Weekly Exercise in Superfan Futility

It seems like only yesterday we stepped up, if only briefly, from the ignominy of futility to the comparative glory of mediocrity. I think we all remember the words of an unknown but masterfully understated undergraduate, who opined via posterboard, “That Just Happened”. Now that we’ve tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of almost being good enough to get hammered by a #2 seed in the NCAA tournament (tastes a little like slightly overripe avocado), we’ll stop at nothing to have it again*.

After a lackluster, though probably predictable opening weekend in the dreary midwest, the 0-2 William and Mary Tribe return to bucolic Williamsburg to host a pair of out-of-conference tilts. And G:TB picks up where we left off as the internet’s 3rd or 4th leading purveyor of obscure W&M hoops previews and arcana.

Wednesday, November 19 – Norfolk State @ William and Mary

Get a load of Norfolk State's logo. Unless I miss my guess, that's supposed to be a female Spartan in full battle regalia there on the right. That's a historical inaccuracy of epic proportion. And there's nothing that fires up William and Mary kids more than historical inaccuracies, except maybe grammatical errors. In an homage to NSU's most famous alum, the Tribe breaks out the Venus Flytrap defense and beats the Spartans by 15.

Saturday, November 22 – Navy @ William and Mary

David Robinson’s not walking through that door. Neither is his brother, Chuck, who wasn’t nearly as good. Vernon Butler isn’t walking through that door, and if he did, I wouldn't recognize him. The Middies lost to W&M's conference brethren Towson by 18 to open their season. This is another one Danny Sumner, David Schneider, Peter Stein, and the boys should win easily.

Sumner's the only Tribe player averaging double figures after two games, and even he's only shooting 42.3% from the floor - which is admittedly better than the team's overall 40.6% mark. Newcomer and Arkansas transfer Sean McCurdy's dropped 8 dimes to date, but turned the ball over 10 times. The Tribe's only connecting on 26.3% of its 3-point attempts while yielding a 48.5% rate to their opponents. We're gonna chalk all these bleak numbers up to small sample size and assume that the good guys right the ship this week at home.

* - Overstated for effect, as a) we actually have no bearing on whether we get to taste anything in this metaphor, and b) there are probably limits to how far we’d go to taste this (again, metaphorical) nectar. Maybe not for Whitney, though, he’s pretty much a slave to his impulses.

Suck It, Randy Newman

I give you the 2008 American League MVP. He's the one in his dad's arms.

The newest fad in road rage:

Throwing dangerous objects at the target of your abject hatred

I hate everyone on the road as much as the next person (especially Maryland drivers), but I must say, I had yet to ponder throwing shit at them in my usual fit of rage (the only kind of "fit" that can actually be attributed to me). First up, we have Colonel Mustard in the HOV Lane with the Wrench:

Motorist accused of throwing wrench at vehicle
PORT ORCHARD, Wash. (AP) - A 32-year-old man was booked and jailed for investigation of reckless endangerment and fourth-degree assault on Friday after allegedly throwing a wrench at another vehicle on a highway.

The tool broke a vehicle's driver's-side window, showering glass inside the vehicle, and struck the driver in his left shoulder on State Highway 16. The man driving the vehicle wasn't injured.

The State Patrol said investigators were unable to determine the reason for the assault.

Witnesses traveling westbound on the highway told troopers the man had been passing vehicles and traveling at a high rate of speed when he threw the wrench "for no apparent reason."

But not to be outdone, we have this lunatic in Nebraska, who wanted to take it up a notch (BAM!):

Driver sentenced for throwing axe at motorist
LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) - A driver who threw an axe at another motorist, wounding him, has been sentenced to 37 days in jail. The man, 51, was sentenced Friday in Lancaster County Court for third-degree assault and criminal mischief after pleading no contest to the charges.

Authorities said two vehicles were traveling near an intersection on June 13 and one cut in front of the other, prompting both vehicles to stop. The man threw a 3-foot axe through the other driver's passenger window, striking him in the ribs with the blunt end.

Sure, this guy is off his rocker, but let's hear it for his axe-throwing skills. Not since Chavez y Chavez has a man so accurately thrown an axe.

rob saves the day

"Walter, he peed on my rug..."

