Friday, September 18, 2009

Week 3 College Picks


Texas Tech @ (2) Texas (-17)
Mack Brown is, by at least one account, a very nice man. But G:TB’s sources tell us that he holds a special enmity for Mike Leach’s swashbuckling Red Raider program. And ol’ Mack’s been seething for nearly 11 months after Texas Tech ruined Bevo’s unbeaten 2008 season on Michael Crabtree’s last-second touchdown catch. Get a load of this: "Some people use it but it's not my personality. Revenge is fine if that helps. We tell the players to figure out what turns you on, what excites you. We don't care," said Brown. Seething, I tell you.

Michael Crabtree’s not walking through that door. Graham Harrell’s not walking through that door, mostly because he can’t get out of Canada. But Colt McCoy is. And it says here that the Longhorns take a big ol' chunk out of Tech, something on the order of 56-35.

Bonus Worst Game in America Pick

Southern Methodist (-4.5) @ Washington State

Ponies travel to the Paloose in a heated intersectional rivalry. Not since the days of James and Dickerson has this one meant so much. SMU brings its 2-0 record to the Pacific Northwest, where Wazzu is living up to its reputation as one of Division I’s most dreadful ballclubs, carrying big losses to Hawaii and Stanford into Week 3. SMU signal caller Bo Levi Mitchell (seriously? Bo Levi? Straight up gangster.) is nursing banged up ribs, but it really shouldn’t matter against a Cougar defense that allows 550 yards and 38.5 points per game. At some point, Washington State will be respectable again, but it ain’t happening this week. Ponies and the points.




Florida-Tennessee
The young man in the above video said it best. I hate Tennessee. I hate everything about them. More importantly, the young man is telling the truth. Tennessee is a bunch of snitches (Fulmer, Kiffin...it must be in the water in Knoxville) and they have the worst primary color in collegiate sports. The mere sight of that disgusting creamsicle orange so enrages me that I would smack a creamsicle right out of a small child's hand on principle alone. There is nothing to like about Tennesee. Even their women are among the worst in the SEC (second only to Vanderbilt). Now, a Tennessee fan may hear this and start talking about Layla Kiffin. Well, guess what? She went to Florida. Even your coach wouldn't go after any of your fat, inbred, toothless whores.

Am I worried about this game? Yes. It's Tennessee. I'm always worried when we play Tennessee. When you hate something the way I hate Tennessee the mere thought of them makes your stomach turn and your pulse race. Luckily for me, Florida's defense should have Jonathon Crompton throwing multiple picks by halftime and Nu'Keese Richardson begging for mercy by mid 3rd quarter. I'm not going to talk strategy here. Tennessee's defense is talented and well coached. Their offense is not. Florida is loaded on both sides of the ball (save for WR which is...shaky), playing at home and currently being fed gun powder by Urban Meyer and Charlie Strong as you read this. The line is 29.5. I doubt I'm alone when I say that I'll be disappointed if the Gators don't win by at least 35. Not disappointed in the Gators. Disappointed that Lane and "the greatest coaching staff ever assembled" (UT fans' words, not mine) weren't embarrassed as the fucking sackless shitheads they are in front of a nation full of observers.

West Virginia @ Auburn (-6.5)
What do I know about this game? To be honest, not much. I know Auburn's offense is much improved thanks to the addition of OC Gus Malzahn in his second run through the SEC. I know WVU QB Jarrett Brown is a much better passer than Pat White (so's my 14 year old cousin) and the Mountaineer offense is more unpredictable and diversified because of it though not necessarily better. I know Noel Devine is still one of the nation's better kept secrets, despite his penchant for ankle breaking moves, breathtaking runs and the siring of bastards all over the south. I also know that I'm likely to encounter more rednecks over the next two days than I've ever been exposed to in my life (As someone who's lived most of his life in the South, this is really saying something.) and I know I'm not likely to blend in well, what with the bald head, the beard and the tattoos.

Though I haven't watched a single down of Auburn football yet this year (No matter, things don't change much on the Plains: Play good D, run the football, limit turnovers and make a few big plays in the passing game. Same as it ever was.) I'm going to take Auburn here. Nobody on West Virginia has ever played in an environment anything close to Jordan-Hare Stadium on a Saturday night and, in a matchup of seemingly even teams, that's enough to swing this game in the Tigers favor. Auburn wins, I get drunk. Everybody wins.

70 comments:

rob said...

evidence that people connected to auburn are morons: the first word in jordan-hare stadium is pronounced 'jerrdan'. also, they're connected to auburn.

and i love that video clip. a lot. nice to see it again.

rob said...

also, nu'keese? that makes bo levi sound normal.

Whitney said...

Where'd they get Nu'Keese? At the locksmith?? Ahahahahahahahahhahahahaha!

TJ said...

I'm think if I can get Jim Breuer into a Vols uni Mark will fix my problem.

