Friday, January 06, 2012

G:TB Week in Review

A compendium, of sorts, our first recurring feature destined not to recur very much of the new year.  Here's what happened in the larger World of Gheorghe this week:

The sainted Greg McElroy found cause to express his dismay at some of his New York Jets teammates, telling Birmingham, AL radio station 97.3 The Zone, "It's the first time I've ever been around extremely selfish individuals.  There were people within our locker room that didn't care whether we won or lost as long as they got theirs, they had a good game individually. And that's the disappointing thing." McElroy, who's destined to be an NFL Hall of Famer, is obviously a leader of men and clearly in the right, but that didn't stop washout former NFL quarterback Erik Ainge from piping up on Twitter, saying: "@nyjets Someone tell McElroy to keep his mouth shut about the NYJ "Locker Room" speaking in the media about your teammates, entitled brat!"

We're known in these parts for adopting teams and players that strike our fancy. Whatever the opposite of adoption is, we're about to do it to Virginia Tech and its increasingly obnoxious group of fans. Less than a generation ago Tech was as relevant as the shit on its work boots. Today, we can barely tell the difference between a Hokie and a Wahoo in terms of self-serious entitlement. 'Twas bad enough Virginia Tech got a BCS bid despite a resume that gave George O'Leary pause (losing twice to a Clemson team that gave up 70(!) to WVU, among other things), but the whining about just about everything associated with the game, from officiating to Frank Beamer's coaching, is tiresome. Deep down in places you don't talk about at cocktail parties, you know that without Beamer you people are East Carolina. I'd prefer you just said thank you, and went on your way. It's really hard to make UVA seem sympathetic, but Hokie Nation's doing a bang-up job of it. (Danny Coale's effort was pretty sick, though - we'll refrain from disowning him.)



Apparently week one of 2012 was Wheelhouse Week here, as Jerry's colleague Geoff sent along news of the Large Hadron Collider's attempt to infiltrate our children's minds.  Niels Bohr Institute Physicist Sascha Mehlhase (obvious alias, as well as anagram for Ha! Ha! Cashless Me!) built the 50:1 scale replica "as part of an outreach project".  Indeed. I think we all know what that actually means.


Amazingly, the LHC's steady creep towards Skynet-like awareness was only the week's second-most frightening scientific newsWired Magazine reports on a disturbing report from a pair of former clandestine operatives, who claim that a young Obama was teleported to Mars as part of a DARPA/CIA mission. Operating under the alias "Barry Soetero", an 18 year-old Obama joined current DARPA Chief Regina Dugan on a team of "chrononauts", who traversed the "boundaries of time and space".  Naturally, the White House denied Obama's involvement, laughing off the allegations with a joke about Marvin the Martian. Somewhere, Ron Paul is tightening the security precautions on his escape pod.


Finally, we're sad to report that Dave did not care about Canada at all this week.

Late edit: Dave cared about Canada! Once.

73 comments:

T.J. said...

Is Dave done eating copious amounts of tacos?

TR said...

Don't be such a goiter hater, Rob.

http://fapit.net/imgs/1054/goiter.jpg

T.J. said...

Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.

Dave said...

rob, you obviously don't check my blog at one in the morning. talked with a canadian for quite a while last night and learned many facts, and he gave me an assignment. i now know what "poutine" is. my canada counter is back up to one. or as they say in canada: "uno."

rob said...

dave - we corrected the error, eh.

rob said...

teej - dave has moved on from tacos. he will now be eating copious amounts of poutine and backbacon.

Jerry said...

Dave also further cemented his status of not being like everybody else with his complaint about the timing of the Giants-Cowboys game, the highest rated game in SNF history.

Jerry said...

And I would've liked to see you guys write New Year's resolutions for each other. 2012 is all about Teejay getting into outdoor sports like kayaking.

Igor said...

They put large amounts of contrarian in the water system in central New Jersey, don't they?

Igor said...

I have come across four people in different circles of friends down here who are giving up drinking as a new year's resolution. Several for all of January, one guy til his birthday in March. I mean, how do you not drink on MLK Day? Or Friday the 13th?

T.J. said...

Poutine is fantastic.

T.J. said...

Poontang...also fantastic.

T.J. said...

New Year's resolutions are some of the dumbest shit ever. It's just an excuse for some asshole co-worker to come up to you on January 4th and say something like "Oh my god, I said I wouldn't chew gum all year, BUT I ALREADY CAVED!"

Fuck you, co-worker who actually did this.

zman said...

Fuck, too, poutine. Any chance you get.

rob said...

kq gave me a nutrition plan to help cleanse my system after i polluted it over the holidays. the plan calls for 21 days without alcohol. i don't think i've done that since i went to college. i'm not kidding.

Jerry said...

Gum? Come on people. At least make it chew tobacco.

Back in my prime I used to throttle down the drinking for a few weeks after the first weekend in January. It's usually not a great going out period and it's useful to reset things after the holiday binge.

Of course as a younger man, I didn't consider the crucial drinking holidays like MLK and Friday the 13th. Now I know better.

zman said...

I think the opposite of adoption is forfeiture.

rob said...

don't make us disown you, z.

Mark said...

As I stated on twitter, my New Year's resolution is to wear my hats like Memphis Bleek.

Jerry said...

New Year's Resolution: Organize President's Day Stumble. Who's in?

Mark said...

Will everyone dress like their favorite President? If so, I'm in.

Igor said...

So, Rob, are you going three weeks without drinking?