At 7:30pm Halloween night, this is what your Doofus Overlord came up with as his first Halloween costume in roughly five years...

"That rug really tied the room together"

Donovan McNabb is very anti-sister kissing

What a horrendous post title. I don't care. I just want to know if McNabb was being a wiseass or if he really did not know that NFL regular season games could end in a tie, in which case he is dumber than Brock Berlin:

"I didn't know that," said McNabb, who played a leading role in keeping it tied. "I've never been part of a tie. I never even knew it was in the rule book. I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game. But unfortunately with the rules, we settled with a tie."

It was the first tied game in the NFL since Nov. 10, 2002, when the Falcons and Steelers finished 34-34 with Michael Vick and Tommy Maddox matching each other pass for pass. In this one, the teams matched each other gaffe for gaffe.

You know, on a hunch, I decided to go look at that 2002 season, and guess what team just happened to play the Falcons in the playoffs that year? Yep, Donovan and his Eagles. You telling me McNabb saw the Falcons 9-6-1 record and thought the little "1" off to the side was a typo? What a dumbass.

That is all.

GTB's Week 11 NFL Picks: These Go to Eleven

Good morning.
Most of the staff is out of town today (an infrequently used euphemism for impotence), so I've been given the honor of collecting our guys' picks and posting them. The good thing is that I don't actually have to make any picks, since I've proven myself way out of my element. Enjoy what the keen minds at Gheorghe have brought you this week, and as always, good luck deciphering whose is whose without name tags:

Minnesota (+3.5) @ Tampa Bay
I don't know why I keep picking Bucs games. It’s not like I know what I’m doing when I pick these games, or even what day it is, thanks to Teejay Brand Tobacco. But here’s a trivia question for you: who leads the NFL in rushing? Nope, not Clinton Portis any more, not LaDainian Tomlinson (now that he’s completely mediocre he’s stripped of the “LT” title; he’s more “LD” these days), not Mike Alstott... no, it’s Adrian Peterson, the only man with over 1,000 yards to date. How do my beloved Butt Buccaneers hold him off? They don’t. He runs hog-wild around, over, and through the Tampa D like Geoff in a Dupont Circle laundromat after too much pink zinfandel. The Bucs instead rely on the inevitable, eventual downfall of Gus the kicking mule. Hear me now and believe me later: Gus throws for 275 yards, 2 TD’s, 4 INT’s, and one head-butt of the pirate ship. And one of those picks comes back for a TD... or I eat a big steak-n-tot breakfast burrito from Sonic.

Also worth noting: I use multiple paragraphs every time I review a game. Why can't I be more succinct? Well, fuck you, Burr. Take the Tampax out of your ass (still talking to you, hair gelly donut) and take Tampa to cover (now speaking to everyone).

Dallas (-1.5) @ Washington
This pains me. After the Skins go and face the peril in Dallas, coming out victorious, they now have to host the Cowgirls with one arm and one leg lopped off. ‘Tis but a scratch, so says Jim Zorn, but we know better. It’s too perilous. Cowboys 19, Redskins 10. (I bet you’re gay.)

Oakland (+10.5) @ Miami
The Raiders are poop. Not a little bit poopy but total and utter excrement. Poop like the Jets’ drafts from Johnny “Lam” Jones well into the modern era.



(And Burr, blow me for making fun of my use of YouTube and then doing it yourself. You love me. Smile, you love me.)

But what do we know about poop? Sometimes it gets on your shoe, and that makes you angry. Not enough to ruin your day, but enough to agitate you. Not enough to win this game, but enough to stay within 10.5 points and agitate the ‘fins. Not enough to take the title like Magnum T.A. against Tully Blanchard in the 1985 “I Quit” Cage Match, but enough to be pests, like Ole & Arn Anderson. It’s like creeper dope , the kind you dismiss as total rag because your high school cousin bought it, but then when you’re laughing out loud at reruns of Kenan & Kel on Nickelodeon at 4 in the morning, you start to realize that while still crap at its core it can still tweak reality and make its presence felt. That’s the Raiders. Seed-filled, stem-filled, nearly-oregano, cheap-assed rag weed. God bless em. Raiders.

