Monday, June 14, 2010

Even More Definitive (and Prolix) World Cup Analysis!


After Steven Gerrard blew past Ricardo Clark in the fourth minute, the US soccer team looked to be in BIG trouble, but they quickly regained their composure.  In fact, though England appeared more dangerous in their offensive thrusts, the US team showed that their skill level is on par with the best teams in the world.  In fact, it will only take some minor adjustments to get the team ready for Slovenia.  For example:

You might recall the sequence when North Brunswick native Tim Howard cannily hurled the ball to Carlos Bocanegra, who elegantly brought the ball to his feet, then nonchalantly tapped it back to Oguchi Onyewu, who completed the switch through the back by playing a crisp pass to Steve Cherundolo. Then Cherundolo turned up field and played a perspicacious ball to the side line, where Landon Donovan trapped, attempted to turn, but was repelled and so turned back.  He wisely knocked it back to to Cherundolo and then moved to space.  Cherundolo sagaciously probed the middle with a ball to Michael Bradley and Bradley took several cunning touches before playing a support ball to Onyewu.  Onyewu played a sincere* one touch pass to Jay DeMerit.  Demerit attempted a brazen long ball down the line, but it was knocked out by an assiduous English player.  DeMerit threw the ball in and Clint Dempsey altruistically** knocked it back to him on the one touch.  DeMerit took several crafty touches, then passed it back to Dempsey.  Dempsey touched the ball twice with the inside of his foot, then once with the outside*** then played to Bradley.  Bradley cleverly played the ball back to Dempsey, who had a better view of the field.  Dempsey cogently knocked it back to Cherundolo.  Cherundolo, under pressure from an indignant Rooney, who was frustrated that he had not received the ball in a while, passed it to DeMerit.  DeMerit played an omniscient ball through to Bradley, and then Bradley salaciously dribbled ten yards or so into English territory.  Donovan began emphatically streaking down the wing and Bradley touched the ball three times and then stridently played a long ball to the outside.  Donovan was called off-sides.  I discreetly went to the bathroom. As I returned, I saw Robbie Findley clairvoyantly snag John Terry's pass to Steven Gerrard.  Findley then judiciously knocked the ball wide to Clint Dempsey.  Dempsey courageously passed the ball back to Cherundolo.  Cherundolo decisively knocked it to Onyewu who dictatorially knocked it to Bocanegra.  Bocanegra defiantly knocked it back to Onyewu, and Onyewu bravely knocked it back to Bocanegra. Bocanegra attempted to slip past Frank Lampart but the ball slid out of bounds.****

* It might have been an earnest pass. I can't remember.

** Unless he was expecting the ball back again.  In that case, it was a selfish pass. We'll never know.

***  It might have been twice with the outside and then once with the inside-- I was very drunk.

**** This entire description is suspect.  As I mentioned, I was very drunk.

Do you remember this?  My question is, when Onyewu played the effervescent one touch pass to Bocanegra, why didn't Donovan diligently move forward in space, so that Bradley could have dribbled stochastically instead of rigidly, and then perhaps Donovan could have been a bit less zealous in his run and not been called off-sides, and if Cherundolo had telepathically overlapped, then the US squad would have had numbers and, perhaps-- and this is only hypothetical, of course, but perhaps they would have gotten a shot or at least a cross out of this sequence.  This is the kind of thinking and vocabulary the US team is going to need if it is going to move out of group play and into the knock-out rounds.

26 comments:

Shlara said...

Nice--another photo of Donovan!

zman said...

I too enjoy E. Annie Prolix, although she doesn't write quite like this.

When you said that you discreetly went to the bathroom I initially thought you meant on the side of the bar while sitting on your stool. Otherwise why the need for discretion?

Dave said...

i guess i meant that i slipped off quickly without announcing it, but it does sound like i peed in a cup under the bar . . .

it's probably not a good idea to analyze this post too closely.

Squeaky said...

Is Landon a poor-man's Dave Matthews or is Dave Matthews the poor-man's Landon?

T.J. said...

Work Jerry appeared at the office today with a legit fu manchu. I think clip sums it up best:
http://bit.ly/bdXHh1

zman said...

I thought the same thing about Donovan/DMB. I don't know which is the poorer version of the other though.

Dave said...

reality is funnier than my satire-- the announcer just called a cameroonian pass "rather hopeful."

T.J. said...

Enjoy:
http://www.vuvuzela.fm/

rob said...

all npr, all the time: live concerts available from bonnaroo with she & him, the avett brothers, mumford & sons, lcd soundsystem, tinariwen, dead weather, the flaming lips and lots more.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=127088792

Mark said...

Paraguay is in the building!

Greg said...

The request for spraying subsidies is not Paraguayan as it is, as it were.

Squeaky said...

Nice, Paraguay is ahead at the half.

zman said...

According to ESPN.com "The Texas Longhorns ... are leaning toward staying in a 10-team Big 12 for the foreseeable future." I would not send my child to any university that is 1 of 10 schools that refers to itself as part of the Big 12. Universities should, at a minimum, be run by people who are able to count to 12.

T.J. said...

So, wait...the Big 10 is now the Big 12 and the Big 12 is now the Big 10?

Greg said...

And the Big East has a school from Wisconsin.

Squeaky said...

For those of you who like Mumford & Sons check out Punch Brothers. Their new one is pretty damn good bluegrass.

Dave said...

italy!!!!!!!!

d-train said...

italy ties it.
were these noisemakers present in the '06 cup? extremely annoying

Squeaky said...

d-train. those noisemakers have been used in europe since at least 2000 when I was over there. They are loud as shit and annoying as hell when you are sitting in the stadium. They are plastic stadium horns.

zman said...

Vuvuzela sounds like a cross between Methuselah and part of a lady's delicates. Maybe it's a slang term for a really old lady's delicates? For instance:

TR: Whaddaya think about that cougar over there?
zman: I don't truck with vuvuzela. I leave that to soccer players.

rob said...

paraguay's goalie with a howler. complete balloon pants. maybe there is something to the hullaballoo about the world cup ball's aerodynamic characteristics.

rob said...

lego recreation of the us/england game:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/video/2010/jun/14/world-cup-2010-england-usa-brick

yeah, that's right

T.J. said...

Zman will keep doing Vuvuzela jokes until someone acknowledges him.

This is not acknowledgement.

zman said...

If the World Cup was in Mexico and all those blaring horns caused someone to lose to the Mexican team the headline would be "Vuvuzela's Revenge."

d-train said...

if there were a spanish version of The Kinks, they would write a diddy that would go like this...

she walked up to me and she asked me to dance
i asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said Vuvuzela
V-U-V-U-Z-E-L-A

zman said...

Exactly.