T.J. said...

Someone want to explain to me what the hell happened at Auburn that running back Michael Dyer is transferring?

T.J. said...

I am in for President's Day Stumble.

T.J. said...

Jer, we might have to stop here:
http://www.51ststatetavern.com/

zman said...

I will dress as Al Gore.

Mark said...

Nobody really knows the real answer on Dyer it seems. I think he failed some drug tests, personally. Just one of the many rumors (he hates Chizik, loved Malzahn) I've heard.

Either way, it's HUGE loss. He was, at times, the entire Auburn offense this year.

T.J. said...

Jer, am generating some interest on the tweet machine for this. e now have an official hashtag:
#PresidentsDayStumble

Mark said...

Due to my job, I'm on the Board for a local AARP Chapter. As a result, I am now receiving emails for a Senior dating website. Not gonna lie, kind of intrigued.

T.J. said...

zman invented the internet!

Jerry said...

OK - we're doing it. Costumes could be tricky. How can I extend my beard 4 inches to the sides of my face like Martin Van Buren?

Jerry said...

February 18.

T.J. said...

Holy WTF Batman:

http://bit.ly/y6AyKC

Igor said...

As in WTF are you doing posting a link to that crap?

T.J. said...

As in "end of days".

And really, now we're judging the quality of links we post in these comments? Settle down, old man.

Geoff said...

TJ's going as President David Palmer in blackface.

T.J. said...

Omega president Gregg Marmalard.

Dave said...

president's day stumble could also be a tribute to rob's favorite movie: point break. if so, i'm in.

i'm always trying to quit chewing tobacco, but last night, i compromised and got "snus," which isn't supposed to be as bad as normal dip-- it's fresh refrigerated tobbacco w/o all the preservatives-- but to get the required effect i had to put six of the little packets in my lip.

Igor said...

President's stumble winner has to be the guy who shows up in a wheelchair as FDR. And then pisses people off when we goes in the men's room and stands up.

Danimal said...

how 'bout jfk? with head wounds.

my resolution this year is to make friends with someone that owns a nice boat. and also to buy a paul frederick dress shirt. monogrammed of course (danimal).

T.J. said...

I have a Frederick Douglass dress shirt. Or, I did. Seems to have disappeared from the wash.

rob said...

i will attend as james madison, natch.

rob said...

can't wait to unveil my secretaries of labor day costume. #reichreichbaby

Danimal said...

who's going as washington? gheorghe washington?

Jerry said...

I'd love to get a look at that "Frederick Douglass" shirt. Is it vintage from 1860 or does it just have his picture on it?

rob said...

it was a coinflip in my mind whether the teej was going for an obscure joke or he fucked up the paul frederick name. still not entirely sure.

T.J. said...

I was going for a deepcut joke...complete with failed Underground Railroad reference

Jerry said...

I figured it's Friday after lunch...

T.J. said...

That joke was pre-lunch. A lunch I sadly ate in my cube. No business juice at all this week. Shitty week.

rob said...

that underground railroad reference was so deep as to be invisible

rob said...

jerry - what is the order of events for the president's day stumble? will we be stumbling in the vicinity of the white house?

Jerry said...

That's an interesting idea. It's still very early in the process. Zygote stage. We just finished intercourse.

rob said...

i think we should end the night by trying to get into the white house. slowest guy gets to tell the best secret service pummeling story.

T.J. said...

Jer, google Presidents Sports Bar. It's a good central locale.

zman said...

Deep. How deep? Deeper than Atlantis. Deeper than the sea floor travelled by the mantis.

I know it's a manta, not a mantis, that travels the sea floor but you try explaining that to Professor X.

If your W costume is sufficiently convincing the Secret Service might just think you're lost and confused as usual and put you on a plane to Crawfor.

rob said...

jim rome makes an estimated $30m/year from his radio show alone. that's jawdroppingly depressing.

Danimal said...

That's before taxes tho

T.J. said...

That Jim Rome info is disgusting

TR said...

The low temp in Turks & Caicos is projected to be 69 degrees for each of the next five nights. This pleases me.

Igor said...

Money can't buy you happiness, though, Rob. Or respect. Or taste. Or a decent haircut, apparently.

Mark said...

But it can buy lots of hookers. And blow. And a chinese guy to shoot off fireworks in your house.

Igor said...

I'd love to hear about a new expose written by Fred Garvin, male prostitute called "When In Rome," detailing how he and the Chinese guy had their way with Jim Rome.

According to an Amsterdam hooker, the men of Asian descent do off-kilter things in the red light district. "They want me to be the man," we heard her say.

T.J. said...

Mark, you know Ling the Firework King too?

Mark said...

Know him? He lived next door to Berto in Gainesville.

Dennis said...

The FDR bit hooked me - immediately placing phone calls to every African American woman I know to accompany my Thomas Jefferson entourage. And someone please remember this comment string for Gheorghemas 2012 reflective...

zman said...

Motorin! What's your price for flight?

zman said...

I'm calling big honeys for my bill Clinton harem.

Mark said...

Zman completes me (ngs).

T.J. said...

What does Motrin have to do with air fare?

T.J. said...

I'm going in blueface in honor of "Mr. Long Ass Inauguration And Subsequent Pneumonia Death" William Henry Harrison.

Mark said...

Rob - New Murs album out. Kind of fresh.

Dave said...

latest comment two nights in a row.

Dave said...

shit. igor did comment after me last night, but still . . .