Week 3 College Picks

Texas Tech @ (2) Texas (-17)
Mack Brown is, by at least one account, a very nice man. But G:TB’s sources tell us that he holds a special enmity for Mike Leach’s swashbuckling Red Raider program. And ol’ Mack’s been seething for nearly 11 months after Texas Tech ruined Bevo’s unbeaten 2008 season on Michael Crabtree’s last-second touchdown catch. Get a load of this: "Some people use it but it's not my personality. Revenge is fine if that helps. We tell the players to figure out what turns you on, what excites you. We don't care," said Brown. Seething, I tell you.

Michael Crabtree’s not walking through that door. Graham Harrell’s not walking through that door, mostly because he can’t get out of Canada. But Colt McCoy is. And it says here that the Longhorns take a big ol' chunk out of Tech, something on the order of 56-35.

Bonus Worst Game in America Pick

Southern Methodist (-4.5) @ Washington State
Ponies travel to the Paloose in a heated intersectional rivalry. Not since the days of James and Dickerson has this one meant so much. SMU brings its 2-0 record to the Pacific Northwest, where Wazzu is living up to its reputation as one of Division I’s most dreadful ballclubs, carrying big losses to Hawaii and Stanford into Week 3. SMU signal caller Bo Levi Mitchell (seriously? Bo Levi? Straight up gangster.) is nursing banged up ribs, but it really shouldn’t matter against a Cougar defense that allows 550 yards and 38.5 points per game. At some point, Washington State will be respectable again, but it ain’t happening this week. Ponies and the points.

Florida-Tennessee
The young man in the above video said it best. I hate Tennessee. I hate everything about them. More importantly, the young man is telling the truth. Tennessee is a bunch of snitches (Fulmer, Kiffin...it must be in the water in Knoxville) and they have the worst primary color in collegiate sports. The mere sight of that disgusting creamsicle orange so enrages me that I would smack a creamsicle right out of a small child's hand on principle alone. There is nothing to like about Tennesee. Even their women are among the worst in the SEC (second only to Vanderbilt). Now, a Tennessee fan may hear this and start talking about Layla Kiffin. Well, guess what? She went to Florida. Even your coach wouldn't go after any of your fat, inbred, toothless whores.

Am I worried about this game? Yes. It's Tennessee. I'm always worried when we play Tennessee. When you hate something the way I hate Tennessee the mere thought of them makes your stomach turn and your pulse race. Luckily for me, Florida's defense should have Jonathon Crompton throwing multiple picks by halftime and Nu'Keese Richardson begging for mercy by mid 3rd quarter. I'm not going to talk strategy here. Tennessee's defense is talented and well coached. Their offense is not. Florida is loaded on both sides of the ball (save for WR which is...shaky), playing at home and currently being fed gun powder by Urban Meyer and Charlie Strong as you read this. The line is 29.5. I doubt I'm alone when I say that I'll be disappointed if the Gators don't win by at least 35. Not disappointed in the Gators. Disappointed that Lane and "the greatest coaching staff ever assembled" (UT fans' words, not mine) weren't embarrassed as the fucking sackless shitheads they are in front of a nation full of observers.

West Virginia @ Auburn (-6.5)

What do I know about this game? To be honest, not much. I know Auburn's offense is much improved thanks to the addition of OC Gus Malzahn in his second run through the SEC. I know WVU QB Jarrett Brown is a much better passer than Pat White (so's my 14 year old cousin) and the Mountaineer offense is more unpredictable and diversified because of it though not necessarily better. I know Noel Devine is still one of the nation's better kept secrets, despite his penchant for ankle breaking moves, breathtaking runs and the siring of bastards all over the south. I also know that I'm likely to encounter more rednecks over the next two days than I've ever been exposed to in my life (As someone who's lived most of his life in the South, this is really saying something.) and I know I'm not likely to blend in well, what with the bald head, the beard and the tattoos.

Though I haven't watched a single down of Auburn football yet this year (No matter, things don't change much on the Plains: Play good D, run the football, limit turnovers and make a few big plays in the passing game. Same as it ever was.) I'm going to take Auburn here. Nobody on West Virginia has ever played in an environment anything close to Jordan-Hare Stadium on a Saturday night and, in a matchup of seemingly even teams, that's enough to swing this game in the Tigers favor. Auburn wins, I get drunk. Everybody wins.