Friday, September 11, 2009

Your Weekly Half-Assed NCAA Football Picks

Here's (TJ's), since (somebody) clearly lied about setting up a post. Liar. Lying liar.

JMU @ Maryland (NL)
Consider this a poor man's William & Mary/UVA matchup, at least in terms of the relative academic pedigree of the participants. (We kid, honey, we kid.) It might bear watching, though, as the Colonial Athletic Association has shown emphatically this season that CAA also stands for Crushing ACC Also-rans. Fridge's Terps looked all kinds of ugly against Cal's swift roster, while Mickey Matthews' Dukes come off a Division IAA Final Four appearance looking to keep pace with their conference brethren. JMU is breaking in a pair of new quarterbacks after the sensational Rodney Landers graduated, which may prove problematic against Maryland's blitz-heavy defensive schemes. It says here that Maryland rebounds with an easy win over the purple and gold. But it also said here that W&M would lose by three touchdowns.

USC (-6) @ Ohio State, 8 PM in the 'Shoe.
OSU's Terrelle Pryor was born on June 20, 1989. USC's Matt Barkley was born on September 8, 1990. We can all take a moment now to feel very very very old. Deep breath...and...exhale. So let's get down to business. The Trojans have a young QB, but he's only a year younger than Pryor, who has only a few games under his belt, but a lot of crazy. Me thinks it may seem racist to play the Vince Young card with the young Pryor, but I'm gonna go there anyway. Expectations for Pryor are too high, and the team has lost the son of a Road Warrior, a stud RB and a stud DB. Their confidence is rattled after almost losing to an undersized squad with short hair and a lame mascot. USC is loaded up front, and their young LBs will hold down the fort against the perpetually choking Buckeyes. So sit back, enjoy Brent on the mike and take the Trojans to cover.

Notre Dame- Michigan:
If you are a reader of this blog (or if you went halves on a bastard with somebody who is friends with a staff member) then you might be wondering why I'm picking this particular game, given my SEC fandom and southern roots. Well that's easy. TJ's a skirt and is only picking Conference USA games. Yaaay! Uninformed opinions about games we won't watch and don't care about!!

That's the main reason. The other reason is because I'm saving my initial SEC picks of the year for next week when I'll be picking the Florida-Tennessee hatefest as well as the Auburn-West Virginia game (aka 'Redneckpalooza') and then heading off to watch...the Auburn-West Virginia game. Surprising huh? Believe me, I'm surprised too. Suffice it to say, a few late nights, a lot of whiskey and some ill advised wagers came into play.

As for this week, TJ told me to rip Michigan and DickRod. Well TJ...you can eat a bag of dicks. You don't get to tell me what to do. I'll rip whoever the fuck I want. Charlie Weis? That fat fuck had a gastric bypass surgery and he's still three of me. Jimmy Clausen? Where do I start? Well, he's fucking gay. And not just regular gay. We're talking anal beads and gag balls gay. Yep. And, he's a Clausen which makes him a despicable piece of noodle armed, tree hugging, California shit. I could go on forever when it comes to Notre Dame. I hate Notre Dame more than I hate any non-rival of Florida (and truthfully more than some lesser rivals).

I never really hated Michigan though. I hate that Rodriguez conned Denard Robinson into thinking he could really play QB at Michigan when he's just gonna end up playing some Wildcat and receiver...which he could've fucking done at Florida. I hate that Denard Robinson is dumb enough to play football in purposely unlaced cleats. I hate how boring and old Michigan's fans are. Sure, I hate all of those things. But I don't hate Michigan. Their fight song is pretty cool. I loved their helmets when I was a kid. Yeah, Michigan's alright with me.

So what does all this mean? Not a motherfucking thing. Notre Dame's going to win this game and they are going to win big. I don't even know the spread (6.5?). I just wrote this and emailed it to TJ. You might call that lazy. I call it confidence.

117 comments:

Jerry said...

Maryland is favored by 10 over JMU. 10. CAA getting some major respect.

TJ said...

Mark, throw a bigger tantrum. One of our five readers might notice.

Mark said...

I wouldn't call that a tantrum. I would call that expressing my disdain for both you and Notre Dame...bitch.

rob said...

