Friday, February 15, 2013

Chubby Checker Lays Wood on HP, Skins Palm

Ernest Evans, better known as Chubby Checker, is famous for his song "The Twist." If I were Mitt Romney I would bet $10,000 that everyone who ever reads this post knows "The Twist." It is impossible to avoid. It is played at weddings, bar mitzvahs, sweet 16s, office parties, and just about any other festive venue requiring safely inoffensive and universally dancable music. Here's a video to refresh your recollection:



"The Twist" is so pervasive that it's even featured on modern TV shows.



Note that they really aren't in PJ Clarke's. Also note that if I knew how to make GIFs I would make a GIF of 0:12-0:13 and thereby attract jillions of readers to G:TB. Alas, this is the best I can do.




"The Twist" is a remarkable song in other aspects. It reached #1 on the Billboard Magazine "Hot 100" singles chart in 1960 and stayed there for 18 weeks. It then reached #1 again in 1962! No other song in the history of songs has reclaimed the #1 spot on the Billboard Magazine "Hot 100" singles chart after falling off the charts. For at least this reason, Billboard named it the #1 all-time song.

Mr. Evans soon realized that "The Twist" was a license to print money, so he rattled off a bunch of identical sounding songs like "Let's Twist Again," "Slow Twist," "Twistin' USA," "Twist Around the Clock," and "Don't Knock the Twist." And, in an effort to protect his license to print money, Mr. Evans registered his stage name, Chubby Checker, as a trademark. Over the years, Mr. Evans expanded the use of his Chubby Checker mark beyond music to include jerky, hot dogs, steaks, lamb chops, pork chops, veal chops, hamburgers, chicken, popped or processed popcorn, candy, chocolate, and spring water. It's safe to say that Chubby Checker checks cheddar like a food inspector. I like this version better though.

I know all this and more because Mr. Evans recently sued Hewlett-Packard and Palm in the Southern District of Florida because they sell an app called "Chubby Checker" for use on Palm smartphones. This is surprising because it means (1) people still use Palm smartphones?! and (2) Chubby Checker knows someone who still uses a Palm smartphone?!

Also surprising: the Chubby Checker app allows the user to determine the size of a man's penis based on his shoe size. I don't see why you need an app for this, a simple wallet-sized conversion table should suffice, but it's product development foresight like this that got Palm where it is today so who am I to judge.

Mr. Evans is represented by Willie "The Giant Killer" Gary. He is a big-time lawyer. I know this because his website features a photo of him standing next to two late 1990s-era Bentleys. Seriously! Here's the photo!



Clearly he knows how to brief the heck out of a brief. Note that I didn't rename the photo, he saved it with the "williegarycar" title on his website. He has a video too. It uses "Eye of the Tiger" and "Getting Stronger." I hope he got permission to use those copyrighted works before he integrated them into his own work which he now displays to the world via the internet ...

I can understand why Mr. Evans would be bummed out by this app and the potential tarnishment it might bring to, say, his jerky or his hot dogs. I do not understand why he seeks damages of $500,000,000. Half. A. Billion. For the pecker app. That only 84 people have downloaded for $0.99 each. I'll let someone else figure out the math on that damages claim.

But I'm sure the math is sound! What seems unsound is potentially tarnishing your own mark by making a media circus out of something only 84 people know about. I mean, I eat Chubby Checker lamb chops like it's my job, but now that Chubby Checker made me aware of the Chubby Checker app I'm taking my business elsewhere. Maybe if someone politely asked HP to yank (pun!) the app from the internet, the world would never have known about checking chubbies. Aside from those 84 purchasers, of course. But what do I know.

So whether you're the Big Bopper or Little Richard, your chubby will have to be checked manually until this case is resolved. Please plan accordingly.

26 comments:

Clarence said...

Excellent work, but I was hoping for a mention of Kool-rock-ski, Prince Markie Dee, and the HBB.

Danimal said...

yes, always an interesting post from the z-dawg.

after a few weeks of ignoring and grappling with the decision, i accepted "the donald's" request for a connection on linkedin. will keep you posted on this development.

Danimal said...

am trying to find the word that best describes my feeling about this.

rob said...

wait, what? details, please. this seems like something we can exploit. we'll compensate you for any damage to your potential future earnings. i'm working on this awesome app based on the kool moe dee song 'go see the doctor'.

zman said...

The Human Beat Box and his colleagues were not named in the complaint. Mr. Evans did not stick em.

rootsminer said...

Thanks Zman. My 9 year old read a this over my shoulder this morning and told his little brother. My wife is stoked about them going to school talking about the chubby checker dick measuring app.

T.J. said...

GTB, educating the youth of 'Murica since 2003.

rob said...

hell, my daughter told* dave's boys how babies were made. tell your wife that everyone will get over it.

* 'told', not 'taught', you dirty-minded asshats.

zman said...

Just send them to school with a tape measure. They don't need the app.

rob said...

fyi, i have it on good authority that g:tb is now widely considered the internet's leading blog about w&m hoops. we're monetizing the shit out of that, my friends.

T.J. said...

makin' it rain with James River Notes...

Squeaky said...

Might have to fire up the wife's HP to check out the app. 10" tablet might not be enough space for my Irishness.

rootsminer said...

I must have been about 9 when we went to Ohio to visit a friend who moved out of town, and another friend gave me a 'Peter Meter' to take him as a gift. So I guess it is time my boys learned about measuring their junk. Thanks GTB!

T.J. said...

Chubby (and Squeaky) need this:

http://bit.ly/11KANx5

Dave said...

so 84 people are walking around, asking people "hey, what size is your shoe?' and then telling them how big their penis is?

rob said...

that gif, by the way, zman.

zman said...

My Friday gif(t) to you.

T.J. said...

relevant to this post:

http://huff.to/12pKS1W

Mark said...

My former high school beat Orlando power Jones High School in the state basketball playoffs last night. Some pretty cool video from the final few seconds:

http://www.floridatoday.com/videonetwork/2165993968001

Mark said...

In other cool video news: more proof that James White is not from this planet...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JFvcwu9NmI&feature=youtu.be

Squeaky said...

I'm no skater but this is effing cool.

Jerry said...

"Ex-U.S. midfielder Rogers says he's gay, retires"

And Gerald Ford is dead

Clarence said...

Yo, Twist. Chubby's hair is... interesting.

mayhugh said...

Clear-cut case of trademark dilution. I'm on Big Ern's side, though maybe not to the tune of $500M.

Alas, Big Pun never got to use the app; he allegedly needed to carry around more than 6 rulers.

Has anyone who frequents this blog ever eaten at a Chubby Checkers? This might be my weekend project.

rob said...

hi gheorghies, my name is inigo montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die.

rob said...

tribe on comcast at noon vs odu. i assume clarence will be in the house.