colored sugar on the roll of white paper would be an excellent parry to a circus peanut-- I deny that anyone can eat those without ingesting large amounts of the paper, which does not taste good at all.  Or those wax bottles of weird tasting sugar water . . . neither the wax nor the colored sugar water tastes very good.  Also an excellent defense against the peanut.)

I'm so excited by this new fad which I am sure will soon take the nation by storm, that I am re-opening the Circus Peanut Diorama Contest!  If you need to familiarize yourself with the rules, you can read them here. And if you have never eaten a circus peanut, you need to try one pronto.

69 comments:

zman said...

I will carry Mary Janes to block your peanutting plans.

Mark said...

I always come strapped with Jolly Ranchers. You won't be "peanuting" me...

Igor said...

I will have a small bag of "orange slices" on my person at all times. Deeeelicious.

T.J. said...

You are insane.

I will now be "gummyworming" people.

Igor said...

I don't think any of you guys' candy is nearly ridiculous enough to counter circus peanuts. Gummi worms is very ordinary.

Orange slices come close. This things are bizarre.

T.J. said...

Can I change to Fun Dip? I drop a bag, you have to snort it?

Yes, I like this plan.

Greg said...

I will counter with some Joy-Joy bars. Neu Mit Iodine!!!

zman said...

Mary Jane(s). Get it? Not funny?

rob said...

i've got a stale bit-o-honey in my car - the circus peanut's sworn enemy.

d-train said...

pop-rocks...backatcha bitch

T.J. said...

Has anyone ever eaten a Fifth Avenue bar? Do they still exist?

Greg said...

For totally awesome refreshment, grab a Clark bar.

Dave said...

fifth avenue bar is delicious, but the mary jane is a worthy defense-- i think if i ate one these days it would rip the cap off my bum tooth.

d-train said...

used to love me some 5th ave bars. have not seen, but have not looked for. will do so today.

T.J. said...

http://fuckyeahstephenstrasburg.tumblr.com/

Mark said...

Sugar Daddy AND a Chico Stick.

d-train said...

chunky's...loads of commercials for chunky back in the day. good times.

zman said...

The Chico Stick has tons of street cred. See, e.g., Nice n Smooth.

Geoff said...

The Chico Stick sounds like something you don't want to see the business end of whilst in prison.

zman said...

"Whilst serving time for engaging in public autoerotic stimulation, Eugene woke up one morning to find a Chico Stick lodged twixt his butt cheeks. Though he firmly felt that the elimination of prejudice means a better understanding twixt men, he similarly, and equally firmly, felt this was a bridge too far."

zman said...

Geoff is my muse.

d-train said...

right....and TWIX....

Igor said...

You should see what they do with a Zagnut in the joint. That shit's fucked up, ese.

Dave said...

anyone know a good sport's bar in downtown philly?

going to be there this weekend with wife but want to watch US/england world cup game.

d-train said...

don't be throwing up on anyone

Igor said...

Your nagging health care watchdog is back!

Found out yesterday that a guy I used to work with had a heart attack and died over the weekend. He was in his mid-30's. (Teej, did you hear about Sam?)

That's the fifth person in as many years that I have known who has died of a heart attack at a young age. People, get your tickers checked. The calcium test doesn't work -- you need a cardiogram / stress test.

And a few of you need to take extra care... Study: Short people have higher heart risk

Igor said...

DAVE!

McGillin's Olde Ale House. Established 1860. 1310 Drury Street. In an alley near Center City. Love that place. Have gotten very intoxicated there nearly every time I have been to Philly in the last 10 years.

T.J. said...

Unfortunately, yes, I just heard about it yesterday as well. Not good times.

Igor said...

So, to review, go get hammered in Philly, then go get your heart checked out. Or vice versa. Particularly if you're hitting Pat's Steaks.

Igor said...

Teej, it does suck. I can name, and probably have named, 30-40 people in that office that we would rather see kick the bucket than Sam. I will list them here later.

d-train said...

thanks for caring whigor. i heart you.
if by chance any of you are going to be in the greater incester, va area this wkd, yours truly will be performing live at a venue to be determined saturday evening, and quite possibly with another friend of g:tb, chris m....aka "buck"

rob said...

danimal - i had an enjoyable time at fox & hound watching a flyers game a few weeks ago.

igor, but large people are far more susceptible to being punched in the shin. better watch your legs.

KQ said...

