Thursday, August 19, 2010

Rosy Palmetto

When we last checked in on the good citizens of South Carolina, they were embroiled in your garden variety sexual innuendo-filled, racially inflamed gubernatorial primary. (Alleged) Sex kitten/closet (alleged) Muslim Nikki Haley won that primary, and is poised to become the state's next Governor in November. And thanks to Alvin Greene's unlikely and increasingly bizarre story, her narrative barely registers on the crazy scale.

Greene, a 32 year-old unemployed Army and Air Force veteran with no prior political experience, earned more than 100,000 votes in the Democratic Senatorial primary, defeating four-term state legislator Vic Rawl for the right to be demolished by Republican Jim DeMint. Armed with a campaign warchest of $114, no political operation to speak of, and no clear platform (he didn't give a single speech during the primary campaign), Greene nonetheless went all Chaminade to Rawl's UVA. This seasoned political observer puts no stock in House Majority Whip James Clyburn's (D-SC) claims that Greene was a GOP plant, mostly because I've spent a lot of time in South Carolina, and a goodly portion of those folks really aren't that bright, Mom and Dad notwithstanding. (Though I confess that the idea amuses me greatly, because it fits perfectly in my vision of South Carolina politics as Dukes of Hazzard story arc.)

In an interview last month with The Guardian, Greene put pressure on DeMint with his unique and entirely pragmatic economic plan, based upon mass marketing of action figures in his image. "Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke." Hell, it's at least as plausible as Paul Ryan's economic plan.

Here's where I pause and turn to the camera, Zack Morris-style, to remind you that I'm not making any of this up. This gentleman is, in point of fact, the actual Democratic nominee for the United States Senate in South Carolina.

The story's taken a turn in recent days, as Greene attempted to live up to the high standards set by Congress. According to prosecutors in an indictment released on Friday, Greene allegedly showed pornographic images to a University of South Carolina student. Asked for comment, the candidate told reporters, "I'm on the not-guilty side of things. I have to be. I mean, I mean, I mean. I have no comment, I mean."

Amen to that. South Carolina, you never fail to thrill and amaze. Once again, I'm hunkering down and waiting for what's next. I don't think Mark Leyner could write anything more implausibly entertaining.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Alvin Greene Wins South Carolina Primary
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
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23 comments:

Dave said...

nice-- i love SC gubernatorial updates and mark leyner references.

KQ said...

You fellas may already be on top of this, but I'm way too lazy to go back and check.

New GTB theme song?
http://tinyurl.com/yje82k4

zman said...

Geoff didn't take the Paul Ryan bait?

rob said...

that was too obvious to be bait

Dave said...

no comments on the new professional look over at sentence of dave?

my wife hates it and has threatened to stop reading it . . . which might be a good thing, i'll no longer have to censor what i say about her.

T.J. said...

The Teej is scouring the Cape for a Jay Baller card. Who knew baseball card shops still existed?

T.J. said...

Dave, I have yet to visit SoD 2.0, but I think I will find it shallow and pedantic.

Shallow. And pedantic.

Greg said...

Top. Men.

T.J. said...

How many bottles of Dom will Brian MacNamee be going through today?

Dave said...

i think you're supposed to find it shallow and pedantic. I am shallow and pedantic. but in a good way.

Marls said...

Viva? random: puncuation day at G*TB"

Marls said...

It is also crappy spelling day.

rob said...

hey guys! i'm getting pulled over for speeding. this has been an awesome month!

TR said...

Hide your meth, Rob.

Dave said...

be careful not to get an extra ticket for texting.

Dave said...

rob? did you get my message? if you did, comment so i know you got it.

rob said...

on the bright side, roger clemens is going to jail.

T.J. said...

Rob, were you going 6'1" in a 5'4" zone?

zman said...

Rawjuh could be put away for up to 30 years. What's the over/under on his sentence?

It would be odd if he received a longer sentence for lying about taking steroids than, say, Leonard Little or Donte Stallworth received for killing people. Odd but predictable.

T.J. said...

Miguel Tejada pled guilty to perjury, to the Feds. Miguel Tejada will be starting at 3B for the NL West champ Padres when the playoffs begin.

Roger, giant dicknozzle that he is, ain't going to prison. But I bet karma has sumthing in store for him.

T.J. said...

My Cape dinner choices tonite are gonna be limited by moronic Masshole Pats fan watching silly season football, isn't it?

T.J. said...

Rog charged with 15 specific lies...I love it. Good luck pal.

zman said...

It might be time for Percy Harvin to see a neurologist. His migraines seem a bit more severe than just plain old migraines.