Friday, June 06, 2008

Weekend Placeholder/Ladies Love G:TB

Been an odd week here at G:TB HQ. My office has been without power since Wednesday as a result of the "unprecedented" storms that rolled through the D.C. area. I'm feeling oddly disconnected from the world - a not altogether unpleasant feeling.

Because one of our faithful readers is concerned about the Ceai-heavy content around these parts of late, here's a quickly-conceived and poorly executed notion to take you into the weekend. Our friends from the Outer Banks gave us their top 5 macking songs a few weeks ago. Since we don't know from how to score with the ladies, here's Whitney's Anti-Top 5 - the Worst Hook-Up Songs:

5. Prodigy, "Smack My Bitch Up"
This works (poorly) on a number of levels - it's an awful sonic complement to tenderly whispered sweet nothings, and very few things say 'I Love You' like domestic violence songs.

4. Metallica, "Creeping Death"
See above, but replace "domestic violence songs" with "songs about death".

3. The Smiths, "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others"
'Cause every girl wants to be reminded of her body issues, real or perceived, by a dreamy, moody rockstar she can't have because he finds her repulsive. Y'know, because he's gay, and all.

2. The Rollins Band, "Liar"
Subtle psychosis is a proven aphrodesiac.

1. Ween, "Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)"
Ween's misogyny is underrated. "The Blarney Stone" was in the running here, too.

And, as Whit accurately notes, "Anything by 2 Live Crew immediately goes to the top of the list". Unless you've got a really special lady. Take this list to heed, boys and girls, and go out and enjoy yourselves this sweltering weekend.

I was planning to list 5 as well, but I wanted to get something online before the sun went down. More to come, unless there isn't. Your additions are, as always, welcome.

25 comments:

Whitney said...

Yeah, "Spinal Meningitis" just creeps me out. Gives me chills at concerts, and not in the good, Springsteen-unearthing-an-oldie/Shane-MacGowan-not-being-dead kind of way. I can't imagine hooking up with that on. She'd have to be incredibly talented.

"Am I gonna see God, Mommy? / I don't want to die"

Mmmm, that's sexy.

rob said...

i'd like to proffer 'backseat education' by zodiac mindwarp and the love reaction as a candidate.

TJ said...

Anything off of Body Count's self-titled debut fits the bill here...particularly "Momma's Gotta Die Tonight".

Rhymenocerous said...

On this topic, I made the mistake of playing my 40 GB iPod on shuffle a couple months back while spending time with the wife and baby. A Biggie Smalls song came on that I didn't know and it was pure filth. It was one of the raunchiest sex songs I've ever heard. The acts described become 10 million times more disturbing if you accidentally think of him doing those things. Naked.

I think my wife's scowling turned to yelling during the verse where he encouraged ladies to perform an act on him, spit a particular substance on his belly, and then lick said substance off his belly. Grossness all the way around.

I'm sure somebody out there can illuminate the masses with this song's title.

rob said...

i like senator obama quite a bit, but this is absurdity raised to an art form:

"I cried all night. I’m going to be crying for the next four years. What Barack Obama has accomplished is the single most extraordinary event that has occurred in the 232 years of the nation’s political history. ... The event itself is so extraordinary that another chapter could be added to the Bible to chronicle its significance," - Jesse Jackson, Jr.

rob said...

kool moe dee's 'go see the doctor' - not exactly wooing music.

Whitney said...

Being a politician must mean having to endure "supporters" who embarrass you, speak on behalf of you with misguided skewings of your actual message, and are just folks you'd want nothing to do with but can't afford to jettison from your camp.

Oh, and the Dead Kennedys' "Too Drunk to Fuck" is aural sensuality nobody can resist snogging to.

Whitney said...

And the only thing I took from Jesse Jackson's hyperbole smorgasbord:

It's been 32 frickin' years since the Bicentennial??? Really?? Man, am I old.

Greg said...

Ahhh, the Bicentennial. Those tall ships sure lifted the nation's spirits after Watergate.

Whitney said...

You just wish you were alive for it, youngster. It was pretty awesome.

TJ said...

Hillary Clinton, not good with speech start times...get your ass to the Building Museum lady, you're an hour late already.

TJ said...

Andy Pettitte...wow, not a good day vs. the juggernaut Royals...

rob said...

well, he did give them 6 2/3 innings. don't worry, the royals "bullpen" will figure out a way to give it back.

rob said...

told you.

TJ said...

Tiny, I don't care if he went 6 2/3 innings...a 10 ER outing is never good.

But yes, Frozen Caveman CF saved the day.

TJ said...

That was quite an eventful 7th inning for Crazy Carlos Zambrano.

rob said...

yes, tommy, apparently the sarcasm button was malfunctioning.

TJ said...

Happens all the time...no worries, you're off the hook this time.

I am pulling for Icabad Crane in this race...let me guess, you're all for the moment and pageantry of a Triple Crown winner?

TJ said...

More random white spot - Big Brown or Rasheed Wallace?

rob said...

i'm strangely ambivalent. the media force fed me the dutrow/iaeh are scumbags story to the point where it's become true. i guess on balance i'd still like to see history.

TJ said...

Look at this kid singing NY NY...pimping.

TJ said...

Icabad Crane...dead last so far. Nice.

TJ said...

38 to 1 horse wins...wow.

TJ said...

Sooooo, this was the first race Big Brown ran without the 'roids, right?

I'm just saying...

KQ said...

i did have more than one college suitor attempt to woo me with jimmy buffet's "why don't we get drunk and screw." that sure was classy.