10? that's insane. what was the duke/richmond line?

Mark said...

So...ummm...Colorado sucks huh?

rob said...

i don't know what's worse: colorado, or the fact that i'm watching colorado/toledo.

TJ said...

The Hartford airport is worse.

TJ said...

By the way, take Tulsa and the over for the second week in a row. Conf USA bitches...it's fan-something.

rob said...

why is colorado insisting on blocking a defensive end with a tight end? and why is dan hawkins coaching like a pop warner douchemonkey who thinks his kid is destined to be joe montana?

TR said...

Bob Griese can't be psyched to be sandwiched b/w Spielman and Dave Pasche in the booth of the Sconny - Fresno State game, exciting as it may be.

Mark said...

It's fucking pouring in Gainesville and the Gators have lost two fumbles but I'm dry at abar in Sarasota and the Gators are up 21-3. Things could be worse.

TJ said...

I have finished up my duties as godfather at this baptism and have commenced gorging my face, enjoying some cold ones and watching football.

Mark said...

btw, Riley Cooper thinks Hines Ward can't block for shit.

TJ said...

Quite happy to have Tebow Smash as my fantasy QB right now...

rob said...

watching 7 year-old girls play softball right now. it's not the same as college football.

TJ said...

ND appears adverse to playing any sort of defense today.

TJ said...

Good start for Conf USA's Houston Cougars vs. Okie St.

Mark said...

ND-Michigan has a nice shootout vibe going right now. In other news, I'm going to be drunk at the wedding I'm attending this evening.

TJ said...

There are a lot of drunk Italians at this post-baptism party/gathering we're at...a friendly lot, these inebriated pasta lovers.

TJ said...

And Mark's right, neither team can play any defense in this one. 38-35 here we come.

Mark said...

I just openly cheered a Notre Dame score in public. Damn you fantasy football!

rob said...

outside of dez bryant and the connecticut defense, i've never heard of any of my fantasy players. this is...interesting.

rob said...

swint may be developing a little bit of a crush on tate forcier.

TJ said...

I hope Tate Forcier breaks his leg.

Mark said...

Ron, don't you have Robert griffin ( Baylor QB) on your team? Get to know him. A beast in the making. I'm aboutready for this wedding to start/finish. I have football to watch dammit!

TJ said...

Sooooo, Charlie is going to keep calling that play til it works?

TJ said...

That Michael Floyd injury is a huuuuuge dagger.

mayhugh said...

Is it just me or is Charlie's FUPA getting bigger? Does it have its own headset? Is it allowed to call plays?

TJ said...

Conf USA gettin it done in Stillwater.

TJ said...

Mother

Fucker

rob said...

that's a hell of a finish in ann arbor. and, mike, i don't have griffin - i've got the kid from texas tech and matt grothe. i know who grothe is, too. so i've got that going for me.

TJ said...

Tiny, aren't you supposed to be in Richmond tonight with the NASCAR army?

rob said...

indeed i was, teej. got screwed by the soccer and softball scheduler.

Mark said...

Mike, haha. That's good, Ronnie. And, umm what happened to Mike Floyd? I really hate caring about ND...even if it's just one player.

TJ said...

Big win for my Wanderers of Bolton today.

TJ said...

Straight out of Crompton with a horrific 3 INT day in Tennessee's loss to UCLA.

Mark said...

Tennessee lost? God this day just keeps getting better and better. Fuck you and you wife Laney poo.

Michael said...

suck me notre dame. that game was ridiculous. tate is bazilly. thank you to okie state for really sucking a fat one today

Michael said...

osu can suck my balls. they did not score right there. his knee was down.

rob said...

arsenal lost to city. hmmm.

Michael said...

who would have thought that UGA-SC is a shootout? that is nuts

rob said...

michael with a bit of a fixation this evening. may want to stay at home lest you do something you'll regret in the morning.

rob said...

jmu up 28-21 on maryland entering the 4th quarter. caa, bitches.

rob said...

and mark's deeply saddened by florida state's work thus far.

rob said...

the cbs college football gametracker is not something i'd recommend if one were stoned. trippy as all hell.

