Monday, February 25, 2013

History Repeating, Alternatively Titled "Two Great Smut Heists"

One of the great things about joining a fraternity, other than the lifelong friendships and resultant oddly shaped patches of missing body hair, are the stories. Stories that are called to mind after seeing videos like this one about Mr. Earlie Johnson:



"My collection was the best in Michigan! A guy in Connecticut told me that."

A tragedy. A tear-jerker even. Which reminds me of another jerker of a story, one from the vault if you will.

I have written about Spring Break '96 in this space previously. Before setting sail for Booz Crooz Island from the Burg someone, to whom I shall refer as "Schneider," "borrowed" a videotape from someone to whom I shall refer as "Gschvinn." Two important facts about the videotape are that it was (1) a rental from Video Update, the video store on Bypass Road, and (2) titled "Anal Angels 3." Schneider never told Gschvinn that he borrowed it and Gschvinn thought it was lost to the Unit M black hole that soaked up CDs, socks, and myriad other artifacts of frat life.

Years later, Schneider and I were living "right outside" of New York City and assembling a modest (compared to the guy in Michigan, based on the opinion of the guy in Connecticut) collection of smut. Much of it was bad because the good stuff cost more (huzzah for the internet!). The worst of the bunch was a multi-volume video set of "Classic Swedish Erotica" that Schneider acquired through some bulk purchase--he may in fact have received cash to take this stuff off its previous owner's hands. The videos should have been great. Swedish women are notoriously beautiful and the adjective "classic" made the tapes sound like must-see-TV. But in reality "classic" just meant old and "Swedish" referred to the ethnicity of one of the cameramen, not the actresses (who were generally unattractive with massive disco mitts). Simply put, there was nothing classic, Swedish, or erotic about these movies. But we made do.

Our close proximity to the Big Apple made our crib a go-to destination for the Lammie jetset crowd. So, naturally, Gschvinn eventually came to visit. After a night of carousing I entered my living room and found Gschvinn prone on my hand-me-down floral yellow couch, covered in the patina of sweat, sebum, nicotine, and malt liquor that only men in their early-to-mid twenties can generate, nursing a hangover. He professed a need for the famous hangover cure-all: shit, shower, shave, shmoke, and a shpank. I told him that he could do all of those things, as I am a famously gracious host, but asked him to wait for me to leave before doing so.

Gschvinn greatfully obliged and asked me to direct him to our nearest porn depository. I told him that several tapes were stored, naturally, behind my vinyl box set of The Smithsonian's Collection of Classic Jazz. Jazzed to jazz, Gschvinn dove into the stack and, to his great dismay, pulled out a copy of "Anal Angels 3" emblazoned with a Video Update sticker. Purple with rage, Gschvinn regaled me with the story of how the thought the tape was lost and the great dishonor that fell upon him when Video Update repeatedly harranged him for it. Apparently a few female students worked there and learned that he not only rented the film but that he absconded with it, making him a particlarly dirty bastard in their eyes. He eventually had to pony up a vast sum of money to cover the loss lest his credit rating get ruined, adding further insult to injury.

Gschvinn hatched his plan of retribution: he would steal Schneider's most beloved video. He held up "Classic Swedish Erotica: Volume 7" and asked "Does Schneider like this one?" Happy to get this atrocity out of my house, I lied that this was a foundational video in Schneider's rotation, the ace of the staff, and thus Gschvinn absconded with it.

Predictably, Schneider didn't notice. There were at least 8 total volumes to "Classic Swedish Erotica" and each of them was chaff that was routinely passed over for better stuff. Life moved on without a hitch.

Several months later, Schneider was in DC with a lady friend in order, among other things, to attend a keg party at Gschvinn's. Primary of those "other things" was a little quality romantic time with the lady friend in question. Upon arriving at the party, Schneider gallantly filled his lady's Solo cup and began filling his own when Gschvinn's roommate, to whom I shall refer as "Teedge" and said "Hey, Schneider, here's your 'Classic Swedish Erotica: Volume 7.' Thanks for letting Gschvinn borrow it, but that's some nasty shit. It turned my stomach. How do you get off to that? Dirty mothafucker." Schneider was stunned. His lady was repulsed. The rest of the weekend did not go as planned.

Hopefully karma will come around and get the thief that stole Mr. Johnson's collection in a similar fashion.

37 comments:

Danimal said...

Teedge w/the nice cock-block. Well done.

Marls said...