Baltimore (+6.5) @ NY Giants
Gang Green won last night, vindicating me and elating fellow G:TB mastermind TeeJet. Sunday will be the other Meadowlands inhabitants' time to shine, which doesn’t make anyone around these parts all that pleased. The Giants are like the peep show jerk-off bin in Times Square; lots of folks in other parts of the country don’t want to believe that they exist, but they get the job done, even if it ain’t pretty. Brandon Jacobs reminds me a good deal of the menu at a recent “Feats of Eating” battle in which I took bronze. By that I mean he’s a side of beef, a huge rump roast, one andouille, and two meatballs all served on a plastic tray with “Rahway Sheraton” printed on it. Look for a pair of trips into the soft, wet, pink, promised land for him. (Sorry, Cinemax Late Night was on last night.) Joe Flacco, meanwhile, reminds me far too much of the horrendous gas I had after 3AM Jack-in-the-Box in Spartanburg, SC on Spring Break junior year. Make what you will of that comparison.
Prediction: Giants cover, winning 23-14.

Tennessee (-3) @ Jacksonville
I’m really not too good at this whole “gambling” thing. It’s why I don't actually wager money on these picks, just the good name of my good friends at Gheorghe. (Except Mark, whom I loathe. So should you.) Whenever I have a notion on who will win, I threaten to call Swint’s bookie, only to choose instead to merely mention it in a G:TB comment and soon thereafter see that prediction rendered idiotic. It's all part of why I keep my job down at the Wonka factory rather than go into bookmaking.

I like to root for the little guy, ‘cause, y’know, I’m wee. I root for the oppressed. I’m not talking “little guy” like Little Danny Starfucker or “little guy” like the Coney in Whitney’s underjohnnies. I’m talking underdogs. Like Barack Obama, baby. (Memo to Geoff: it wasn’t just a nightmare . . . the man of color is president. Deal with it.) It’s like Jay Barker used to say: “Red . . . 32 . . . hey, Auburn . . . Fuck you.” Jags win this outright, rendering all the talk about the Titans going undefeated about as relevant as Titanic. (Which, yes, I saw in the theater. Screw you, Mark. I'm old and gay.)

The Feud is Over...

No, not the feud between Burr and I. That, like Greg's herpes, will never die. I'm speaking of the long running feud I've had with Sonic. As some of you may have realized during my time on the staff here at G:TB, I'm completely irrational. I find slights where there are none and I create feuds where other people find joy and fulfillment. Its my gift. For example, I refused to even try a Gatorade flavor that was introduced after Citrus Cooler (mmmm) for almost a decade (maybe longer, I'm not going to bother looking up when CC was introduced). Why? Because I took offense at Gatorade creating all these bullshit flavors like Mango and Riptide Rush (Seriously, what the fuck?) and wasn't going to let my consumerism be a part of the problem. I alone will fight the power. Alas, I am only a man and finally relented when Gatorade introduced Lemonade as a flavor a couple of years back. It was a good choice, the lemonade flavor is truly amazing, A triumph in flavor engineering, if you will.

Why am I telling you all this? Because while my boycott of the new Gatorade flavors may have died a lonely death, my boycott of Sonic has been going strong for years now. It really doesn't make sense. I mean, this "restaurant" serves tater tots, has a plethora of drink/shake options, and is constantly revamping its menu with new and innovative (if extremely unheallthy) food options. However, like I said, I am extremely dedicated and irrational. So, I held firm. I've never so much as set foot on Sonic property and wasn't about to let their original menu or entertaining commercials (see below...thanks Whit) sway me. That is, until last night. Evidently, Sonic now offers something called "Sausage Biscuit Dippers". Which is essentially three small sausage biscuits with milk gravy to dip them in.

Consider my white flag waved, people of Sonic, Inc. I can no longer keep fighting the good fight. You've successfully tapped into my inner southern fat kid and you've finally broken me. I don't know when I'll be making my first trip to Sonic but its a sure bet it will be soon and I'll be consuming some Sausage Biscuit Dippers with a side of tater tots. I am, after all, only human.