Jackpot!

rob said...

lo'cksmith, whit.

rob said...

mgl has his tribe preview up at caa:lamm. sez 11th in the conference. wish i could argue.

Mark said...

Nu'Keese is from Pahokee. The same town that produced Janoris Jenkins and Anquan Boldin, among others. As you can deduce, the town does two things well: produce football players and make up names.

Nu'Keese committed to UF and then jumped ship and signed with UT at the last second. I'd like Major Wright to decapitate him tomorrow afternoon.

Whitney said...

Does anybody else think that TJ hates Jim Breuer because Breuer does the stoned guy shtick better than he does?

TR said...

It's that puke inside of a pumpkin orange. And I don't like pumpkins.

Classic.

Dan said...

anyone watchn the boise state game?

Dan said...

it was 24-3 about, oh, 3 minutes ago

Mark said...

This game has turned into a pretty good one. In other news, I'm about to hit the streets of Auburn full of whiskey and beer. This could get very interesting.

rob said...

i turned it off at 17-3. 'cause i'm an idiot.

Whitney said...

12 or 13 years ago I learned this fast fact about Tennessee:

"Knoxville . . . the only place in the southeast that doesn't dress its county jail inmates in blaze orange because they'd be mistaken for UT football fans in the event of a mass escape."

Strangely, I learned that from Steve Earle, who wrote it in the liner notes to the V-Roys' first album, which he produced.

rob said...

mark, tell people that shug jordan was a dumb hillbilly and pat dye was half muslim. that'll be fun.

rob said...

this game is absurd. 80-yard run, fumble at the 1, recovered by a receiver following the play. who also ran a kick back for a touchdown. that was called back on a penalty. and followed by a 77-yard runback. which was followed by an immediate strike by fresno. whoa.

Mark said...

I don't own nearly enough collared shirts to go to Auburn. Nor am I racist enough.

Whitney said...

This Boise St.-Fresno St. game is being produced by Jason Bay & Jerry Bruckheimer. Plot by Paul Verhoeven. It's awesome. That collision between QB and LB -- that sent each to the sidelines - was just sick.

Mark said...

I'm not gonna lie. Auburns been blast so far. We are right downtown and we aren't scAred. Good times.

TJ said...

The Golden Hurricane of Tulsa have been good to me for two weeks, so despite their role as 18.5 point dogs vs Oklahoma today I'm sticking with Tulsa. The loss of Bradford and Gresham has at least hampered the Sooner offense enough that I think Tulsa covers, if not wins.

Mark said...

Rob...your joke was a hit. My buddy wanted me to tell you that Bear is dead. And in he'll.

TJ said...

He'll...also where Nu'keese is headed.

TJ said...

Thanks for nothing Tulsa.

rob said...

even in hell bear is whipping some auburn ass.

rob said...

oregon's uniforms are a crime against humanity.

Whitney said...

UVA blew a 17-pt lead to lose to Southern Miss. Such a shame.

And ODU, after trailing all game, came back with a late TD to win 28-27 at Jacksonville U and improve to 3-0 in their inaugural season. To say they have superseded expectations thus far is an understatement.

Whitney said...

With a 7.5-point spread, that missed PAT by FSU could loom large.

Yeah, I credit/blame Dennis and his pool for sucking me back into the periphery of college football. Been a while since I gave a damn about much beyond the Tribe and a few big games.

Dan said...

there's nothing better than college fb mr. whit...NOTHING.
the msu nd game...terrific
usc losing....amen
va tech/nebraska...r u kidding me?
ut giving the gay-tors a game...it gives me hope that those feckers will lose this year
arkansas/georgia...looking to be another good'n
and auburn wvu....sloppy wet dirty fball with all sorts of hot sluts in the stands...
come on now...get on the wagon, i'm drivin and i ain't cryin

Dan said...

ryan mallet...michigan to ark qb transfer....he's gee oh oh dee GOOD.

Dan said...

shit...i totally forgot about ut vs tt...
just heard musberer say "now those are some good lookn horns right there...."
could've sworn he said whores at first...

rob said...

i, for one, am enjoying the dan era at gtb.

Dan said...

thx mr. rob
unfortunately, my stint tonight will be short...am sans power cord....left it at work...
i'll mail my comments for post posting...

Whitney said...

Okay, so apparently the PAT will not loom large in Provo (Utah). FSU taking advantage of a little-known rule change wherein if you grab the receiver by the numbers on his back and sling him to the ground, you can then legally catch the pass intended for him and run it back for a TD. Them Florida Staters . . . S-M-R-T.

Mark said...

