Friday, May 08, 2009

Know Your Minor League Mascot

Seems the G:TB community is searching (vainly, perhaps) for a little perspective today. Manny's a cheater. Obama's firing gays from the military. Brett Favre isn't actually holding our sports media hostage yet again (for now). Where to go for a little old-fashioned simplicity, a reminder that the game is what matters?

If you can't join the Amish, and you're willing to ignore the fact that most of the players are probably using HgH, I think you'll find the answer at your local minor league ballyard. In today's Know Your Minor League Mascot, we travel to Harry Grove Stadium, home of my local team.

Team: Frederick Keys
League: Carolina (A)
Affiliation: Baltimore Orioles
Mascot: Keyote

Self-Absorbed East Coast Elitist Commentary: I assume the Keys are named for Francis Scott, a man so far ahead of his time that he wrote a song to be played at baseball games well before baseball had been invented. Unfortunately, he also came up with the idea for Keyote, which is a bit of a stretch nomenclaturaly. (Look it up, Scrabble-boy.) Key couldn't hit a lick, but he knew special when he saw it, so I'm quite certain he'd have been impressed by Matt Wieters, the Orioles' can't-miss catching prospect. I saw Wieters play in Frederick last summer, and while I'm sure he's as good as his press clippings suggest, I can't actually vouch for his game as I spent the entire 9 innings chasing one ballpark food item after another in service of my daughters' whims. Spoiled little...

Gheorgheness Quotient: 51/77. We like the unique name and the small-town feel of Harry Grove Stadium. We don't like the fact that the Keys are in any way related to Peter Angelos. I'd like to give that bastard some perspective.

62 comments:

TJ said...

"And the rockets...red glare! Bunch of bombs...in the air!"

rob said...

for the record, mustard is the only acceptable condiment on hamburgers.

TJ said...

You're an idiot.

TJ said...

Just cause...it's been a few weeks:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21OH0wlkfbc

rob said...

i'm taking food-related criticism from someone who considers ketchup a food group?

TJ said...

You're the midget putting mustard on a hamburger.

rob said...

dijon mustard, at that.

Mark said...

Mustard's fine on a burger, but there are many other acceptable condiments, you jackass.

And I was offered a job with the Frederick Keys many years ago. I'm even happier that I didn't accept now that I know what the fanbase is like...

rob said...

senses of humor appear to be in short supply in god's waiting room.

rob said...

of course, inside the beltway bullshit is also likely in short supply in markworld.

rob said...

markworld, where the grass is always green and budded, and baseball is played 5-a-side with baskets.

Whitney said...

Wait, do lettuce and tomato count as condiments? How about chili? Or pork barbecue?

rob said...

lettuce, tomato, chili, pork barbecue, jalapenos, onions, etc. are all accountrements. subtle distinction.

rob said...

or accoutrements. either way.

Whitney said...

Use a big word . . . misspell it . . . dammit!

Whitney said...

Rob, so I think the point of your original mustard comment was just to say that ketchup (as well as catsup) has no place on a hamburger, and you said it just to get a rise out of Teej. Nice.

rob said...

also, there's been a minor political conflagration here in deecee after obama went to ray's hellburger and ordered mustard on his burger. certain parts of the wingnut right went batshit, about this creeping limpwristedness, despite the fact that a majority of americans (and more than 73% of republicans - no lie, there was an actual survey of this topic) prefer mustard to ketchup on burgers. it speaks to the quality of political discourse here in the nation's capital.

rob said...

but the teejay part was a nice and anticipated side benefit.

TJ said...

"Ketchup Only", bitches.

Whitney said...

Wait . . . so mustard is gay? It's spicier than ketchup! Ketchup is made from sugar, it's sweet and soft and faggy. Mustard is spicy, sometimes extremely so. It's for men, not boys. If there is a limp-wristed condiment, by God it's ketchup. And if you call it "catsup," you give license to anyone in the place to mash your burger into your face, up your nose, and into your eyes.

rob said...

go tell it to laura ingraham, whit. and bring your arugula, you nancy.

zoltan said...

I put mayo on my hamburgers. A thin layer on each bun. It keeps the grease from leaking through the bun.

Whitney said...

So it's not a condiment but a sealant?

Whitney said...

Can you imagine Winston Churchill or Abe Lincoln or Queen Elizabeth I or even Millard Fillmore being judged as a good or bad leader by what they put on their sandwich? The world has grown very nitpicky and I've noticed that many Americans, if you listen to them long enough, sound a little bit retarded or mildly brain damaged.

I'd like to see what would have happened to a figure in the press who insinuated that Joseph Stalin was something of an impotent leader because of an ingredient in his borscht.

zoltan said...

What if Obama took hcg to swell his loins?

Mark said...

I saw Obama ordering that burger but I didn't really see what the big deal was, other than CNN spending 5 minutes of live coverage on it.

And I prefer mustard, ketchup (never catsup) and mayo on my burger.
Just mustard and onions on my hot dog.

Mark said...

And would prefer that the Magic win tonight. Time for Howard and/or Lewis to step up alter Boston's defensive gameplan tonight.

rob said...

ovechkin a bit dirrrty on gonchar.

rob said...

celtics look like green traffic cones on defense.

rob said...

nifty goal for fuckface crosby. caps are reeling.

TJ said...

Eddie House. En fuego.

rob said...

thought pittsburgh was a tough town. penguins sure are a whiny bunch.

