The Thirteen Worst Rock Songs of All Time

Greasetruck has produced yet another single, and I will say this about it: it is better than some rock songs. Specifically, it is better than some of the rock songs on this list.

The first step to artistic satisfaction is to set the bar low. Random Idiots was always pleased when people categorized the noises we made as "Music." And so I set the bar very low with this new song, "On the Range." All I wanted to do was write a better song than "Horse with No Name" by America. "Horse with No Name," originally called "The Desert Song," was inspired by a Salvador Dali painting of a distorted horse in a spartan land; the painting was on the on the wall of Arthur Brown's home studio.

But Arthur Brown resided in Puddletown, Dorset, on the Piddle river . . . in England-- which is about as far from desert terrain as can be imagined. Perhaps America should have written a song about elves or faeries or gnomes . . . or pubs.


And though the song has some of the most uninspired and obtusely imagined lyrics in rock history ("The heat was hot", "There were plants, and birds, and rocks, and things") I will admit that it was genius to change the name from the extremely literal "The Desert Song" to the trippier "Horse with No Name," as this opened the door to symbolic misinterpretation and ambiguity.

Here are some alternate perspectives I found on the internet: one guy claims that the song was about the band getting stoned, getting naked and then entering a restaurant and attempting (unsuccessfully) to get served. Although I have found no corroboration for this, I have reproduced it here because I find this theory hysterical and totally unsubstantiated. But if this is the case, why not actually write the song about THAT? That would be an entertaining song. Others claim that the nameless horse is actually "heroin."

My song takes place on a "range," and like America, I recorded my song nowhere near such a landscape. I'm not even exactly sure what a range is. And my journey starts in my kitchen, so again, like "Horse with No name," there might be multiple meanings to my lyrics. Also, my song is mainly two chords, which is true for "Horse with No Name," as well. I believe my song is better, but only you can judge this. To help you like my song more, I have included a list of incredibly bad rock songs. If you don't like my song, simply read the list and think about these songs. Then click on the SoundClick widget and listen again. This activity will make you like my song more, because you will subconsciously (or even better, consciously!) compare my song to these songs, and you will start to realize how much better my song is. I have included the lyrics to my song at the end of the post, but if you can't remember the words to some of these other gems, you'll have to Google them.

Now playing: Greasetruck

Now, I should warn you: these songs are awful. They are all much worse than "Brown Eyed Girl." If you skim down the list and realize that you LIKE these songs, then understand that your taste is skewed and you should never give musical recommendations to anyone (except other who like the songs on this list) and perhaps you shouldn't be allowed to listen to music, unless it's on headphones, so that others don't have to listen to what you are listening to.

1. Aqualung by Jethro Tull. A grating riff. Lyrics that wander between gross imagery and lame poetry, including lines like, "Watching as the frilly panties run." A mixture of heavy metal distortion and flute. A guy who stands on one leg and nestles his other foot into his crotch. Enough said.

2. Summer of '69 by Bryan Adams. Who calls a guitar a "six string"? I hope the best days of your life were not spent with this song playing in the background.

3. Rock and Roll Fantasy by Bad Company. Yes, you have achieved your dream as a rock star, but are you so unimaginative that your rock and roll fantasy is pretty much a rock concert? Which is your job, which you probably do a hundred times a year. The jesters make it sound surreal for a moment, but they only get one line. And after recounting such a mundane fantasy, do you need to repeat what it is so much? Bad meta is the worst.

4. Jukebox Hero by Foreigner. So many bad Foreigner songs to choose from. Pretty much the same problem as "Rock and Roll Fantasy," only even more annoying because Lou Gramm is singing.

5. Abracadabra by Steve Miller. "I want to reach out and grab ya." If the song is about magic, then why does the narrator need to grope the "angel" in "black panties"? It was tough to choose just one awful Steve Miller song, as he did rhyme "superstitious" and "suspicious," and then, in Homer-esque fashion, "suspicious" and "suspicious" in the godawful "Rock'n Me," and he rhymed "El Paso" and "hassle," and "Texas" and "facts is," in "Take the Money and Run," but "Abracadabra" sucks on a higher plane than those other trite songs.