Michael said...

balls deep

rob said...

drew dudzik (jmu qb) goes 70 yards right after maryland scored to tie. 35-28 dukes.

Michael said...

brandon lang picked usc tonight. he also called clemson losing by three to ga tech the other night. if this comes through, i might subscribe to his site.

TJ said...

Just don't see "Two for the Money"

Michael said...

I enjoyed that flick

Mark said...

Im with my Tallahassee native, feu alum brother at this wedding and he is ready to fight somebody right now. He just asked me why somebody on FSU's staff hasn't engaged Ryan Perriloux in a dice game on the sidelines yet. Good question... Urban wouldve made that happen.

TJ said...

The movie was fucking awful.

rob said...

this just in...washington state continues to suck

rob said...

jmu clawing and scratching - tie game with maryland at midfield and 2 minutes left.

Michael said...

new hampshire leading ball state. I-AA is getting it done this year.

rob said...

jmu/maryland going overtime.

TR said...

Man U had a tremendous victory over Sports Guy's Spurs today. Overcame a goal against them in the first minute to win 3-1. Last goal came by Wayne "Mark hopes he dies of gonorrhea" Rooney, who put it in when Man U was playing with 10.

Chelsea and Man City remain undefeated. Man U - Chelsea on 11/8 looms large.

TR said...

And I'm feeling pretty good about my prediction that USC's LBs would handle OSU. I think the USC front line will wear down the Buckeyes. They'll have to b/c Matt Barkley is not scaring anybody.

rob said...

leigh tiffin makes little girls cry.

rob said...

jmu misses a field goal to open the overtime, loses 38-35. they're no william & mary.

TR said...

This Georgia - Cocks game is quite a barnburner.

Cox is killing the Cocks. Yeah, I made that joke.

rob said...

so teej, i guess i like taylor potts.

TR said...

I highly recommend flipping to CBS for the Clijsters - Serena match. Clijsters took the first set but is down a break in the second. Ridiculous run by her.

rob said...

wow, tr wasn't kidding. these ladies are blasting away.

rob said...

so espn won't let cbs sportsline show the usc/ohio state score on its online scoreboard? fuck you, espn.

rob said...

if i can't watch women play tennis while following college football online, well, then the terrorists have obviously won. and covered the spread.

rob said...

it would seem that serena williams just lost the us open semi by telling a linesman she would kill her and thusly losing match point on a code violation. i've seen less interesting tennis.

TR said...

UNBELIEVABLE ending to the tennis match. Serena gets called for a foot fault on a second serve, while down 6-5 in the second set, and 15-30 in the game. Her second foot fault of the set. It now goes to 15-40. Serena absolutely lays into the judge, a timid Asian woman. The Asian linesman proceeds to run to the main judge and tell her that Serena threatened to kill her. The main judge takes a point from her b/c it was her second sportsmanship infraction of the night.

Match over. Brutal loss. The Asian linesman looked terrified leaving the court. She's gonna be getting some hate mail once her name is leaked out.

TR said...

Clijstes and her husband live in my home town. Her husband, Brian Lynch, played college basketball at Nova and pro ball in Belgium, where they met.

TR said...

And the Cocks-Bulldogs game looks like it'll come down to the last 27 seconds.

Michael said...

dagger for sc. incredible game.

rob said...

i've never seen anything like the ending to that match. serena just lost her shit. as dick enberg noted with waspy disapproval, 'champions don't act like that'.

rob said...

nascar race is nuts with vickers and kyle busch dueling for the last spot in the chase while usc/osu comes down to the wire. awesome night of sports.

rob said...

not for nothing, but a freshman just took usc 90 yards for a go-ahead last-minute score in an extremely hostile environment. get prepared to continue to hate usc for a few more years.

rob said...

matt barkley loves him some baby jesus.

TJ said...

An hour and a half until the Dirty Sanchez Era begins in Jets-land. Color me intrigued.

TJ said...

Nice start for Sanchez, especially on third downs and under duress.

TR said...

Teej - you're understating it a bit. He looks really good so far. He missed on a couple passes early, but he's got some moxy. I may warm up to Vincent Chase at QB.