Hello, Part Two

For the one or fewer of you that want - really want- a glimpse into my soul. I've got a lot of Will Leitch in me. The text at that link reads as if I wrote it, embarrassed self-consciousness and all. I'm not proud. But I am adamant.

Hello...is it me you're looking for?

I'm back from Orlando for about 24 hours, then off to Charlotte for work (seriously, could I have plannned my work travel any worse?), but I thought I'd pop in and do what I do best. Or rather, I'd let Lionel do it for me (skip to the 5:00 mark if you just want to laugh at the sculpture):

Return of the Futile Superfans

While most of the G:TB staff was killing braincells and supporting Florida's economy over the past week, all of us were aggressively ignoring the rapid approach of the college basketball season. Michael Litos has previewed the part of it we care about, so we'll skip the part where we actually do research and get right down to the highlights.

William and Mary's cagers jump right in this year, eschewing their traditional early season light fare to take on Penn State in Happy Valley and solid mid-major Ohio in Athens this weekend. Friday's game against the Nittany Lions is on the Big Ten Network at 6:30 - that's mandatory viewing for the G:TB readership. No, seriously, if you don't watch it we won't give you the new password.

After those moderately tough but winnable roadies, the Tribe's got six straight out-of-conference flyweights before CAA favorite VCU comes to Willamsburg. If Tony Shaver's boys are any worse than 7-4 when the calendar turns to 2009, we may need to shelve all those happy feelings we dusted off in March.

Either way, we'll be here providing your indispensable and poorly considered Tribe hoops arcana.

Case of the Mondays

Bogged down today by the demands of the workaday world. Sure wish I was with Teejay, who's spent the last few days doing this:

Happy Gay NFL Sunday

The irony of the choice of a cover of Morrissey's Every Day is Like Sunday as part of the NFL's current advertising campaign is not lost on G:TB. Because what football fan doesn't love songs about the melancholy of a seaside town in winter penned by famously, fabulously morose gay sex symbols?

GTB's Week 10 NFL Picks: Revenge of the Doofus Overlord

Jacksonville @ Detroit (-7)

Remember when everybody was picking Jacksonville for the Super Bowl? Remember when David Garrard was the league's next up and coming QB? Remember when Jack The River was considered one the league's brightest young coaches? Okay, scratch that last one. The point here is that Jacksonville was supposedly a team on the rise coming into this year. However, a slew of injuries has decimated this team and quickly exposed them as a unit that's not nearly as good as many thought. The injuries to the Jaguar O-Line have severely weakend Jacksonville's ability to run the ball and placed a ton of pressure on David Garrard which has exposed the former East Carolina signal caller as an average passer (Jeff Blake he is not) who's best when he can take advantage of defenses stacking the box to stop Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor. Garrard's middling ability coupled with the paucity of playmakers within the Jaguar receiving corps has rendered Jacksonville's offense a punchless unit, unable to make up for a defense that's no longer as fierce as in year's past due to the loss of key players because of injury and free agency defection. So, you see...it shouldn't surprise anybody that Jacksonville sucks this year. With that said, Jacksonville is a long way from being as bad as Detroit and there's no way that Daunte Culpepper is agile enough (physically or mentally) to come out handle a Jaguar team still clinging to the slimmest of playoff hopes. Jacksonville's season is over if they lose in Motown, so take the Jags.

Kansas City @ San Diego (-15)

When the hell are people going to realize that San Diego just isn't that good? The defense is completely average without Shawne Merriman 'roid raging his way to the QB off the edge and it sure seems like LT has hit the wall - he's Eddie George'd (As in: No, he's done. Totally Eddie George'd). I know we're supposed to believe that his lack of production is all due to his toe injury, but I'm not buying it. He's accrued (ed note: nice, an accounting shoutout) a ton of mileage over the past 5-6 years and running backs can only withstand that kind of usage and pounding for so long before they completely fall apart (kind of like porn stars...where art thou Kobe Tai?). Meanwhile, Tyler Thigpen isn't all that bad. He's got a lot of Josh McCown in him and can make plays with his legs and arm. On top of that, the Chiefs found some success in the run game last week by using Jamaal Charles in the Wildcat, as the Bucs allowed a 100 yard rusher for the first time all year. I've got a feeling that Herm Edwards can inspire the troops enough to keep them from losing by two TDs. That hope we can all believe in. Yes We (the Chiefs) Can!