6. SSSSuuusssuuduiooiisssuuuuusu by Phil Collins. That's the string of letters I had to Google to find the lyrics to "Sussudio." There is only one way to do justice to how bad this song is:

There's this girl that's been on my mind
All the time, Sussudio oh oh
Now she don't even know my name
But I think she likes me just the same
Sussudio oh oh

Oh if she called me I'd be there
I'd come running anywhere
She's all I need, all my life
I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio, just say the word
Oh Sussudio

Now I know that I'm too young
My love has just begun
Sussudio oh oh
Ooh give me a chance, give me a sign
I'll show her anytime
Sussudio oh oh

7. A Day in the Life by The Beatles. Just testing you. This song is good.

8. Kashmir by Led Zeppelin. Obtuse lyrics about an exotic land. A minor gypsy scale with a chromatic progression. Led Zeppelin. It all sounds good until you press play. I would rather listen to Ozzy Osbourne chewing off the head of a bat than this pretentiously monotonous dirge.

9. Saturday in the Park by Chicago. This is just a visceral hatred. I don't know why, but I think that I might even dislike the people who like this song.

11. Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard. It seems like the narrator is getting some kind of bodily fluid poured all over him. Possibly his own ejaculation. Plus, it's got really annoying drums and chorus.

12. Kiss on my List by Hall and Oates. "Out of Touch" is also really really bad. Do you need a song to get either of these sentiments across? They seem too trivial for the medium. It's sad that more of their songs weren't like "Rich Girl," which is the best eighties tune that was actually released in the seventies. Great song.

13. On the Range by Greasetruck. Pretty bad, but the lyrics are slightly better tan "Horse with No Name." Here they are. You be the judge.

On the range . . .
I saw something strange.

There was a burning ring of fire and a pot of boiling sauce,
smoke and charcoal filled the air, I knew that all was lost.
I gasped, I clawed, I sucked and then my face fell toward the food.

I hit my head on the floor, and I finally understood--
sparks flew from the Heavens and burned above the swaying grass,
my horse spit out his stirrup, turned and gave a violent laugh--

there was a cavern full of darkness and a lady with no clothes,
a clown atop a burro with a yellow bulbous nose.
Three men were eating sausage from a rusty metal tin,
while jackals gnawed on rotted meat spilled from a garbage bin.

I smelled sadness and desire and a perfumed pack of whores.

I saw sixteen red faced devils round a fire roasting s'mores.
My dog stood on his hind legs and he pointed at the moon,
he said "now the tide is low, but waxing will come soon."

Then he ran into the blackness and I heard a low pitched growl,

and he came back walking proudly-- in his mouth there was a trowel.
He was followed by a mason wearing white from head to foot,
layered with wet plaster speckled with a blackish soot.

"I buried Tutankhamen," said the mason, then he fell,

and the ground cracked wide open and a fire sprang from Hell.
My horse it bucked, I flew, I knew it was the end,
but a chicken grabbed me with his beak and said to me, "My friend,

you have been just shy of madness, you have been inside the maze,
you have seen the darkness lit up, you have wandered through the haze,
you have climbed atop the mountain, you have seen the pickerel crawl,
you have talked to thorny cactus, you have heard the lizard's call

and now to end your journey, I'll reveal one final thing
to give your life some meaning, make your journey form a ring
several rules to live by and a final word of truth,
something you can chew on with your single gold capped tooth.

So listen like a child, like a hunter with a bow,
listen while I tell you, I will tell you very slow--
when you think that you are thinking, when you thought that you have thinked
when you pluck your ukulele, did you pluck the note you plinked?

when you touch upon an angel do you feel her gauzy wings
when you ride on through the desert, is the desert full of things
or are things what we make them-- is the desert full of sand?
Is the reason we have touching the same reason we have hands?

If I sound like Lewis Carroll," said the chicken, "then I am."

And he dropped me like a Muslim drops a slice of fatty ham,
and I fell upon my horse and this waked him from his dream
and he looked at me and said, "Now is the time when we should scream."

But I was just a cashew in a bowl at a saloon
and if you hadn't waked me, then very very soon
a hungry gap toothed hooker would have put me in her mouth
and riding her saliva, I would have headed south.

and then my horse he he whinnied, he broke my grip and rode
and I saw my house a'burning and red truck in the road.

I saw something strange.