Monday, March 15, 2010

Greasetruck Tackles Time Travel

In August 2019, when North American Grand Vizier TJ asked me to write a post on time travel for G:TB, I said, "Sure! My slate is empty now that I've finished my piece on the NBA's legalization of cloning." In less than a decade, every team will have Magic, a Bird, a Jordan, a Shaq and a Chamberlain. You're probably wondering: does this make coaching more important than ever? Or is it just stupid to watch someone talk trash to themselves? And if you assist yourself, are you playing favorites? You'll have to wait until September 2019 to know the answers to those questions, but I've traveled back in time to give you a little taste of what the future will bring.

The first thing to remember about time travel is that you are doing it right now . . . just rather slowly. You are a time machine. The best way to illustrate your time traveling power is to fuck over your future self. An easy way to do this? Take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get a ridiculous tattoo. A tequila worm or Garfield giving the finger or the name of an obscure band or, if you are particularly daring, the name of your college girlfriend. Then step inside your skin and wait. Eventually, your future self will be pissed off by what you did in the past. But fortunately, your future self can't hop into a time machine and go back in time and punch you in the face. Other ways to fuck your future self: start smoking, spend all your money on exotic pets, or pierce your testicles. Or get a REALLY bad tattoo.

For an in depth look at time travel, read Chuck Klosterman's new book Eating the Dinosaur. He has an essay devoted to the topic.

The best time travel movie ever made is Primer. I won't even attempt to explain the plot, but this chart helps. Ha!

Here the six runner-ups to Primer: 12 Monkeys, Time Bandits, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Terminator 2, and Memento.

The best time travel scene is from the original Planet of the Apes.

And the best song about time travel is by Greasetruck. The competition is one of the most annoying songs ever: "The Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The song is called "Past Me," and it reverses the old adage, "if I only knew then what I know now." In this song, Past Dave comes to see what his future self is like and he is disgusted, but what can he do? This is how his life turns out. And it was based on Past Dave's choices. So how can he complain? Past Dave is lucky he's got a future self at all, and though he may be disgusted by what he's turned into, it's not really his decision any more. And he has to assume some responsibility for how things turned out. Imagine if your past selves had input into your life now? Those past selves are idiots! They got you into this mess in the first place!

Click above on the widget to hear the song. It's SFW (as long as you don't care if you appear to be retarded). The lyrics are below. I'm proud of the opening, I think it sonically captures what it's like to travel through time. I pretty much yelled the lyrics in one take and ran them through an amp simulation . . . I'm sick of trying to sing. Maybe someday Random Idiots will make another song. In the meantime, Greasetruck would like to thank all the fans for putting up with these recondite topics, and Greasetruck promises that the next song will something everyone can appreciate. Seriously. The next Greasetruck song is going to be about food. Everybody likes food, right? Almost as much as William and Mary basketball.

Past Me

If you knew then what I know now—so what?
But if I knew now, what you knew then . . . well.
If the Past Me, if he could see,
what I’ve become, the things I’ve done--

He’d build a time machine, in order to perceive
What had become of him, but he would not believe
He’d want to laugh at me, he’d want to torture me
He’d want to put me down, out of my misery.

You’d think I’d be surprised, but I’ve been expecting him.
Hell, the idea was mine . . . I ask Me, "How you been?"
So sad to disappoint, Past Me would want a joint.
But my kids would smell the smoke, and my wife can’t take a joke.
But look at my counter top! It’s made of solid rock!
I can come home and cook, got friends on the Facebook.
I’ve got a little phone . . . equity for a loan.

Past Me is not impressed. Past Me is past depressed
I am his future self. I built a nice book shelf
Past me he doesn’t care. Past me looks at my hair.
I see a tear drop fall, his future’s bleak and bald.

I talk about our kids, how they look, the things they did.
Past Me, he doesn’t care, he interested in knowing where
I keep the fishing gear, my new snowboard and all the beer.
I say, "I'm sorry Me, I don’t have what you need."

And then he stubs his toe on a loose Lego,
and so he starts to swear. I say, "Hey think of where
you are, there’s kids around." He looks at me and frowns,
gets in our time machine, heads back to where we’ve been

I yell before I go,"Please Buy Google’s IPO!"
But it’s too late he’s gone, back to where he thinks it’s fun.
And to get back at me, he knows just what to do.
He’ll get really stoned and go and get a bad tattoo.
And Future Dave, well I'll have to live with it,
rest of my days spent showing off a giant squid.


Marls said...

This is a great chart to help time travelers and fans of pop culture alike.

Marls said...

Sorry. . .

TJ said...

R.I.P. Captain Clarence Oveur.

TJ said...

Dave, you're telling me it takes me NINE more years to graduate from Apprentice to Grand Vizier?

Not happy to hear that.

Whitney said...

Memento is a cool movie, but it's not about time travel.

And Back to the Future and the Austin Powers movies (esp the 2nd one) should be right along side Bill & Ted's.

