Tuesday, January 03, 2012

2012: The Year in Review

If you're going to take part in the "thirty second news cycle" of the digital universe, then you've got to preemptively strike. So here at G:TB, we are proud to present a comprehensive and conclusive summary of the most memorable news stories of 2012. These are the events that you'll remember ten years from now, in 2022 (or maybe even in 2222, when you've uploaded your avatar to the matrix so you can live eternally in the cloud with Cocaine Bear). We've worked very hard to cull the absolute best that 2012 had to offer, so enjoy the review of the wonderful year it was . . .


1) The Giants beat the Cowboys. A big story with major play-off implications-- especially after the misery of the past two seasons-- but the game was not particularly memorable for me. As a Giants fan, watching the first three quarters was fantastic, but the last thing I remember was Antrel Rolle intercepting Tony Romo. Then I fell asleep. This raises the question: why move a 1 PM game to 8:20 PM on New Year's Day? I understand this might generate more West coast ratings, but it was a home game for the Giants and putting it on at night not only punishes hung-over drunkards, but it also punishes children. My seven year old son-- who's just started to understand football-- was really upset that he couldn't stay up and watch the game. I thought the NFL loved drunkards and children. Or perhaps that's God.

In other big NFL news, Roger Goodell has still not reacted nor replied to this open letter. Not surprising.

2) History repeats itself. My wife has a habit of placing things on the roof of our car and then driving away. She has done this with cameras, keys, memory sticks, a sand dollar, and food. Fans of Sentence of Dave might remember that my very first post dealt with this issue. New Year's Day, my wife left the handset to the phone on top of the car and then drove down Route 1 to a playground, drove back up Route 1, and then finally discovered that it had not fallen off the roof.

3) We orbit the moon! NASA successfully sent two "washing machine sized Grail probes" into lunar orbit on New Year's Day. Perhaps someday we'll send a human astronaut to walk on this forbidding satellite.

4) America still won't embrace evolution! Or gravity. Or math.

5) Dave is working on a concept album (but hasn't completed any tracks yet).


6) Legendary Swordmaster Bob Anderson died. And now that he's dead and I don't have to sword-fight him for his title, I am stealing it. Henceforth, please refer to me as Legendary Swordmaster Dave . . . or I'll skewer you.

7) Dave uses his Neti Pot and does not die from a brain eating amoeba. Or not yet, anyway.

49 comments:

TR said...

I would have to think Dan Savage would be almost as excited as Santorum about the prospect of Santorum taking Iowa.

zman said...

I'm trying to come up with a PG-13 way to use the words "savage" and "santorum" in a sentence but I can't.

So ... Bill Polian is out of a job?

T.J. said...

Good to see the bear survived New Year's Eve.

Geoff said...

Happy Iowa Caucus Day. This year we feature a field so strong that a black hole of charisma who hates gays and people of color will finish second...and third...and fourth.

zman said...

W is running?

Geoff said...

These guys are W without the "Coach form Cheers" likability.

zman said...

For what it's worth, in 2008 I said something similar about the Democratic candidates -- "is this the best we can do?"

Geoff said...

Yeah, I think Mittens is a completely competent candidate who can lose to Obama with a great deal of dignity.

Dave said...

i am suffering caffeine and sugar withdrawal while trying to teach america's future leaders. it's not pretty. i'm tweaking.

Squeaky said...

Future leaders? Which famous leaders graduated from that school?

TR said...

For The Teej:

www.bronycon.org

Dave said...

you're talking abou the past, squeaky. i'm talking about the future.

zman said...

It sounds like Dave wants to challenge Squeaky to a sword fight.

T.J. said...

TR, what the hell is that thing?

TR said...

It's a planned gathering of bronies.

TR said...

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bronies

T.J. said...

Riiiight. I think rob even did a post about that topic.

Shlara said...