New Orleans @ Atlanta (-0.5)

Why does a 0.5 line exist? I mean are the odds makers such pussies that they worry about a tie? C'mon, you're just doing this to annoy me aren't you? Moving on, the Saints, like Playboy magazine and the good ole US of A, will click despite the absence of Bush. A matchup of MVP vs. Rookie of the Year will be an intriguing story. But, the veteran will prevail here - Saints win 27.5-27.

Green Bay @ Minnesota (-2.5)

This will be an interesting game of polar opposite offensive attacks. The Pack will rely heavily on Rodgers' arm against a suspect (with pardons to Mr. Sharper) secondary, while the Vikings will ride A-Pete's back as long as he can hold them up. This is probably a field goal game, so the 2.5 points the Vikes lay doesn't scare me here. Minny wins it 23-20; possibly in overtime.

Carolina @ Oakland (+9)

I see in my local fishwrap that Redskins owner Little Starfucker has expressed interest in DeAngelo Hall. The same DeAngelo Hall that just got cut by the Raiders. The same Raiders who just got pantsed by the Falcons and currently define train wreck in an NFL context. So we're almost assured of seeing Hall in maroon and black by this time next week. Well, 6-3 cures a lot of ills. Bygones. (Yeah, that's right, I just dropped an Ally McBeal reference. Also, my name is TJ.)

Speaking of the Raiders, they suck. Did you see that game last week, Jack? They suck. Carolina, very quietly, doesn't suck. The Raiders, though, suck. A lot. More than 10 points worse than the Panthers, in fact.

I'm TJ, and I approve this message.

G:TB Song of the...Time Period

In honor of the forthcoming (and interminably awaited) Chinese Democracy, a look back at when Guns n' Roses was actually relevant.

We Got Next

Word on the street is that newly elected President Barack Obama plans to replace the fabled (if somewhat anachronistic) White House bowling alley with a basketball court, in keeping with longstanding Presidential prerogative.

Until now, my pickup hoops dream has been to get invited to Cal Ripken's house to play at his legendary gym, complete with full scoreboard and NBA team uniforms. I'm reconsidering now, though - it'd be more than a little cool to take POTUS off the dribble.

Thoughts, boys and girls? What's your fantasy run?

Sorry Folks

Teejay's winging his way down the coast this morning, headed for Orlando and a few days of wearing socks with sandals and trying hard not to kill his coworkers. He left me in charge, but requested we begin the day with this:


Who am I to refuse our Doofus Overlord a little good cheer?

Barack the President

Near the confluence of the three mighty rivers, a confluence of a different sort, as new President-elect Barack Obama and William and Mary’s own Mike Tomlin share a moment last week. If Obama’s half as successful in Washington over the next few years as Tomlin’s Steelers were on Monday night, we’ll all be smiling.

For my (meager, at least apparently compared to the GTB commentariat) money, the best line of Obama's victory speech last night, "And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too."

You didn't come here for politics, so the customary silliness, poop jokes, and YouTubes will resume in short order.

Photo courtesy of the D.C. Sports Bog via Friend of G:TB Shlara.

"Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye"

When a bit's this good, why let it go? Come join in the fun and games as cnn.com's new political wunderkinds (that would be us) break down all the races you wish you were watching instead of Musgrove/Wicker for one of Mississippi's Senate seats. As a wise man replied all this morning, "Inanity is our forte, so I don't see why we wouldn't proceed"...

Urban Meyer vs. Mark Richt
Weekend polling swung heavily toward Meyer as this battle of smarmy, Teutonic ballcoaches neared the finish line. Pundits wonder whether Meyer’s gratuitous use of timeouts will hurt him as the voters take pen in hand to make their final decisions. The winner of this runoff likely faces the uber-slime of Alabama’s Nick Saban to see who represents the South in the Big Election in January.