Timecop always sucks me in when it's on cable. I saw it in the theater, actually. Best part of the film is Sloan Peterson all growed up. (But not naked.)

Whitney said...

SWEDEN is home to the most bisexual babes in the world, a new study has revealed. Nordic naughtiness is all the rage with the blonde beauties over there.

But they don't top the league when it comes to lasting the longest in bed - held by Brazil - or come near San Francisco as the kinkiest place to visit.

New Zealand
Totalling an average of 20.4 sexual partners in a lifetime, New Zealand has the most promiscuous women in the world, a survey reveals.

With an average of 29.3 sexual partners, Austria's men are the most promiscuous in the world, a survey reveals.

Germany is the country with the world's worst lovers as revealed by survey taken by women from 20 different countries - the reason they gave was that they were 'too smelly'.

Spain is home to the world's best lovers as revealed by survey taken by women from 20 different countries.

At an average of 10 minutes, sex in Thailand is believed to last the shortest amount of time in the world.

A Durex survey revealed that Greece is the horniest country in the world.

According to The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behaviour, sex lasts the longest in Brazil, at an average of 30 minutes.

Australian breasts are blooming lovely, with over 40 per cent of Australian women now buying bras with a cup size of DD or higher - some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K to accommodate the busty Aussie girls.

Seven times a year on a holiday called 'Pon', Indonesians make a pilgrimage to a sacred mountain on Java to get down and dirty with a person other than their spouse - if they sleep with that same person seven times, they believe their wishes and blessings will come true.

When India's first phone-sex line went live, it became so popular that it was driving its users into debt - so the Indian government shut it down.

A Marie Claire survey found that 41 per cent of French people have participated in an orgy and 27 per cent have engaged in partner swapping. It is also believed that the French give and receive the most fellatio.

Harajuku, Japan
The Harajuku area of Tokyo is famous across the world for its fetish fashions - the most recent fetish-fashion craze to sweep the area is 'injured idol', where scantily clad women dress up in bandages.

Mykonos, Greece
Anything goes on this Greek island, which has been dubbed 'the world's adult playground'.

San Fernando Valley, California, USA
Nearly 90 per cent of all legally distributed pornographic films made in the United States are either filmed in or produced by studios based in the San Fernando Valley - aka "Porn Valley", "San Pornando Valley" or "Silicone Valley".

San Francisco, California, USA
This city is host to the World's largest showcase for S&M products and culture - the Folsom Street Fair.

Tel Aviv, Israel
This city is known as the 'brothel capital of the world', with an estimated 250 knocking shops.

Cap d'Agde, France
Unsurprisingly, France boasts the largest naturist resort in the world - the Cap d'Agde, whose 'Village Naturiste' is made up of a small town and a 2km beach.

Upminster, England
The residents of this suburban town are the kinkiest in England - they spend 7.9 times the national average on sex toys and DVDs to boost their sex lives.

Dave said...

"memento" is time travel for the viewer, wjo is proceeding backwards through time, and in a strange way for guy pearce, who is travelling blindly forward into time "slots" without the benfit of memory from the previous "slot." there doesn't have to be a time machine.

who cares, anyway. i am quitting this blogging nonsense and moving to sweden, new zealand, or france.

Dave said...

and i should have put "back to the future" on the list. just to give michael j. fox a bright spot in his otherwise shaky day.

Dennis said...

I'm on a transcontinental flight during both the Tribe-UNC game and the entire Friday slate of NCAA tourney games. I am the Bama of the week, week, week...

Dave said...

marls, that timeline is beautiful. and i totally forgot about "quantum leap." the episode when he plays "yesterday," always brought darren brown to tears.

TJ said...

Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Doctor Sam Beckett led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top secret project, known as QUANTUM LEAP. Pressured to prove his theories or lose funding, Doctor Beckett, prematurely stepped into the Project Accelerator and vanished. He awoke to find himself in the past, suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that was not his own. Fortunately, contact with his own time was made through brainwave transmissions, with Al, the Project Observer, who appeared in the form of a hologram that only Doctor Beckett could see and hear. Trapped in the past, Doctor Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right, that once went wrong and hoping each time, that his next leap will be the leap home.

Marls said...

Teej, did Ziggy help you find that info?

TJ said...

Ziggy had a new data search component installed and we had to have it shipped in from Hong Kong and I think that gave a little jet-lag to the modem of the floppy disk.

Dan said...

dennis....i feel your pain man. on friday, well, thursday actually...and this really sucks....i'm going to be....of all las vegas.

that's a dick move by me isn't it?

Whitney said...

Dave, you know how I enjoy correcting you... the song wasn't "Yesterday," it was "Imagine"; it was 1970, and when Sam was singing/playing it, it hadn't been written by John Lennon, and it made his sister break down in tears. Tough stuff.

And the scene makes most anyone cry -- well, anyone not from central New Jersey (where maths are king and emotions are stunted from toxic waste).

