Life has been challenging in the last week, since my 8 y/o broke his leg. He will have a cast above his knee for four weeks. That means he needs help to move around, to get to a table to eat, to pee, to poop, to sleep, etc. It's not as dire as Lalin from Carlito's Way, but it sucks for sure.
So what does this have to do with my urethra? Well, I've been waging an epic battle with the sub-contractor used by the third-party service Cigna uses for durable medical goods. Read that again. That is an accurate assessment of the convoluted process I am involved with to get a one-month wheelchair rental for my kid. It has involved several lengthy phone calls where I am on hold for long stretches at a time. One of these times was Friday. I was pacing around in my bedroom on hold, when I realized I could hold in the golden stream no longer. Since I had been on hold for several minutes already, I thought I would have another 20-second window to let it go. I started to relieve myself and then, of course, Nikita from Apria Healthcare came back on the line. At this point, I had several options: 1) continue whizzing away as normal, knowing she would hear and likely understand what was happening, 2) continue whizzing, but aim for the porcelain edges, in an attempt to minimize volume, or 3) pinch and think about it. I chose Option 3. Option 2 would have been the best bet, but I needed Nikita to handle business for me. I did not want to be the guy filling her earhole with the sound of a vociferous urine stream. Turns out Option 3 was a poor decision. It immediately began hurting a lot. I had to unpinch and resume purging. It was messy, kinda painful and still pretty loud. And this was while I was escalating my anger that they were still processing the order and claiming it could take 3-5 business days to fully process.
It now hurts when I pee. No blood or anything, just a little pain that reminds me I am a moron, and that I should not mess with my fossa navicularis ever again.
Happy New Year, and I’m sorry about your penis T.R. Good on you though, doing your thing hangover free today.
I cannot make the same claim. My drink last night was bourbon and ginger. Bulleit and and Spectacular Ginger Ale preceded by our traditional bottle of NYE bottle of vino. My doubts were real...they actually named it Spectacular Ginger Ale? Let me tell you folks, the name is deserving. Big difference I say. The hangover....spectacular at first wake, diminishing with the coffee.
Sorry to hear you broke your junk. Maybe Cigna will cover some form of massage therapy for your injury?
More importantly, the Bills are in the playoffs for the first time since Bill Clinton was president. 2017 was not my favorite year ever but perhaps this borderline miracle should be cause for enthusiasm and optimism going into 2018. Interestingly, Clinton was impeached shortly before the Bills' last playoff appearance and was acquitted shortly thereafter. I'll take a little history repeating even if it means a Bills loss.
You mean the Doug Marrone/Marcell Dareus revenge game? The We-Must-Avenge-Jim-Kelly's-Only-Home-Playoff-Loss game?
Danimal I very much would like to come down to NoFlo next week but let me think about how to explain it to zowoman. "I'm going away for the weekend to meet up with a guy I met on the internet. No, it isn't like that. Well, no, I've never met him in person before but he's a great guy. No, it reallly isn't like that. He's one of the Gheorghe guys. No, not the one with the smelly farts, although I've never met him before so maybe he farts a lot too. Seriously, this is just for a Bills game. No, we did not meet on Grindr."
That hurts Andrew. That hurts. My conversation with my wife would go like this: Honey....guess who is coming to visit us this weekend? He is coming down to see his team, the Buffalo Bills play the Jags in the playoff game? Wife: omg....the Bills? Danimal, the ONLY Bills fan you know is The Zman! Me: Right? Wife: Are you cereal? Me: Fer real girl. Wife: Awesome!
That potential conversation Zman detailed is very similar to the one my wife had with my mother in law when she was explaining why I was going to DC for the Teej wedding.
The biggest downside (for me) of my wife having a NYE birthday is that we always have dinner at her parents house in New Year’s Day. I’d really rather be eating chicken wings at my house watching the Rose Bowl.
I need to get the healthy train back on the rails, and have decided to go dry in January. I am only 17 hours into the month, but am already regretting that decision.
