People like to debate greatness. Greatest boxer of all time, greatest basketball player of all time, golf, tennis, and so on. The same names come up over and over. I think people strangely forget about Kareem (dominated at all levels, 5 rings, 6 MVPs, most professional points ever) and Americans don't care about Formula 1 or Lewis Hamilton (most titles (7), most wins (98), most pole positions (100), most podium finishes (171)). The Federer/Nadal/Djokovic debate carries on but everyone forgets about Rod Laver. Someday I'll remedy that with a post. But not today.
Instead, I'm here to sing the glory of fat men and their gluttony. Joey Chestnut won his 14th Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4th taking down 76 hot dogs and buns (or "HDB" as the cognoscenti say) in 10 minutes. That's one HDB every 7.89 seconds. Insane.
Even more insane are his statistics. Click on that link and tell me it doesn't make you gag. Here are a few of my favorites:
- 30 8-oz Gyros 10 Minutes
- 12 lbs 8.75 oz Deep Fried Asparagus Spears 10 minutes
- 81 4oz Mutton Sandwiches 10 minutes
- 165 Pierogi 8 minutes
- 141 Hard Boiled Eggs 8 Minutes
What Chestnut does is as physically difficult, and possibly harmful, as almost anything any other athlete tries to do. He even eats in hail storms.
I won't embed his record-setting gyro performance because it's painful to watch but here's the link. He's in second place behind Matt Stonie (a badass in his own right who only weighs 130 pounds?!) for much of the competition but he kicks it into a higher gear around the 10 minute mark of the video. It's stunning. Also stunning: two young women finished in the top six with 13.6 and 18 gyros.
I realize this is wildly different from traditional sports but you have to agree that it's much more physically taxing than darts or bowling or curling or archery. And yet no one mentions Chestnut when discussing great athletes.
It wasn't always this way. Fat men were celebrated 100 years ago. Perhaps the best thing I've read online this year was a New York Times article from 1885 describing a baseball game between the Brooklyn Fat Men's Club and the Fat Men's Club of Flushing. Click on the little "CONTINUE READING: PDF" link on the left to see it larger. Here are a few of my favorite gems if you're too lazy to click around:
They were all baseball men of the days of the Mutuals and Eckfords, since grown obese on beer and politics, but they were a lusty set of athletes, and they declared that they could run their own bases and only wanted two small boys to assist the catcher.
His general appearance, which he claimed was the result of good nature pure and simple, was that of the man in the moon in the gibbous state.
A full-blown Dickens's fat boy rested indolently on third base.
The Brooklynites were highly indignant and so were the spectators, and their rage was with difficulty modified by frequent potations of the amber flood, but the great match of the season was postponed.
What bombast! There were other Fat Men's clubs too, like the New England Fat Men's Club. I think Vince Wilfork was a member. There was a Connecticut Fat Men's Club and a guy named Philetus Dorlon was its President in 1884. He was really really fat. I know this because in 1884 the New York Times wrote:
Philetus Dorlon would not be happy without clams, and no self-respecting clam swims to the bottom of the [Long Island] Sound that would not die happy and sing triumphantly while he steamed his young life away if he knew he were to be sepulchered in Philetus Dorlon .... Mr. Dorlon is huge, he is ponderous, his obesity borders on the infinite; and the most hardened lean man cannot gaze upon his magnificent proportions without being unconsciously made purer and holier.
Magnificent prose. Texas had a Fat Men's Club too, of course. "The clubs’ purpose? According to an address by the president of the budding Fat Men’s Association of Texas, W.A, Disborough, the goal was 'to draw the fat men into closer fraternal relations.'" A frat for fat guys, or fat guy frat guys, if you will.
Gluttons were feted all over the country. The Mineola Monitor ran an op-ed in 1899 about why women should like fat men: "It may be observed, without intentional offence [sic] to any young lady who might be enamored of some skeleton-like young man that, as a rule, fat men, besides being the most jolly and convivial of the male species, are also apt to be the most considerate of and charitable to others .... The fact still remains that seven out of ten fat men make excellent husbands."
