Friday, June 04, 2010

Palmetto Freakshow

I don't know how many of G:TB's regular readers are following the South Carolina gubernatorial race, but if you like your politics tinged with sex, racism, and a significant portion of batshit crazy, I highly recommend it.

The state that brought us current Governor Mark Sanford's Appalachian Trail perambulations seems to be running a contest to test the outer boundaries of reality. Republican primary candidate Nikki Haley (and in South Carolina state politics, the winner of the Republican primary is almost certainly the next occupant of the Governor's mansion) rose to the top of the polls on a combination of personal charisma, compelling backstory (she was born Nimrata Randhawa to Sikh parents, not your garden-variety Palmetto State pol), and staunchly conservative policy positions. Sarah Palin's endorsement didn't hurt.

Two weeks ago, conservative blogger Will Folks alleged that he had engaged in an inappropriate physical relationship with the married Haley, claiming that he had text messages and emails to substantiate his story. To date, such substantiation has not been released publicly. Haley denied the story.

This week, Republican operative Larry Marchant came forward to claim that he, too, had tripped the light fantastic with Ms. Haley at a conference in 2008. It's the age-old story: boy meets girl, boy and girl get hammered on a work trip, boy sleeps with girl, boy (who worked for girl's opponent) tells the media. We've all been there.

In an effort to quiet the storm, Ms. Haley released a statement today indicating that she would resign her office post-election should definitive proof of either of the allegations surface. According to Talking Points Memo, current Lieutenant Governor (and Ms. Haley's electoral rival) Andre Bauer today called upon Haley to take a lie detector test to "prove" her innocence. TPM drily noted that, "This latest development may come in response to charges that too much class and dignity remained in the state's gubernatorial primary."

Bauer, himself the target of not-so-subtle questions regarding the nature of his sexual orientation, was upstaged today by one of his supporters, state Senator Jake Knotts. Let it never be said that Knotts gave less than his finest effort to uphold every coastal elitist's opinion of the Goodoldboyus Redneckius, calling Haley a "fucking raghead" in a radio interview, before going on to say, "We need a good Christian to be our governor," he said. "She's hiding her religion. She ought to be proud of it. I'm proud of my god." Knotts claimed that he was "joking" and was later heard muttering under his breath about dark folks' inability to take a little ribbing while walking into Tar Baby's for a late brunch. (That picture's just too easy.)

I, for one, am microwaving some popcorn and settling in for the rest of the show. I'm not sure how this can get better, but I'm willing to give it a chance.

27 comments:

zman said...

We're at war with India? I missed that.

rob said...

danny ferry resigns. somewhere, shlara sheds a tear.

Dave said...

fantastic summary, but why are you following south carolina's gubernatorial race?

the lieutenant governor said, "fucking raghead"? really?

and the comments about tar baby's are priceless.

rob said...

not the lt gov, but one of his supporters: http://bit.ly/baixMD

tar baby's is right down the road from my parents' house. we pass it when we go to the beach from their place.

and i have no idea why i'm following south carolina politics, other than i read talking points memo a lot and they're following this story.

Dave said...

this is the story i am following.

http://tiny.cc/s1ung

apparently the monroe flang-dang game has resurrected itself.

Dave said...

okay, i can't make a tiny url. so here's a fairly short link to the story.

http://www.slate.com/id/2255927/

rob said...

oh, good lord

zman said...

We started out so high-brow today too.

Igor said...

Asked to clarify, he said he did not mean the United States was at war with India, but was at war with "foreign countries."

This is part of why the Family Guy episode when they live in the South is more documentary than comedy.

To be fair, you can see from that picture why the esteemed Senator Knotts might have some trouble getting blood to his brain.

rob said...

tim donaghy's doing a diary on deadspin breaking down the officiating in each game of the nba finals. this is a brilliant idea, but i hope the execution is better for the rest of the games.

Shlara said...

Danny didn't want to work for the Dan Snyder of basketball.

Nor did he want to work for LBJ

d-train said...

she's attractive...i thought she was angie harmon at first.
dtrain's on daddy duty this wkd with the wiff away in ohio. i have a hankerin for a dip. mark - how far away are you? can you pick one up for me...boy's in bed.

Mark said...

I'm 3 hours away with a can of Kodiak. I'll be there soon.

d-train said...

okay mark...i live under the Hart bridge near the stadium...i'm the one with a kid...and a computer.

d-train said...

just watched Up In The Air...i guess the hype raised the expectations.

Igor said...

D-Train, you're right, Ms. Haley is hot -- and I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts she's got a mega-hairy beav. Run through the jungle!


IGOR!!!

清民 said...

我們老得太快,卻聰明得太遲。..................................................

d-train said...

beav. hairy. yes!
while my boy naps, i await while watching the 40-year old virgin for only the 2nd time. it's pretty good. i like it. it's funny. i also poured myself a bloody - is that wrong? heading next door for a bday party in about an hour. i post this here b/c no one will see it as opposed to facebook.

Igor said...

Dear Diary,
I've been blogging again. I pray my Facebook account doesn't find out. What a disaster that would be.

Gained two more pounds. It's probably the stress of having to update so many places with my ongoing daily activities. Now going to jerk off to Nikki Haley's pubic extravaganza and send a few tweets about it afterwards.

Until the next entry...

d-train said...

rickie fowler is good. but seriously folks, rickie fowler's hair...what's up with that?

怡潔向霖 said...

your son/daughter is so cute............................................................

T.J. said...

Eight year olds, Dude...

Eight year olds.

rob said...

oh, Iike i'm not copying this tweet:

L.A. cops capture porn actor suspected of killing colleague with prop sword, afternoon-long standoff over http://bit.ly/cOrY0z

rob said...

watching the 1973 ncaa final on espn classic. walton just got a basket waived off for dunking. bullshit call.

Mark said...

I had no idea I could be so intrigued by a Miguel Cotto-Yuri Foreman fight in a half empty Yankee Stadium. I am though. Thoroughly. Foreman's not good enough to best Cotto(even before his knee injury) but he's tough as fuck.

Mark said...

Foreman's trainer just threw in the towel. Literally. Haha, I love boxing.

Mark said...

And now the fight's back on. The ref let Foreman decide and he wants to go on. Awesome.