You and me both pal...plan is to go to the 3rd week of Jan (pga show, which just isn't going to happen). I have a work trip this week in which the client has already asked if I'll have time for a libation. Was just discussing this with my wife, stating I'll need to make the exception. She asked why - will he not like you any more if you don't drink? The answer is, probably not.
It’s funny and predictable that there as many Shaquille’s running around as there are these days. That we have a number of Anfernees out there is just fucking amazing.
Z - 9.5 point underdogs next week are the Bills. Big #. If I were a neutral observer, I would put some dollah dollah bills on the....er, uh....bills. Might even take the proverbial flyer on the outright win. You heard it here first. For more synicism, pessimism, and the like, visit danimal.com (or rather, a picture of a bird)
I guess I should retract my OKLA prediction now. Tough day for Rob at the sports book heh buddy? Keep your head up. One of my resolutions is to over-comment here. Any other resolutions out there?
I can see the Bills winning outright. Both teams have few players with significant playoff experience, neither coach has any head coaching playoff experience, Jacksonville isn't a particularly tough place to play, the weather won't be a factor unless it's cold which cuts in favor of the Bills, and Blake Bortles will play QB for the Jaguars.
I suppose I could turn this into a post but that's too much for anyone to read.
Posts
Happy New Year, and I’m sorry about your penis T.R. Good on you though, doing your thing hangover free today.
ReplyDeleteI cannot make the same claim. My drink last night was bourbon and ginger. Bulleit and and Spectacular Ginger Ale preceded by our traditional bottle of NYE bottle of vino. My doubts were real...they actually named it Spectacular Ginger Ale? Let me tell you folks, the name is deserving. Big difference I say. The hangover....spectacular at first wake, diminishing with the coffee.
Bottle of bottle of wine, to be clear.
ReplyDeleteVery sad the ‘Bama Clemson game not on til 9. No chance.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you broke your junk. Maybe Cigna will cover some form of massage therapy for your injury?
ReplyDeleteMore importantly, the Bills are in the playoffs for the first time since Bill Clinton was president. 2017 was not my favorite year ever but perhaps this borderline miracle should be cause for enthusiasm and optimism going into 2018. Interestingly, Clinton was impeached shortly before the Bills' last playoff appearance and was acquitted shortly thereafter. I'll take a little history repeating even if it means a Bills loss.
i did not expect this subject matter to lead off 2018. but you go to war with the material you've got. soldier on, tr.
ReplyDeleteZ...Road trip to North Florida next week? Hmmm, hmmm?
ReplyDeleteCan we get a Zman/Danimal dual post breaking down the shitshow that is Bills/Jags?
ReplyDeleteYou mean the Doug Marrone/Marcell Dareus revenge game? The We-Must-Avenge-Jim-Kelly's-Only-Home-Playoff-Loss game?
ReplyDeleteDanimal I very much would like to come down to NoFlo next week but let me think about how to explain it to zowoman. "I'm going away for the weekend to meet up with a guy I met on the internet. No, it isn't like that. Well, no, I've never met him in person before but he's a great guy. No, it reallly isn't like that. He's one of the Gheorghe guys. No, not the one with the smelly farts, although I've never met him before so maybe he farts a lot too. Seriously, this is just for a Bills game. No, we did not meet on Grindr."
that conversation should be the first post in bills/jags week
ReplyDeleteThat hurts Andrew. That hurts.
ReplyDeleteMy conversation with my wife would go like this: Honey....guess who is coming to visit us this weekend? He is coming down to see his team, the Buffalo Bills play the Jags in the playoff game?
Wife: omg....the Bills? Danimal, the ONLY Bills fan you know is The Zman!
Me: Right?
Wife: Are you cereal?
Me: Fer real girl.
Wife: Awesome!
I think that should be for “reals” not “real”.
ReplyDeleteMy copy of the Gheorghe Style Guide suggests "realz."
ReplyDeleteThe 2018 edition accepts both but makes the Oxford comma preferred.
ReplyDeleteWho gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
ReplyDeletewho you got today, gheorghies? i like oklahoma and clemson.
ReplyDeleteThat potential conversation Zman detailed is very similar to the one my wife had with my mother in law when she was explaining why I was going to DC for the Teej wedding.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest downside (for me) of my wife having a NYE birthday is that we always have dinner at her parents house in New Year’s Day. I’d really rather be eating chicken wings at my house watching the Rose Bowl.
