My name is Rob, and I can't watch recorded sports programming.
Your DVR has no value to me. I know how it works. I get that it should be a significant boon – I can spend quality time with my family and then, after the little ones go to bed, I can cozy up to some recorded sports action as if it’s happening live. It appears for all the world to be a technology-assisted win-win. But I can’t use it.
The fact of the matter is that I have an advanced case of adult attention deficit disorder combined with a particularly virulent lack of personal discipline. The net result: I am constitutionally incapable of ignoring the result of a contest that’s been completed, even if I know I have it recorded for my viewing pleasure. The Olympics were a special kind of torture.
When I got my first DVR a year or so ago (after resisting it on the grounds that I’d wind up writing something exactly like this), I tried several times to record games – Red Sox here, Redskins there, maybe a college football game or two, some rhythmic gymnastics. And every single time, I saw the result before I had a chance to watch the recorded action. On purpose. Which rendered the recorded content irrelevant and past tense, because I’m also incapable of watching something once I know the result. That particular insanity isn’t limited to sports. I’m terrible at the movie quote game because I rarely watch movies more than once (Dumb n’ Dumber excepted). I haven’t seen a television rerun in years.
I’m a mental patient with no perceptible ability to delay sports-score-related gratification. I freely admit it. Sure makes it easier to maintain equilibrium with the space-time continuum, though.
And now you know...the rest of the story.