Bravo Z.

rob said...

also in programming from 'reminding our female readers that we're basically dirtbags week' at g:tb, i received the following text from my wife an hour or so ago:

'Did u seriously clean up cat shit with the kitchen sponge and leave it face up on the counter??'

in my defense, it was cat barf.

you ladies are feeling pretty jealous of my wife right about now, no?

Danimal said...

hey, at least you cleaned it up. nice job rob.

rob said...

that's what i'm sayin', danimal

Danimal said...

women. can't live with 'em. pass the beer nuts.
Norm Peterson, circa 1984

mayhugh said...

Rob - I have done the same thing on a few occasions. In fact, the kitchen sponge is the most efficient way of getting that stuff up.

Several years ago a friend of mine provided each groomsman in his wedding 16 DVD's of porn. As an aside, I recall there being quite a lot of variety amongst the recipients, as if they were tailored to each person's personal tastes. At some time and for some reason, I packed up the porno in a box with a bunch of christmas decorations and forgot about it. Enter my fiance's mother, who decided to decorate my house during this past holiday season. She made the discovery of what else was in the box and did not take it well. It got awkward.

rootsminer said...

Zman, you spin quite a yarn.

Rob, that's foul.

zman said...

You should switch your cat to "limited ingredient" cat food. Both zcats puke much less frequently now.

zman said...

While I'm doling out advice, you should hide your porn with your collection of vinyl jazz records, not your Christmas decoration.

zman said...

And finally ... no Harris Berman shoutous for the Smithsonian Collection of Classic Jazz from rootsy?

zman said...

Or Harris Simon.

rootsminer said...

Did you really get it on vinyl Zman, or is just the 5 cd set in a vinyl sized box?

Do you ever listen to them, or just use them as a screen for your porn?

Harris Simon would listen to jazz while he watched his porn. I think he and Klam may have had a betamax porn club before he got the teaching gig.

zman said...

I got it on vinyl for very cheap but did not have a record player so they were a porn screen. The set was lost somewhere in the sands of various moves. My father gave me his record player but it was broken and the repair shop I took it to went out of business and took the record player with them. So I lost all around, as usual.

Michael said...

Gschvinn never really liked that Schneider guy. Not the only thing that got taken from his room for that Spring Break.

Geoff said...

The following Spring break also at Key West involved a certain GTB contributor allegedly stealing something from Michael Jordan.

Michael said...

If Schenider is who I think that it is, he really put down some good hypocrisy by threatening the life of Gschvinn over a borrowed Rusted Root CD which had been misplaced.

T.J. said...

was shocked ESPN didn't cover that in the "MJ at 50" retrospective...

T.J. said...

looking forward to the new "zman nickname generator" website

rob said...

i feel like i should've heard this mj at spring break story before. someone needs to do a post on that. heavily redacted/disguised, of course.

zman said...

I believe a towel was borrowed in addition to AA3. If violence was threatened as a result of a misplaced CD for a noodling guitar band then yes, Schneider is who you think he is. So crown him.

Geoff said...

The key to the MJ story is that something of a somewhat salacious nature was stolen from Mr. Jordan. The less interesting fact from that story is that it was stolen from some goofy 20 year old white guy who happened to have the name "Michael Jordan."

T.J. said...

there's your post, rob

Squeaky said...

Can't wait for this collection to show up on Pawn Stars.

Mark said...

Great end to the Tottenham-West Ham match.

rootsminer said...

I can't figure out who Schneider is.

Clarence said...

That's Tottenporkroll-West Pork Roll to you folks in New Jersey.

zman said...

Taylor Ham dammit.

Speaking of movies, if you're looking to support the arts, throw a little cash at my friend's film.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/950994616/somewhere-in-the-middle

zman said...

Schneider is Einhorn.

rob said...

pour out a nicotine cocktail for c. everett koop. i'm not sure what a nicotine cocktail is, but he's dead, so we need to pour something out for him.

Dave said...

the internet has ruined the chance for further stories like this. great walk down memory lane, zman!

rootsminer said...

Who the hell is einhorn? That's not helpful Zman.

T.J. said...

Einhorn is Schneider, rootsy.

rootsminer said...

Thanks Teedge, it's so clear now. Z, if you're interested in a CD for vinyl swap, I still have the box set. And it would obscure porn just as well as Zrecords.

Clarence said...

Teej is wrong. Schneider is Finkle. And Finkle is Einhorn.

T.J. said...

And Einhorn is a man.

Shlara said...

T.M.I.
Your porn preferences, the cat puke...all of it.
I don't need to know these things about you.