Monday, May 18, 2009

Breaking News: G:TB Circles Back, Finishes Bit.

"Geraldo Parra became the 100th player in major league history to homer in his first at-bat Wednesday, May 13th against the Reds."

Congratulations Geraldo! May you make it to heaven a half an hour before the devil knows you're dead...

And for an exclusive look at the now-famous slugger (who's actual name, Rotoworld editing department, is Gerardo Parra - "It's Ronald, not Donald."), a G:TB mole leaked our new hero's stock photo to us to share with our readers before he became yet another household image gracing the tops of ottomans and coffee tables everywhere. Right next to that skank, Kate, from "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" - what a skanky skank she is. While you weren't on our short list of prospects to accomplish this feat, we salute you nonetheless.

**You'd actually be surprised how many guys look like Gerardo Parra at first glance on Rotoworld.com. But, if you look carefully, you can see the subtle distinguishing features. Arizona was obviously wearing their throw-back "Rattlers" uniforms on picture day. So, don't let the "R" on his cap throw you off.

43 comments:

Geoff said...

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4175216

Sad story with an interesting W&M related twist. Sean McDermott is the acting defensive coordinator of the Eagles.

TJ said...

Isn't that Madonna from Dick Tracy?

TJ said...

I think the Twins are reallllly ready to leave the Bronx...

TJ said...

So....this new moviefilm "The Hangover"...Bachelor Party meets Swingers meets "Smoking Aces"? (And yes I've seen Smoking Aces)

TJ said...

Hold on. Whitney and his too many posts in a row nonsense can suck it.

Orel Hershiser just told us the Twins are gonna "keep playing baseball the way baseball is meant to be played."

Seriously Orel? How the fuck else should they play? Maybe try to grind it out on the first two downs and go play action on third? Dump and chase? Shitty soccer analogy I don't know?

zoltan said...

Maybe he means that they aren't going to do a cycle during the 7th inning stretch?

Whitney said...

He could mean hustling out every routine grounder or pop-up, laying out for every flair and bloop, putting the head down and hustling around the bases after homering instead of showboating, worrying more about moving the runner over and helping the team win rather than being concerned with individual stats, and winning without performance-enhancing drugs.

I recognize that as a Yankee fan, this might not resonate with you much.

Whitney said...

Good to see that Sleestaks are back on my television after I had safely eradicated them from my boyhood nightmares for 30 years. Crap. I hate them.

And Bill Laimbeer was a Sleestak in the TV show. You probably knew this, I know.

rob said...

zing!

meanwhile, in natstown, the pirates/nationals contest has drawn at least 1763 fans. and ross detwiler's defense cost him a pretty decent start. it's bordering on malpractice what the lerners are doing.

zoltan said...

Whit's auditioning for Bull Durham II.

Whitney said...

I'll be playing the older, fatter, washed-up, 38-year-old version of Nuke LaLoosh. Now it's Nuke's turn to groom the young upstart, except that he never really retained all of the lessons that Crash taught him, so he has to call up Crash and bring him around to re-educate him. In theaters next summer.

TJ said...

Someone help me out here...Whitney is a Mets fan, right? Just making sure before I question every silly word he types.

Mark said...

Orel Hershisher, #1 on my Most Hated list.

TJ said...

Wow.

Not Frederic Weis?

Whitney said...

Don't question the Laimbeer sleestak thing, Teej. It's true!

TJ said...

Dammit...I meant the eurotrash guy Fran Vasquez, but Big Tex went yard and I got confused...

rob said...

big tex? that's nearly as gay as mark thinks geoff is.

TJ said...

Oh, I'm sorry midget, is your big papi not doing it for you? Maybe you should cowboy up and zip it.

Mark said...

Fran Vasquez is even my most hated euro player. Christian Drejer has that honor by a pretty wide margin.

TJ said...

I still hate that Deron Scheffer guy from UConn.

rob said...

there's no place for that kind of rabid anti-semitism here at g:tb, teej.

TJ said...

Rob, you bore (yet irritate) me more than Dane Cook.

TJ said...

Well, you're off the hook tiny, Berman just made a (phil) coke zero joke...

zoltan said...

Where's the hate for Tony Parker?

TJ said...

(Hand raised)

rob said...

nats bullpen, 3 2/3 ip, 7 hits, 4 bb, 7 er (so far). nats defense, 4 errors. sweet fucking jesus.

rob said...

i'm sorry - make that 8 hits and 9 er. but they did get another out.

TJ said...

They're very good rob. Leave them alone.

TJ said...

Work Jerry just explained to me that the Avalanche want to hire Patrick Roy as coach, but one hitch...their current coach has two yrs left on his deal.

Gotta luv the job security of NHL coaches.

TJ said...

Whoa whoa whoa...I love the defensive work of Big Tex, but will he really save 30 runs this year? Bill James and/or Rob Neyer, a little help here?

Whitney said...

Tim Redding looks like he'd be right at home back with the Nationals. He's not . . . he's not good. And Ramon Castro is built like a brick shithouse yet is deathly afraid of blocking the plate. Nice.

zoltan said...

References to brick shithouses always crack me up. I've never seen a brick shithouse, but the idea behind the metaphor is clear.

Whitney said...

So AT&T takes my favorite tagline in modern advertising ("more bars in more places") and felches it up with that pussy commercial with the guy sending "hi from ___" pictures to her phone while the uber-gay song whispers in the background. What a waste of a good slogan.

TJ said...

Dennis will be happy to hear you now hate ATandT

Whitney said...

"Hate" is an awfully strong word for my feelings about AT&T. I just think they blew it (to be said like De Niro in CopLand).

zoltan said...

I predict that TO will hate everything about Buffalo - both the city and the team - by week 5.

Whitney said...

Ramon Castro's reaction to a ball in the dirt: "Yikes! Get out of the way of that!"

Jerry said...

NYC has an Australian chick doing anti-smoking commercials now? This strikes me as odd. Did they run out of guys with throat holes?

Jerry said...

Remembering why I like watching baseball....hearing the announcers rave about the quality of Mickey Mantle's signature.

Whitney said...

That's funny. I looked up Mantle's signature on Google Images based on that conversation. Pretty cool.

Jerry said...

Me too. Somebody is trying to sell a business card from his restaurant for $50.

I ate there one time when I was a kid. I remember 2 things, I had a really good hamburger and my dad told me that nice restaurants hire good looking waitresses.

Whitney said...

This KGB website is reliant on the masses not knowing how to Google.

Whitney said...

Luis Castillo reverting to 2008 form very rapidly of late.