Rosy Palmetto

When we last checked in on the good citizens of South Carolina, they were embroiled in your garden variety sexual innuendo-filled, racially inflamed gubernatorial primary. (Alleged) Sex kitten/closet (alleged) Muslim Nikki Haley won that primary, and is poised to become the state's next Governor in November. And thanks to Alvin Greene's unlikely and increasingly bizarre story, her narrative barely registers on the crazy scale.

Greene, a 32 year-old unemployed Army and Air Force veteran with no prior political experience, earned more than 100,000 votes in the Democratic Senatorial primary, defeating four-term state legislator Vic Rawl for the right to be demolished by Republican Jim DeMint. Armed with a campaign warchest of $114, no political operation to speak of, and no clear platform (he didn't give a single speech during the primary campaign), Greene nonetheless went all Chaminade to Rawl's UVA. This seasoned political observer puts no stock in House Majority Whip James Clyburn's (D-SC) claims that Greene was a GOP plant, mostly because I've spent a lot of time in South Carolina, and a goodly portion of those folks really aren't that bright, Mom and Dad notwithstanding. (Though I confess that the idea amuses me greatly, because it fits perfectly in my vision of South Carolina politics as Dukes of Hazzard story arc.)

In an interview last month with The Guardian, Greene put pressure on DeMint with his unique and entirely pragmatic economic plan, based upon mass marketing of action figures in his image. "Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke." Hell, it's at least as plausible as Paul Ryan's economic plan.

Here's where I pause and turn to the camera, Zack Morris-style, to remind you that I'm not making any of this up. This gentleman is, in point of fact, the actual Democratic nominee for the United States Senate in South Carolina.

The story's taken a turn in recent days, as Greene attempted to live up to the high standards set by Congress. According to prosecutors in an indictment released on Friday, Greene allegedly showed pornographic images to a University of South Carolina student. Asked for comment, the candidate told reporters, "I'm on the not-guilty side of things. I have to be. I mean, I mean, I mean. I have no comment, I mean."

Amen to that. South Carolina, you never fail to thrill and amaze. Once again, I'm hunkering down and waiting for what's next. I don't think Mark Leyner could write anything more implausibly entertaining.

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Alvin Greene Wins South Carolina Primary
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