The German Fat Men's Club made friends with the New York Fat Men's Club and then they shared a clambake. Five thousand people attended fat men's footraces. Fat men held eating contests emceed by the man I assume founded White Manna. Many police were fat men--some things will never change. Fat men were lauded for being honest, good surety risks, and graceful dancers. The turn of the 20th century was peak phatness for fatness.
It wasn't all fun and games though, as you can see from this blurb in the Brownwood Bulletin in 1909:
The point of this rant? Every once in a while you need to indulge your inner glutton. It will make you happy and jolly and generally fun to be around. Whether you are preparing to hunker down in a surf shack with 15-20 other guys to suck down caseloads of yellow beer with platefuls of conch fritters and coco loco chicken, or just looking forward to pizza night with a dozen buffalo wings, I encourage you to go forth and eat. With gusto.
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17 comments:
Timely post, Z. Thanks for the green light - I was thinking of practicing moderation this weekend.
Disappointed that my strong showing in the 1993 Tri Delt Decathlon pie eating contest went unmentioned. I smoked the competition, including the fat Kappa Sig, whose pledge brothers were heckling me while I crushed it.
I feel like that's your story to tell, if I may paraphrase Biggie. It was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen.
I remember TR's outing at the cannoli eating contest in vivid detail. He declined my offer of post-competition beers.
In 6 minutes, I ate 9 cannoli. Kinda fratty, I guess. The winner ate 21.
But for those 6 minutes, I was belly-to-belly with some of the most famous competitive eaters of the early aughts - Ed “Cookie” Jarvis, Greg “Badlands” Booker, “Crazy Legs” Conte and others.
My picture made it into New York Newsday. I need to find that microfiche.
My daughter didn’t get a proper birthday party in January so we did something small with the family and promised to do something bigger for her “half birthday”. That happens this weekend. So, I have four 9year old girls at my house tonight and many, many more coming over tomorrow to frolic in a large, water slide bounce house contraption. Pray for me, friends.
On a similar note, my wife promised my 11 y/o a "going away" birthday party at our pool club next week. In her typical way, she started worrying about not inviting kids that are members there, making them feel left out.
I explained this was not an issue b/c: 1) our son is not friends w/ every kid in his great, 2) inviting every kid his grade at the pool club is not feasible, and 3) we are leaving in ten days so who gives a fuck if a mom gets bent out of shape.
She decided to start inviting every kid, as long as she knows the mom (and she knows almost all the moms) We're up to 30 kids. My kid doesn't like it and I don't like it. Super excited to spend $300+ on this! Even more extra pizza to give away and/or throw out.
R.I.P. Biz Markie.
Sad
R.I.P. Gheorghe: The Blog
Tuned into the game during an interview with who I guessed was the Bucks equipment manager, but I guess he's the coach?
Larry Costello get any shout outs yet during this series?
gheorghies!
Last night’s Finals game was epic. I’m guessing most of you didn’t watch it. Probably a combination of OBFT and many of you not being huge NBA fans. I had a friend in town so I wasn’t actively commenting on it in this space but it was a truly great game full of shot making, huge runs and ultimately a finishing sequence that will go down in Finals history. I’m a huge basketball dork but I’m now hoping the Suns can find a way to win in Milwaukee to force a Game 7.
Speaking of being a basketball dork, the end of the Wichita State-Creighton TBT game was terrific.
we watched it at obft. there are a number of factors mitigating against our full recollection. but it was fun.
As I recall, there was some very astute analysis being made at our obft watch party.
as some of the team knows, i had $10 on louis oosthuizen at 30-1, and being in north carolina made it impossible for me to cash out before the 4th round started. slightly bad beat.
Yankee rookie OF Ryan LaMarre hit his first HR a couple minutes ago. ESPN announcer Matt Vasgersian dropped a “little old me Lamar” line, which is the first Revenge of the Nerds line I remember ever hearing during a sports event. Not sure if Ian Eagle ever said “Jeez Betty, you’re like a goat.”
That movie has not aged well, but I respect Matt V for the reference.
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