1. We need more Cocaine Bear in 2012

2. I can't believe no one mentioned the Zooey & JGL NYE music video last week--don't you guys dig her?

rob said...

i'm too busy watching it on endless loop

TR said...

Is he famous enough to be just JGL?

T.J. said...

http://bit.ly/yZcxKN

Whitney said...

He is because you can pronounce it "jiggle."

Likewise, my monogram spells "way-cool," so it's acceptable.

TR said...

JGL is no MLB, who was the secret power behind Perfect Strangers.

T.J. said...

Now we do the Dance of Joy...

Igor said...

Hey, what's the consensus on hanging your college diploma on your office wall? Pompous, or merely something to fill a blank wall?

rob said...

it's a trick question, as igor never actually graduated from college.

Igor said...

That was Ogre. I have a degree, just like Dr. Seuss.

Our friend Ursa Major and his friends.

And this.

Yep, and this for our friend the Squirrel.

Shlara said...

TR, he is famous enough in those hipster/indie circles to be simply "JGL"

I am not in those circles, I just amd trying to be cool. And I like him.

Geoff said...

Mine is on my wall because what the hell else am I gonna hang up? "Art"? I've got a panoramic of RFK, a couple framed bills, some campaign posters and my diploma. Pro tip: Hanging up the high school diploma is probably not the way to go.

Danimal said...

i wouldn't call it pompous igor. it's not like you went to j.m.u.

interesting question though, timely too. for xmas my wife had a shadow box made for me w/my tri stuff from 2010...am struggling with the same. could be seen as douchey.

Geoff said...

Wait, you guys don't have your paddle hanging in your office?

zman said...

Who is JGL?

In my field it is considered odd and unprofessional if you don't have your diplomae on the wall. So of course I don't. I got my high school diploma framed expressly so that I could hang it as the solo degree in my office, snubbing all the Ivy Leaguers around me, but in the end I lack the balls.

Danimal said...

one thing i'd like to see here sometime in '12 is the letter/email igor penned to his tyrant boss.

Danimal said...

and the hair too z - don't forget the hair.

rob said...

danimal, there's not enough time left in the year to read that epic

TR said...

Maybe Whigor could redact some names and release it in a 6-9 part sequence.

Dave said...

love the word "redact." i'm going to write something with some names and then redact them, just so i can do some redacting. does anyone know how to make that crazy line thingie on the blog?

i would love to hang my paddle in my classroom. give the kids an idea of what to expect.

zman said...

Redacting is overrated.

Mark said...

One of my favorite running buts on the internet is EDSBS's use of [name redacted] in place of Ron Zook.

I have both my degrees framed. And they've been sitting on the floor of our extra bedroom for over 5 years. This angers my wife, but I'd feel like a douche if I hung either in my office.

Igor said...

Rob is right, there was too much I needed to include in my missive to the old boss. Yet not one of the dozens of pretty harsh accusations was either fabricated or even embellished one iota.

I can provide a couple of highlights (lowlights) when I dig it up. Gotta be sure this medium won't be used against me when we go to court.

Igor said...

Loose Ends: Teejay, you had to be the worst drafter in the fall TV Cancellation Prediction Draft, right? Your every pick is still an active show.

rob said...

danimal - tribe getting 5.5 at home against your dukes today. i don't have a feel.

also, in the small world category, turns out our kq went to high school with your boss.

Danimal said...

wow.
would hate to paint it though.

zman said...

Norv Turner makes $3 million a year? Is that above average for an NFL coach?

T.J. said...

Nine coaches make more than him.

He makes the same as 7 other coaches.

TR said...

Schotty makes $1.6 mm as one of the worst offensive coordinators in the league. I wonder if he has the DLC repping him.

Igor said...

Doesn't appear so, based on this list, but his dad Marty should -- Denny represents Marty's (UFL Champion) Virginia Destroyers RB coach.

T.J. said...

The DLC is doing quite well for himself, I see.

TR said...

I wonder if the DLC gets a lot of marketing requests for Shaver's stache.