In case anyone is interested, I'm soaking fucking wet right now. BUT, I'm inthe club seats where, evidently, everything is free at Auburn. If I can find some whiskey, I'll be all set.

rob said...

so the mountain west, huh?

rob said...

taylor potts is no graham harrell

Dan said...

fsu takin it 2 byu
i personally don't carethatmrmarkiswetrightnow....spacebarbrokeonwifescomputerunreal....ihaveafriendatauburngameandhesaid2.5inchescamedowninabout5seconds....true/oh...shiftkeybroketooo...tomorrowwegetnewcomputerthisisfuckingunreal...she'sbitchedaboutitforeverbutineverreallycared...untilnow

Dan said...

gladitookwvubutnotgladitooktheunder

rob said...

pete carroll just said that while he was disappointed in losing, it was 'pretty cool' for steve sarkisian to get that win. i find it very hard not to like pete carroll.

Whitney said...

How many times has Dan Snyder's admin assistant tried to get Pete Carroll on the phone . . . only to have Pete Carroll's assistant indicate that Mr. Carroll would rather be fluffing C-grade porn stars in Toledo than making millions working for that human colostomy bag?

Whitney said...

And if you read Dan's comments out loud like an auctioneer, they're even more fun.

TR said...

Not a whole lot of defensive coordinating going on in Arkansas. I hope Joe Cox has a brother named Harry.

And how 'bout the Tribe beating Nah-fuk State by as much as they beat UVA?

rob said...

hard to go on the road and beat the spartans, teej

Whitney said...

That's Teer to you, Rob, not Teej.

And the Tribe was up 24-nil and threw the Spartan home crowd a bone in the 4th. W&M outrushed NSU 159-39,and that includes a play than ran for negative-27 yards and a safety. Nice.

Mark said...

Pretty sure ND was at home Rob. Pretty good game here on the plains. I also just got profiled here in the club level. Luckily I had my ticket and was able to tell security to fuck off.

Still looking for that whiskey.

rob said...

apologies to my man tr. not to mark, though - norfolk state are the spartans. you can stuff your fbs elitism in a sack, mister.

Whitney said...

Pay attention, Mark. There's more than one team in the country called the "Spartans." Wait'll I tell you about "Wildcats."

Whitney said...

I had to explain "FBS" and "FCS" to a young lady the other day. I didn't have a very good answer to "Wait . . . the Championship Subdivision isn't as good as the Bowl Subdivision??"

TJ said...

Tiny, the way MSU has played in South Bend the last few years I can understand your confusion.

And where the fuck did this GA/Arkansas offensive explosion come from?

rob said...

next on 'whitney's least successful pickup lines': "hey, lemme tell you about how a congressman marks up a bill".

TJ said...

Whit has all those Schoolhouse Rock tunes cued up as potential pick-up lines.

Whitney said...

Lolly, lolly, lolly, get your adverbs here!

Mark said...

Rob, fuck off. Love Auburn.

In other news, auburns club level is a little slice of heaven. Everythings free and I just met a couple of Auburn related celebs during halftime.

Whitney said...

Levi Garrett IV and the inventor of the wife-beater?

Whitney said...

George Wallace's nephew/grandson and that guy who got beaten up in COPS?

Whitney said...

The guy who patented "Honk If You're Horny" and James Earl Ray's niece?

Whitney said...

The dentist for the entire southern half of Alabama and Hank Williams XVII?

Whitney said...

I'll stop. But not because I'm out of material.

Mark said...

No no. Go on, I'm thoroughly enjoying this.

Geoff said...

Mark...that's horseshit that the profiled you in Alabama. Tell them you're Chris Daughtry.

Mark said...

I agree Geoff. This games to good for me to care right now though. Plus, I'm eating my weight in free burgers and nachos right now.

Also, Auburn fans are like trained monkeys. They only cheer when prompted by the scoreboard or the musical selections.

Whitney said...

Can we assume those prompts have pictures and not words?

Whitney said...

And for what it's worth, I have a slew of cousins from Mobile (divided between Alabama & Auburn grads/fans). I do love it down there, I just also love the fodder that part of the US provides us for comedic value.

Mark said...

Pretty decent game I stumbled upon.

The pompoms (or "shakers") at auburn are fucking annoying beyond belief.

rob said...

a tidy 1-4 for the prognosticating geniuii at gtb. solid.

Dan said...

any "lock it up" picks today in the nfl? typically only do college b/c historically stay right around .500 or better...am
2-7 so far - i want to chase money

Dan said...

i too was tallying the win/loss record from yesterday's gheorghe's picks...as a newcomer, i just thought it'd be best to keep quiet

rob said...

in fairness, if mark and teejay's picks came from the same place mine did, they'd smell a lot like ass.

Dan said...

i like mitch albom...i can't stand mike lupica...mitch albom should have lupica's hair and vice versa. albom's hair-do is indescribable...or maybe someone here can do so - i think of damone from fast times..."where were you when i had front row seats to earth wind & fire?"

Whitney said...

"No, I don't have any Blue Oyster Cult. I had 34 pairs last time around -- where were you? I was that close to working at 7-11."

(Yeah, Fast Times was on the tube last week.)