So Im hanging out in the hospital waiting for my dad to finish up some tests and I felt the need to share that not only is gtb providing some much needed entertainment , it is also providing a welcome diversion from the hospital roommate who is quite comfortable sauntering around in his hospital gown. With the back open.

rob said...

dan, dave, mr. truck...you're pretty much all the same to me.

rob said...

kq - good thoughts to dadq from team gtb. and igor would like a picture of the roommate.

Dave said...

thanks igor.

my first cousin died a few weeks ago of a heart attack. 40 years old, but he had chemo for hodgkins on his chest in his twenties-- but still, it can happen.

that doesn't mean i'm letting anyone stick anything in my rectum. at least until i'm fifty.

d-train said...

rob - you had me thoroughly confused, more so than usual. was googling "fox and hound winchester va"....there actually is one but it's across the pond...
death talk....not good times.
kq - i'm feeling a bit randy - can you describe the view in greater detail?

d-train said...

blogging is wicked fun.

Marls said...

Rectum. . . damm near killed em.

KQ said...

Lets just say that bob would do well with some lunges and a spray tan.

Greg said...

Oscar's on Sansom between 15 & 16.....Drinker's Pub on chestnut and 19. McGillin's is solid but it's hard to find: it's in an alley off of another alley.

Geoff said...

Every one could use a good spray tan...especially TJ.

Greg said...

Oscar's is the diviest dive bar ever, but they've got $3 domestic drafts (22 oz) all the time. If Tonya is working, pass along my regards.

KQ said...

Oh this just keeps getting better. Bob asked the nurse to pull back the curtain so now he can chat with me. I am at a loss as to How to handle this situation.

Geoff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Geoff said...

I would run out for some $3 domestic drafts or possibly a rectum exam if I were you KQ.

KQ said...

Thanks Dr Geoff, I think I just might raid the pharmacy . The guy in the room next door is now alternating between singing something loud and unitelligible, and insulting the janitorial staff. All kinds of entertainment here on the fourth floor.

Geoff said...

H to the Izzo...heading to the Mistake by the M'Lake.

Report: Tom Izzo Will Accept Cavaliers Head Coaching Position http://bit.ly/cQ6v4I

T.J. said...

That's asinine.

T.J. said...

KQ, Greg is in the room next to you?

KQ said...

If Greg is berating the doctor in two languages, then yes.

Geoff said...

Greg is a firm believer that all medical discussions should be held in German.

Igor said...

If one of them is Pig Latin, that's our Greg.

Marls said...

Easeplay on'tday utpay atthay inyshay ingthay inway ymay uttbay.

Igor said...

The more that comes to light in the creepy Joran van der Sloot case, the more it sounds like the Aruban government is run by people just like Sidney Ponson. This is not the fun place #1 douche Mike Love sang about in that putird song "Kokomo."

zman said...

I hate my job. Carry on.

Marls said...

I went to Aruba when I was in law school and went to see a cock fight. Not the kind Geoff is into, but the kind will real live chickens. Most disturbing thing I have ever seen live.

T.J. said...

Shlara...gift:
http://bit.ly/at2Z3f

Geoff said...

Yeah, my kind of cock fight involves glow in the dark condoms, Star Wars sound effects, and most times, tears.

zman said...

If someone put a gun to my head and threatend to shoot me unless I was able to correctly guess which one of my friends has been to a cock fight I would say "Marls."

KQ said...

Fourth floor update: bob is about to be discharged and is walking around in his button down and hasn't bothered with pants yet. And looney tunes next door is screaming "I'm the fucking president" and, regarding his doctor "he's a liar. He's an Italian liar. He should be a drug dealer. Italians should be drug dealers not doctors."

zman said...

Tell him so say that in a hospital in New Jersey and see what happens. He'll at least find a Vibram Five Fingers lodged in his backside.

Michael said...

zman, I would have guessed TR

Igor said...

TR's the guy to guess "which one of your friends wears a cock ring."

Igor said...

Is the circle where the cock fight takes place called the cock ring? KQ, ask the guy next door. The president knows such things.

Marls said...

Igor,
It is called a Cockpit.

Igor said...

Question: so what do you call the thing in the airplane?


Answer: a dickbag

. . . that is, if you're referring to the guy who inevitably sits next to me, takes the armrest, and tells me his life story.


IGOR!!!!

zman said...

Does TR have a Prince Albert or a cock ring? Not quite the same.

Dave said...

thanks for the bar recs.

i saw a cock fight in ecuador-- i don't know why i wanted to, but it was disgusting. one of the trainers licked the blood off his rooster between rounds.