TR said...

I am somewhere b/w Dennis and Dan this week. I am off on Thursday and Friday to play Mr. Mom while the wife gets a trip to a wedding out of town. I had my own trip last month, so it's her turn. But I have to deal with two little ones for 4 days in a row. I will celebrate Thursday's first tip-off by leading my kids in a sing-along that closes out their 11:15 AM music class. The best of times and the worst of times all at once.

The one upside is the looks that other moms give you when you're the helping Dad and you're handling little ones. The bar of expectations is so low with dads that any guy who's remotely component gets lots of smiles from moms. Of course, they're the kinds of smiles that people make while watching the Special Olympics, but I'll take what I can get.

TJ said...

It's the greatest scene in Quantum Leap history. If I remember correctly, it was part of an epic two-episode story line that linked the end of one season to what ended up being the least season.

rob said...

i'm flying to utah on thursday morning, arriving in salt lake city too late to see the odu/notre dame matchup (and one week to early to see the regional finals). i'll be tied up in various family wedding-related ceremonial crap for the better part of thursday and friday, so i will likely only catch bits and pieces of the first two days. snowboarding saturday, so i've got as much chance of breaking an arm as i do watching much basketball. then, flying home most of sunday.

not my finest hour, hoopfully speaking.

mayhugh said...

Hi Jack, I'm Annette. You're doing it wrong.

TJ said...

Honey, if you call and I'm not home, I'll be at the gym or the gun club.

Dan said...

tr - i wish you well. that's a tough gig. one child is hard enough for a few days, much less, errr, more rather, two.
i did see that walgreen's is having a big sale on benadryl though, so you've got that goin for ya.
rob - are you picking odu over the irish?

TR said...

Rob - what mountain you hitting out there?

rob said...

powder mountain, tr. it's where my aunt and uncle live. apparently a pretty small resort. and i'm sure i'll be hitting it repeatedly - i've snowboarded once in my life, and that was ten years ago. past dave taught me how.

danny, i'm verrrrry tempted to take odu over notre dame. the monarchs defend the hell out of the half court game, and the new irish offense plays to odu's strength.

rob said...

wow, ken pomeroy likes the monarchs, too.

TJ said...

It's too early for this, but what the heck...take Cornell, Siena and UTEP.

Mark said...

I feel some of your pain. As for me, I'm on vacation starting Wednesday. I just couldn't bring myself to work on 3 weekdays that included St. Patrick's Day and the first two days of the tourney.

I'll be sure to hold G:TB down whilst on my mini vacation though.

Dave said...

"imagine"? why the hell wasn't it "yesterday"? yesterday makes a hell of a lot more sense! i should have written that show.

Dave said...

right now i'm 0 for 4 on teaching people how to snowboard.

good luck rob. keep your hands forward. the board will go the way you point your shoulders. and perhaps wear a helmet.

rob said...

my dad and sister, neither of whom have ever snowboarded before, will be with me on saturday. it promises to be an epic clusterfuck. my dad's even less patient than i am.

cgormley said...

Rob, wear a helmet. Your head will be happy.

Ambiguous comment of the day.

Dan said...

didn't know you were mormon rob, not that there's anything wrong with that.

rob said...

my two wives didn't give it away?

TJ said...

People who act like they know more than me about college basketball or classic rock shooutout need to step the fuck off.

TR said...

TJ should've added "or bad t-shirts" to his prior comment.

Mark said...

Random comment from The Teej...

No more random than many of his other comments but still an odd subject considering the comments at G:TB today.

TJ said...

Well, unless you own the Swint "Collie" t...

Dan said...

yeah....tony says you better step off!

rob said...

it appears that the tribe game at unc will be in carmichael arena instead of the dean dome. since the game should be in williamsburg in the first place, this is some grade-a bullshit. give 'em hell, tribe.

Jerry said...

No, you're thinking about someone with two knives.

Marls said...

You got it Bobert. 9:30 at night in the UNC girls gym. It is so far beyond bullshit. If the Tribe had any stones they would not show up and let the nit committee and unc explain how fucked up this is. W&M would have been able to put together a nice crowd for this game, but instead, we will play in front of about fifty people. This may be the final straw for me. Collegiate athletics are a fucking joke. In football and basketball just pay the kids. Let the big money teams do what they want, since they have all the advantages anyway. Whoever pays the kids the most wins. At least the actual players would get something instead of the old white dudes who do everything in thir power to maintin the status quo.

Mark said...

That's a Grade A rant out of Marls. I just have one question : Why do you hate America?

rob said...

here's a little bill raftery piece from to get you ready for the madness:

i think we should add him to the g:tb staff.

zoltan said...

I will spend the entire NCAA tournament locked in my office while my employer hazes me.

Giant squid tattoos are cool. My friend has an old-timey nautical-type tattoo of a sperm whale battling a giant squid. It's very Captain Nemo/Jacques Cousteau.