ReplyDeleteWill Muschamp going for 2 in the 3rd quarter to try to make it a one score game? I think he may regret that.
ReplyDeleteOr Michigan may just shit the bed.
ReplyDeleteHarbaugh....wasn’t he supposed to be the second coming at UM?
ReplyDeleteThe second coming of Brady Hoke
ReplyDeleteWhat a catch and run for ND! Wow.
ReplyDeleteFer realz!
ReplyDeleteThat Boykin catch was absurd. Nice win for ND. Now let’s hope UCF hangs on
ReplyDeleteAnyone else still in their flannel pajamas? Just me?
ReplyDeleteI need to get the healthy train back on the rails, and have decided to go dry in January. I am only 17 hours into the month, but am already regretting that decision.
ReplyDeleteYou and me both pal...plan is to go to the 3rd week of Jan (pga show, which just isn't going to happen). I have a work trip this week in which the client has already asked if I'll have time for a libation. Was just discussing this with my wife, stating I'll need to make the exception. She asked why - will he not like you any more if you don't drink? The answer is, probably not.
ReplyDeleteno sense in changing out of these pj's now. will keep 'em on.
ReplyDeleteI have wagered on the Sooners, getting 3. Baker has his flaws, but playing great football ain't one of 'em.
ReplyDeleteOklahoma’s Oline is mashing Georgia.
ReplyDeleteThey are quite good. Should they win this, I will go ahead and predict they win it all.
ReplyDeleteNice halftime adjustments by Kirby. This game is fun.
ReplyDeleteSo much fun.
ReplyDeletesublime
ReplyDeleteWhat a great game.
ReplyDeleteI don't like either of these teams, and that was still super fun
ReplyDeleteThat’s as good a game as just about any of I’ve ever watched.
ReplyDeleteUniversity of Kentucky's football team has a LB named Courtney Love!? That is...surprising.
ReplyDeleteIt’s funny and predictable that there as many Shaquille’s running around as there are these days. That we have a number of Anfernees out there is just fucking amazing.
ReplyDeleteI heard that too, TR. I’m guessing he’s good at filling the Hole.
ReplyDeleteI’ll show myself out.
I wish the Bills would draft someone nam e Raekwon.
ReplyDeleteYoodge day here.
ReplyDeletecome on TR, even kramer knows that when you hold it in you can do a lot of damage to your bladder.
ReplyDeletethings just got meta-meta on sentence of dave.
Really big day here. Must be the penis thing.
ReplyDeleteZ - 9.5 point underdogs next week are the Bills. Big #. If I were a neutral observer, I would put some dollah dollah bills on the....er, uh....bills. Might even take the proverbial flyer on the outright win. You heard it here first. For more synicism, pessimism, and the like, visit danimal.com (or rather, a picture of a bird)
I for one am shocked, I said shocked,that more folks don't want to comment on TR's tender urethra!
ReplyDeleteI guess I should retract my OKLA prediction now.
ReplyDeleteTough day for Rob at the sports book heh buddy? Keep your head up.
One of my resolutions is to over-comment here. Any other resolutions out there?
Govt offices here in Jax closing tomorrow due to possible inclement weather.
ReplyDeleteLow - 31 degrees and possibly freezing rain.
commentcount!
ReplyDeleteI can see the Bills winning outright. Both teams have few players with significant playoff experience, neither coach has any head coaching playoff experience, Jacksonville isn't a particularly tough place to play, the weather won't be a factor unless it's cold which cuts in favor of the Bills, and Blake Bortles will play QB for the Jaguars.
ReplyDeleteI suppose I could turn this into a post but that's too much for anyone to read.
Is it possible for both teams to lose?
ReplyDeleteGo Bills. I could tell you who to root for with a full post, but that might also be too much for anyone to read
ReplyDeleteGuys--Tribe basketball is on fire
ReplyDelete#1bid4wmtribe is a legit possibility in 2018
that is, if we can avoid a nuclear war this year