TR said...

Moxy? Moxie?

rob said...

the bucs have jerramy stevens on their roster? i hope they go 0-17.

Mark said...

This is his third year playing for Tampa Rob. Way to keep up Champ.

rob said...

wow, that's not very good. i hope they lost all those other games, too.

rob said...

nice come from behind win for fulham today. go you cottagers.

rob said...

nice start for sean mcdermott's squad.

Mark said...

This new Bucs defensive system is...severely lacking when it comes to things like "covering receivers" and "preventing long TD passes".

Mark said...

So I guess Adrian Peterson's not feeling the pressure of being the unanimous choice for the #1 fantasy pick. Sweet (purple) Jesus.

rob said...

wow, mark isn't kidding. dudes are running free all over the secondary.

Mark said...

Ohhh Bengals. That is about the worst fucking way to lose ever.

rob said...

talk to me

Mark said...

They were upon Denver 7-6 with 24 seconds left. Orton threw deep down the right sideline into coverage. Leon Hall jumped up and tipped the ball. Two other Bengal defenders ran into each other and took themselves out of the play. The ball came down in Brandon Stokley's hands and he ran 70+ yards for a TD.

rob said...

ahh, the bengals. thanking the lord for the lions every day.

Mark said...

Drew Brees threw 6 TDs today? Well, thats a good start.

Mark said...

It seems that both TR and TJ understated the impressiveness of Mark Sanchez's play. 12/15 on 3rd downs is great for any QB, much less a rookie making his NFL debut.

rob said...

this new redskins pass rush is something special.

Whitney said...

Just a quarter-plus into the Redskins season, and we're right back in familiar territory. Offense can't score, defense doing their part until they give up the big play (in part because they're on the field all day), high-priced free agent dinged up, Jason Campbell doing nothing good or bad, and Daniel Snyder ruining everything for all of us. Of course it's still early, but it just feels like home already.

Whitney said...

Okay, so scratch the part about Campbell doing nothing bad. That was the most inept play by a QB I've seen in some time. He was 3 or 4 yards past the line of scrimmage, then threw a pick. Awesome.

Mark said...

Things are going south quickly for the Dirt Worshippers

Mark said...

The Zornographer with a little trickeration. i like it.

Whitney said...

Wow. Giving a ray of hope and light in an otherwise clouded punt in the groin.

Whitney said...

3rd and 8, Campbell audibles to a run off-tackle. This Giants D has him confused and scared. Give credit to them, but Campbell's instilling zero confidence. Cooley looks like he wants to kill him.

Geoff said...

Covering the spread is so fucking sweet.

zoltan said...

Federer is not human. Between the legs passing shot for a winner to set up match point. Which he just won by cold-cocking a return of second serve.

zoltan said...

"That wasn't a safety because the impetus, the momentum, of Frank Gore was at the 1 yard line."

I love it when announcers brush up on their SAT prep words.

rob said...

same old sorry ass redskins. do just enough to make it seem like the game was close.

TJ said...

The Bears have three offensive starters from Vandy?

Geoff said...

What's the opposite of sharp? That's was Jay Cutler's looked like so far.

rob said...

round. he's looked round.

TR said...

Way to call him out and force him to complete a 67 yarder to win back your respect.

Geoff said...

That's it Rob. He's looked extremely round.

By the way, you know what's really great about having Jason Campbell on your team?

Nothing. Nothing at all...

Michael said...

after watching today, I'm in love with the nfl network's red zone channel

Michael said...

$5 to anyone that can name what kind of gay drink that I have right now

TR said...

A hot load of man cum?

Michael said...

no, but you win for creativity. engaged in a tight anal 69 encased in a rock-hard shell of nut?

Geoff said...

An apple martini? A fuzzy navel? Gentlemen's jelly with a splash of bud light lime?

Geoff said...

By the way, how's the Jay Cutler era for you so far?

Michael said...

jay cutler looks very nervous. his receivers are also just rapping the bed right now. the route running is atrocious. but everyone outside of the bears knew that the receivers were not great going into the season. I say sign marvin harrison. the first pick that cutler threw was awful.

Michael said...

second pick was even worse