Wednesday, June 23, 2010

This is How We Do It (USA Soccer Preview, Montell Jordan Edition)

In honor of Rob's favorite mid-90's R&B crooner/Doug Christie relative, we are making a small change to our Team USA Soccer picture of the day. We are taking Shlara's future ex-husband off the screen and replacing him below with Jonathan Bornstein. You all may feel that we are ruining some sort of streak, but the streak is a streak of ties. And that is not what we want on this fine Wednesday morning, gentlemen (and gentle ladies). We want a win. We want to see our team play with the lead for a minute in this tournament. We want to see them shake off the emotional tie on Friday, finish with authority, defend the counter-attack and show a killer instinct against an Algerian squad that played over its head in its last match against a befuddled England squad. We want Altidore to put a scare into the rest of the field, Howard to continue coming up big and Dempsey to show he's a world class midfielder.


I know that the USA can advance with a tie, but ties are horseshit. Rolling into the knockout stage with an 0-0-3 record against a weak group will be extremely disappointing. As Iron Maiden front-man Bruce Dickinson says "If you're gonna die, die with your boots on." Bruce may be British, but he's also a huge soccer fan. So let's turn it up to 11, Team USA, and show him how mighty our stones are.

62 comments:

Mr. Truck said...

this post has made me even more wound up than i already am for this game.

expect to see me convicted of hooliganism later in the day.

TR said...

Don't castrate yourself while hooliganing in the greater Brunswick area.

T.J. said...

I forgot how great this video was:
http://bit.ly/9nHxpo

rob said...

dear abby,

my boss scheduled a 10:00 meeting this morning. she's not much of a soccer fan (or an american, as it turns out). am i within my rights to ignore the meeting even though i'm the only attendee?

signed,

bumming

T.J. said...

Mark...
http://broncogator.com/

Geoff said...

My boss has scheduled a 10:30 meeting today so that we may discuss my progress on my department's annual goals--a "goaltending" meeting as he likes to call it. Please fucking kill me now...

Geoff said...

Time to return to great American art of muff diving...

Kal Penn officially stepped down from his job as assoc. dir. of the WH Office of Public Engagement 6/1, and the WH yesterday "cast his departure as a no-hard-feelings thing" ("The Reliable Source").

rob said...

from the not so great omens department: bornstein starts in place of gooch. do we have a picture of bornstein?

T.J. said...

http://bit.ly/bGtV96

TR said...

Your wish has been granted, tiny dictator.

No, not the one with the vaseline and the cucumber. The one about Bornstein.

zman said...

According to today's NYT, Jeb Bush "is a favorite of the anti-establishment crowd (he is said to have mentored Marco Rubio, the Senate challenger in Florida who gave the Tea Partiers a national lift) ...."

How can Jeb Bush possibly be considered anti-establishment? Or at least how can he be liked by the anti-establishment crowd? Unless they're stupid.

Marls said...

Zman - tea partiers are retarded. Not in the turn of phrase way, but actually retarded. I saw them first hand in DC back in April and outside of a NASCAR event, I would have a tough time finding an event with a larger proportion of slack jawed mouth breathers. This from a registered republican.

TR said...

So does Fox News hire McChrystal today, or do they wait until Monday for posterity's sake?

Either way, Rupert Murdoch will be giving him some cash and a Thank You note sometime soon.

Geoff said...

Agreed on the tea party, though the "movement" is so decentralized that it stands for completely different things in each locality.

Geoff said...

For instance, I was talking to a House candidate who went to speak to his local tea party group a week or so ago, and the first question he was asked was "So, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?" To which he said, "I thought this group was about spending, taxing, and deficits"...

It's really just operating as a clearninghouse for the far right, and in the end it has the potential to fuck up the GOP. Right now the GOP could be putting mainstream R's in key battleground House and Senate seats for years to come...but if they continue to elect tea party candidates in primaries, they are going to end up installing ultra conservatives who can only hold these seats in this particular political climate, which won't last.

T.J. said...

Corey Maggette for Charlie Bell and Dan Gadzuric.

Yawn.

Now, if the Magic really do offer up Jameer and Vinsanity for Chris Paul I will be interested...

Dave said...

i've got a pre-game soccer stomach-ache.

USA!

Dave said...

yikes!

rob said...

if the us team are as nervous as i am they won't be able to stand up much longer

rob said...

woodwork! fuck, boys.

zman said...

I hear Murdoch is composing a "Bite me" letter, actually.

zman said...