Chris Berman vs. Scott Van Pelt
In this corner, a caricature of a caricature of a once-relevant icon. In this corner, a neurotic, goofy, humbly affable sportscaster. Let’s get ready to rummmbllllllle.

The Escape Club's "Wild, Wild West" vs. Neneh Cherry's "Buffalo Stance"
The Escape Club hit #1 with "Wild, Wild West" in 1988, and gave the world one of the most overquoted lyrics ever, or at least until January 1, 1990 hit. Neneh Cherry also hit #1 in 1988 (I think, I'm too lazy to scour Billboard.com) with "Buffalo Stance" and was roundly criticized for performing the song 8 months pregnant on some British Seacrest-type show. I'm going Cherry by absentee ballot W...mainly because I forgot how awful the Escape Club video was.

Spencer Hawes vs. Etan Thomas
Been a rough couple weeks for young Hawes, one of the NBA’s most outspoken Republicans, as his Sactown Kings opened the season 0-4 and his home state of Washington has been bathing in a deep indigo hue. Free versing Thomas, on the other hand, stepped back on the court after spending 2008 recovering from heart surgery and logged serious hours working for the progressive side of the political aisle. While both of these gentlemen will wake up tomorrow playing for miserable basketball teams, at least one of them will be happy about the electoral college.

Stephon Marbury vs. Sanity
This race has surprisingly tightened up in the last week as Mr. Marbury has managed to avoid saying/doing the typical insane things a Starbury is prone to do. Despite falling behind early by unveiling a tattoo of a logo on his head, he has climbed back into the race, despite accumulating a pair of DNPs and not even dressing for his team's third game. Pundits suspect Marbury will emerge victorious, forcing Knicks management to trade or cut him. At that point, look for Mark Cuban or Phil Jackson to swoop in, sign the man and allow all parties to wallow in the Marbury's resurgent lunacy.

NY Times Crossword Puzzles vs. Video Billiards
Otherwise known as the battle between the two things Rhymo enjoys doing most while squeezing out a deuce, this race has ebbed and flowed in recent months. The Times has suffered from lack of consistent visibility next to the sofas in his company's reception area. Without being present, it is hard for Rhymo to pilfer it for his mid-morning squat while chatting with the receptionists. Billiards has been making inroads, but the poor shot selections of the computer foe takes some of the fun away from winning. It's like winning at pool against a mentally challenged person. Or Isiah Thomas. Look for the stalwart Times to win out in this battle of porcelain perched time wasters.

Lemmy vs. James Hetfield
Pollsters are somewhat surprised by the tightness of this race (and of Lemmy's pants). While Hetfield has far more name recognition and a much larger fortune, Lemmy's prodigious success with the ladies and equally remarkable facial hair has made this a much closer contest than late polling may have suggested.

The Happening vs. The Movement of Man
From the establishing shot of the chili cheese dog moving inward as seen from Man's (the protagonist so named to reflect the ironic apathy towards the film's subject - as if everyone in the world might someday experience this!) mouth to the final sequence of the excrement moving outward as seen from Man's colon; the technical symmetry of this masterpiece is paralleled only by the director's passion in squeezing every ounce from his actors. My ballot is cast.

TJ's love of YouTube clips vs. Something that would require actual thought and effort
It's a Reagan/Mondale-esque landslide victory for, well, I'm sure you know...



Races the G:TB staff may be covering throughout the day:
Starbucks vs. Dunkin' Donuts, PC vs. Mac, Kobe vs. LeBron, John Candy vs. Chris Farley, Rocco vs. Buttman, boxers vs. briefs...

G:TB's Election Eve Coverage

According to cnn.com, this gentleman is one of the 5 percent of Americans who remain undecided about their choice in tomorrow's Presidential election. Also, this man drives with his blinker on for miles at a time, routinely finds himself trying to pay with cash in the EZPASS ONLY lane at toll plazas, takes 17 minutes to successfully place his order at the Taco Bell drive thru, and talks on his cell phone while waving to his friends when he's sitting behind home plate at televised baseball games.

Note: no candidate endorsement implied by this post. Just pointing out that this guy is a moron.

[Kinda reminds me of this guy:

Know what I mean, Vern?]