Wednesday, February 02, 2011

An Open Letter to Roger Goodell

Dear Roger Goodell,

Here at G:TB, we occasionally write an epistle for the greater good. I am so sorry that it has come to this, but I am forced to unleash my super-potent rhetorical forces on you. If you doubt my powers, simply read this, and you will know what is in store for you.

My first demand: move the Super Bowl to Saturday. And it's got to be now! Let's do this! Let's do this thing. Do it. Do it now! 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . Do it! 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . Now! Do it now!



On a more serious note, Mr. Goodell, some of us have to work early on Monday morning, but that is not the only reason for moving the Super Bowl to Saturday. The main reason is more profound than it is pragmatic. Moving the Super Bowl to Saturday will be good for the collective consciousness of our great nation. Our great nation, that is slowly splintering, slowly fragmenting due to technology. That is not to say that the digital revolution is not wonderful. Time restraints have been conquered. Choices in media abound. This blog exists. With a minimum amount of effort, you can read what you want, listen to what you want, and, of course, you can watch what you want . . . when you want to watch it.

But all this convenience comes at a price. There is very little shared culture now in America. In the old days, on Friday morning, people would analyze the latest episode of Seinfeld. Now, we don't even watch sporting events at the same time. Everyone is on their own private schedule, living in their own private Idaho.

Except for the Super Bowl. Everyone makes time for the Super Bowl. You don't need to be a football fan to attend a Super Bowl party. There is food and drinking and gambling, and people even behave altruistically and watch the commercials, further propagating the insane revenues that said commercials generate. An event such as this should not be constrained by the looming presence of Monday morning. An event such as this should be beyond festive, beyond convivial . . . it should be Bacchanal. I shouldn't be worrying about this.

Say it to yourself. Superbowl Saturday. It's still alliterative. And think about the good you would be doing the nation. I cannot begin to estimate the lost productivity on the Monday after the Super Bowl: the sick-days, the lateness, the sleep deprived air-traffic controllers, the still drunk elementary school bus drivers. Do it for those elementary school kids, the kids that have to be driven to school by a drunk, because the Super Bowl starts late Sunday night. Do it for my students, who deserve to start the second semester with an energetic, well-rested teacher, who enjoyed himself immensely Saturday night at a Super Bowl party, and then got a good night's sleep on Sunday. Do it! Let's do this thing! Let's do this thing now! 3 . . . 2 . . .1 . . . Do it!

My second and final demand is this: let the team with the best record host the Super Bowl. Let it be a home game, and if it has to be played in Pittsburgh in the snow, then so be it. This is football. If I look out my kitchen window, I'm staring at four foot high snow banks, so when I turn on the Super Bowl-- the greatest single contest in sports-- I don't want to see a bunch of rich folks wearing t-shirts partying down in some warm location. I want to see frost-bitten cheerleaders and three hundred pound men slipping on ice.

Occasionally, the Super Bowl will be in a warm location, but most of the time, if you want to go to the greatest shared cultural event in America, you will have to suffer. There will be flight delays, difficulties getting to the stadium, drunks with hypothermia, and late season football the way it is meant to be played. So what do you say, Roger? Let's do this thing! Super Bowl Saturday in the Snow! 3 . . . 2 . . .1 . . . Do it! Now!

Your friend,

Dave

67 comments:

Igor said...

Second. Especially on Super Bowl in cold weather. The Ice Bowl looked fun to watch.

The other side of the Super Saturday argument is that I can always find people to drink with me on Friday and Saturday, but this weekend offers a rare good drinking night with lots of comrades for Sunday.

Dave said...

spoken like a true alcoholic. if anything, your comment helps the "good of the nation" rationale.

rob said...

this is way more important than that charter school crap

zman said...

Cause you can't drink alone?

Igor said...

Unlike George Thorogood, I prefer not to drink alone. It's what separates me from the alcoholics.

Greg said...

Drinking alone is highly underrated.

Danimal said...

Dukes. Tribe. Tonight! Catch the action.
Watching Chuck Woolery on the gameshow Lingo at the moment. He's silky smooth.

Danimal said...

mark - so i take it UF has next to no one graduating this year? let me rephrase that - next to no one with 0 years eligibility left, and hence the low # of signees?

fsu strong to very strong

irish quite respectable too

Squeaky said...

No National signing day posts? I know there are some big college football fans on here.

Geoff said...

Goodell's plan with the 18 game season is to extend the postseason by two weeks and hold the Super Bowl on the Sunday of President's Day weekend. I support this proposal.

rob said...

saturday, geoff. dammit.

also, this picture from chicago's lakeshore drive in the snowstorm is unfreakingreal: http://bit.ly/gPwsem

/non-sequitur

rob said...

should clarify - i don't get president's day off.

TR said...

Mitch Mustain arrested on felony narcotics charge. So predictable and Marinovichian. Maybe he can find God under the tutelage of John David Booty and try to find out hot it all went wrong.

What is a felony narcotics charge? Is that possession with intent to distribute?

Danimal said...

among the most sought after players in the history of mankind - record at usc.... 0-1

Mark said...

Dan - Florida isn't losing a ton this year but the reason for a smaller class than normal is due more to a new staff than anything. Transition classes are usually a little smaller. Same thing happened w/ Meyer & Zook's initial classes. Some other reasons are Florida not taking lower rated guys just to fill a class and the school's refusal to oversign. Next year's will probably be 27-28 deep.

FSU took full advantage of the upheaval at Florida & Miami. Big class for Jimbo.