Mark said...

I'm going to end up stabbing Eddie House in his fucking neck. 13-15 from 3? really?

And yes, the second half collapse is quite perdictable. It was gonna happen. It always happens.

rob said...

not varlamov's best game.

rob said...

are you shitting me with turkoglu's step-back 3?

TR said...

CC and his 42 inch waist got it done in a big way tonight. You have to see the giant pants he was wearing. They were like giant Oompa Loompa pants, but they somehow gave him a wedgie the size of the Grand Canyon. Red hot.

rob said...

david feherty, perhaps in need of a brain/mouth filter.

Mark said...

Between the late starts and the scheduling (Friday night and Mother's Day) not enough people are going to watch this Rockets-Lakers series. It's full of great individual matchups, physical play and it all comes from two teams with deep benches.

Whitney said...

Chuck Daly died. A lot of guys didn't like his Bad Boys teams (Bill Laimbeer seemed to particularly get under people's skin), but I always liked them, mostly because I didn't like the Celtics or the Lakers. They were thought of as Isiah's team, but the Worm, the Microwave, Joe Duuuuumars, and Hampton U's Rick Mahorn were just as fun to watch.

Greg said...

When I go to Five Guys, it's always a bacon cheeseburger with fried onions, fried mushrooms and BBQ sauce.

Mark said...

Greg's not an American, so nobody really cares how he likes his hamburgers.

And, I too liked Chuck Daly. People always think of his Pistons teams when his name is mentioned, and rightfully so, but he put together some good runs with the Nets (a lot of potential on that team...DC, Kenny Anderson and Petrovic, it all kind of fell apart once Drazen died) and Magic (good but very short lived). He was a fantastic basketball coach who has kind of fallen through the historical cracks due to the successes of peers like Phil Jackson and Pat Riley. Pour out a little for Chuck D. tonight...

zoltan said...

Didn't Daly coach one of the Olympic dream teams?

Whitney said...

He coached THE Dream Team. As the story goes, the team was friggin good, Daly never called a single time-out during the '92 Olympics. Look at this team:

Magic Johnson
Larry Bird
Michael Jordan
Clyde Drexler
David Robinson
Patrick Ewing
Scottie Pippen
Karl Malone
John Stockton
Chris Mullin
Charles Barkley
a felchy loser from Duke

Not bad.

rob said...

teejay reporting live from camden yards, somehow without gtb access, 'it's so pro-yankee here that a-rod just got cheered during bp. that guy is so dreamy.'

Mark said...

I had no idea this "Dream Team" was so loaded. Good thing we have Whitney here to provide us with some historical perspective...

rob said...

teejay predicts 4 lefty homers due to the camden yards wind, claims to shit bigger than damon, and drops a tree rollins reference.

rob said...

love the wendy's spicy chicken sandwich. teejay's nonplussed about the yankees' start.

rob said...

'4th inning, 9-0 orioles - more fights about to break out than at a danzig concert' - teej. nice danzig drop.

mayhugh said...

who is taller - Rob or Glenn Danzig?

rob said...

worse hair, craig laughlin or brian engblom? and i tower over that midget danzig.

rob said...

4th homer to left in balked. teejay is a savant.

rob said...

make that right.

rob said...

jesus, and make that baltimore.

caps deserve to lose. and will.

rob said...

huge, and beautiful goal for the caps. i so obviously know shit about hockey.

mayhugh said...

I smell a goal by the bitch Crosby to break the Caps here.

TJ said...

Well hello internet access...Jonathan Abalamdingdon, spanish for "three runs"...

TJ said...

Can I get a Caps score pls?

rob said...

3-3 overtime. pens on power play.

rob said...

oh, dagger loss. own goal against the caps.

rob said...

yao out for playoffs. ouch.

mayhugh said...

For the boxing fans there was a fairly entertaining bout last night between Chad Dawson (coming in at an inflated 27-0, 17 KO) and the 40 year old Antonio Tarver (who still looks 25).

My impressions of Dawson, who I've watched only a few times, is that he is a solid, if unspectacular fighter, who is probably not worth keeping on your radar. He is a very shifty defender, effectively using mostly head and body movement (rather than his gloves/arms) to avoid punches and he puts good combinations together; he is powerful but not overwhelmingly so. He's a fairly busy fighter if you look at his output overall, but he takes minutes and rounds off fairly regularly so that his punch outbursts are a bit less inspiring/satisfying.

The present environment of boxing requires a boxer to fight the best available guy, within a rather broad spectrum of weight classes, to obtain/maintain his relevance. Dawson, at light heavyweight, will be challenged in this area because 1) there are not many noteworthy LHW's to fight and 2)his style as presently constructed, is not going to allow him to move up and down in weight. He doesn't have enough power to contend with true heavyweights/cruiserweights, and I suspect his defensive style and head movement would be much more hittable at lower weights where guys are faster.

And I would listen to Max Kellerman call a fight between two fifth graders.

USpace said...

.
The Left is just keeping this 'Mustard story' alive, the Right had a chuckle and moved on. There are many much more important things to criticize this administration about. The Left doesn't want people focusing on the big stuff, because that's where it's most dangerous to them. The Truth will bring them down, God willing.
.
absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
deify your dear leaders

they are supernatural
with magical qualities

.
absurd thought -
God of the Universe says
don't protest tax increases

or support states' rights
YOU RIGHT-WING EXTREMIST
.