You guys playing cards?

Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode...And every spring, the Celtics fail to win a road playoff game, the latest example being the absolute implosion in Indiana last night (BOOM! Reggie Miller). It's been said before, but it bears repeating - the rookies can't guard Reggie. Sure, physically they can, because he's old as dirt, but Reggie is abusing them off screens, and the refs love Reggie...Tony Allen and Delonte West don't have a chance. Sidebar: When you're making Ricky Davis look sane and functional there is something seriously wrong, Antoine Walker (there is sure to be a suspension here...notch up a big L for Game 4). As I told Jerry the other day, SG got this series very wrong.

Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain... morally casual attitude...Is that what Mr. Cruise is looking for in Ms. Holmes? Or is he looking to finally convert one of his gal pals to his freaky cult religion? I'm sorry, but I can't belong to a religion that gives us Battleship Earth. Electing the religion's leader via smoke clouds? Yep, sign me up (what's that you say? I belong to that one? Oh right, silly me). But Travolta looking like a third-rate Klingon? No chance. (perhaps the Klingon reference is a bit much for my readership)

The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me...Or, in this case, that foot is President George W. Bush crushing the hopes and dreams of the future Mrs. Simspon by pre-empting the OC last night. There's only 4 episodes left people! She needs her OC! (I was gonna do some sort of "Big Toe" Sgt. Hulka joke here, but that would be crossing the streams, and as Egon has told us many times, crossing the streams would be very bad)

They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!...I don't even have something for this. It's simply the best line in the movie, and it needs to be included. Perhaps this is the right place to mention this. Oh man, if The Wilk has any Paul Shirley in him, this might be entertaining.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son...Well look at that, I didn't even have to reach for a quote to attach to John Rocker. Rocker is apparently back in baseball, pitching for the Long Island Ducks of the independent Atlantic League. And, as we all had hoped, his debut was a debacle. Rocker walked four batters in the ninth inning and lost 4-3 to the Bridgeport Bluefish. Welcome back jackass.

What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...Dead. Schilling, dead. Yankees...not dead yet, despite their first losing April in a decade. (I think, I sent my fact checker to get me coffee) This team is getting old very fast, but I am not about to write them off in April, as some actual sports writers are doing. I simply do not believe the Orioles are going to win 95 games and beat out both the Red Sox and Yankees and win the AL East. And please don't get me started on the White Sox and their crazy-ass manager. That team is a .500 team at best. Lock it up. They start Jose Contreras AND El Duque for god sakes. Those two guys are the Cuban equivalent of Statler and Waldorf. (and if you don't get that, well, I can't help you)

May I have ten thousand marbles, please?...Sounds like something Michael Jackson might say. You do all realize he's gonna get off, right? (pun very much intended)

How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein? How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?...It's still April, so I need to get one more shot in on Peter Angelos, that a-hole.