ND grabbed a nice one too. As did UGA & Tennessee.

Geoff said...

Can TJ do an investigative piece on why Rob's company hates America and freedom and federal holidays?

Mark said...

He can include my company in that investigation too.

Igor said...

And mine. My company also hates paying people market value and treating them with basic decency.

Actual quote from owner/president: "Sometimes I forget that my employees are human beings."

Yes, we're hiring!!

Geoff said...

Gheorghe has become where I go to feel better about my job. From zman's 26 hour days to Whitney's Draconian superiors to Mark getting no respect because his coworkers think he's a roadie for Crazy Town. Its a wonderful resource. I'm going to go give it a good review on Angie's List.

zman said...

Does anyone work for a company that pays people market value and treats employees with basic decency? Such places exist?

In the last 9 days of January, I billed 99.9 hours. That's not time in the office, that's time billed, i.e., time spent actually doing work (as opposed to blogging). I want to die.

Dave said...

you guys should all become teachers. we don't go to work when it snows.

which is the problem with the president's day plan-- we normally have it off, but i think this year we're losing it because of all the snow days.

so superbowl saturday! let's do this. 3 . . .2 . . . 1 . . . now!

Igor said...

Squeaky's company does. I used to work for them. I left because . . . uh . . . well . . .

[reaching for cyanide]

Mark said...

Crazy Town, nice hip reference. To be clear, my coworkers think I'm a roadie for Ke$ha.

Geoff said...

Shit...there goes my image as a super hip dude...

rob said...

i can't wait until jadaveon clowney signs. my favorite name of the class.

Squeaky said...

We're hiring.

And our last year end meeting was in New Orleans.

Mark said...

Sorry, Geoff. I can get you Ke$ha tickets.

Have fun waiting until Valentine's Day, Rob.

Greg said...

Ke$ha is beloved by €-trash who have a ¥ to give her a gang £-ing from behind.

Danimal said...

so z-man - you couldn't quite reach 100 heh? weak.

rob said...

how long has greg been keeping that one in his quiver?

Greg said...

I don't even know who Ke$ha is. I don't peso much attention to these things.

zman said...

Danimal - I was bummed out when I did the math. I wish I found an extra 6 minutes of time to work last week.

T.J. said...

My workplace has insituted a hiring and salary freeze, doing so in their typical assbackwards manner, creating a palpable tension at work as eveyone is in panic mode.

Good times.

Danimal said...

__________ Like an Egyptian

T.J. said...

if anyone sees Dennis tell him the White Stripes are breaking up.

rob said...

and give him something soft to punch

Danimal said...

without looking, tonight's line on w&m/jmu game?

Igor said...

Eh, it's not that devastating when a two-person band who hasn't done much of anything together in 4 years breaks up.

rob said...

dukes -9

T.J. said...

Dennis loves Jack White, in an unhealthy way.

Danimal said...

he should team up w/jack black.

rob - that would have been my guess, or thereabouts. it's jmu minus....wait for it....a little longer now....it's coming...14

as the guy with the harelip said to the clerk selling nuts..."damn thaths haa"

Igor said...

Dennis's turn-ons: Monty Python, Duke hoops, Jack White, and popping off to uppity douchebags. I think it's about time we profiled this G:TB contributor more fully.

T.J. said...

The Eagles just promoted their O-line coach...to Defensie Coordinator. What?

Igor said...

Remember, the best defense is a good offense. Or something.

rob said...

quinn mcdowell may not play for the wrens. in that case, bet the college money on the dukes.

T.J. said...

Looks like I'm losing my bet to Rich...

zman said...

You mean there are companies out there that don't have hiring and salary freezes? Where are these magical employers?

rob said...

on the plus side, restrepo is on nat geo this evening.

T.J. said...

These long hours have the zman more bitter than I've seen him in ages...this is like zman '95 bitterness.

T.J. said...

These long hours have the zman more bitter than I've seen him in ages...this is like zman '95 bitterness.

zman said...

I think the world needs more honest-to-god kick-ass blues-influenced nominally-psychadelic goddam rock bands and it's a shame whenever one of them folds. Jack White will continue to make music though, so Dennis will be fine.

T.J. said...

I hate you, Blogger

Shlara said...

Dave...I agree with you. If the Super Bowl were held on Saturday, I wouldn't have to take Monday off to fly home from Dallas.

rob said...

subtle

rob said...

this jmu pressure is gonna be a problem

Igor said...

W&M was up 14 against JMU at half. Dukes have already chipped five off that lead, five mins into the second half.

JMU will win by 7.

Danimal said...

Glad I haven't been paying attention....did not wager

Danimal said...

U guys r winning this game....now and in the end.

Shlara said...

Just turned on the TV. This is shocking. And exciting

Igor said...

Tribe missed 5 free throws in a row now, down the stretch. Point shaving not likely, right?

Danimal said...

Not as 14 pt dawgs...was thinking along the same lines for Jmu. That can be the only explanation for this loss.

rob said...

tribe y'all

TR said...

Nothing says a Knicks game has been decided like an Andy Rautins sighting.

TR said...

Rautins looks like he should be dealing coke on Long Island.

TR said...

And he's wearing spandex. A Kenny Walker tribute, perhaps?

TR said...

Jimmer leads BYU over Wyoming. Unfortunately for Wyoming, Fennis Dembo ain't walking into that locker room.

Squeaky said...

We've had over 69+ inches of snow at my place as of the last storm. Supposed to get between 6 and 9 on Saturday. Zero ski days for me Bummed.