In related news, Bethel University offers scholarships to members of its bass fishing team.

Dave said...

here's the latest conspiracy theory: south africa doesn't want us to advance because then obama has promised to come watch and this would be a security nightmare.

something is going on.

T.J. said...

PUNCH IT IN MOTHERFUCKERS!

Marls said...

Can't blame the refs when we can't put it in an open net.

This is going to be a heartbreaking draw.

T.J. said...

We're gonna need this chart too:
http://bit.ly/dCMd6k

Marls said...

The cart is meaningless if we can't score since I doubt the English are going to cough up their advantage.

T.J. said...

Fuck.

Marls said...

Fuck fuck fuck.

Marls said...

Fucking buddle. Fuck.

Marls said...

Landycakes!!!!!!!

Shlara said...

OH MY GOD!
Love Donovan!!

T.J. said...

FUCK YEAH PRETTY BOY!

T.J. said...

Shlara, you deserve this:
http://bit.ly/clvRkP

Shlara said...

Thanks Teej--love him!!

T.J. said...

Dave, how soon before footage of your commencement address is on YouTube?

TR said...

I was in a pub near Grand Central and it got packed for the match. Bar had US on the big telly and England on a smaller one nearby. Place went absolutely bonkers on the US goal.

I haven't high-fived that many strangers since I participated in the Houston 500.

rob said...

the bornstein magic is strong, friends. now we root for germany to either win their group or fail to qualify for the knockout stage.

zman said...

I feel bad for the Slovenians, especially since they started playing Slovenian-school soccer. That Yugoslov-school soccer is for suckers.

TR said...

The magic is Montell and Maiden.

Let's ride.

T.J. said...

TR, way to *ahem* slide that gangbang reference in...

TR said...

took you long enough, The Teej...

Dave said...

vice-principal told me today that she will get a DVD of the commencement speech soon and then i will post it. got a lot of compliments today for my "natural" delivery-- little did they know how much my ass was sweating.

we snuck out of school and went to my friend's place for the game-- gayest scene ever when the US team scored, lots of high fiving white guys (and one white girl).

mayhugh said...

I was walking by our gym when US scored, which is the only place that has a TV (Alas, no glass walls so I only heard the goings on). There was one guy going absolutely berzerk inside so I figured the US had scored or he was really unusually happy about his clean and jerk performance.

T.J. said...

Just like TR at the Houston 500.

T.J. said...

Um, two dudes are tied 42-42 in the fifth set at Wimbledon.

42-42????

zman said...

One of those guys is John Isner, who is 6'9".

T.J. said...

THOSE TWO DUDES ARE STILL PLAYING TENNIS

Igor said...

Igor's going to be making an appearance on the Upper East Side tonight. Nothing like my usual NYC trips, I have a fairly crucial work meeting at 9am and it's a last minute Wednesday overnighter. But I'll be drinking in a bar and watching the Mets. Let me know if anyone wants to do the same.

zman said...

The loser of this match will have to quit tennis.

TR said...

Watching Isner now on ESPN3.com. He is absolutely gassed, but aced a serve to go up 59-58.

TR said...

match suspended due to darkness at 59-all. unbelievable.

TR said...

Germany and Australia winning is very good for Los Estados Unidos.

zman said...

Whoever wins Isner/Mahut will also have to play another match tomorrow if the tournament plans to stay on schedule. That sucks.

Marls said...

They are clearly playing to 69.

On my way to Calgary for work or I would stop by for a beer. Stem Og!

Marls said...

The oil and gas guys taking this flight to Calgary anr not big fans of "O-Bammer" but they do love themselves a little Glen Beck. I think I should go discuss Geoff earlier points with them.

rob said...

so england/germany and argentina/mexico should be fun. and the match between the winners.

T.J. said...

Someone let the geniuses at espn know that Corey Maggette should no longer be listed as a starter for the Warriors on the draft ticker.

Assclowns.

Shlara said...

Who else got the W&M alumni mag in the mail today with that REDIC griffin on the cover?

Stupid mascot...

T.J. said...

I tossed that traveshamockery in the trash two seconds after I got home.

T.J. said...

Jose Reyes has decided he wants to hit for the cycle tonite...

d-train said...

igor igor igor...i feel like a big dope. actually in newark...could have stayed in nyc but chose the more convenient/cheaper/less painful in the morning route...
fuck! wish i would have gotten on here earlier in the day...actually almost went to mets game tonight w/a co-worker.